BIZARRO EXCLUSIVE: A COMPLETELY BIASED AND ARBITRARY APPRAISAL OF THE THREE WORCESTER CITY MANAGER CANDIDATES

OKAY, SO FIVE CANDIDATES LAST TIME WERE FROM RETSECROW, NOT WORCESTER. TURNS IN WE HAVE REAL FINAL CANDIDATES NOW.  SO ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU A FIRST LOOK AT THE CANDIDATES SO THAT YOUR QUESTIONS AND CONCERNS CAN BE ADEQUATELY IGNORED BY PHIL PALMIERI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

READ ON AND BE UNINFORMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CANDIDATE #1:  DAVID MOORE

PATRICK_MOORE

BACKGROUND:  WORKED FOR CITY OF WORCESTER SINCE 1982, INCLUDING 20 YEARS AS WORCESTER CITY SOLICITOR.

PROS:  CAN RECITE ALL THE LAW & ORDER THEMES BY HEART, INCLUDING THE OBJECTIVELY SUPERIOR L.A. THEME.

CONS:  GETS A LOT OF “WHY THE LONG FACE, DAVE?” JOKES, ALL FROM ME.

IMPRESSION: IN ADDITION TO PLAYING THE XYLOPHONE, PATRICK MOORE AM NOT THE REASON WHY ME ALWAYS SAY WORCESTER GET LAUGHED OUT OF COURT!!!!!!!!!! KNOWS HOW TO WRITE HORRIBLE LAWSUITS AND GIVE HORRIBLE LEGAL ADVICE, BUT ME FEEL HE WOULD STRUGGLE WITH SCREWING UP A CITY IN A MORE VISIBLE ROLE.

HOWEVER, IF HE GET WORCESTER LAUGHED OUT OF MASSACHUSETTS??? THEN MY SECESSION SPEECH AM NOT NIGH!!!!!!!!! SINCE HE AM NOT LOCAL, HE WILL PROBABLY GET VOTES FROM GARY ROSEN AND OTHER PEOPLE ME SHOOT SPITBALLS AT DURING PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAFEST OF THREE CHOICES, NOT UNLIKE ELECTING A LOAF OF CANADIAN WHITE BREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OVERALL SCORE:  6/10

CANDIDATE #2:  PETER GRACZYKOWSKI

IF

BACKGROUND:  EXECUTIVE CONSULTANT FOR RESEARCH FIRM IN NEW YORK. FORMER CITY MANAGER OF EAST PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND, FROM 2011-2013. CAN SPEAK AT LEAST BASIC RUSSIAN, GERMAN AND POLISH.

PROS:  IN ADDITION TO THE SPOCK EYEBROW RAISE, DOES A ROCK-SOLID VULCAN MIND MELD.

ALSO POSSIBLY STAKES OUT RESTAURANTS.

CONS:  ROSE TO CURRENT POSITION WITHOUT CHALLENGING ANYONE TO A DUEL.

IMPRESSION: ROB GRONKOWSKI HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH NOT BEING A CITY MANAGER IN NEW ENGLAND!!!!! ALSO HAVE EXPERIENCE NOT BEING FIRED FROM HIS CITY MANAGER POSITION FOR ALLEGEDLY COLLUDING WITH CITY COUNCIL MEMBERS IN AN APPARENT BOTCHED ATTEMPT TO OUST THE POLICE CHIEF!!!!!

BUT DESPITE ENJOYING HIS MACHIAVELLIAN WORK, ME MUST VOTE HIM LOWEST OF 3 CANDIDATES!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN YOU AM TOO INCOMPETENT EVEN FOR RHODE ISLAND, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN WORCESTER POLITICS!!!!!!!!!!!! SO HE AM NATURALLY THE ODDS-ON FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOWEVER, ME AM STILL NOT AWARDING HIM SOME POINTS BECAUSE HE CAN SAY “RICK RUSHTON HAVE UGLY HAIR” IN THREE DIFFERENT LANGUAGES.

OVERALL SCORE:  3.14159265359/10

CANDIDATE #3:  OSCAR RODRIGUEZ

O-ROD

BACKGROUND:  FORMER CITY MANAGER OF TAOS, NEW MEXICO, FROM 2012-2014.  HARVARD GRADUATE (BUT IN LIBERAL ARTS, SO DOES NOT COUNT).  ONLY CANDIDATE WITH DEGREE IN CITY MANAGEMENT, FROM MIT.

PROS:  BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO JIMMY SMITS.

CONS:  TELLS ANYONE WHO SAYS THEY “PAHK THE CAH AT HAHVAHD YAHD” THAT THEY’LL BE TOWED TA MEDFID.

IMPRESSION:  JUST LOOK AT WHAT HE ACCOMPLISHED IN TOAST, NEW MEXICO!!!!!!!!!!

  • CUT BUDGETS!!!!!
  • ANNOY CONTRACTORS WITH TOUGHER REGULATIONS!!!!!!!!!
  • A POORLY IMPLEMENTED LIBRARY FEE THAT WOULD SEND JIM KERSTEN INTO FROTHING PAROXYSMS OF RAGE IF IT WERE IMPLEMENTED HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND LOOK AT THAT DREAMY SMILE!!!!!!!!!! O-ROD SLASHES BUDGETS AND TAKES NAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELOVED BY NO ONE, DESPISED BY MANY, FEARED BY ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONCOMING STORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE HAVE THE EXPERIENCE. HE HAVE THE ATTITUDE. ALL HE NEED AM NOT THE OPPORTUNITY.

MAKE HIM EMPEROR OF WORCESTER AND THIS CITY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OVERALL SCORE:

A MILLION BILLION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/10

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One thought on “BIZARRO EXCLUSIVE: A COMPLETELY BIASED AND ARBITRARY APPRAISAL OF THE THREE WORCESTER CITY MANAGER CANDIDATES

  1. […] at City Hall from 5-7pm, in the Levi Lincoln chamber, there will be a meet-and-greet for the three candidates for City Manager. Tomorrow, beginning at 3:30pm, the three candidates will be interviewed and, perhaps, the City […]

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