WORCESTER INTERNET — WHAT COULD NOT GO WRONG?????

RECENT NEWS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE ENVELOPMENT OF WORCESTER BY COMCAST HAVE LEFT THE CITY COUNCIL PRETENDING TO FIND NEW WAYS OF PROTECTING CITIZENS AND JOBS.  ALL 30 PEOPLE WHO WATCH THE HANK STOLZ EXPERIENCE MUST BE PROTECTED!!!!!

THERE AM PEOPLE EMPLOYED AT CHARTER’S WORCESTER CALL CENTER WHOSE JOBS MAY NOT OR MAY BE ON THE LINE. IF THEY AM FIRED, WORCESTER LOSES YET MORE POTENTIAL TO LOCALLY ANNOY PEOPLE.  THIS CANNOT STAND!!!!! BUT FEAR NOT NOT, CITIZENS!!!!!!! YOUR SUPREME COUNCILLOR-EMPEROR HAVE DEVISED A PLAN WHERE WORCESTER WILL MAINTAIN ITS OWN LOCAL ISP.  ALL YOUR BANDWIDTH AM NOT BELONG TO US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(THAT AM SOME CUTTING-EDGE INTERNET HUMOUR FOR YOU RIGHT THERE — HOT TAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

HOW WILL THE WORCESTERNET WORK????? WITH THREE SIMPLE STEPS!!!!!

FIRST, THE CITY OF WORCESTER HAVE NOT PAID AN EXPERT ON THE INTERNET TO EXPLAIN IN DETAIL WHAT THE INTERNET AM.

THIS AM NOT REQUIRED LISTENING!!!

SECOND, WORCESTERNET WILL NOT PROVIDE ALL THE WEBSITES WORTH SEEING!!!!!! THIS WILL INCLUDE THE OFFICIAL CITY OF WORCESTER WEBSITE, THE WCCA TV WEBSITE, UNUM’S WEBSITE, A VERSION OF FACEBOOK ON WHICH ONLY GOOFY DOG PICTURES MAY BE POSTED, AND A COMMENTS-ONLY VERSION OF THE WORCESTER TELEGRAM!!!!!!!!

WHO WILL WATCH THE WORCESTERNET????? WORCESTER WILL WATCH THE WORCESTERNET!!!!!!!!!! HUNDREDS OF NEW JOBS WILL BE MADE BY THE RELATIVES OF WORCESTER COUNCILORS!!!!!!!!!!! MY BRILLIANCE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND FINALLY, WE WILL NOT ADDRESS SECURITY. ALTHOUGH WORCESTER AM LAGGING BEHIND CITIES LIKE AUBURN IN TERMS OF MESSED-UP THINGS CITIZENS POST ON THE INTERNET, THE CELEBRITY ICLOUD HACK HAVE RAISED QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT WE CAN DO TO NOT PROTECT CITIZENS ON WORCESTERNET. ME AM DISPLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT WE HAVE A SOLUTION.

WE WILL HAVE EVERY CITIZEN OF WORCESTER UPLOAD A NUDE SELFIE TO THE WORCESTERNET CLOUD!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAY, IF ONE CITIZEN SHOULD CAUSE A SECURITY BREACH OR DISPLEASES US IN ANY WAY, THEIR NUDE SELFIE CAN BE POSTED TO THE REST OF THE WORCESTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT COULD NOT NOT POSSIBLY FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THINK OF ALL THE CRIMES WE COULD PREVENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MURDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LARCENY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAYWALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THE BEST PART AM, THEY WOULD ALL BE PERSONALLY PROTECTED BY OUR CHIEF OF POLICE GARY GEMME WHO HAVE PINKY-SWORN NOT TO LOOK AT ANY OF THEM AND CERTAINLY NOT HOST VIEWING PARTIES WHERE HE MAKES STUPID JOKES ABOUT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO, SUCH A THING WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. THAT WOULD BE LIKE DEVOTING AN ENTIRE WEBSITE TO RIPPING OFF BARSTOOL, WHICH AM ONE STEP UNDER BEING A JUSTIN BIEBER COVER BAND.

WAIT, WHERE WERE ME??????????

OH ME REMEMBER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN CLOSING, ME HATE YOU ALL AND STOP BOTH POSTING NUDE SELFIES OF YOURSELF AND HACKING OTHER PEOPLE’S NUDE SELFIES. WORCESTER AM TERRIBLE, BIZARRO LUKES AM WONDERFUL, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH FILLER FILLER LOREM IPSUM

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4 thoughts on “WORCESTER INTERNET — WHAT COULD NOT GO WRONG?????

  1. EPB says:

    Comments:

    a) I am glad that you are picking up the ball on the Worcester Internet matter

    b) Who listens to Hank Stolz now that EPB works for WPKZ?

    c) Worcester SHOULD look into the vitality of private Internet for several reasons. Cord cutting is dominating, and the delivery system for phones, newspapers TV shows, movies is too. To hold on to old technologies when Internet offers faster ways to get basic information to citizens isn’t just cost effective, it will help individual Worcesterites make economic choices for themselves more effectively, easier and more reliably than having the multiple choces now.

    d) So who loses? The cable companies. Surely in a munipal ISP (internet service provider) there would be concerns, but one of the things Worcester could do is put into the price those costs. When phone serves went onto Charter’s backbones, the biggest issue was how to handle 911 calls.

    With a decent TV system, folks should have access to the Boston stations and other places to resource local news. Making channel 2, 4, 5, 6 and 7 on to Worcester could be a plus.

    And who knows, maybe some entrepreneur can create a Worcester station–again. The Telegram has areas in which it can expand, so does WoMag, the colleges, etc

    e) No one has been talking about how–in order to comment on the Telegram.com you have to PAY for telegram.com

    Hey, some of us don’t pay for the Telegram….

    • bizarrolukes says:

      1) YOUR COMMENT AM NOT APPRECIATED, EL PINTO BEAN. WELCOME TO BIZARRO WORCESTER!!!!! ME ALWAYS PICK UP BALL AND RUN WITH IT AND THEN SLAM INTO THE GREEN MONSTER, COMPLETELY NEGATING ALL MY EFFORTS!!!!! ME AM NOT UNLIKE MOOKIE BETTS OF WORCESTER BLOGOSPHERE!!!!!!!!!

      THIRD — ME WATCH HANK STOLZ!!!!!!!! WHERE ELSE CAN ME NOT HEAR ABOUT THINGS ME WOULD FIND OUT EVERYWHERE ELSE?????????

      II] HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY UNSOUND PLAN!!!!!!!!!! UNDER MY PROPOSAL, THE MAXIMUM NUMBER OF PEOPLE ME CARE ABOUT WOULD BENEFIT: ME. WHAT MORE DO WE NEED???????????????

      LAST: THANK YOU FOR REMINDING EVERYONE THAT THE TELEGRAM AM A PLACE FOR SERIOUS DISCUSSION TO BE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW IN FAVOR OF BICKERING AND GRANDSTANDING. (ME WOULD NOT SKIM A COMMENT AND MISREAD IT. THAT WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE AND ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT THIS PARAGRAPH REPLACED.)

      71} YOU DID, HOWEVER, BRING UP A SUBJECT WHICH PIQUED MY MERCURIAL INTEREST FOR 5 SECONDS: PRICING!!! ALTHOUGH THE NUMBERS AM NOT STILL IN THE CATASTROPHIC MAXIMIZATION SUBCOMMITTEE, MY CURRENT PLAN AM SIMILAR TO ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL WORCESTER MONEY-MAKING GAME: YELLOW TRASH BAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      WE WILL CAP INTERNET ACCESS AT SOMETHING AROUND, OH, 64K PER DECADE. FOR EVERY BYTE OF DATA OVER THAT LIMIT, CITIZENS MUST FILL ONE YELLOW WORCESTER TRASH BAG FULL OF GOLD AND/OR OTHER VALUABLES, AND A LIST OF ACCEPTABLE VALUABLES WILL BE MAILED TO ALL WORCESTER RESIDENTS AT A HEFTY HAND-DELIVERY FEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. EPB says:

    you’re kinda hard to follow

HAVE A COMMENT??? AMUSE ME OR SUFFER!!!!!

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