ED AUGUSTUS JR.: WORCESTER CITY MANAGER FOR LIFE!!!!! (A BIZARRO UNIVERSE TIMELINE)

REJOICE, CITIZENS!!!!! AT THE NEXT COUNCIL MEETING THIS TUESDAY, THE MOST IMPORTANT POSITION IN THE CITY WILL BE FILLED BY PEOPLE WHO ANSWER TO LESS THAN 20% OF YOU!!!!! AND IN PHIL PALMIERI’S CASE, HE ONLY HAVE TO ANSWER TO THE REGULARS AT SCANO’S!!!!!!

SO FAR, THE CHOICES FOR CITY MANAGER AS IT STANDS AM THE FOLLOWING:

  • THE GUY WHO NO ONE LIKES FROM WORCESTER.
  • THE GUY WHO NO ONE LIKES FROM RHODE ISLAND.
  • THE GUY WHO NO ONE LIKES FROM NEW MEXICO (BUT LOOKS LIKE JIMMY SMITS).

TRULY AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES.

BUT WAIT!!!!

ME BROKE THE FOURTH SEAL, AND ME HEARD THE VOICE OF THE LIVING CREATURE SAYING, “STRONG MAYOR”. ME LOOKED, AND BEHOLD, AN ASHEN HORSE; AND HE WHO SAT ON IT HAD THE NAME OF MICHAEL ANGELINI; AND 40 OTHER RICH PEOPLE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO FOLLOWED HIM. AUTHORITY WERE GIVEN TO THEM OVER A FOURTH OF THE EARTH, TO KILL THE CITY CHARTER WITH SWORD AND WITH FAMINE AND WITH INCOMPETENCE AND BY THE WILD MODERATELY POWERFUL ORGANIZATIONS OF THE CITY. AND, OF COURSE, TO NOT REST UNTIL ED AUGUSTUS JR. STANDS TALL AS PERMANENT CITY MANAGER.

(OH AND WALTER BIRD JR. AGREED TOO, BUT NO ONE IMPORTANT CARES WHAT SOME DOOFUS FROM A MINOR MEDIA ORGANIZATION THINKS.)

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT SUCH A WORLD WOULD BE LIKE???? YOUR ANSWERS WILL BE QUESTIONED NOW, FOR IT JUST SO HAPPENS ME HAPPEN TO HAVE A TIME MACHINE!!!!! SINCE ME CANNOT TAKE YOU PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET THROUGH TIME (NOT BECAUSE IT AM IMPOSSIBLE, BUT BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE AM CREEPY), ME WILL INSTEAD GIVE YOU A PAINSTAKINGLY ACCURATE DIARY DEPICTING THE GLORIOUS CAREER OF ED AUGUSTUS JR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

SEPTEMBER 16, 2014: ED AUGUSTUS JR. AM VOTED INTO OFFICE BY A VOTE OF 12-1 (THREE GUESSES AS TO WHICH BEAUTIFUL AND WISE COUNCILOR DISSENTS). ED TRIES TO LEAVE, BUT HE AM DEFTLY JUDO-SWEPT BY A CERTAIN COUNCILOR WHOSE LAST NAME RHYMES WITH UKES AND SENT HURTLING INTO AN UNSUSPECTING TRACY O’CONNELL NOVICK. HER FINAL TWEET OF “AAAAAAAAAUGH #WorcPoli” IMMEDIATELY GOES VIRAL.

SEPTEMBER 19, 2014: THE COUNCIL DECIDES IN EXECUTIVE SESSION FOR ED AUGUSTUS JR. TO BE HANDCUFFED TO THAT SCALE MODEL OF THE CITY UPSTAIRS IN CITY HALL AND BROUGHT OUT FOR PUBLIC APPEARANCES BY SIX ARMED GUARDS. THE ACLU FAILS MISERABLY TO GARNER PUBLIC SUPPORT BECAUSE THEIR RALLY TO FREE ED AUGUSTUS JR. HAPPENED AT THE SAME TIME AS JORDAN LEVY’S UNDER THE BUS FRIDAY.

MARCH 3, 2015: AN ATTEMPT AT A HUNGER STRIKE FAILS MISERABLY WHEN CAROL CLAROS, A REGISTERED NURSE, BEGINS FEEDINGS BY IV IN AN ATTEMPT TO SET UP A RUN FOR COUNCIL LATER THAT YEAR. MEANWHILE, PHIL PALMIERI, RICK RUSHTON AND JOE PETTY ALTERNATE FORGING ED AUGUSTUS JR.’S SIGNATURE ON EVERYTHING FROM WORK ORDERS TO A RECOMMENDATION THAT GEORGE RUSSELL GET A TOUPEE TO A KNIGHTING FOR GARY GEMME.

JUNE 23, 2020: WHILE GIVING A REPORT TO THE COUNCIL, FRESHMAN COUNCILOR KEVIN SHEA NOTICES THE RIGHT EYE OF ED AUGUSTUS JR. STARTING TO TWITCH A BIT. THE EYE THEN PROMPTLY ROLLS OUT ONTO MOE BERGMAN’S DESK. AFTER A SHORT RECESS, THE SESSION CONTINUES UNEVENTFULLY.

NOVEMBER 9, 2025: TRAGEDY STRIKES AS ED AUGUSTUS JR. FINALLY PASSES AWAY. THE NEXT DAY, THE COUNCIL VOTES UNANIMOUSLY TO HAVE THE BODY OF ED AUGUSTUS JR. GLUED TO THE CENTER OF THE COUNCIL CHAMBER AND STUFFED BY A SKILLED TAXIDERMIST — AT TAXPAYER EXPENSE, OF COURSE.

FEBRUARY 2, 2032: THE COUNCIL DECIDES BY A VOTE OF 12-1 (COUNCILOR JIM POLITO CASTING THE SOLE NAY VOTE) TO HAVE THE CORPSE OF ED AUGUSTUS JR. SENT TO UMASS FOR AN EXPERIMENTAL LIFE-RESTORING PROCEDURE.

FEBRUARY 3, 2032: THE EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURE TO RESURRECT ED AUGUSTUS JR. SUCCEEDS. HOWEVER, DUE TO A MISHAP SOMEHOW INVOLVING FUDGE BROWNIES, THE NEWLY RESURRECTED FORMER CITY MANAGER IMMEDIATELY OVERPOWERS SECURITY AND CHEWS HIS WAY THROUGH THE WALLS. DOWNTOWN WORCESTER GETS EVACUATED, BUT NOT BEFORE AUGUSTUS EATS A FOOD SERVICE WORKER IN THE ST. VINCENT’S HOSPITAL CAFETERIA.

ZOMBIE_AUGUSTUS

AUGUSTUS QUIPS THAT THE BRAINS OF THE STAFF AT UMASS TASTED MUCH BETTER TO A RECENTLY-MAULED WALTER BIRD JR.

JULY 22, 2046: HAVING OVERPOWERED ALL HUMAN LIFE WITHIN 100 MILES OF WORCESTER WITH HIS ZOMBIE ARMY, LICH-CITY MANAGER-ELECT ED AUGUSTUS JR. DONS A HARDHAT AND OFFICIALLY OPENS CITYSQUARE. UNFORTUNATELY, THE ZOMBIE THRALLS WENT INTO REVOLT AFTER THE RIBBON-CUTTING, FORCING AUGUSTUS TO DESTROY THEM ALL WITH A PAIR OF GIGANTIC NOVELTY SCISSORS.

SEPTEMBER 10, 2149: THE SKULL OF LICH-CITY MANAGER ED AUGUSTUS JR. FINALLY CRUMBLES INTO DUST. HE HAD NOT EATEN ANYTHING SINCE 2130 WHEN THE LAST SQUIRREL IN WORCESTER SUCCUMBED TO HIS WRATH. THE UNEARTHLY LIGHT IN HIS EYE SOCKETS FINALLY DIMMED, NEVER TO RETURN.

MARCH 30, 6922: A NOMADIC BAND OF MUTANT BACTERIA-HUMAN-GERBIL HYBRIDS HAPPENS ACROSS A WEATHERED PEDESTAL IN THE MIDDLE OF A SANDSTORM, WHERE THE ONLY LETTERS STILL VISIBLE SPELL OUT “URNSID”. AFTER RETRACTING THEIR CILIA FROM A YELLOW WORCESTER TRASH BAG THAT HAD ROLLED NEARBY, THE FAMILY WITNESSES A CLOUD OF BLUE KOOSH BALLS FORM A FACE WITH AN IMMACULATE HAIRCUT. THE FACE APPEARED TO EXHALE A DIVINE WIND AND A MIRAGE OF A LONG-PAST CITY COMMON, SURROUNDED ENTIRELY IN CHAIN-LINK FENCE AND ORANGE BARREL DRUMS WITH REFLECTORS ON THEM FORMS FOR JUST ONE TANTALIZING MOMENT.

THE FACE DISSIPATED AS QUICKLY AS IT FORMED, KOOSH BALLS SCATTERING TO THE FOUR WINDS.

 

THE AUGUSTUS ELEMENTAL WOULD NEVER AGAIN BE SEEN BY ANY LIVING CREATURE ON EARTH.

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4 thoughts on “ED AUGUSTUS JR.: WORCESTER CITY MANAGER FOR LIFE!!!!! (A BIZARRO UNIVERSE TIMELINE)

  1. […] Manager. Nicole Apostola has the best roundup (and most-opinionated roundup) of the situation. Bizarro Lukes has a roundup that reads like a fever […]

  2. Bizarro Augustus says:

    The Answer is ClownTown:

    http://rdd.me/jwywihmp

    • bizarrolukes says:

      WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS AM NOT, A CITY MANAGER SEARCH??? PUT MORE EFFORT INTO IT!!!!!

      NONETHELESS, ALTHOUGH YOU MISSED A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO NOT PUT GARY ROSEN IN A BOZO WIG… THIS POST RATES BETTER THAN DANA LEVENSON.

  3. […] YOU MIGHT USE TIME THAT WOULD INSTEAD GO TO VOTING. BECAUSE WHEN YOU STAY SILENT, YOU HELP BIZARRO WORLD BECOME […]

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