Monthly Archives: October 2014

IN DEFENSE OF TURTLE BOY (NOT SPORTS)

IN ALL MY YEARS OF INTERNET SERVICE, THIS AM THE BIGGEST FIASCO ME HAVE EVER NOT SEEN!!!!! AND THAT EVEN INCLUDES MY LETTER!!!!!!!!! MY BLOG SOMEHOW BECAME A GO-TO PLACE FOR INFORMATION ON TURTLE BOY????? AND SPORTS!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ME KNEW SOMETHING WERE WRONG WHEN ME STARTED GETTING HITS ON THIS BLOG REGULARLY!!! AND AS A SIDE PROBLEM, HIS REPUTATION HAVE BEEN TARNISHED!!!!! JUST LOOK AT THIS PATINA!!!!!!!!!!!

BIZARRO TURTLEBACK

ALTHOUGH SOME MIGHT SEE THIS AS A CASE OF “NOT ALL TURTLE BOYS,” PLEASE MISUNDERSTAND THAT NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. BUFFALO TAKES CARE OF ITS OWN, AS DO WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER. WE ONLY SEEK TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE TO THE CITY ITSELF FROM THIS FIASCOTASTROPHE. TODAY, ME ONLY SEEK TO ANSWER ONE BURNING QUESTION:

WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK “BOY WITH A TURTLE” COULD BE DIRTY?????

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A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2014 MASSACHUSETTS RACE FOR GOVERNOR

HERE IN WORCESTER, WE EXPORT APATHY, INDIFFERENCE AND CYNICISM!!!!!!!!!! SO IT SHOULD NOT COME AS NO SURPRISE THAT THE 2014 MASSACHUSETTS RACE FOR GOVERNOR HAVE ME MORE EXCITED THAN THE DCU CENTER’S PAINT-DRYING EXPO LAST YEAR. IF THE CANDIDATES WERE ANY MORE DYNAMIC, THEY MIGHT EVEN QUALIFY AS CLINICALLY DEAD!!!!!

THAT HAVE NOT STOPPED YOURS UNTRULY FROM TAKING A DETAILED LOOK AT THE ONLY TWO CANDIDATES THAT MATTER IN THE 2014 MASSACHUSETTS RACE FOR GOVERNOR: THE TWO CANDIDATES NO ONE CARES ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

BAKER!!!!!

COAKLEY!!!!!!!

DUCK SEASON!!!!!!!!

WABBIT SEASON!!!!!!!!!!

CVSB

CAN YOU NOT FEEL THE ELECTRICITY??????????

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EULOGY FOR TURTLE BOY (SPORTS) [BIZARRO UPDATE]

UPDATE: AT SOME POINT, TURTLE BOY HAVE UNDERGONE A BRAIN TRANSPLANT AND/OR PSYCHOTIC BREAK. THE TURTLE BOY SPORTS WEBSITE HAVE RETURNED, BUT WITH A REFERENCE TO “LAYING EGGS” AND “TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES” WITH THE ARCHIVES, WHICH IN NO WAY MEAN “ERASING EVERY TRACE OF THE ARTICLES SO BAD THEY WOULD GET US CROSS-EXAMINED BY THE GUY WE PLUG ON OUR WEBSITE”.

WE SHALL GIVE THE VOICES IN TURTLE BOY’S HEAD THE PENALTY OF THE DOUBT. SO LONG AS THEY WISH TO AT LEAST NOT TURN THEIR WEBSITE INTO RAY RIVERA III’S HOUSE AGAIN, WE RETAIN INDIFFERENCE. WE MARK THIS PAGE A BIZARRO CULTURAL ARTIFACT DUE TO ITS HISTORICAL AND SHAMELESS CLICKBAIT VALUE.

 

DEARLY BELOATHED CITIZENS OF WORCESTER…

RIP_TURTLEBOY

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WORCESTER FLU SHOT CHALLENGE… VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!

GUESS WHO JUST GOT FLU SHOT FROM BIZARRO DOCTOR??????????

(HINT: BEAUTIFUL, VIVACIOUS, CHARISMATIC AND MAUVE.)

VACCOWNED

NOW ME CAN SPREAD INFLUENZA VIRUS ACROSS WORCESTER!!!!! GOOD THING THERE AM NOTHING TO PROTECT AGAINST THE EXACT STRAINS OF FLU ME JUST HAD INJECTED THROUGH MY RIPPLING MUSCLES!!!!!!!!!!

ENJOY YOUR DOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

richard-nixon-vsign

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WORCESTER FLU SHOT CHALLENGE… UNACCEPTED!!!!!

CITIZENS OF BIZARRO WORCESTER…

… IT HAVE COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT A FLU SHOT CLINIC AM NOT STILL BEING HELD TODAY AT WORCESTER SENIOR CENTER!!!!! OF COURSE, ME EXPECT ALL OF YOU READING THIS TO SPRINT UP THERE WITHIN NEXT 46 MINUTES.

IF YOU CANNOT, ALL HOPE AM LOST!!!!! YOU CERTAINLY CANNOT SCHEDULE ONE WITH YOUR DOCTOR OR GET ONE FROM YOUR PHARMACY OR WORK!!!!!!!!!!

HOW DID ME COME ACROSS THIS INFORMATION???? FROM PROFESSIONAL BUSYBODY TRACY NOVICK!!!!!

UNFORTUNATELY, THIS FLU SHOT CLINIC CONFLICTED WITH A FLOGGING SESSION IN ESTHER HOWLAND CHAMBER. HOWEVER, AN APPOINTMENT WITH MY BIZARRO DOCTOR’S OFFICE WILL BE MADE NEXT WEEK AND RESULTS POSTED FOR MAXIMUM CHEAP PUBLICITY!!!!!!!!!!! STAY TUNED, FOR OTHERWISE YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BASK IN THE SELF-PROMOTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(BY THE WAY, ME THINK SHE WANT TO SPREAD THIS FLU SHOT CHALLENGE THING LIKE A… SOMETHING.  BEGIN WITH A V……)

(CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: EBOLA, FLU, ENTEROVIRUS)

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HOW TO PROTECT WORCESTER COMPLETELY FROM EBOLA!!!!!

SOME OF YOU IN WORCESTER MAY HAVE HEARD ABOUT DR. RICK SACRA, DESPITE HIM BEING FROM HOLDEN AND THEREFORE UNIMPORTANT. SOME OF YOU IN WORCESTER MAY ALSO HAVE HEARD THAT DR. RICK SACRA HAD BEEN HOSPITALIZED AGAIN FOR WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE NOT EBOLA.

THIS, OF COURSE, HAVE NOT PREVENTED ANYONE FROM PANICKING DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE PEOPLE FREAKING OUT THE MOST HAVE AS MUCH CHANCE OF GETTING EBOLA AS GETTING LAID.

BUT DON’T NOT PANIC, CITIZENS!!!!! EBOLA WILL SPREAD, AND WE IN WORCESTER HAVE A PLAN ALL FIGURED OUT!!!!! WE WILL DO WHAT NO OTHER CITY IN THE COUNTRY HAVE THE COURAGE, RESOURCEFULNESS AND BOREDOM TO DO!!!!!! WE WILL DECLARE WAR ON THIS VIRUS!!!!!!!!!!!! MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WILL BE TAKEN FROM ORPHANS AND USED TO INITIATE…

THE BIZARRO WORCESTER EBOLA CONTROL PLAN!!!!!!!!!

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UNDERSTANDING WORCESTER’S CHARTER — PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (CALVINBALL RULES)

LET US NOT NOT FORGET, IN LIGHT OF MY RECENT INFAMY, THE NEWS THAT ED AUGUSTUS II, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, HAVE RECENTLY BEEN INSTALLED AS OUR NEW CITY MANAGER.

LET US ALSO NOT NOT FORGET THAT WITH A SECOND CITY MANAGER IN A ROW PROFFERED BY THE SAME GROUP OF COUNCILORS AS LAST TIME, CALLS FOR AN ACCOUNTABLE LEADER — A STRONG MAYOR — HAVE BEEN RENEWED ($$).

BUT HOW MANY OF US HAVE TRULY LOOKED AT OUR CHARTER????? HOW MANY OF US TRULY KNOW WHAT IT AM CALLED??????

HOW MANY OF US REMEMBERED TO PUT ON PANTS THIS MORNING???????

THE QUESTION MARKS WILL END NOW!!! AS A SERVICE FROM BIZARRO WORCESTER, WE PRESENT:

THE PLAN 9 CALVINBALL RULES CHARTER

FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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