UNDERSTANDING WORCESTER’S CHARTER — PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (CALVINBALL RULES)

LET US NOT NOT FORGET, IN LIGHT OF MY RECENT INFAMY, THE NEWS THAT ED AUGUSTUS II, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, HAVE RECENTLY BEEN INSTALLED AS OUR NEW CITY MANAGER.

LET US ALSO NOT NOT FORGET THAT WITH A SECOND CITY MANAGER IN A ROW PROFFERED BY THE SAME GROUP OF COUNCILORS AS LAST TIME, CALLS FOR AN ACCOUNTABLE LEADER — A STRONG MAYOR — HAVE BEEN RENEWED ($$).

BUT HOW MANY OF US HAVE TRULY LOOKED AT OUR CHARTER????? HOW MANY OF US TRULY KNOW WHAT IT AM CALLED??????

HOW MANY OF US REMEMBERED TO PUT ON PANTS THIS MORNING???????

THE QUESTION MARKS WILL END NOW!!! AS A SERVICE FROM BIZARRO WORCESTER, WE PRESENT:

THE PLAN 9 CALVINBALL RULES CHARTER

FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ARTICLE I: THE COUNCIL SHALL CONSIST OF 13 MEMBERS. THESE INCLUDE:

  • FIVE DISTRICT COUNCILORS, ONE FROM EACH DISTRICT, EACH WHO HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO.
  • SIX AT-LARGE COUNCILORS, SO NAMED BECAUSE THEIR EGOS MUST WEIGHT AT LEAST 600 POUNDS.
  • SANTA CLAUS.
  • ORSON, THE INFLATABLE POLAR BEAR.

IN THE EVENT THAT ORSON CANNOT BE FOUND, BLAME THE BROCKTON ROX.

ARTICLE AIOLI: IN THE EVENT THAT THE MAYOR SHOULD BE UNABLE TO PERFORM THEIR DUTIES, THOSE DUTIES SHALL BE ASSUMED BY THE DOHERTY MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL MADRIGAL SINGERS.

ARTICLE B: THE MAYOR SHALL BE ELECTED BY VOTERS AND THEREFORE JUDGED ON TOPICS INCLUDING HARD-HAT WEARING, CUTTING RIBBONS WITH ENORMOUS NOVELTY SCISSORS, WRITING OP-EDS NO ONE WILL EVER READ, AND PERFORMANCE ON TALK SHOWS NO ONE LISTENS TO UNLESS FORCED TO IN A TAXI. AND, OF COURSE, FAVORITE SONG.

ARTICLE DINERS, DRIVE-INS AND DIVES: THE ACTUAL DAY-TO-DAY OPERATIONS OF WORCESTER SHALL BE RUN BY A NEBULOUS GROUP WHO WILL HAM-FISTEDLY COLLUDE WITH COUNCIL MEMBERS AND REMIND ANY REMAINING CITIZENS OF THEIR LIVES’ FUTILITY COMPARED TO THE EARTH-SHATTERING IMPORTANCE OF THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR ORANGE DRY SODA.

ARTICLE JUST THE 10 OF US: THE MAYOR SHALL HOST A SHOW WATCHED BY NO MORE THAN 5 PEOPLE IN A STUDIO THAT MAKES SAID MAYOR AND ANY OTHER PEOPLE IN SAID STUDIO LOOK LIKE THEY JUST SURVIVED LIVER TRANSPLANTS.

ARTICLE 42: NO CITIZEN WHO SPEAKS UP AT A MEETING SPONSORED BY THE CITY OF WORCESTER SHALL BE MADE TO FEEL INFERIOR TO ANY MEMBER OF THE COUNCIL, UNLESS THEY DISAGREE WITH PHIL PALMIERI OR RICK RUSHTON.

ARTICLE MCMLXXVII: AT LEAST 25% OF THE COUNCIL MUST WEAR A TOUPEE.

IT LOOK SO LIFELIKE!!!!

ARTICLE 1994: ALL PAST, PRESENT AND POTENTIAL AT-LARGE COUNCIL MEMBERS MUST GO ON THE JORDAN LEVY SHOW AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR. EVEN THOUGH THIS WOULD BE LIKE VISITING THAT UNCLE WHO KEEPS TRYING TO PULL COINS FROM YOUR EARS YEARS AFTER YOU GRADUATED COLLEGE AND WHOSE HANDS SMELL LIKE WHATEVER HE HAD FOR LUNCH TWO DAYS AGO MIXED WITH SKOAL.

ARTICLE 54-40 OR FIGHT: VISITORS TO CITY HALL SHOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE, WHICH NOW WILL CAUSE 25% LESS WATER DAMAGE TO YOUR CAR WHEN IT RAINS.

ARTICLE 2.71828182845904523536: YOU HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO SPEAK AT A CITY COUNCIL MEETING AS FORMER STATE REPRESENTATIVE JOHN FRESOLO. PLEASE REMIND FORMER STATE REPRESENTATIVE JOHN FRESOLO OF THIS AT EVERY POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY.

ARTICLE OMAHA OMAHA HUT HUT: A VIDEO RECORDING OF ALL COUNCIL SESSIONS SHALL BE PROVIDED FREE OF CHARGE, SO LONG AS THEY CANNOT BE VIEWED IN A REMOTELY CONVENIENT FASHION.

ARTICLE 99 RED BALLOONS: AN UGLY CONSTRUCTION SITE SHALL BE PLACED WITHIN SIGHT OF CITY HALL AT ALL TIMES.

ARTICLE A, AN, THE: FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY MAY NOT BE USED WITHIN THE COUNCIL CHAMBER. HOWEVER, FAX MACHINES, SUPERCOMPUTERS AND MIMEOGRAPH MACHINES MAY BE BROUGHT IN AND OUT AS NEEDED. DAGUERREOTYPE CAMERAS MAY ONLY BE USED TO TAKE PICTURES OF COUNCIL MEMBERS IF THEY SOMEHOW AGREE TO WEAR RIDICULOUS TEN-GALLON HATS.

ARTICLE ELCITRA: THE WORCESTER DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH REMINDS CITIZENS TO AVOID ANY DRINKING GAMES THAT INVOLVE TAKING A DRINK WHENEVER GARY ROSEN IMMEDIATELY CONTRADICTS SOMETHING HE SAID IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE FOR FEAR OF ALCOHOL POISONING.

ARTICLE 5-DOLLAR FOOT-LONG: ALL COUNCILORS WHO UTTER THE WORD “GENTRIFICATION” OR REFERENCE THE TERM IN AN EARNEST PROPOSAL MUST ALSO IMMEDIATELY DESCRIBE THE BURNSIDE FOUNTAIN ACROSS FROM THE WORCESTER PUBLIC LIBRARY.

CALVINBALL CLAUSE: DISREGARD ANY RULES AND/OR LAWS IF YOU PLAY GOLF WITH TIM MURRAY.

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