HOW TO PROTECT WORCESTER COMPLETELY FROM EBOLA!!!!!

SOME OF YOU IN WORCESTER MAY HAVE HEARD ABOUT DR. RICK SACRA, DESPITE HIM BEING FROM HOLDEN AND THEREFORE UNIMPORTANT. SOME OF YOU IN WORCESTER MAY ALSO HAVE HEARD THAT DR. RICK SACRA HAD BEEN HOSPITALIZED AGAIN FOR WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE NOT EBOLA.

THIS, OF COURSE, HAVE NOT PREVENTED ANYONE FROM PANICKING DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE PEOPLE FREAKING OUT THE MOST HAVE AS MUCH CHANCE OF GETTING EBOLA AS GETTING LAID.

BUT DON’T NOT PANIC, CITIZENS!!!!! EBOLA WILL SPREAD, AND WE IN WORCESTER HAVE A PLAN ALL FIGURED OUT!!!!! WE WILL DO WHAT NO OTHER CITY IN THE COUNTRY HAVE THE COURAGE, RESOURCEFULNESS AND BOREDOM TO DO!!!!!! WE WILL DECLARE WAR ON THIS VIRUS!!!!!!!!!!!! MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WILL BE TAKEN FROM ORPHANS AND USED TO INITIATE…

THE BIZARRO WORCESTER EBOLA CONTROL PLAN!!!!!!!!!

PHASE I: PANIC!!!!!

A CAMPAIGN OF FEARMONGERING THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NOT BEEN SEEN SINCE A DEAD GUY THREATENED THE SANCTITY OF WORCESTER SHALL ENSUE!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE SHALL BE REMINDED OF THE SYMPTOMS OF EBOLA, ESPECIALLY THE ONES LIKE MUSCLE WEAKNESS OR JOINT ACHES WHICH COULD MEAN ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING INCLUDING JUST WAKING UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF BED — BUT IT COULD BE EBOLA!!!!!

AND THE CAPSTONE OF THIS PLAN WILL FOCUS ON A BIZARRO DOPPLEGANGER OF JANICE HARVEY, WHO WILL WRITE A WORCESTER MAGAZINE COLUMN WHERE SHE FRETS ABOUT HER STUDENTS NEEDING TO BE QUARANTINED!!!! TO ADD TO THE REALISM, THE COLUMN WILL ALSO SHIFT HALFWAY THROUGH INTO A RANT ABOUT SOMETHING BILL MAHER SAID AND THEN CANADIAN BACON.

PHASE II: NO ONE GET IN… NO ONE OUT

COURTESY CREDIT TO BRIAN GOSLOW (@BGOSLOW)

EVERY ROAD LEADING INTO WORCESTER, AS WELL AS THE ENTIRE PERIMETER OF THE CITY SHALL BE ENVELOPED IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER TO COME OUT OF WORCESTER… BARBED-WIRE FENCE!!!!! A LASER POINT-DEFENSE SYSTEM SHALL GUARANTEE ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO SPIT, BLEED, OR WHIZ ACROSS THE FENCE SHALL BE SHOT AND THE OFFENDING BODILY FLUID VAPORIZED!!!!!!!!

MEANWHILE, UNION STATION SHALL BE BARRICADED AND THE PORT OF WORCESTER SHALL BE BLOCKADED WITH BATTLESHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE WILL DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORCESTER AIRPORT.

PHASE III: LOCK MYSELF IN A PLASTIC BUBBLE

HAVING LONG AGO LEARNED THE SECRET OF LIVING ENTIRELY ON SELF-LOATHING, ME USUALLY DO THIS ANYWAY EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT RIGHT BEFORE ME VISIT RALPH’S. THEREFORE, IT WILL BE NO TROUBLE AT ALL TO SEAL MYSELF INSIDE A PLASTIC BUBBLE IN THE EVENT THAT MY SECRET LAIR IN THE DENHOLM BUILDING (CONVENIENTLY LOCATED RIGHT NEXT TO THE POST OFFICE) AM BREACHED.

PHASE IV: LAUGH AT YOU

MOST IMPORTANT STEP OF ALL!!!!!!!!!!! ME CAN MONITOR EVERY CITIZEN WHILST THEY POINT FINGERS AT EACH OTHER AND TURN THIS CITY INTO A BARREN WASTELAND IN A MATTER OF WEEKS…

…ALL WITHOUT ANYONE ACTUALLY HAVING EBOLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ME AM SO WELL-PREPARED TO RUIN WORCESTER!!!!! BUBBLE TIME AM NOT IN ORDER!!!!!

(BY THE WAY, THAT AM JUST A COLD.)
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