EULOGY FOR TURTLE BOY (SPORTS) [BIZARRO UPDATE]

UPDATE: AT SOME POINT, TURTLE BOY HAVE UNDERGONE A BRAIN TRANSPLANT AND/OR PSYCHOTIC BREAK. THE TURTLE BOY SPORTS WEBSITE HAVE RETURNED, BUT WITH A REFERENCE TO “LAYING EGGS” AND “TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES” WITH THE ARCHIVES, WHICH IN NO WAY MEAN “ERASING EVERY TRACE OF THE ARTICLES SO BAD THEY WOULD GET US CROSS-EXAMINED BY THE GUY WE PLUG ON OUR WEBSITE”.

WE SHALL GIVE THE VOICES IN TURTLE BOY’S HEAD THE PENALTY OF THE DOUBT. SO LONG AS THEY WISH TO AT LEAST NOT TURN THEIR WEBSITE INTO RAY RIVERA III’S HOUSE AGAIN, WE RETAIN INDIFFERENCE. WE MARK THIS PAGE A BIZARRO CULTURAL ARTIFACT DUE TO ITS HISTORICAL AND SHAMELESS CLICKBAIT VALUE.

 

DEARLY BELOATHED CITIZENS OF WORCESTER…

RIP_TURTLEBOY

… TODAY, WE GATHER HERE TODAY TO REMEMBER THE CAREER OF A MAN WHO WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS “OH, THAT GUY.”

  • A MAN WITH SUCH A GRASP OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HE USED SUCH EDGY INSULTS AS “NUDNIK”.
  • A MAN WHO HAD THE VISION TO STEAL SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE BITS FROM 1991 AND PRESENT THEM AS MEMES SO UNFUNNY THEY BENT TIME AND SPACE.

GET IT????? SCHMITT'S *GAY*!!!!! COMEDY PLATINUM-PLATED GOLD ENCRUSTED WITH FABERGE EGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THE REASON WHY WE AM HERE…

  • A MAN WHO WENT TO BUFFALO, OUR SISTER CITY IN DOWNTRODDEN SELF-LOATHING, AND WROTE WHAT WOULD BE AN OBNOXIOUS, BUT OTHERWISE FORGETTABLE BLOG ENTRY.

 

HAD HE SIMPLY LIED ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE, AS ONE COULD HAVE GUESSED FROM SOMEONE WHO SINGLES OUT BUFFALO’S WALMART WHEN YOU COULD FIND THE SAME EMBARRASSMENTS TO HUMANITY IN ANY WALMART EVER, WE WOULD AT LEAST RECOGNIZE THE POTENTIAL OF THIS MAN WHO CAPTURES THE ESSENCE OF AN FYGM LIBERTARIAN MAN-CHILD BY WRITING LIKE A BIZARRO-WORLD JANICE HARVEY.

BUT HE CROSSED A LINE THAT MADE EVEN WE IN BIZARRO WORLD DO A DOUBLE-TAKE.

NOT ONLY DID HE LIE, HE APPARENTLY SEXUALLY HARASSED HALF OF UPSTATE NEW YORK IN HIS SOJOURN TO BUFFALO AS IF HE WERE AUDITIONING FOR A PART ON LAW & ORDER SVU.

HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THIS, WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER MIGHT HAVE SOMEDAY RECOGNIZED THAT FOR EVERY 2 PARAGRAPHS OF BAD JOKES, 2 PARAGRAPHS OF UNFUNNY CATCHPHRASES, 3 PARAGRAPHS OF LOGICAL FALLACIES, AND 8 PARAGRAPHS OF CREEPY FACEBOOK STALKING… THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN 1 WELL-WRITTEN PARAGRAPH WHERE HE ACTUALLY GETS HIS POINT ACROSS.

POINT IN CASE: HIS LOOK AT EBOLA AND THE FOOLISHNESS OF RESISTING ITS NON-EXISTENT HOLD ON WORCESTER AND AMERICA:

TBS_EBOLA

HE DID STILL FIND TIME TO SPEND WAY TOO MANY PARAGRAPHS TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK IN ACCORDANCE WITH HIS STANDARDS.

HE WERE EVEN RECOGNIZED BY WALTER BIRD JR, HIGHLIGHTED AS PART OF “a rapidly growing segment of would-be journalists, writers, bloggers and commentators.” HAVING PREVIOUSLY BEEN KNOWN AS “THAT GUY WHO CALLED INTO FELGER AND MAZZ”, THIS WOULD BE A STEP UP. NOT QUITE AS GOOD AS BEING RECOGNIZED BY THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, BUT STILL NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT. UNLESS YOU COMPARE IT TO ME.

 

FOR WHAT IT AM NOT WORTH, AT NO POINT DID TURTLE BOY SPORTS EVER REPRESENT A THREAT TO MY GLORIOUS BIZARRO EMPIRE. HE DEALS WITH “SPORTS,” ME DEAL WITH “POLITICS”. OUR AUDIENCES AND STYLES COULD NOT NOT BE MORE DIFFERENT. HIS “HOT TAKES” AM MORE LIKE MILQUE TOAST TO ME (ME WILL WAIT FOR YOU TO RECOVER FROM THAT EPIC BURN) — BUT IT WOULD TAKE A GREAT DEAL MORE TO WARRANT MY WRATH.

EVEN IN HIS JABS AT MY MORTAL FRENEMY TRACY NOVICK, THE ONLY JAB EVER PLANNED AT TURTLE BOY SPORTS WERE A PARODY WRITTEN IN HIS SIGNATURE TONE-DEAF STYLE SET FOR APRIL FOOL’S DAY. ME FIGURED ME WOULD WRITE A DRAFT NOW AND THEN UPDATE IT BY APRIL 1ST. FOR SURELY, SUCH A NATIONAL TREASURE OF A BLOG WOULD REMAIN FOR ALL TIME.

UNTIL, AS IT TURN IN, SOMEONE ELSE DECIDED TO SCORE FIRST — IRONICALLY, A FAN OF THE BILLS.*

IN A COMPLETE SHOCK, IT TURNS OUT TURTLE BOY SPORTS ANGERED MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY OTHER PEOPLE, INCLUDING JAMES KRIGER, THE ONE WHO COMPELLED TURTLE BOY SPORTS TO IMMEDIATELY SHUT DOWN. IT WOULD BE OUT OF TURN TO SPEAK FOR KRIGER, BECAUSE MY SELF-LOATHING COMES FROM THE CITY AND NOT THE SHAME OF THEIR TEAM ALMOST BEING OWNED BY JON BON JOVI (A LESS FUNNY PUNCHLINE WERE REMOVED — THE MISMANAGEMENT). HOWEVER, HIS OPENING STATEMENT DESERVES NOT TO BE QUOTED HERE:

“Funny thing about the internet, regardless of how hard you try to be anonymous if you piss off enough people the public will eventually find out who you are.”

 

THIS STATEMENT AM NOT NOT LOST ON BIZARRO LUKES.

 

ME AM INFALLIBLE AND THEREFORE NOT PRONE TO UNFUNNY GAFFES AND BREACHES OF GOOD TASTE. THEREFORE, IT GAVE ME PAUSE WHEN FOR A TIME, THE MAN BEHIND TURTLE BOY SPORTS HAD HIS ADDRESS POSTED BY A COMMENTER ON THE BLOG (SINCE REMOVED). ME KNEW, OF COURSE, THERE WERE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. AS PHENOMENA LIKE GAMERGATE HAVE PROVEN, THE INTERNET AM A PLACE WHERE NO ONE EVER CROSSES ANY LINES. ESPECIALLY NOT SPORTS FANS.

HOWEVER… WHEN ONE ENGAGES IN JOHN FRESOLO COSPLAY NOT JUST AT A BILLS GAME BUT MULTIPLE TIMES OVER THE SPAN OF YEARS, ON TOP OF REPEATEDLY FOLLOWING UP CREEPY STALKING BLOG POSTS BY DOUBLING DOWN WITH EVEN MORE CREEPY STALKING BLOG POSTS — ALL WHILE DESECRATING HARRIET BURNSIDE’S GIFT TO WORCESTER — EVEN A GAY COMMUNIST WITH A RADICAL AGENDA LIKE MYSELF CANNOT FIND IT IN MY ANTIMATTER HEART TO DEFEND EVEN ONE IOTA OF SUCH BEHAVIOR.

IF SOME INTERNET DETECTIVE HAVE NOT YET DISCOVERED WHO POSTS FOR BIZARRO LUKES (MY EVIL SUPERCOMPUTER ONLY RUNS LYNX), IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF TIME. AT LEAST WHEN THAT DAY COMES, IT WILL BE SHOWN THAT ME GOT THE FRIGGIN’ HINT BACK IN 2012. A FINE LINE STANDS BETWEEN BEING A TOOL AND BEING A COMPLETE TOOL. EVEN IN BIZARRO WORLD, WE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT LINE.

ANONYMITY CAN BE A FORCE FOR POSITIVE CHANGE IN THE WORLD. IT CAN ALSO BE EASILY ABUSED. THEREFORE, WE SHOULD ALL LEARN A LESSON THIS DAY AND USE THAT ANONYMITY ONLY FOR GOOD. OR, AT VERY LEAST, FOR NOT BEING A CREEPY STALKER.

GOODBYE, TURTLE BOY SPORTS. WE SHALL TREAT YOUR PASSING WITH THE UTMOST DIGNITY AND RESPECT…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARROMAD

 

… ALWAYS.

 

 

* AFTER INCONSIDERATION, WE HAVE IGNORED WORCESTER SHIT‘S OPINION ON DOXXING AND REMOVED THE LINK TO THIS ARTICLE. ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE NO ONE WOULD COME TO THIS ARTICLE LOOKING FOR THE FATE AND/OR IDENTITY OF THE MAN BEHIND TURTLE BOY SPORTS, MY SEARCH HITS STATE OTHERWISE. IT SHOULD ALSO BE KNOWN THAT NO ONE APPRECIATES CONTRADICTIONS MORE THAN BIZARRO LUKES.
TO THAT END, WE WILL ARBITRARILY PRACTICE WHAT WE PREACH. AND WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER ENJOY YOUR SUFFERING, SO ANYONE SEEKING THAT ARTICLE MUST GO THROUGH THE SAME TAXING PROCESS MR. KRIGER WENT THROUGH: A GOOGLE SEARCH OR, AT THE VERY LEAST, AN INTERNAL LINK.
MY INTEREST IN THE BIGGEST FIASCO IN ALL MY YEARS OF INTERNET SERVICE ENDS AND BEGINS WITH THE DEFENSE OF THE HONOR OF THE CITY OF WORCESTER AND TURTLE BOY HIMSELF, AS OPPOSED TO THE TREMENDOUS SCUMBAG WE PUT TO REST ON THIS DAY. HIS SCUMBAGGERY NOW STANDS AS A MATTER OF RECORD. WE HAVE NO FURTHER COMMENT OTHER THAN TO RECOGNIZE AND NOT IN ANY WAY MOCK LUDICROUSLY OVERZEALOUS SHOTS LIKE THIS.
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One thought on “EULOGY FOR TURTLE BOY (SPORTS) [BIZARRO UPDATE]

  1. Sean says:

    Slow clap.

    Bravo.

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