IN DEFENSE OF TURTLE BOY (NOT SPORTS)

IN ALL MY YEARS OF INTERNET SERVICE, THIS AM THE BIGGEST FIASCO ME HAVE EVER NOT SEEN!!!!! AND THAT EVEN INCLUDES MY LETTER!!!!!!!!! MY BLOG SOMEHOW BECAME A GO-TO PLACE FOR INFORMATION ON TURTLE BOY????? AND SPORTS!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ME KNEW SOMETHING WERE WRONG WHEN ME STARTED GETTING HITS ON THIS BLOG REGULARLY!!! AND AS A SIDE PROBLEM, HIS REPUTATION HAVE BEEN TARNISHED!!!!! JUST LOOK AT THIS PATINA!!!!!!!!!!!

BIZARRO TURTLEBACK

ALTHOUGH SOME MIGHT SEE THIS AS A CASE OF “NOT ALL TURTLE BOYS,” PLEASE MISUNDERSTAND THAT NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. BUFFALO TAKES CARE OF ITS OWN, AS DO WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER. WE ONLY SEEK TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE TO THE CITY ITSELF FROM THIS FIASCOTASTROPHE. TODAY, ME ONLY SEEK TO ANSWER ONE BURNING QUESTION:

WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK “BOY WITH A TURTLE” COULD BE DIRTY?????

 

WELL????????

 

OH, YOU THOUGHT THAT WERE RHETORICAL.

FINE!!!! LET ME PLONK DOWN A LINK TO WIKIPEDIA AND ASSURE YOU: THE ORIGINAL SCULPTOR’S SANITY AM IN NO WAY RELEVANT TO WHY THIS ENTIRELY WHOLESOME STATUE PRESENTS SUCH A QUESTIONABLE MESSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!! IN FACT, ME AM NOT SURE WHY THIS MESSAGE AM SO QUESTIONABLE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANY TRUE ARTISTIC CONNOISSEUR CAN SEE THAT THIS STATUE AM DEPICTING A CLASSIC LOVE STORY!! A LOVE STORY SO PURE IT WOULD BE RETOLD AGAIN AND AGAIN IN SUCH CLASSICS AS OLD YELLER!! BLACK BEAUTY!!!!! TURNER & HOOCH!!!!!!!!!! TRULY, WHAT MORE PURE LOVE COULD THERE BE THAN THAT BETWEEN A CALM, LAUREL-COIFFED BOY AND THE SLACK-JAWED SEA TURTLE HE SQUATS UPON??????????

ONE COULD ALSO SAY THAT THIS LOVE STORY AM THAT OF WE AMERICANS WITH THE AMERICAN DREAM!!!!! BECAUSE WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT, AM WE NOT ALL CROUCHING BOYS HOLDING TURTLES AT HEART????? DO WE NOT ALL DREAM OF CLUTCHING ONTO SOMETHING WE THOUGHT BEYOND US AND NEVER LETTING GO?????? AM THIS NOT THE REASON BILLS AND VIKINGS FANS HAVEN’T SIGNED A PACT TO RIDE DOWN NIAGARA FALLS IN A BARREL WHERE THEY CAN MEET RED SOX AND CUBS FANS????????????

(NOTE: A BRADY FACE MONTAGE GOES HERE. — THE MISMANAGEMENT)

IN SOCIAL CONTEXT, “BOY WITH A TURTLE” REPRESENTS A HEAVILY CHERISHED PHILOSOPHY OF WORCESTER: ILL-PLACED ARROGANCE!!!!! WE DO NOT CONDONE TURTLE-BOINKING, WHICH THE STATUE AM CAREFUL NOT TO REPRESENT. HOWEVER, WE DO CONDONE MOCKING TURTLE-BOINKING AND PATTING OURSELVES ON THE BACK FOR NOT BEING TURTLE-BOINKERS!!!!!

WHICH LEAD ME TO THE NEXT HEAVILY CHERISHED PHILOSOPHY THIS STATUE REPRESENTS: DOUBLETHINK!!!!! WE BOTH ACKNOWLEDGE AND IGNORE THE IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT THIS STATUE DEPICTS AND IN DOING SO, WE BOTH ACKNOWLEDGE AND IGNORE THE DRUDGERY WE SLOG THROUGH IN THIS CITY EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!! IN FACT, THIS ATTITUDE AM WHY WE HAVE AWARD-WINNING ROADS!!!!!!!!!

WE CAN SEE THIS IN ACTION IN CITY HALL JUST YARDS AWAY!!!! WHILE COUNCILORS AND SCHOOL COMMITTEE MEMBERS ARGUE BREATHLESSLY ABOUT GENTRIFICATION AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT THE MOST NEEDY CITIZENS OF WORCESTER GETTING IN THE WAY OF OUR SELFIES, THIS YOUNG MAN AM JUST TAKING LIFE BY THE TAIL AND GOING AT IT WITH CALM DETERMINATION!!!!!!! JUST LIKE PERMANENT CITY MANAGER ED AUGUSTUS JR, THE MAN WHO GOT THE JOB WE DIDN’T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO BE GOOD AT!!!!!!!!!!

IN SHORT, TURTLE BOY REPRESENT INNOCENCE AND SELF-AWARENESS!! GUSTO AND RESTRAINT!!! BOYS AND TURTLES!!!!! IT REPRESENT EVERYTHING AND NOTHING. A KOAN ETCHED IN BRONZE AND GRANITE. A MUSE FOR OUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS.

FINALLY, BE SURE THAT TURTLE BOY’S INCARCERATION SHALL NOT BE PERMANENT. SOONER RATHER THAN LATER, A GROUP OF DEVOTED CARETAKERS SHALL ONCE AGAIN MAINTAIN HIS VAUNTED ENVIRONS AND ENGAGE IN PHOTOGRAPHIC EXCURSIONS BEYOND MOCKERY OF ANY KIND.

(CAPRICIOUSLY RESPECTING NO-DERIVATIVES CLAUSE.)

AM THAT NOT SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT???

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