BIZARRO WORCESTER ELECTION RESULTS RODEO!!!!!

THE VOTES HAVE NOT BEEN TALLIED, AND A MANDATE HAVE NOT BEEN ISSUED. CHARLIE BAKER SHALL BE THE NEXT GOVERNOR OF MASSACHUSETTS, AND MARTHA COAKLEY SHALL BE THE NEXT MINDSETTER FOR GOLOCALWORCESTER.

VOTING. VOTING NEVER CHANGES.

BUT WHAT DO ALL THESE NUMBERS MEAN TO YOU, THE PLEBIAN??? IF YOU MANAGED NOT TO VOTE, THEN PREPARE TO BE SOCIALLY OSTRACIZED FOR THE REST OF THIS BLOG POST, LOSER!!!!! IF YOU DID, THEN PREPARE TO SEE A NUMBER OF ARBITRARILY CHOSEN AWARDS DESIGNED TO BOTH ENTHRALL AND GET HITS ON GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!

 

BEST ELECTION NIGHT PARTY:

MARTHA COAKLEY

BIZARROCOAKLEY

 

THE PARTY MARTHA COAKLEY THREW ON ELECTION NIGHT AS A WAY OF SAYING “THANK YOU” TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTED HER WILL BE REMEMBERED AS WITH EVERYTHING ELSE IN HER CAMPAIGN: A COGNITIVE-DISSONANT BLACK HOLE. THE PARTY RAGED ON UNTIL 1 AM, AT WHICH POINT THE CASH BAR CLOSED, THE HOUSE LIGHTS BLINKED, AND SECURITY SPRAYED A FIRE HOSE DIRECTLY AT ROBERT DELEO. MARTHA COAKLEY, IN THE SAME SPIRIT OF ZEN IN WHICH SHE RAN HER CAMPAIGN, NEVER APPEARED.

BIZARROBAKER

BY CONTRAST, GOVERNOR-ELECT CHARLIE BAKER REMOVED HIS PANTS, CHUGGED A BOTTLE OF BAILEY’S AND DANCED TO J-KWON’S “TIPSY” BEFORE GIVING A SPEECH TO THANK HIS SUPPORTERS, AFTER WHICH HE PLAYFULLY NOOGIED LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR-ELECT KARYN POLITO.

IN LIGHT OF BAKER’S VICTORY, PUNDITS ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE BEEN LOOKING TO THIS RACE AS A BELLWETHER BECAUSE THEY LIKE THE TERM “BELLWETHER”, NOT BECAUSE THREE REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS WERE ELECTED TO THE OFFICE BETWEEN MIKE DUKAKIS AND DEVAL PATRICK. PUNDITS, THAT IS, EXCEPT MIKE BARNICLE — WHO SOUGHT TO REMIND EVERYONE HE WERE MIKE BARNICLE.

ULTIMATELY, THIS RACE SHALL MATTER LITTLE TO WORCESTER IN ANY CASE!!!! WE IN THIS CITY CARE LITTLE ABOUT GOVERNORS UNLESS THEY REMEMBER THE CITY ACTUALLY EXISTS.

IT AM NOT LIKE WE HAPPEN TO BE WORKING ON A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR PROJECT IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN, RIGHT??????

 

BEST PLACE IN WORCESTER TO LIVE IF RACIST AND/OR INSANE:

WARD 8, PRECINCT 1

WITH AN ASTONISHING 10 VOTES TOTALING 0.029% OF THE VOTE (WITH AN EQUALLY EMBARRASSING 19% TURNOUT), SCOTT LIVELY EASILY CLAIMED A FOURTH-PLACE VICTORY IN THE HOME OF BEN’S CAFE, BEST KNOWN FOR ITS SCENIC BOARDED WINDOWS AND STENCH OF DESPAIR!!! ALTHOUGH LIVELY CLAIMED 17 VOTES IN WARD 1, PRECINCT 1, WE SALUTE THIS PRECINCT BECAUSE HERE HE MOST CLEARLY CAPTURED THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF RESIDENTS WHO HATE NEARBY CROMPTON PARK BECAUSE IT GETS IN THE WAY OF ALL THE FEATURELESS WAREHOUSES.

 

MOST LIKELY TO REGRET A TYPO:

STEPHEN ABRAHAM

INVETTIBLE

MOST LIKELY TO MAIL HERSELF TO WORK:

STEPHANIE FATTMAN

FATTMAN_LICK

 

ONE WOULD EXPECT A RACE FOR REGISTER OF PROBATE TO BE AS INTERESTING AS A TRIP TO THE PROBATE OFFICE. OF COURSE, SINCE ME STARTED THAT LAST SENTENCE WITH “ONE WOULD EXPECT”, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT AM COMING NEXT, SO ME WILL SPEND THE REST OF THIS SENTENCE RAMBLING ABOUT THE FUTILITY OF BOTH THE FIRST SENTENCE AND YOUR EXISTENCE.

BOTH THESE CANDIDATES GAVE EXCELLENT REASONS WHY THEY SHOULD HOLD AN OFFICE YOU WILL PROBABLY FORGET THEY RAN FOR BY NEXT YEAR. ABRAHAM RAN ON HIS RECORD, AND SO DID FATTMAN!!! HOWEVER, IT CAN BE HOPED THAT STEPHANIE FATTMAN WILL NOT STAND BY HER CLAIM TO BRING BACK “CUSTOMER SERVICE, ACCOUNTABILITY AND RESPECT” TO THE WORCESTER COUNTY PROBATE AND FAMILY COURT DEPARTMENT. WE HAVE STANDARDS TO MAINTAIN IN WORCESTER COUNTY!!!!!

 

BEST THIRD-PLACE WINNER:

EVAN FALCHUK

 

WE HAD A PICTURE OF FALCHUK HERE, BUT SINCE WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER CANNOT GRASP THE CONCEPT THAT AM MR. FALCHUK’S EXCESSIVELY EXCEPTIONAL HAIR, WE OMIT THE PICTURE TO MAINTAIN OUR INSANITY. WITH 3.3% OF THE VOTE IN THE RACE FOR GOVERNOR, THE UNITED INDEPENDENT PARTY SHALL BE OFFICIALLY RECOGNIZED AS “THAT PARTY THAT’S LESS WEIRD THAN THE GREEN-RAINBOW PARTY”!!!!!!!

WE ALSO RECOGNIZE THAT THE GREEN-RAINBOW PARTY ALSO GAINED OFFICIAL RECOGNITION, BUT NONE OF THEIR CANDIDATES HAD DECENT HAIR.

WE ALSO NOTE WILLIAM FEEGBEH’S THIRD-PLACE FINISH IN THE STATE REPRESENTATIVE RACE VERSUS HARRIET CHANDLER AND OFFER HIM A CONSOLATION PRIZE OF ONE GENTLY-USED EGG SANDWICH FROM GEORGE’S CONEY ISLAND LUNCH.

 

 

THE 2014 BIZARRO MASSACHUSETTS POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR AWARD:

JOHN FRESOLO

demotivational_fresolo

THERE CAN BE NO QUESTION ABOUT JOHN FRESOLO BEING A FRIEND TO WORCESTER. A TRUE FRIEND. THE SORT OF FRIEND WHO WILL INVITE HIMSELF IN, POUR HIMSELF DRINKS, AND PUKE ON YOUR CARPET. HIS LEGENDARY RELATIONSHIP WITH WORCESTER MAGAZINE SENIOR WRITER AND RED CROSS CHEST HAIR DONOR WALTER BIRD JR AM NOT NOT UNLIKE THE CAMARADERIE BETWEEN CHARLIE ROSE AND HILLARY CLINTON.

THIS YEAR, HOWEVER, MARKS A BANNER YEAR FOR THE 50-YEAR-OLD VETERAN OF CENTRAL MASSACHUSETTS POLITICS!!! HAVING THREATENED TO RUIN FOR OFFICE, HE HAVE RECENTLY TRUMPED HIS FAILURE BY MANSPLAINING HIS SIDE OF A STORY NO ONE WANTED TO HEAR!!!!!

LET US BE FAIR TO MR. FRESOLO. A NUDE PICTURE OF HIMSELF ACCIDENTALLY ENDED UP ON HIS COMPUTER PAINTS A SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT PICTURE THAN INTENTIONALLY DOING SO. IN FACT, FRESOLO’S EXPLANATION ENGENDERS AN AURA OF TRUST. AS HE STATES, HE WERE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE ANYTHING SENT TO A CELLPHONE LINKED TO A PUBLIC RECORD WOULD APPEAR IN PUBLIC RECORDS!!!!! AND SINCE HE WENT BEFORE AN ETHICS COMMITTEE AND NOT A DUMBASS COMMITTEE, WE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!!!!!!!!

ME AM ALSO SURE THAT FRESOLO’S INSISTENCE ON PLAYING GAMES WITH LITTLE JOHNNY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ACTUAL CHARGES THE ETHICS COMMITTEE INVESTIGATED, WHICH NO ONE WOULD HAVE PROBABLY EVER MADE A CONNECTION BETWEEN IF HE HADN’T OPENED HIS BIG SMUG MOUTH.

JOHN FRESOLO, FOR BRINGING RECOGNITION TO MASSACHUSETTS POLITICS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD AND DIGGING YOURSELF AN EVER-DEEPER POLITICAL GRAVE… WE BIZARRO SALUTE YOU.

 

 

AND NOW…

 

 

BIGGEST WINNER OF THE 2014 MASSACHUSETTS ELECTION:

BIZARRO LUKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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CONGLATURATIONS, WORCESTER!!!!! WITH YOUR 35.5% TURNOUT, YOU HAVE COLLECTIVELY POSTED THE WORST MIDTERM ELECTION TURNOUT SINCE 1950!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AS YOU ALL KNOW, WHEN EVERYONE ELSE LOSES…

ME WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR WHEN ME AND THE REST OF THE COUNCIL WILL SEE YOUR 6% VOTER TURNOUT AND INITIATE A BOLD NEW ORDINANCE TO FORCE EVERY CITIZEN OF WORCESTER TO JOIN THE CIRCUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOPE YOU CAN DO A BARREL ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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One thought on “BIZARRO WORCESTER ELECTION RESULTS RODEO!!!!!

  1. […] STATED BY A PROMINENT WORCESTER PUNDIT, JOHN FRESOLO CLEARLY WOULD LIKE THIS WHOLE MATTER PUT BEHIND HIM AND SO HE HAVE DONE THE LOGICAL […]

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