ME LEAVE WORCESTER FOR 10 DAYS AND THIS HAPPEN?????

ME CAN’T NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE TO MY HIDDEN SPY NETWORK FOR MORE THAN 3 HOURS WITHOUT SOME REGIONAL MEDIA MONOPOLY FORMING!!!!! OR AN ALLEGED CURRY-EATER BRINGING CHAOS TO THIS CITY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!!!!!!!! OR A PREMATURELY DISGRACED POLITICIAN LOOKING TO STIMULATE A FLACCID CAREER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE BALANCE BETWEEN OUR WORLDS MUST BE RESTORED!!!!!!!!!!!! ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES AND TRY TO FOLLOW ALONG, PEONS OF WORCESTER, FOR BIZARRO LUKES SHALL FIX ALL OF THESE PROBLEMS…

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WE BEGIN WITH THE UNHOLY MARRIAGE OF THE WORCESTER TELEGRAM AND WORCESTER MAGAZINE!!!! TO THOSE NOT FAMILIAR WITH WORCESTER NEWS ORGANIZATIONS, THIS WOULD BE LIKE HEARING THE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT YOUR DAUGHTER DECIDED TO START SHACKING UP WITH YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW SHORTLY AFTER YOU MARRIED HIS DAUGHTER, EFFECTIVELY MAKING YOU YOUR OWN GRANDPA.

THERE WILL MOST LIKELY BE NO MAJOR CHANGES TO EITHER ORGANIZATION. UNTIL, THAT IS, THE YEARLY OLYMPIAD BETWEEN THE STAFF WRITERS!!!! AT THIS POINT, THE TELEGRAM HAVE WON 12 STRAIGHT OLYMPIADS IN A ROW, AND THEY PLAY TO WIN!!!!!! THIS YEAR, HOWEVER, MAY BE DIFFERENT!!!!!!!! WILL BRITTANY DURGIN CONFESS HER FEELINGS FOR BOB KIEVRA ON LAKE QUINSIGAMOND????? WILL JANICE HARVEY’S TRAINING PAY OFF IN THE BIG ROAD RACE???????? WILL ANYONE BE ABLE TO TOP DIANNE WILLIAMSON IN THE BURPING CONTEST?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

SHOULD THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPEN AND WORCESTER MAGAZINE BE ABSORBED INTO THE TELEGRAM, ALL SHALL NOT NOT BE LOST!!!!!! NICK KOTSOPOULOS AND WALTER BIRD SHALL JOIN FORCES TO COVER AND/OR TERRORIZE CITY HALL LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!! JANICE HARVEY AND CLIVE MCFARLANE SHALL ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THEY NO LONGER NEED TO HIDE THEIR DECADES-LONG RITUAL OF GETTING IT ON IN THE FAIRWAY BEEF PARKING LOT EVERY TIME THEIR COLUMNS DRAW AT LEAST A DOZEN REPLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PAUL ROGERS SHALL BE REPLANTED IN FRONT OF VOLTURNO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRULY, A MEDIA MONOPOLY IN WORCESTER SHALL GIVE US WHAT WE HAVE ALWAYS NEEDED IN THIS CITY: AN UNDISPUTED VOICE OF THE PEOPLE.

OR IT COULD GIVE US THE CENTRAL MASS J. PETERMAN CATALOG WE HAVE ALL NOT BEEN WAITING FOR. EITHER WAY, MORE BLOOD FOR THE CORPORATE MEDIA BLOOD GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

NEXT, JOHN FRESOLO’S INCREASING IRRELEVANCE!!!!!!!!!!

AS WE ALL KNOW, THE BEST WAY TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF RETURNING TO BEACON HILL AFTER LEAVING IN DISGRACE WOULD BE TO REMIND EVERYONE WHY YOU LEFT IN DISGRACE:

To my friends and neighbors,

I am enclosing an article that appeared in the November 8th issue of the Telegram & Gazette, which I wrote by way of explaining to the public why I decided to resign my position as your State Representative.

I wrote the explanation for the public because even after many months since I resigned, there continued to be a lot of misinformation, some innocent and some deliberate, which has left it unclear to a lot of you about my decision.  I resigned to protect others and it was as simple as that.  To continue to fight against overwhelming animosity by leadership would have meant hurting others, and frankly, may not have ultimately changed my status.

As my friends and neighbors, I want you to know that I appreciate your support and understanding about the entire situation.  I know that you recognize I never intended to say or do anything that would be dishonorable or dishonest.  If I made mistakes, I can only ask for your forgiveness.

It was a privilege to serve as your representative and I want you to know that I will continue to strive to be a good friend in the years ahead.

AS STATED BY A PROMINENT WORCESTER PUNDIT, JOHN FRESOLO CLEARLY WOULD LIKE THIS WHOLE MATTER PUT BEHIND HIM AND SO HE HAVE DONE THE LOGICAL THING AND BROUGHT IT UP ALL OVER AGAIN!!! IN THE ARTICLE, FRESOLO STATES THAT THE NUDE PICTURE WERE SENT AS A PRACTICAL JOKE AS OPPOSED TO AN UNWARRANTED ADVANCE. HE HAVE SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT: IF YOU WANT TO HACK THE STATEHOUSE COMPUTER, JUST GET JOHN FRESOLO RE-ELECTED AND THEN SLEEP WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN ADDITION, ALSO AS STATED BY A PROMINENT WORCESTER PUNDIT, THE CONNECTIONS BETWEEN THE ETHICS CHARGES OVER EXORBITANT TRAVEL EXPENSES AND AN ERRANT LASCIVIOUS PHOTO WERE VAGUE UNTIL JOHN FRESOLO HIMSELF PROVIDED THE ANSWER. CONNECTIONS WHICH WOULD HAVE REMAINED UNCLEAR UNLESS A MOVE TO DENY FRESOLO PENSION BENEFITS WERE CARRIED OUT.

THAT SOUND YOU HEAR WOULD BE THE ENORMOUS BRASS BALLS OF JOHN FRESOLO CLANGING DOWN GRAFTON STREET AS HE DICTATED THAT LETTER.

WHY DID HE NOT DO THIS AT ANY OTHER POINT WITHIN THE PAST 18 MONTHS????? CLEARLY HE HAD NO AUDIENCE WHATSOEVER THEN!!!!!!! HE CERTAINLY WOULD NOT HAVE HAD ONE IN WORCESTER MAGAZINE’S WALTER BIRD JR, WHO WOULD NEVER EVER STOOP TO INTERVIEWING SUCH A LOSER!!!!!!!!!!

PERHAPS THIS IMPRESSION OF MR. FRESOLO AM TOO CYNICAL AND TOO UNCRITICAL OF POTENTIALLY THE VERY SAME SOURCES WHO HE BELIEVE DISCREDIT HIM.  BUT CONSIDER THIS: WHEN YOU HAVE SCREWED UP SO BADLY THAT EVEN THE BRITISH ANSWER TO GOLOCALWORCESTER USES YOUR STORY AS CLICKBAIT, IT MIGHT BE TIME TO STOP SPENDING MONEY ON DAMAGE CONTROL AND JUST GRIT YOUR TEETH, END YOUR DREAM OF BEING A RESPECTED POLITICIAN, AND MOVE TO PROVIDENCE.

 

FINALLY, THE INVASION OF BILL COSBY.

WE UNDERSTAND THE LEGAL AND CULTURAL IMPLICATIONS OF A VENUE OWNER CANCELLING A TOUR FEATURING A PERSONALITY THEY DON’T LIKE. HAVING SQUELCHED OUR OPPOSITION NUMEROUS TIMES, WE NOTE THAT SUPPORTERS WOULD LIKELY COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS LIKE THE “FREE MARKET” AND “NOT WANTING TO BE FED TO HUNGRY ALLIGATORS”!!!!!

WE ALSO NOTE THEY WOULD LIKELY AGREE WITH WORLD-CLASS JAMES BUCHANAN IMPERSONATOR AND REPUBLICAN PARTY FANBOY CHRISTOPHER PINTO:

WE SHOULD TAKE A MOMENT TO THANK CHRISTOPHER PINTO FOR THIS SELFLESS CONTRIBUTION TO THE INTERNET. WITH YOUR STATEMENT SETTING A NEW STANDARD FOR IGNORANCE ON THE INTERNET IN CENTRAL MASSACHUSETTS, YOU HAVE MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR EVEN OUR DUMBEST IDEAS TO LOOK GOOD BY COMPARISON.

BUT MOCKING CHRISTOPHER PINTO, AS THE REST OF WORCESTER HAVE, DO NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM AT HAND!!!! THE SOLUTION AM NOT TO CLOSE RANKS, BUT OPEN THEM!!!!!! WE MUST INVITE A SPEAKER TO ADDRESS CULTURAL DOUBLE STANDARDS LIKE THESE!!!!!!!!!! WE NEED SOMEONE WHO SENDS PEOPLE INTO FROTHING RAGE SIMPLY BY POINTING OUT THINGS WE ALREADY KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE WITH A SERIES OF VIDEOS THAT ONLY A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY WATCHED DESPITE RECEIVING MILLIONS OF HITS ON YOUTUBE, YET SOMEHOW RUINED VIDEO GAMES FOR ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO COULD POSSIBLY FILL THIS ROLE????? WHO COULD INSPIRE FANS DISGUSTED BY THE HATRED SHE GENERATES FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMPLETELY MISSED HER POINTS WHICH, IN A TWIST OF IRONY PERFECT FOR BIZARRO WORCESTER, CONFIRMS THE RELEVANCE OF HER COMMENTARY IN THE FIRST PLACE?????? WHO WOULD BE EQUALLY AT HOME SPEAKING AT THE HANOVER THEATER OR LINCOLN SQUARE???????? WHO COULD GET ME SOME FACE TIME WITH CONSERVATIVE ICON STEPHEN COLBERT??????????

WHO CAN SAVE WORCESTER FROM BILL COSBY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

ME HAVE NO IDEA.

HOWEVER, IN A CITY WHERE VIRTUALLY ANY CAMPAIGN WITHIN WORCESTER CAN GO VIRAL BECAUSE NOTHING ELSE EVER HAPPEN, ME AM SURE SOMEONE COULD THINK OF SOMETHING. WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER MUST STAY SILENT FOR TWO REASONS: FIRST, THERE AM VICIOUS RUMORS THAT BIZARRO LUKES AM SOME SORT OF FICTIONAL CHARACTER AND WOULD UNDERMINE AN OTHERWISE EARNEST CAMPAIGN. SECOND, “HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE ‘RETSECROW’???” JUST DOESN’T NOT HAVE A NICE RING TO IT.

 

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT NOT!!!!!!! IN THE GREAT TRADITION OF USING THE TIME JUST AFTER AN ELECTION TO DO THINGS NO SANE PERSON WOULD VOTE FOR, ALL OF WORCESTER’S PROBLEMS HAVE ONCE AGAIN BEEN SOLVED WITH SEMI-EFFECTIVE HALF-MEASURES WHICH WILL PROBABLY RUIN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT SO HELP ME NOT, IF ME GO ON VACATION AGAIN AND A SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM RUPTURE HAPPENS IN KELLEY SQUARE…  HEADS SHALL ROLL*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* – BIZARRO NOTE:  HEADS SHALL ROLL ANYWAY.