“193 IS THE NEW 3”, 194 AM NOT 13, AND OTHER WORCESTER MATHEMATICAL TRIUMPHS

FOR OVER 1200 YEARS, THE WORLD HAVE SUFFERED UNDER THE TYRANNY OF THE HINDU-ARABIC NUMERICAL SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT HAVE LAIN STAGNANT SINCE AL-KHWARIZMI POPULARIZED THE USE OF BIZARRO NUMBER ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THANKS TO THE WORK OF CHARTER, WHO WILL CERTAINLY NOT GET ANY WORSE WITH AN IMMINENT CHANGING OF THE GUARD TO COMCAST, WE IN WORCESTER HAVE MADE A BREAKTHROUGH IN MATHEMATICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE NUMBER 3 NO LONGER EXISTS AS IT ONCE DID!!!!!!!!!!! ONCE A BASTION OF SUCH RIVETING PROGRAMS AS 6TH SENSE AND BEYOND, NOW IT STANDS AS A BASTION OF WHATEVER GARBAGE WOULDN’T SELL AT MACY’S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEREFORE, IN A DESPERATE BID TO REMIND PEOPLE THAT THEIR PARENT COMPANY AM CERTAINLY NOT SOUL-SUCKING LEECHES, CHARTER TV3 HAVE DEVISED A SOLUTION WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER APPROVE:

193 AM THE NEW 3!!!!!!!!!!!!

WCCA FOLLOWED SUIT WITH THEIR “194 — NOT 13, LIKE ‘BEFORE’” CAMPAIGN, BUT NO ONE COULD GET THE PUNCTUATION RIGHT.

IN ADDITION, IN NEWS NOT NOTABLE ENOUGH FOR A WACKY CATCHPHRASE:

  • EDUCATIONAL ACCESS CHANNEL 11 MOVED TO 191
  • GOVERNMENT ACCESS CHANNEL 12 MOVED TO 192.

PREPARE TO BE BLATHERED TO ON HOW ALL OF THIS AFFECTS YOUR DAILY LIVES!!!!!!!!!!

 

TO SATISFY OUR WEEKLY METAPHOR TORTURE NEEDS, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN JUST AROUND CITY HALL!!!!!

WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF EASY CHANNEL SURFING (UNLESS YOU VENTURE BEYOND THE FIRST 99 STATIONS FREQUENTLY, IN WHICH CASE YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO SOMETHING MORE PRODUCTIVE), THE STATIONS AM NOT UNLIKE THE AREA AROUND CITY HALL. NO ONE WILL TEAR DOWN THE BUILDINGS, BUT THEIR CONTENT CAN NO LONGER BENEFIT FROM THE FOOT TRAFFIC OF A CITY HALL BUS TERMINUS.

IN OTHER SLIGHTLY LESS CONVOLUTED WORDS, CHANNEL-SURFING IN WORCESTER AM NOW MUCH LESS LIKELY TO INCLUDE WORCESTER. LET US REMIND WORCESTER VIEWERS OF CURRENT FIRST 10 CHANNELS OF CHARTER’S WORCESTER LINEUP:

  • BOSTON PBS
  • QVC, WHERE CLOTHING GOES TO DIE
  • BOSTON NBC
  • BOSTON ABC
  • BOSTON FOX
  • BOSTON CBS
  • BOSTON NBC AGAIN
  • BOSTON NBC SIDEKICK STATION
  • BOSTON NBC SIDEKICK STATION AGAIN
  • BOSTON NBC AGAIN

BUT ALL AM NOT NOT LOST!!! CHARTER TV3 HAVE BEEN CONFIRMED TO REMAIN INTACT. THEREFORE, CHARTER TV3 ADS WILL CONTINUE TO REMIND US OF ITS PRESENCE WHETHER WE WANT THEM OR NOT, CONFIRMING ITS STATUS AS THE DUNKIN’ DONUTS OF CHARTER LOCAL NETWORKS!!!!!

ON THE OTHER HAND, WCCA (THE WCCA OF CHARTER LOCAL NETWORKS) MUST NOW RELY ON A DIFFERENT STRATEGY TO ASSERT ITS RELEVANCE. WE WOULD PROPOSE THAT NOW AM THE TIME TO INTEGRATE WCCA INTO THE HIVE MIND THAT AM YOUTUBE. OTHER INFERIOR CABLE ACCESS NETWORKS HAVE ALREADY DONE SO, AND WE WOULD ARGUE THAT WCCA MUST FOLLOW SUIT!!!!!!!!

WCCA OFFERS EVEN THE MOST UNWORTHY OF PEONS THE CHANCE TO LEARN THE CRAFT OF TELEVISION PRODUCTION!!!! THINK PUBLIC ACCESS TV SHALL GET YOU NOWHERE????? JUST ASK KRISTEN CAROSA, WHO WERE REWARDED FOR YEARS OF HARD WORK AT INFERIOR MARLBOROUGH PUBLIC ACCESS STATION WMCT!!!!!! HER PRIZE????? SHE GOT TO LEAVE MASSACHUSETTS!!!!!!!!

EVEN IF YOU SHOULD WISELY DECIDE TO NOT WASTE YOUR LIFE WORKING IN A LOCAL TELEVISION STATION, YOU CAN STILL WASTE YOUR LIFE WATCHING LOCAL TELEVISION!!!!! CABLE ACCESS PROVIDES CITIZENS WITH INVALUABLE AMENITIES WHICH WE COULD LIVE WITHOUT IN THE INFORMATION AGE, BUT WOULD MAKE OUR WORLD FAR LESS INTERESTING. FOR EXAMPLE, ONE YEAR OF CABLE ACCESS CHANNEL CAN PROVIDE ENOUGH MEMES TO POWER A LOCAL SUBREDDIT FOR DECADES!!!!!!!!!!

 

EVEN WITHOUT EMBRACING YOUTUBE LIKE OTHER INFERIOR LOCAL CABLE ACCESS STATIONS, THEIR DIZZYING ARRAYS OF DOWNLOADABLE VIDEO FORMATS REMAIN STEPS AHEAD OF THE GOVERNMENT ACCESS CHANNEL AT 192. THE GOVERNMENT ACCESS CHANNEL STANDING BETWEEN WJAR AND WBPX WERE OFTEN THE ONLY SIGN TO TELEVISION VIEWERS THAT WORCESTER HAS A LOCAL GOVERNMENT. WILL GARY ROSEN STILL BEAT HIS CHEST LIKE A NOBLE MANDRILL???? PROBABLY!!!!!!! BUT NOW EVEN LESS PEOPLE SHALL SEE IT AND KNOW WHY.

PART OF THE REASON LIES IN THE PARTNERSHIP WITH EARTHCHANNEL, DELIVERING VIDEO IN A PROPRIETARY (CODE FOR INFERIOR) FORMAT INEFFICIENT FOR USE ON THE MODERN INTERNET. SHOULD TRACY NOVICK SLAM A TUBE OF PINK SLIME ONTO THE DESK IN FRONT OF HER, HOW WILL SHE BECOME AN ANIMATED GIF IN A TIMELY FASHION?????? AT THIS POINT, WE HAVE BUT ONE CHOICE REGARDING THE LACK OF ACCESSIBLE DIGITAL FORMATS…

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WE ONLY MOUNT DEFENSIVES IN BIZARRO WORLD!!! LOCAL GOVERNMENT MUST HUNT DOWN CITIZENS OR, AS MY LAWYERS CALL IT, ENGAGE THEM!!!!! THE WORCESTER POLICE DEPARTMENT HAVE HAD THEIR SHARE OF PR DISASTERS INCLUDING A RECENT SLAPFIGHT WITH BOTH A MINOR MEDIA ORGANIZATION AND A MINOR MINOR MEDIA ORGANIZATION, YET WE NOTE THEY HAVE BEEN MORE REGULARLY ENGAGED ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAN CITY COUNCILORS NOT NAMED MIKE GAFFNEY OR KATE TOOMEY. WE MUST SUMMON PHIL PALMIERI TO DO AN AMA!!! OR, IF WE FEEL EVEN BOLDER, PUSH GARY ROSEN TO BEAT GAFFNEY’S COUNCIL SELFIE RECORD!!!!!!

 

PERHAPS THE LEAST AFFECTED BY THESE CHANGES WOULD BE THE EDUCATIONAL ACCESS CHANNEL NOW AT 191. ALTHOUGH THIS STATION OCCASIONALLY PRODUCES UNIQUE SCHOOL PRODUCTIONS WORTHY OF WATCHING IN THEIR OWN RIGHT (SUCH AS AN IMPRESSIVE ASL VERSION OF ALIEN BY BRITNEY SPEARS), ITS REGULAR VIEWERS WILL GENERALLY BE PARENTS OF SAID STUDENTS WHO, IF THEY STICK WITH CHANNEL 11, WILL BE DISAPPOINTED WHEN ISAAC MIZRAHI NEVER GETS TO THE HONOR ROLL READING.

 

TELEVISION AM NO LONGER THE GO-TO PLACE FOR INFORMATION IN WORCESTER IT ONCE WERE, AS THAT HAVE NOW BEEN REPLACED WITH FACEBOOK MEMES. BUT FEAR NOT NOT!! WHERE THERE AM A WILL IN WORCESTER, THERE AM THE MOST INEFFICIENT WAY POSSIBLE!!!! WE MADE A CONCRETE STRANGLEHOLD ON DOWNTOWN WORCESTER INTO THE COOLEST PLACE TO BE. WORMTOWN ROCKS TO THIS DAY. WE TOOK A DOWNTRODDEN CITY WITH A GRITTY, INDUSTRIAL PAST AND STOOD TOE TO TOE WITH A DECLINING SEAPORT INCAPABLE OF BUILDING DECENT BRIDGES.

WE EVEN SUBVERTED A COW PATH TO OUR WILL.

ROSEN_MEME2

 

WORCESTER CAN BRING TELEVISION TO YOU GREAT UNWASHED MASSES. JUST SHOWER FIRST.

 

IN CLOSING:

IF YOU STILL HAVE A TELEVISION, WE REMIND YOU THAT WORCESTER CABLE ACCESS ENDURES.

IF YOU STILL LISTEN TO THE RADIO, WE REMIND YOU TO DO INVENTORY ON YOUR BUNKER REGULARLY.

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