HOW SHREWSBURY WON THE REVOLUTION… LET’S NOT PLAY LIBERTY OR DEATH!!!!!!!!!! (CHAPTER 1)

I

WHEREIN THE MOST ELECTRIFYING BUDGET DISCUSSION IN COMPUTER GAMING HISTORY FOLLOWS A SPACKLED-TOGETHER BACKSTORY

MISSED THE EXPLANATION FOR BEING A PART OF THIS NONSENSE??? CLICK HERE!!!!!

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JUNE 15, 1775

AFTER THE BATTLE AT BUNKER HILL, DEBATE ENSUED IN PHILADELPHIA OVER WHO WOULD LEAD THE NEW CONTINENTAL ARMY. PER A CONTEMPORARY ACCOUNT, “A number of the members were for Mr. Hancock; more were for Charles Lee; many for Washington; but the greatest number were for Artemas Ward.”  HISTORICALLY, IN THE INTERESTS OF PREVENTING A SCHISM BETWEEN THE NORTHERN AND SOUTHERN CONTINENTAL DELEGATES, THE NOD WENT TO GEORGE WASHINGTON OF VIRGINIA.

BIZARRO_HENRY

HOWEVER, THANKS TO OUR DEFT IMPERSONATION OF SAMUEL ADAMS, WE BENT HISTORY TO OUR WILL!!!! TO MAKE A LONG STORY SOMEHOW EVEN LONGER, ARTEMAS WARD WERE UNANIMOUSLY VOTED COMMANDER IN CHIEF, WITH GEORGE WASHINGTON HIS SECOND IN COMMAND!!! IN THE WANING DAYS OF JUNE, GENERAL WASHINGTON ARRIVED IN CAMBRIDGE (REPRESENTED BY NORTHAMPTON FOR SOME REASON).

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THOUGH INCENSED BY THE IDEA OF TAKING ORDERS FROM WARD, THERE SEEMED NO OBVIOUS SIGNS OF DISSENT IN PUBLIC. BUT EVEN WITH HISTORY REWRITTEN, THE DASHING WASHINGTON WOULD CONSTANTLY STEAL THE SHOW. SCHOLARS WOULD ARGUE THIS WERE PART OF WARD’S CUNNING PLAN; WE KNOW BETTER.

JULY 1, 1775

CONTINENTAL CONGRESS PRESIDENT JOHN HANCOCK’S CORRESPONDENCE WITH ARTEMAS WARD WOULD REVOLVE AROUND AN ISSUE THAT ELECTRIFIES POLITICS TO THIS DAY: BUDGET DISCUSSIONS!!!!!

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FIRST, WORCESTER RESIDENTS SHOULD NOTE SCHOOLS FUNDED TO THEIR OPTIMUM LEVEL: ZERO.

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SECOND, ALTHOUGH WE NOTE THE CRITICAL IMPORTANCE OF THE ADMIRALTY (HEADED BY THE JAUNTILY-CAPPED WILLIAM VERNON), WARD INSISTED THAT HIS TROOPS BE PROPERLY FED EVEN IF THEY WERE ONLY OUTFITTED WITH PAPER TRICORNE HATS MADE FROM OLD GAZETTES. ALSO, A MISSIVE FROM JOHN ADAMS GLEEFULLY EXPRESSES SUCCESS WITH FINAGLING 2 REGIMENTS TO SEND SOUTH.

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WE NOTE IN THE SUMMER OF 1775, BRITAIN ONLY LOST CONTROL OF THE SOUTHERN COLONIES BECAUSE THEY FORGOT TO SEND A SHIP THERE. OTHERWISE, AMERICA WERE PROBABLY BONED.

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AS WE CAN SEE, THIS GAME FEATURES A GREAT DEAL OF INFORMATION, NONE OF WHICH WE SHALL EXPLAIN HERE.

… OH, VERY UNWELL. THE ICONS IN THE LOWER RIGHT-HAND CORNER REPRESENT THE FOLLOWING:

  • LOD_BREAD RATIONS, WITHOUT WHICH TROOPS CANNOT FIGHT.
  • LOD_POWDER POWDER, WITHOUT WHICH TROOPS FIGHT MUCH LESS EFFICIENTLY.
  • LOD_CASH THE LOCAL TREASURY, THE DISTRICT’S AVAILABLE MONEY.
  • LOD_TROOPS TROOPS, A BROAD ESTIMATE OF THE DISTRICT’S MILITARY STRENGTH.
  • LOD_BARRACKS BARRACKS, NECESSARY FOR LARGE NUMBERS OF TROOPS.
  • LOD_FORTS FORTIFICATIONS, THE NUMBER OF LARGE/SMALL FORTS.

WE NOTE FROM WARD’S EXTENSIVE CORRESPONDENCE THAT TRAINING (IN THE REGIMENTS MENU, JUST LIKE IT WOULD BE IN 1775) WOULD BE THE FIRST PRIORITY FOR ANY COMMANDER WITHOUT OTHER INSIGNIFICANT NEEDS LIKE RATIONS, POWDER OR BARRACKS. WITH TROOPS FURTHER IN THE FRAY, 1 RATION AND POWDER PER SOLDIER WOULD BE MORE CAREFULLY OBSERVED, BUT WITH ONLY TORIES (IN PINK) AT FORT STANWIX TO THE WEST, DRILLS FROM MONTGOMERY AND SOME GUY NAMED DANNY MORGAN TOOK PRECEDENCE.

ORDERS FROM FORT TICONDEROGA (#13) WERE EQUALLY THRILLING WHILE AT WHITE PLAINS (#18),  WERE EQUALLY THRILLING WITH WILLIAM “LORD STERLING” ALEXANDER SENT NORTHWARD FROM WHITE PLAINS TO ALBANY.

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IN SPRINGFIELD (#6), PREPARATIONS WERE MADE TO MEET THE ENEMY AT BUNKER HILL. INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR GUNS FROM TICONDEROGA, IT WERE DECIDED THAT THE BRITISH FORCES SHOULD BE DRIVEN FROM BOSTON SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. AN UNCHARACTERISTICALLY SOBER CHARLES LEE WERE ORDERED TO CONSTRUCT CANNON FOR USE BY HENRY KNOX.

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GENERAL LEE AND MAJOR DAVID MASON WERE GRANTED FURLOUGH SHORTLY THEREAFTER. MEANWHILE, FOOD AND POWDER WERE PURCHASED IN PREPARATION FOR THE ASSAULT.

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THE MARCH BEGAN. MAJOR TENCH TILGHMAN OF MARYLAND ALSO MARCHED FROM SPRINGFIELD, WHILE GENERAL PUTNAM WERE ORDERED TO GUARD THE SUPPLY LINES.

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REINFORCEMENTS WERE REQUESTED FROM PORTSMOUTH AND NEWPORT. MAJOR CHRISTOPHER GREENE (3RD COUSIN OF NATHANAEL GREENE) ANSWERED THE CALL FROM NEWPORT.

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FINALLY, THE HOST OF WARD’S ARMY ARRIVED AT BOSTON. WHILE ADDRESSING HIS TROOPS, HE DEVELOPED AN ATTACK OF “THE STONES”. REFUSING ASSISTANCE FROM HIS AIDES, HE CONTINUED HIS SPEECH…

A_WARD_LODPray, Sons of this Providential Continent, attend me! For Providence shall be the order of this day! ‘Tis true Providence deals me this lesser malady today. Providence deals maladies to us all, equal under God. And Providence shall see the maladies dealt us righted. For Providence shall see us fight for our homes! Providence shall see us fight for liberty! Providence shall bring us to back to Bunker Hill, where Providence shall see us consecrate our land with blood and sweat, and Providence shall see the Old Woman Himself in irons!

Attend me, ye Chosen Sons of this Providential Continent, and be counted evermore!

A BATTLE WORTHY OF MAKING THAT SPEECH UP WERE ABOUT TO BEGIN.

(BUT NOT UNTIL NEXT UPDATE BECAUSE ME HATE YOU ALL.)

(NEXT UPDATE: CHAPTER 2)

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One thought on “HOW SHREWSBURY WON THE REVOLUTION… LET’S NOT PLAY LIBERTY OR DEATH!!!!!!!!!! (CHAPTER 1)

  1. bizarrolukes says:

    IF ANYONE NEEDS MORE (OR LESS) INFORMATION, WE SHALL BE MORE LAX WITH OUR IRON-FISTED COMMENT MODERATION THAN USUAL. UNLIKE OUR USUAL COURTESY MEETINGS, WE ENCOURAGE YOUR INPUT.

    REJOICE, FOR ALL YOUR ANSWERS SHALL BE QUESTIONED!!!!!

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