HOW SHREWSBURY WON THE REVOLUTION… LET’S NOT PLAY LIBERTY OR DEATH!!!!!!!!!! (CHAPTER 4)

IV

WHEREIN A NEW NATION ASSERTS ITS INDEPENDENCE AND DELIVERS A HOT TAKE INVOLVING A JUNIOR SMOKESHOW

PREVIOUSLY…

OCTOBER 1, 1775

A DEVASTATING BLOW WERE DEALT TO GENERAL ARTEMAS WARD‘S ARMY. WITH ONLY HALF THE BUDGET WARD REQUESTED FROM THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS, ONE OFFICER TENDERED HIS RESIGNATION IMMEDIATELY. MEANWHILE, GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON’S TROOPS BROKE INTO A RIOT WHILE ON PATROL NEAR FORT BERLIN. WASHINGTON HAD LOST CONTROL OF HIS MEN DESPITE A STIRRING SPEECH. BUT WORD OF AN URGENT DISPATCH FROM PHILADELPHIA CALMED THE SCRUM.

AFTER TWO PETITIONS WERE SENT TO KING GEORGE III AND IGNORED, THE PROCLAMATION OF REBELLION DECLARING THE COLONIES IN “OPEN AND AVOWED REBELLION” BECAME THE CROWN’S OFFICIAL POSITION. INSPIRED BY THE LEGEND OF THE CHOLERIC EVERYMAN WHO OUTSMARTED FOUR OF ENGLAND’S GREATEST GENERALS, THE COLONISTS RESPONDED IN FORCE.

NEWS OF HESSIANS EMPLOYED TO SLAUGHTER THE COLONISTS DOMINATED THE SECOND CONTINENTAL CONGRESS. THE ENSUING DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WOULD BE SIGNED ON SEPTEMBER 26TH AND RECEIVED BY WARD ON OCTOBER 1ST WITH ORDERS TO READ IT “AT THE HEAD OF THE ARMY IN THE WAY YOU SHALL THINK IT MOST PROPER.”

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READINGS WOULD TAKE PLACE ACROSS THE COLONIES, FROM NORTHERN FLORIDA TO THE OLD SOUTH CHURCH IN WORCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS. BUT NONE WOULD BE LIKE WARD’S.

ARTEMAS WARD STEPPED OUT OF HIS TENT ON THE AFTERNOON OF OCTOBER 1ST, THE ORDERS GIVEN FOR ALL TROOPS IN THE BERLIN AREA TO ASSEMBLE. THE WHITE MOUNTAINS LOOMED IN THE DISTANCE. WASHINGTON’S REGIMENT QUICKLY FELL IN ALONGSIDE THE OTHER 1700 MEN. THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF STEPPED OUT OF HIS TENT AND READ THE DISPATCH.

A_WARD_LOD… And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

 

WARD DISMISSED HIS MEN WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD AND RETURNED TO HIS TENT. THE NEWS WERE GREETED WITH AN ERUPTION OF HUZZAHS.

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THE FIRST TEST OF THE NEW COUNTRY’S ARMY WOULD TAKE PLACE IN ITS NEW CAPITAL OF PHILADELPHIA, AND AGAINST THREE OF THE DIVISIONS THAT TOOK BALTIMORE.

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WITH CAPTAIN KNOWLTON COMMANDING ONLY A MODEST GARRISON RECENTLY ARRIVED FROM NORTHERN PENNSYLVANIA, HE QUICKLY SENT WORD FOR REINFORCEMENTS FROM CAPTAIN HALE.

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WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE AWESOMELY NAMED HELMUT WOLF, THE BATTLE WOULD BE AN UNREMARKABLE VICTORY.

OCTOBER 16, 1775

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OCTOBER WOULD SEE MORE PARTISAN FIGHTING IN VIRGINIA AND MORE HESSIAN MASSACRES.

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IT WOULD ALSO SEE THE MOST SHOCKING BETRAYAL OF THE WAR.

TENSIONS BETWEEN HORATIO GATES AND GENERAL WARD CAME NEARLY TO BLOWS DURING THE GRUELING WHITE MOUNTAINS TRAINING. THE DETAILS OF THE BRIBE SENT BY GENERAL CHARLES CORNWALLIS, COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF #3, HAVE BEEN LOST TO TIME. BUT HUMORISTS HAVE GUESSED AT WHAT TURNED “GRANNY GATES” EVER SINCE.

GENERAL HENRY CLINTON ALSO ESCAPED HIS CAPTORS IN THE MIDST OF A GALA IN BOSTON. WARD IMMEDIATELY REVOKED THE PAROLE OF HIS REMAINING CAPTIVES AND ORDERED THEM SENT IN IRONS TO THE WHITE MOUNTAINS.

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DESPITE THIS SETBACK, WARD TOOK TROIS-RIVIÈRES WITH LITTLE DIFFICULTY.

NOVEMBER 1, 1775

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THE INSULT OF GENERAL CLINTON SLIPPING HIS BONDS INSPIRED SARAH TROWBRIDGE WARD TO ORGANIZE A DONATION DRIVE TO — ONCE AND FOR ALL — ENSURE THE SOLDIERS OF BOSTON WOULD BE WORTHY OF ADMIRATION. THANKS TO THE WOMEN OF BOSTON, THE GARRISON WOULD BE THE ENVY OF THE ARMY, INCLUDING EVEN GENERAL WARD’S OWN REGIMENT.

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LOUIS DUPORTAIL, WHO HAD COME TO WARD’S AID AS THE RESULT OF TALKS BETWEEN BENJAMIN FRANKLIN AND THE COURT OF FRANCE, WOULD FIND HIMSELF TURNING DOWN A SIMILAR BRIBE TO SABOTAGE THE WHITE MOUNTAINS FORTIFICATIONS. HE RECEIVED A FURLOUGH AND A MODEST SINECURE TO KEEP HIM OUT OF TROUBLE.

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MEANWHILE, GENERAL WASHINGTON WOULD INVADE WATERVILLE AND STORM FORT HALIFAX, COMMANDED BY THE RECENTLY BOUGHT GENERAL GATES. AFTER A DEVASTATING SHELLING AND ENSUING ROUT, GATES WOULD BE RANSOMED OFF WITH INTERPRETER SAINT-LUC DE LA CORNE (WHO FOR SOME BIZARRO REASON HAD BEEN GRANTED A REGIMENT) AS WELL AS BOSTON VETERAN JAMES FITZWALTER.

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WARD HIMSELF WOULD MARCH TO MONTREAL AND CAPTURE THE CITY FROM “GENTLEMAN” JOHNNY BURGOYNE WITH MINIMAL LOSSES.

NOVEMBER 16, 1775

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COLONEL WILLIAM ALEXANDER WOULD BE LESS FORTUNATE. WITH ONLY AN ILL-EQUIPPED BENEDICT ARNOLD AS BACKUP, HE LOST MONTREAL. LIKEWISE, THE SOUTHERN COLONIES SAW THEIR FIRST SIGNIFICANT LOSSES OF THE WAR AGAINST GENERAL GEORGE GARTH.

DECEMBER 1, 1775

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THE NORTHERN CAMPAIGN REACHED ITS ANTICLIMAX. THE GREEN MOUNTAIN BOYS WOULD FACE ONE FINAL CONFRONTATION AGAINST GENERAL CORNWALLIS AND WIN HANDILY.

HOPELESSLY OUTNUMBERED, CORNWALLIS JOINED HOWE, CARLTON AND GAGE IN THE WHITE MOUNTAIN PRISON LED BY COLONEL JOHN THOMAS. BUT CORNWALLIS REFUSED TO SURRENDER DIRECTLY TO ARTEMAS WARD. INSTEAD, CORNWALLIS SENT HIS SECOND TO DELIVER THE TERMS OF SURRENDER TO WARD’S SECOND: GEORGE WASHINGTON.

CHARLES "CORNHOLIO" CORNWALLIS

… OR SO EVERYONE THOUGHT. “GENERALISSIMO CORNHOLIO” PROVIDED A MUCH-NEEDED LAUGH. OH, THAT SCAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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LATER THAT MONTH, WARD MARCHED ON MONTREAL. ALTHOUGH GENERAL PUTNAM WOULD BE UNABLE TO REACH WARD, ACTING CAPTAIN JOSHUA “JACK” HUDDY (BY WAY OF NORWICH, CAPTURED EARLIER THAT MONTH) FORDED ACROSS TO MEET THE TROOPS OF COLONEL GUY JOHNSON.

JOHNSON, WE RECALL, LED A CONTINGENT OF GUERRILLAS WHO HAPPENED TO COME FROM THE IROQUOIS NATION. WHILE ENTRENCHED NORTH OF THE FORT, WARD NOTED PLUMES OF SMOKE FROM THE HILLS. A SCOUT REPORTED THESE WERE FROM YOUNG IROQUOIS MEN WHO WOULD SIGNAL TO THE BRITISH WHERE CONTINENTAL TROOPS WOULD BE WEAKEST BY MEANS OF MANIPULATING BONFIRES. WARD QUICKLY SEIZED ONE OF THESE BONFIRES AND CONVINCED A YOUNG MAN TO SIGNAL FOR AN ATTACK ON HUDDY’S FORCES WHILE HE APPROACHED. THE CASUALTIES WERE MINIMAL.

AND THAT AM HOW ARTEMAS WARD HAD A HOT TAKE WITH A JUNIOR SMOKESHOW.

… HOLD THE TELEGRAPH. DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE SOMETHING ELSE??

….

…..

YOU CAN’T NOT BE SERIOUS.

WE TOLERATE THE TERM “SMOKESHOW” DESPITE IT SOUNDING LIKE WHAT GUY FIERI WOULD ASK FOR WHEN LOOKING FOR ACTION BETWEEN DINERS, DRIVE-INS AND DIVES.

HAVING NOT SAID THAT…

WHO THE FRESOLO SAYS “JUNIOR SMOKESHOW” WITHOUT GETTING THE URGE TO THROW UP?????

A FRIEND OF MINE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW TOO!!!!!!!

Chris_hansen[1]

ANYWAY, WHERE WERE ME NOT???? OH, OFF COURSE.

JANUARY 1, 1776

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AFTER SIX MONTHS OF FIGHTING, THE BRITISH HAD BEEN DRIVEN OUT OF ALL BUT THE WESTERN REACHES OF NEW YORK. THREE BRITISH COMMANDERS-IN-CHIEF HAD BEEN SOUNDLY DEFEATED.

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A MORE POWERFUL CONTINENTAL CONGRESS PROVIDED A BALANCED BUDGET WHICH AT LEAST PREVENTED ANY MORE ANGER IN THE OFFICER CORPS. COLONEL WASHINGTON DID SEE SCORES OF MEN DESERT AFTER THEY COULD NOT BE CONVINCED TO STAY, BUT THIS WOULD BE THE WORST OF IT.

WHAT WOULD A NEW YEAR BRING?? WOULD GENERAL CLINTON BE A THREAT??? WOULD WE GET MORE HESSIAN COMMANDERS WITH COOL NAMES????? WOULD ANYONE NOTICE THE PORTRAITS WITH THE SAME FACES BUT DIFFERENT HAIR?!?!?!?!?

AS ALWAYS, YOU SHALL WAIT FOR THE NEXT COURTESY UPDATE, CITIZEN.

 

(NEXT UPDATE: CHAPTER 5)

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One thought on “HOW SHREWSBURY WON THE REVOLUTION… LET’S NOT PLAY LIBERTY OR DEATH!!!!!!!!!! (CHAPTER 4)

  1. WENT A LITTLE NOT LONG WITH THIS UPDATE, BUT AS A RESULT WE GET NOT ONE BUT *TWO* GOOFY TANGENTS!!!!!!!!!!

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