HOW SHREWSBURY WON THE REVOLUTION… LET’S NOT PLAY LIBERTY OR DEATH!!!!!!!!!! (CHAPTER 5)

V

WHEREIN THE CENTRAL CAMPAIGN BEGINS AND COMMON SENSE NATURALLY LEADS TO MORE AWFUL JOKES

PREVIOUSLY…

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JANUARY 1, 1776

 

IT HAVE BEEN SIX MONTHS SINCE THE SIEGE OF BOSTON. THE AMERICAN NAVY BEGAN ITS BLOCKADE OF THE CHESAPEAKE BAY WITH FRENCH-MADE SHIPS. BRITISH SHIPS WOULD BE FORCED TO SAIL AROUND TO GEORGIA TO RESUPPLY THE COLONIES. ONE WOULD THINK THIS WOULD BE THE PART WHERE THE ALTERNATE-UNIVERSE AMERICAN REVOLUTION WOULD FALL APART…

…AND ONE WOULD BE COMPLETELY WRONG, OF COURSE.

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AN ANONYMOUS PAMPHLETEER WHO WENT BY THE NAME OF “NOT GEORGE WILLIAM FREDERICK” (IT COULD HAVE BEEN SOME OTHER PSEUDONYM, WE FORGET) PUBLISHED A SCATHING REBUKE OF ROYAL RULE. WITHIN DAYS, EVERY REBEL IN THE COLONIES HAD A COPY.

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WE AM NOT SURE HOW PAINE MANAGED SUCH A FEAT WITHOUT THROWING IN 30 WORTHLESS FACEBOOK QUOTES OR ADS FOR PEOPLE AND PLACES ONLY JERKS WOULD DO BUSINESS WITH…

…ALLEGEDLY, MR. SALERNO. PUT YOUR FORM LETTER DOWN, YOU BETTER CALL SAUL WANNABE.

BUT WHATEVER. FROM HIS CAMP IN MONTREAL, WITH CANADIAN DELEGATE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN AS HIS HONORED GUEST, ARTEMAS WARD READ PAINE’S PAMPHLET TO HIS MEN…

A_WARD_LOD… But where says some is the King of America? I’ll tell you Friend, he reigns above, and doth not make havoc of mankind like the Royal Brute of Britain. Yet that we may not appear to be defective even in earthly honors, let a day be solemnly set apart for proclaiming the charter; let it be brought forth placed on the divine law, the word of God; let a crown be placed thereon, by which the world may know, that so far as we approve as monarchy, that in America THE LAW IS KING.

THE CHEERS IN MONTREAL WOULD BE ECHOED ACROSS THE COLONIES…

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…AND IN BALTIMORE IN PARTICULAR, WHERE COLONEL FRIEDRICH BAUM LOST THE BATTLE OF BALTIMORE.

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MORGAN HEROICALLY HELD PHILADELPHIA AGAINST HESSIAN FORCES WITH THE HELP OF THE NEW AMERICAN FLEET BEFORE HIS RESCUE BY REINFORCEMENTS.

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A SUCCESSFUL DEFENSE WOULD ALSO BE MOUNTED IN CAMDEN…

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…BUT WOULD NOT SURVIVE THE SECOND ATTACK AGAINST GENERAL FERMOY’S CHARGE LATER THAT MONTH.

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NOR WOULD NORTHERN PENNSYLVANIA’S WYOMING COUNTY SURVIVE AGAINST GENERAL CLINTON AND THE GUERRILLAS OF JOHN BUTLER.

 

FEBRUARY 1, 1776

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A SECOND ASSAULT ON PHILADELPHIA LATER IN THE YEAR WOULD FAIL AGAIN AS GENERAL SCHUYLER’S FORCES WOULD SUCCESSFULLY DEFEND THE CITY, AGAIN WITH NAVAL SUPPORT.

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BUT GATES, WITH OVERWHELMING FORCE, EASILY OVERPOWERED THE VENANGO GARRISON.

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AND SO IT WENT. THE BRITISH GAINED GROUND IN THE SOUTH, TO MAKE UP THE LOSSES IN THE NORTH. VENANGO COUNTY WOULD CHANGE HANDS TWICE MORE BEFORE THE WINTER ENDED.

 

APRIL 1, 1776

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THE FAILURES IN THE SOUTH PUT THE WHOLE WAR INTO QUESTION. SPEARHEADED BY SAMUEL CHASE OF MARYLAND (WITH COAXING FROM BRITISH BRIBES), THE VOTE WOULD DECIDE THE FATE OF THE NATION…

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… BUT WARD WOULD SURVIVE BY ONE VOTE. THE FATE OF A NATION REMAINED IN HIS HANDS.

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WARD WANTED A STRONGER FOOTHOLD IN THE SOUTHERN COLONIES, BUT SECRETARY OF WAR JOHN ADAMS INSTEAD OFFERED AID IN THE CENTRAL COLONIES AT NEW JERSEY AND DELAWARE.

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EVEN THE FORT BERLIN PROVOSTS FACED DESERTIONS.

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THE LIBERATION OF WYOMING COUNTY, LED BY WARD HIMSELF, PROVIDED A MUCH-NEEDED MORALE BOOST.

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AFTER A FEINT BY CONTINENTAL CAVALRY, KNOX’S CANNONS ONCE AGAIN TURNED THE TIDE OF BATTLE. ONE BY ONE, GENERAL CLINTON’S TROOPS FELL.

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AFTER A PUNISHING BARRAGE, CLINTON’S FORCES RETREATED INTO SOUTHERN PENNSYLVANIA.

 

MAY 1, 1776

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GENERAL HOWE MADE A DARING ESCAPE FROM FORT BERLIN. THE PRISON HAD BEEN WELL-SCOUTED BY LOYALISTS WHO USED AN AUBURN HEIFER TO DISTRACT THE GUARDS. QUICKLY SEEING HIS MOMENT, HOWE FOUND A WAY TO SLIP OUT OF THE FORTRESS WITH A SYMPATHETIC MILITIAMAN BY MEANS OF PANTOMIME COW OUTFIT MADE FROM TANNED HIDES.

SCHOOLCHILDREN EVERYWHERE WOULD FOREVERMORE REMEMBER HOWE, NOW BROWN COW.

(WE BIZARRO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT ONE.)

 

MAY 16, 1776

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THE NEW COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF THE AMERICAN CAMPAIGN, WILHELM VON KNYPHAUSEN, ATTEMPTED TO ANNIHILATE THE FORCES AT MONMOUTH.

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ALTHOUGH VON KNYPHAUSEN BROUGHT 2000 REDCOATS, THE POORLY-ARMED TROOPS WERE REPELLED BY AMERICAN GUNS.

 

JUNE 1, 1776

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THE AMERICAN NAVY REPORTED ITS FIRST VICTORY AT SEA. A CLERICAL ERROR RESULTED IN A SUPPLY CONVOY REACHING MONMOUTH FIVE DAYS AFTER HE DECAMPED. AMERICAN SHIPS TOOK ADVANTAGE.

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MEANWHILE, DU PORTAIL FLED TO TRENTON. THE LOSS WOULD REPORTEDLY BE ACKNOWLEDGED WITH LITTLE MORE THAN A HARRUMPH.

 

JULY 1, 1776

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THE WAR IN AMERICA ENTERED ITS SECOND YEAR WITH DISASTER.

GENERAL WASHINGTON FACED CAMP FEVER AT HIS TROIS-RIVIÈRES POST, AS DID THE MONMOUTH CAMP. BUT WARD, WHO HAD BEEN WELL AWARE OF THREATS LIKE SMALLPOX, HAD BEEN WELL-PREPARED. OPERATIONS AT MONMOUTH GOT BACK UP TO SPEED QUICKLY, THOUGH WASHINGTON SPENT THE NEXT MONTH QUARANTINED.

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LATER THAT MONTH, GENERAL DE KALB TOOK BALTIMORE WITH THE HELP OF THE NEW AMERICAN NAVY. DU PORTAIL PROVED A REMARKABLY INCOMPETENT COMMANDER, LOSING PRECIOUS FOOD AND AMMUNITION, AND EVEN MOUNTED A DISASTROUS A CHARGE AGAINST A FULLY-OUTFITTED AMERICAN INFANTRY CORPS.

 

AUGUST 1, 1776

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WARD MADE HIS MOVE AGAINST THE REMAINING FORCES ALONG THE SUSQUEHANNA RIVER.

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ONCE AGAIN, DU PORTAIL LED THE FIELD. HOPELESSLY OUTNUMBERED BY WARD AND FACING A HAIL OF CANNON FIRE FROM KOSCIUSZKO, HIS FORCES PROVIDED A SURPRISINGLY SPIRITED DEFENSE…

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… WHICH WOULD NOT LAST LONG.

 

SEPTEMBER 1, 1776

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GENERAL HOWE RETURNED TO ACTION AT TRENTON AGAINST THE OLD WAGONER HIMSELF, DANIEL MORGAN. WITH ENFILADE FIRE FROM HENRY KNOX AND NEW ARRIVAL MARINUS WILLETT, THE BRITISH TROOPS BARELY ESCAPED WITH ANYTHING RESEMBLING AN ARMY.

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THE RETREAT TO NEWCASTLE MET WITH SIMILAR RESULTS AGAINST KOSCIUSZKO.

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MEANWHILE IN THE NORTH, SAINT LUC TOOK ADVANTAGE OF TROOP MOVEMENTS IN THE NORTH AND SEIZED QUEBEC. ALTHOUGH THIS WOULD RESULT IN AN EMBARRASSING DEFEAT FOR HUDDY, IT WOULD BE OF LITTLE CONSEQUENCE TO WARD, WHO CONTINUED MARCHING SOUTHWARD.

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KOSCIUSZKO LANDED AT HEAD OF ELK TO FINISH OFF VON KNYPHAUSEN’S FORCES.

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THE ONLY DIVISION OF CONSEQUENCE WERE THE LOYAL AMERICAN REGIMENT LED BY BEVERLY ROBINSON.

WITH NOWHERE TO GO, THE BRITISH FOUGHT A BLOODY, BUT MERCIFULLY SHORT BATTLE. VON KNYPHAUSEN AND HOWE SURRENDERED TO WARD.

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THE BATTLE OF PITTSBURGH WERE EVEN SHORTER.

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GENERAL CLINTON, THE NEW COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, COMMANDED A MINIMAL GARRISON AT FORT PITT WHILE GRANNY REDCOAT HIMSELF, HORATIO GATES, KEPT FORCES IN RESERVE TO THE EAST.

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A BRIEF CAVALRY CHARGE WOULD BE FOLLOWED BY A NIGHT RAID ON FORT PITT LED BY WARD HIMSELF. ONE SOLDIER DIED FROM FALLING DOWN A HILL, BUT UPON REACHING THE GARRISON, THE 7 REMAINING SOLDIERS QUICKLY LAID DOWN THEIR ARMS.

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HENRY CLINTON SURRENDERED ONCE AGAIN, MARKING THE FOURTH BRITISH COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF CAPTIVE AT FORT BERLIN. THIS TIME, GATES WOULD GO WITH HIM.

 

OCTOBER 1, 1776

ARTEMAS WARD FOUND HIMSELF THE MOST POPULAR MAN IN AMERICA.

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FINANCIERS ACROSS THE NEW COUNTRY POURED MONEY INTO WARD’S CAMPAIGN.

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THE AMERICAN NAVY ASSERTED ITS DOMINANCE OVER THE AMERICAN COASTLINE.

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THE BRITISH, FEARING NAVAL ATTACKS, RETREATED FROM THE WESTERN END OF GEORGIA.

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SUPPORT FOR THE WAR IN BRITAIN REACHED A NEW LOW. ARGUMENTS ERUPTED IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS OVER WHETHER OR NOT TO JUST GIVE MONEY TO THE AMERICANS INSTEAD OF FUNDING THE ARMY.

BUT GEORGE III STOOD FIRM. THE REVOLUTION WOULD BE STOPPED, HE PROCLAIMED, AND THE CROWN WOULD MAINTAIN RULE OF LAW AS IT HAD FOR CENTURIES.

AND THEN CAME THE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM ARTEMAS WARD AT HIS HEADQUARTERS IN PITTSBURGH:

A_WARD_LODAs I admire this Blessed Legacy of William Pitt, my thoughts turn to my Brothers in America. My Brothers have suffered under Hessian massacres, ailments of all kinds, and abandoning their homes and families for a cause they know not whence it shall lead. My Brothers have fallen to guns fired by their Brothers, Fathers and Sons. My Brothers have marched up to Canada and down to Florida. My Brothers have sailed from coast to coast. My Brothers have fought like men of Honor.

To my Brothers, I say this. A New Year dawns. A New Year brings Brotherly Love. A New Year brings an end to the fighting. A New Year brings all that you have fought and died for. A New Year brings peace from the frozen North to the balmy South. A New Year brings Prosperity, Happiness, and Freedom.

And I know this to be a fact ere long. ‘Tis a fact, for I know that with the New Year shall come a new AMERICA. Thence shall be the measure of Prosperity, Happiness, and Freedom. And thence shall we restore the Blessed Legacy of Brotherly Love to AMERICA for all time!

WOULD ARTEMAS WARD KEEP HIS WORD??????

 

WOULD 1777 MARK THE END OF THE REVOLUTION?????????????

 

WOULD WE NEED TO COME UP WITH MORE QUESTIONS FOR THE NEXT UPDATE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

 

(NEXT UPDATE: CHAPTER 6)

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