HOW SHREWSBURY WON THE REVOLUTION… LET’S NOT PLAY LIBERTY OR DEATH!!!!!!!!!! (CHAPTER 6)

VI

WHEREIN WARD LIBERATES THE SOUTH AND WE SAVE-SCUM REPEATEDLY VICTORY ABOUNDS LEFT AND RIGHT

PREVIOUSLY…

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OCTOBER 1, 1776

 

ARTEMAS WARD SCORED YET ANOTHER VICTORY AGAINST THE BRITISH, AND THE AMERICAN ARMY STOOD TALL.

(BIZARRO NOTE: WE’RE GOING TO JUST SKIM OVER THE BATTLES FROM THIS POINT ON UNLESS PARTICULARLY INTERESTING.)

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HEZEKIAH MAHAM AND A DETAIL OF ENGINEERS HARASSED THE BRITISH FROM NINETY-SIX AND ATLANTA.

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UNFORTUNATELY, THIS WOULD NOT LAST FOR LONG. MAHAM SURRENDERED IN ATLANTA. WORSE, THE WEAK GARRISONS AT NORFOLK AND RICHMOND FELL IN SHORT ORDER TO THE BRITISH.

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LACHLAN MCINTOSH RETOOK RICHMOND AND CAPTURED PIGOT, WHO WERE RANSOMED OFF FOR DESPERATELY-NEEDED FUNDS.

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FROM HIS CAMP AT BALTIMORE, WARD ORDERED ATTACKS ON NORTHERN VIRGINIA. THE CAMP OF GENERAL JOSEPH MCNEIL (WHO WE COULDN’T FIND A REFERENCE FOR) AT ALEXANDRIA FELL FIRST TO KNOX, FOLLOWED BY THE HESSIAN CAMP IN WINCHESTER COUNTY. ALL THE OFFICERS WERE GRANTED PAROLE AFTER A RANSOM AGREEMENT. ALTHOUGH IT SEEMED DOUBTFUL WARD WOULD CARRY OUT HIS PROMISE OF A NEW COUNTRY BY THE NEW YEAR, HE NONETHELESS WANTED TO DEAL WITH AS FEW PRISONERS AS POSSIBLE GOING SOUTHWARD.

 

DECEMBER 1, 1776

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SOUTH CAROLINA WOULD BE LOST, BUT THE PRICE FOR THE BRITISH WERE VIRGINIA. KNOX TOOK NORFOLK, WHILE GEORGE WEEDON CAPTURED WESTERN VIRGINIA FROM THE TURNCOAT LOUIS DU PORTAIL. KNOX, IN A MERCURIAL MASTERSTROKE, RECORDED THE COMMANDING OFFICER’S NAME AT NORFOLK AS TURD FERGUSON. THIS PROVE NOT NOT ONLY THAT INSULTS WENT BOTH WAYS IN THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR, BUT BIZARRO WORCESTER AM NOT ABOVE STEALING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE REFERENCES FROM THAT SHORT WINDOW ABOUT 10-15 YEARS AGO BEFORE SNL REALLY STARTED TO BLOW.

NO, EVEN IN BIZARRO WORLD THE CALIFORNIANS AM NOT FUNNY.

 

JANUARY 1, 1777

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UNFORTUNATELY FOR WARD, THE NEW YEAR WOULD NOT BRING THE COUNTRY WARD EXPECTED. THANKFULLY, WITH HIS GENERALS PAID AND HIS TROOPS IN REASONABLE SHAPE, THERE WERE NO OTHER SNAGS IN HIS PLANS. MEANWHILE, THE NEW BRITISH COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, GENERAL AUGUSTINE PRÉVOST, ATTEMPTED TO PUSH JOHN PETER GABRIEL MUHLENBERG‘S FORCES BACK TO VIRGINIA.

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NOT ONLY DID HE FAIL, HE BECAME YET ANOTHER CAPTIVE OF ARTEMAS WARD, ALONG WITH THE DREADED LEOPOLD VON HEISTER. MEANWHILE, ETHAN ALLEN ALSO TOOK QUEBEC IN A SURPRISE ATTACK AND CAPTURED SAINT DE LUC PEACEFULLY. A SECOND ATTEMPT LED BY COLONEL FITZWALTER ENDED AFTER A BOTCHED RETREAT RESULTED IN HIS CAPTURE. A THIRD ATTACK ON GUILFORD ENDED IN THE CAPTURE OF BRITISH COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF CHARLES GREY, AND A FOURTH ATTACK ENDED BEFORE A SINGLE SHOT WERE FIRED.

 

MARCH 1, 1777

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NEW BERN FELL TO AMERICAN ARTILLERY, WHILE WASHINGTON SLOWLY BUT SURELY MARCHED SOUTH TO RENDEZVOUS WITH ARTEMAS WARD. MEANWHILE, YET ANOTHER ATTACK ON GUILFORD LED BY THE NEXT BRITISH COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, GENERAL ROBERT PIGOT (WHO FOUGHT AT THE LIBERATION OF BUNKER HILL). YET AGAIN, HE BECAME A CAPTIVE OF WARD. WARD’S VICTORIES CONTINUED AT WILMINGTON, ONCE AGAIN THANKS TO THE ARTILLERY TEAMS OF KNOX, KOSCIUSZKO AND MARINUS WILLETT.

 

APRIL 16, 1777

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THE NEW COMMANDER OF THE BRITISH FORCES, “GENTLEMAN” JOHN BURGOYNE, NOT SEEN SINCE THE CANADIAN CAMPAIGN, MANAGES TO DO WHAT THREE BRITISH GENERALS FAILED TO DO BEFORE HIM.

NAH, JUST KIDDING. HE GETS CAUGHT IN GUILFORD TOO. WARD THEN MARCHES ON CHARLOTTE AND PULVERIZES THE BRITISH TROOPS.

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ONLY SOUTH CAROLINA, GEORGIA AND ENGLISH FLORIDA REMAINED IN BRITISH HANDS. WARD STORMED THE STAR FORT AT NINETY-SIX, PUSHING BURGOYNE BACK STILL FURTHER.

 

JUNE 1, 1777

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ENGLAND DECLARED WAR ON THE DUTCH, CITING THEIR AID OF THE AMERICAN REBELS AS A CASUS BELLI. CONTINENTAL CONGRESS PRESIDENT JOHN HANCOCK IMMEDIATELY CONDEMNED THE ACTION AND SENT CANADIAN DELEGATE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN ON A DIPLOMATIC MISSION TO EUROPE. MEANWHILE, GENERAL GREENE CAPTURED GEORGETOWN, WILLIAM WASHINGTON TOOK ATLANTA, AND WARD PUSHED BURGOYNE FURTHER BACK AT CAMDEN.

JULY 1, 1777

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IN WHAT COULD ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS AN ACT OF HEAT STROKE, THOMAS SUMPTER DEFECTED TO THE BRITISH. TWO ATTACKS AT ATLANTA WERE REPELLED, THE SECOND OF WHICH RESULTED IN THE CAPTURE OF GENERAL BURGOYNE. A THIRD ATTACK SUCCEEDED WHEN WILLIAM WASHINGTON WERE CAPTURED.

 

AUGUST 16, 1777

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DISASTER STRIKES. PHILIP SCHUYLER DEFECTS. UNLIKE THE TURNCOAT GATES, SCHUYLER NEVER SEEMED LIKE THE TYPE TO OUTRIGHT ABANDON THE CAUSE OF LIBERTY, BUT HE REPORTEDLY FOUND WARD’S STYLE GRATING. FOR HIS PART, WARD LAMENTED THAT SCHUYLER SHOULD HAVE STAYED THE COURSE AS BENEDICT ARNOLD DID.

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BUT DAYS LATER, WARD GOT A WELCOME SURPRISE.

KING LOUIS XVI AGREED TO SEND AIDES COVERTLY TO THE AMERICANS AFTER THE LIBERATION OF BOSTON. MONTHS LATER, THE KING ACCEPTED BENJAMIN FRANKLIN’S OFFER TO SIGN A TREATY OF ALLIANCE WITH AMERICA AND FORMALLY RECOGNIZE THE NATION ON AUGUST 20, 1777. ALTHOUGH HE HAD BEEN IMPRESSED BY AMERICAN RESOLVE AT THE BATTLE OF TRENTON AS WELL AS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN’S LEGENDARY DIPLOMATIC EFFORTS, THE TURNING POINT HAD BEEN BRITAIN’S ATTACK ON THE DUTCH.

UPON HEARING THE NEWS, WARD WERE REPORTED TO BE PUBLICLY ENTHUSIASTIC IN SPREADING THE WORD OF REINFORCEMENTS, BUT ALSO SECRETLY HOPING THE AMERICAN ARMY COULD STAND ALONE AGAINST BRITAIN. REGIMENT AFTER REGIMENT ASSAULTED THE SOUTH CAROLINA TROOPS AND ALTHOUGH THEIR NUMBERS DWINDLED, THEY HELD OUT EVEN AGAINST THE DEADLY BRITISH SHIPS OF THE LINE.

 

OCTOBER 1, 1777

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THE FRENCH WERE UNABLE TO FIELD ANY MILITARY AID, BUT THE INCOMPETENCE OF HESSIAN GENERALS PROVED TO BE ALL THE HELP WARD NEEDED. ATLANTA FELL TO GENERAL PULASKI AND WITH BRITISH FORCES RAPIDLY DEPLETING, ARTEMAS WARD PRESSED THE ATTACK. THE NEW COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, GENERAL ALLEN MACLEAN, CEDED AUGUSTA AFTER THE USUAL AMERICAN CANNON BARRAGE. AUGUSTA AND COLUMBUS FOLLOWED SUIT.

 

DECEMBER 1, 1777

WARD GOT THE NEWS HE HAD BEEN WAITING FOR. THE FRENCH HAD FINALLY LANDED…

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… AT QUEBEC.

WARD WERE ELATED AT THE NEWS, AS THE MISCOMMUNICATION AS TO WHERE TO DEPLOY FRENCH FORCES WOULD ALLOW HIM TO USE THE DELAY AS A MEANS OF RALLYING HIS FORCES TO FINISH THE WAR BEFORE ANOTHER FOREIGN POWER FINISHED IT FOR THEM.

 

MEANWHILE, WARD TOOK SAVANNAH, LEAVING ONLY THE OUTSKIRTS OF FLORIDA AND EASTERN LOUISIANA IN BRITISH HANDS. COLONEL WAYNE QUICKLY FOLLOWED SUIT, SEIZING APALACHEE TERRITORY AND DIVIDING THE LAST OF THE BRITISH FORCES.

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WASHINGTON MADE HIS LEGENDARY CROSSING OF THE MATANZAS TO CAPTURE ST. AUGUSTINE AND ACCEPT THE SURRENDER OF GENERAL MACLEAN.

NO IDEA WHO THE DUDE WITH THE SCARF AM, BUT MAN CAN HE ROW!!!!

 

DECEMBER 16, 1777

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FOLLOWING FRANCE’S LEAD, SPAIN DECLARED WAR ON BRITAIN AND OFFERED THEIR MILITARY SUPPORT. BUT IT SEEMED DOUBTFUL EVEN THEY WOULD REACH THE FIGHTING IN NORTHERN FLORIDA IN TIME. WARD DID GET A SCARE AS BRITISH FORCES CAPTURED APALACHEE. BUT IT WOULD COST THEM DEARLY.

WARD’S VISION OF AN AMERICA AT PEACE WOULD NOT COME IN 1777, ALTHOUGH THE WRITING WERE ON THE WALL. AMERICA’S INDEPENDENCE WERE GUARANTEED BY THREE WORLD POWERS AND THE BRITISH ARMY AT THIS POINT CONSISTED OF LITTLE MORE THAN HESSIAN MERCENARIES, ROYAL CAST-OFFS AND TURNCOAT PATSIES.

 

JANUARY 1, 1778

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WITH WORD OF SPANISH TROOPS ABOUT TO MARCH FROM SOUTHERN FLORIDA, COMMANDER FRIEDRICH BAUM (FAMOUS FOR LOSING BALTIMORE) SENT GENERAL SCHUYLER TO THROW EVERYTHING THEY HAD AT WARD’S COLUMBUS CAMP IN AN ATTEMPT TO STOP THE AMERICANS.

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WHAT STARTED AS A POTENTIAL UPSET TURNED INTO A ROUT. WITH NO ANSWER TO WARD’S CANNON, THE TURNCOAT FOUND HIMSELF AT HIS FORMER COMMANDING OFFICER’S MERCY. LUCKILY FOR SCHUYLER, WARD TOOK PITY ON HIS FORMER COMRADE FROM THE SIEGE OF BOSTON AND PAROLED HIM AFTER THE CUSTOMARY RANSOM. GREENE SWEPT INTO MOBILE, LEAVING THE FINAL BATTLE OF THE WAR TO GEORGE WASHINGTON.

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THE THIRD AND FINAL BATTLE OF APALACHEE WERE A MISMATCH IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. ONLY THE TROOPS OF CHRISTIAN BREYMANN (WHO WE ALSO COULDN’T FIND A REFERENCE FOR) WERE IN ANYTHING CLOSE TO FIGHTING FORM. GENERAL BAUM BRAVELY RESISTED, BUT ONCE BREYMANN’S FORCES FELL AND THE AMERICAN FRIGATES DROVE BAUM OUT OF HIS FORTIFICATIONS, HIS OPTIONS RAN OUT.

FRIEDRICH BAUM SURRENDERED ON JANUARY 3, 1778.

THE WAR WERE OVER.

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FROM CANADA TO FLORIDA, THE NEW NATION STOOD UNITED IN TRIUMPH.

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FOR 30 MONTHS, AMERICANS FOUGHT, CONQUERED AND DIED IN THE NAME OF ARTEMAS WARD. HE BESTED THE GREATEST MILITARY MINDS OF HIS AGE AND HELPED FORGE A NEW NATION IN THE PROCESS. ALTHOUGH DUTCH FLUYTS AND POLISH GENERALS FOUGHT AT HIS SIDE, AND FRENCH AND SPANISH TROOPS WERE PROMISED, THERE HAD BEEN NO DOUBT AS FAR AS AMERICANS WERE CONCERNED THAT THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION HAD BEEN A WAR BETWEEN GREAT BRITAIN AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

A WAR IN WHICH THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WON THEIR FREEDOM.

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….

 

…..

 

….. BUT OUR BIZARRO HISTORY LESSON DO NOT END QUITE YET.

 

(THOUGHT WE’D FORGET TO TIE THIS TO THE 11TH WORCESTER DISTRICT SPECIAL ELECTION, DID YOU NOT???)

 

(NEXT UPDATE: EPILOGUE)

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