Monthly Archives: March 2015

BIZARRO INFOGRAPHICS: THE 2015 WORCESTER DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC WORKS SNOW BUDGET

IT HAVE BEEN RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT THE CITY PAID $6,266,190 FOR SNOW REMOVAL THIS PAST WINTER, OVERRUNNING ITS BUDGET BY OVER $2 MILLION. THEREFORE, CITY MANAGER AND BIGSHOT-IN-CHIEF ED AUGUSTUS JR WISHES FOR PERMISSION TO SPEND THE MONEY THE CITY ALREADY SPENT.

THE CITY MANAGER SHALL BE GIVING A REPORT TO THE COUNCIL TOMORROW, AND DPW COMMISSIONER PAUL MOOSEY SHALL DETAIL WHERE THIS MONEY HAVE BEEN SPENT WHILE GAMELY TRYING TO CONVINCE PHIL PALMIERI THAT HE AM NOT, IN FACT, BOB MOYLAN.

HOWEVER…

IN A FEAT OF JOURNALISTIC TRIUMPH WORTHY OF A POST ON THIS BLOG, BIZARRO WORCESTER HAVE RECENTLY ACQUIRED AN ADVANCE COPY OF THE DPW REPORT!!!!!! WE SHALL NOW PROVIDE TO YOU THIS DATA IN A TOUR DE FORCE THAT ALL THE COOL REPUTABLE NEWS SOURCES AM DOING THESE DAYS…

A POORLY RESEARCHED INFOGRAPHIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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MINUTES FROM THE APRIL 1ST CHANDLER MAGNET SCHOOL BALL FIELD MEETING

(BIZARRO NOTE: THE PLAN WERE OFFICIALLY CANCELLED, BUT SINCE WE PUT SO LITTLE EFFORT INTO THIS RIP-OFF OF A SIMPSONS CLASSIC, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD POST IT ANYWAY…)

 

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Ed Augustus Jr:
Y’know, a city with a ball field’s a little like the panhandler with a credit card. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!

(audience laughs)

Rick Rushton:
Heh heh! Panhandler.

Ed Augustus Jr:
The name’s Augustus, Ed Augustus Junior. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest…

Aw, it’s not for you. It’s more of a Lawrence idea.

Joe Petty:
Now wait just a minute! We’re twice as smart as the people of Lawrence! Just tell us your idea and we’ll vote for it!

Ed Augustus Jr:
All right, I tell you what I’ll do. I’ll show you my idea!

I give you… the Chandler Magnet Parking Lot!

(everyone gasps)

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DESTINED TO FAIL: A FIRST LOOK AT THE THREE YOUNGEST WOULD-BE CANDIDATES IN THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!

WORCESTER POLITICS AM IN ~-CHAOS-~!!!!!

14 NEW CANDIDATES (AS OF THIS WRITING) HAVE PULLED PAPERS IN A MISGUIDED ATTEMPT TO BRING NEW LIFE TO THE LEADERSHIP OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!

BY COMPARISON, IN 2013, THE LINE FOR NOMINATION PAPERS CONSISTED OF A LOST CRICKET.

THIS WEEK IN BIZARRO WORCESTER, WE GIVE YOU A FIRST LOOK AT THE THREE YOUNGEST POTENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR OFFICE, ALL OF WHOM WE CAN SAFELY SAY SHALL FAIL MISERABLY. BECAUSE WHO WANTS SOMEONE YOUNG AND FULL OF LIFE WHEN YOU COULD VOTE FOR LEECHES AND THE HUSKS THEY LEAVE BEHIND!!!!!!!!!!

BEFORE WE GET TO THE PROFILES, WE REMIND OUR READERS THAT WE KNOW PRETTY MUCH NOTHING ABOUT THESE THREE CANDIDATES. WE ALSO AM NOT A MEDIA ORGANIZATION IN ANY FORM, SHAPE OR WAY AND MORE IMPORTANTLY DON’T LIKE THESE PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY AM UNDER THE AGE OF 60. THEREFORE, WE HAVE SELECTED PICTURES OF RANDOM VEGETABLES IN LIEU OF THE CANDIDATES THEMSELVES.

SHOULD YOU REQUIRE MORE ACCURATE INFORMATION ON THESE CANDIDATES… TOO BAD. WE ADVISE YOU AS WE ALWAYS DO: DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH, CITIZEN.

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RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN… TO OUR NEW FACEBOOK PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT SOMETHING LIKE A “FACE BOOK” COULD HAVE HELPED US IN OUR PURSUIT TO WIN BEST BLOG OF 2015 AT WORCESTER MAGAZINE, HAD WE DEPLOYED IT EARLIER. BUT WHERE THERE AM NOT A WILL, THERE AM NOT A WAY!!!!!!

VISIT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND VOTE BIZARRO WORCESTER FOR BEST BLOG… AND BEST PLASTIC SURGEON!!!!!!!!!

WE AM COMING FOR YOU, BENTKOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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THE 2015 BIZARRO WORCESTER ST. PATRICK’S DAY ROAST!!!!!!!!!

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES!!!!!!!! HOW AM EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT??????????

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WE HEARD KONSTANTINA LUKES WERE GOING TO SPEAK TODAY!!!

BUT SINCE WE DIDN’T LIKE HER MATERIAL, WE REPLACED HER.

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