THE 2015 BIZARRO WORCESTER ST. PATRICK’S DAY ROAST!!!!!!!!!

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES!!!!!!!! HOW AM EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT??????????

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WE HEARD KONSTANTINA LUKES WERE GOING TO SPEAK TODAY!!!

BUT SINCE WE DIDN’T LIKE HER MATERIAL, WE REPLACED HER.

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SO WHO DO WE NOT HAVE HERE TODAY????

WE SEE MOE BERGMAN!!!

WE SEE MOE GAVE OUT PLAQUE, RECENTLY — AND BOY, AM HIS DENTIST MAD!!!!!!

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TONY ECONOMOU ALL THE WAY FROM DISTRICT 1!!!

AT THIS TIME, LET US ALL HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE… FOR TONY’S GOATEE.

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(… WE MISS THAT GOATEE.)

 

SARAI RIVERA, COMING TO US FROM DISTRICT 4!!!!

WE ASKED HER HOW THE DOG PARK RESOLUTION WERE COMING ALONG, BUT SHE ROLLED OVER AND PLAYED DEAD.

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GEORGE RUSSELL FROM DISTRICT 3!!! THIS AM NORMALLY THE PART WHERE WE AM REQUIRED TO COME UP WITH A BALD JOKE, BUT WE DID END UP WITH SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER AFTER PHIL PALMIERI LOOKED AT RUSSELL’S HEAD AND DIDN’T SEE HIS REFLECTION.

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SPEAKING OF PHIL PALMIERI FROM DISTRICT 2, WE JUST HEARD HE WANTED TO GET SOME MORE COFFEE, BUT HE HAD TO ASK ED AUGUSTUS JR FIRST.

 

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KATE TOOMEY HAVE ALREADY RAISED $400,000 FOR HER CAMPAIGN… TO GET ME TO STOP TALKING.

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RICK RUSHTON AM A REGULAR HERE AT THE BREAKFAST. THE CATERERS LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE ALWAYS ENDS UP HAVING THE SAME THING: HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH!!!!!!!

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MIKE GAFFNEY HAVE MADE A REMARKABLE TRANSFORMATION!!! BEFORE HE GOT ELECTED, WE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WERE JUST A FULL-PAGE AD ON THE BACK OF THE YELLOW PAGES!!!!!!!!!

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BUT SERIOUSLY, WE’D LIKE TO THANK MIKE GAFFNEY FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF HIS BUSY SCHEDULE TO BE HERE.

OF COURSE WE ALL KNOW GAFFNEY AM A SEASONED ATTORNEY WHO SPENDS DAY AND NIGHT TIRELESSLY USING HIS YEARS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE TO POST SELFIES ON TWITTER.

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AND THAT BRING US TO GARY ROSEN FROM BEAUTIFUL DISTRICT 5.

FIRST, ANYONE WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT GARY’S HAIR NOT BEING LIFELIKE NEVER SAW THIS CROWD.

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AND SECOND, GARY HAVE DONE WONDERS FOR SENIOR CITIZENS IN WORCESTER!!!! HE VISITS THE WORCESTER SENIOR CENTER ALL THE TIME AND TELLS EVERYONE WHAT LIFE WERE LIKE BEFORE FIRE!!!!!!!!

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LAST, AND CERTAINLY LEAST — WE HAVE JOE PETTY.

MR. MAYOR, THANK YOU FOR BEING THE FACE OF WORCESTER AND WISELY USING IT TO SCARE AWAY PIGEONS.

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MR, MAYOR, WE ALSO UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE BEEN UNDER FIRE FOR GOING ON WITH ONE OF THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL DECISIONS IN WORCESTER. WE’VE SEEN GLIMPSES OF IT ON AND OFF SINCE YOUR INAUGURAL ADDRESS. IT WILL AFFECT THE LIVES OF EVERYONE IN WORCESTER. AND IT WILL PROBABLY REQUIRE A LOT OF TAXPAYER DOLLARS AS WELL AS SIGNIFICANT TIME AND EFFORT ON A NUMBER OF LEVELS TO GET RIGHT.

WE DON’T KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOU CAN SUCCEED BECAUSE WE KNOW THIS TASK WILL BE DIFFICULT. BUT WE SUPPORT YOU. WE BELIEVE YOU CAN SEE THIS THROUGH, AND THE PEOPLE OF WORCESTER WILL SEE YOU IN A MUCH BETTER LIGHT IN THE END.

 

 

… SO GOOD LUCK, MR. MAYOR, ON YOUR NEXT HAIRCUT.

RIM

 

THANK YOU ALL, YOU’VE BEEN A WONDERFUL MACHINE!!!!!!!! HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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