DESTINED TO FAIL: A FIRST LOOK AT THE THREE YOUNGEST WOULD-BE CANDIDATES IN THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!

WORCESTER POLITICS AM IN ~-CHAOS-~!!!!!

14 NEW CANDIDATES (AS OF THIS WRITING) HAVE PULLED PAPERS IN A MISGUIDED ATTEMPT TO BRING NEW LIFE TO THE LEADERSHIP OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!

BY COMPARISON, IN 2013, THE LINE FOR NOMINATION PAPERS CONSISTED OF A LOST CRICKET.

THIS WEEK IN BIZARRO WORCESTER, WE GIVE YOU A FIRST LOOK AT THE THREE YOUNGEST POTENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR OFFICE, ALL OF WHOM WE CAN SAFELY SAY SHALL FAIL MISERABLY. BECAUSE WHO WANTS SOMEONE YOUNG AND FULL OF LIFE WHEN YOU COULD VOTE FOR LEECHES AND THE HUSKS THEY LEAVE BEHIND!!!!!!!!!!

BEFORE WE GET TO THE PROFILES, WE REMIND OUR READERS THAT WE KNOW PRETTY MUCH NOTHING ABOUT THESE THREE CANDIDATES. WE ALSO AM NOT A MEDIA ORGANIZATION IN ANY FORM, SHAPE OR WAY AND MORE IMPORTANTLY DON’T LIKE THESE PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY AM UNDER THE AGE OF 60. THEREFORE, WE HAVE SELECTED PICTURES OF RANDOM VEGETABLES IN LIEU OF THE CANDIDATES THEMSELVES.

SHOULD YOU REQUIRE MORE ACCURATE INFORMATION ON THESE CANDIDATES… TOO BAD. WE ADVISE YOU AS WE ALWAYS DO: DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH, CITIZEN.

 

COTEY J. COLLINS

BIZARRO OLIVES

AGE: NOT OLD ENOUGH TO GET JANICE HARVEY’S JOKES.

RUNNING AWAY FROM: SCHOOL COMMITTEE

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT OF OTHERWISE MEANINGLESS LIFE: WROTE LETTER TO THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE DENOUNCING BULLYING IN THE WORCESTER PUBLIC SCHOOLS, WHICH HE PUBLICIZED ON SOME LADY’S TV SHOW WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF. ALSO A BUDDING ACTOR WITH GRAVITAS TO SPARE.

INITIAL IMPRESSION: WE RECOMMEND MR. COLLINS OBTAIN A TOUPEE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO PROPERLY FIT IN WITH THE MEN OF THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE NOT NAMED BRIAN O’CONNELL. HE MAY ALSO WANT TO TAKE A MORE FIRM STANCE ON MELINDA BOONE, AS WE HEAR THAT AM KIND OF A THING.

 

CINDY NGUYEN

BIZARRO CARAMBOLA

AGE: NOT OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER JUDITH LIGHT BRINGING MEDIA PLAY TO WORCESTER.

RUNNING AWAY FROM: DISTRICT 1

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT OF OTHERWISE MEANINGLESS LIFE: RESEARCHING THE ESTABLISHMENT, CHALLENGES AND BENEFITS OF A COMMUNITY VEGETABLE GARDEN ON CAMPUS AT HOLY CROSS AND THEN HAVING HER DREAMS HORRIBLY DASHED BECAUSE SHE TRIED TO DO SOMETHING AT HOLY CROSS WITHOUT FIRST BEING NAMED ED AUGUSTUS JR.

INITIAL IMPRESSION: WE RECOMMEND THAT SHE PRESS A AND B SIMULTANEOUSLY TO PERFORM A SPECIAL ATTACK SHOULD SHE HAVE TROUBLE BEATING TONY ECONOMOU, THE DISTRICT 1 BOSS. WE FURTHER RECOMMEND SHE CHANGE HER NAME TO ED AUGUSTUS JR., TO AVOID CONFUSION.

 

LUIS F. PORTILLO

BIZARRO OKRA

AGE: NOT OLD ENOUGH TO USE BEER AS CURRENCY AT THE HOTEL VERNON.

RUNNING AWAY FROM: DISTRICT 4

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT OF OTHERWISE MEANINGLESS LIFE: FOUNDED THE NATIONAL CHAMBER FOR ARTS WHICH SHOULD IN NO WAY BE CONFUSED WITH THE NATIONAL CHAMBER OF ARTS, THE NATIONAL ARTS CHAMBER, THE ARTS NATIONAL CHAMBER, OR THE PEOPLE’S FRONT OF JUDEA.

INITIAL IMPRESSION: HAVING COME FROM CLAREMONT ACADEMY, WE CAN FORGIVE MR. PORTILLO FOR KNOWING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE TEACHERS’ UNION AND THE CHALLENGES THEY FACE. WE RECOMMEND HE REPEATEDLY CALL SARAI RIVERA “MONTY” FOR NO OBVIOUS REASON AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY POSSIBLE.

 

SO, WOULD-BE POLITICIANS… BY PUTTING YOUR NAMES ON THE INTERNET, WE HAVE NOW DOOMED YOU TO IGNOMINY!!!!! BECAUSE AS WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER KNOW, WHEN SOMEONE MOCKS YOU IN WORCESTER POLITICS, YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY TEAR YOUR NOMINATION PAPERS INTO LITTLE TINY PIECES AND WEEP FOR DAYS.

YOU SHALL NOT OVERCOME OUR DISCOURAGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

… NO, REALLY. STOP OVERCOMING OUR DISCOURAGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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2 thoughts on “DESTINED TO FAIL: A FIRST LOOK AT THE THREE YOUNGEST WOULD-BE CANDIDATES IN THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!

  1. We couldn’t agree more with your comments on Cotey Collins. We DO NOT want to seem him elected into the worcester school committee. Way to young, unqualified, and isn’t even out of high school yet!? I’M DISGUSTED!!

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