Monthly Archives: April 2015

OUR OBLIGATORY PATRONIZING LIST OF PICKS FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE’S BEST OF WORCESTER 2015 AWARDS!!!!!

IN CASE YOU’VE NOT BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK AND AM THEREFORE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE, WORCESTER MAGAZINE ONCE AGAIN ASKED ITS READER TO PICK THE SUPERLATIVES OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!!! THIS NOT ONLY PROVIDES A SPOTLIGHT TO LOCAL BUSINESSES, PEOPLE AND SERVICES, BUT ALSO GIVES WALTER BIRD JR A CHANCE TO TEACH TOM QUINN THE ART OF STACKING SODA CANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE OF COURSE MADE A TOKEN PUSH FOR THE CITIZENS OF WORCESTER TO VOTE BIZARRO!!!! (SORRY, TOM — WE PROMISED A MORE SHAMELESS CAMPAIGN, BUT BIZARRO AFFAIRS OF STATE GOT IN OUR WAY. YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER AN ARMY OF SCOTT BROWN CLONES.) WE EVEN TRIED THE FACEBOOK FOR ADVERTISING OUR MAGNIFICENCE!!!!!!!!

THE RESULTS SHALL BE PUBLISHED NEXT THURSDAY. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD DO WHAT EVERY OTHER MEDIOCRE BLOGGER DO, WHICH AM TO GIVE YOU WHAT WE PICKED FOR THE BEST OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!! OF COURSE, LISTS LIKE THOSE AM BORING. SO INSTEAD, IN A DECISION SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM INSPIRED BY TOM QUINN, WE HAVE DECIDED TO RUN OUR PICKS THROUGH THE EVER-INFALLIBLE AUTOCORRECT FEATURE ON OUR BIZARRO PHONE AND PRESENT OUR EXPERT DEPICTION OF THE RESULTS!!!!!!!!

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ADOPT A POTHOLE TODAY!!!!!!!!!

WE AM NOW UP TO OUR EYEBALLS IN POTHOLES!!!!!!!!!! AS OFTEN HAPPENS WITH SNOW AND SALT, WORCESTER’S BEAUTIFUL ASPHALT JUNGLE HAVE BEEN DEFORESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNLUCKILY FOR YOU, WE HAVE A SOLUTION!!!!!! FOLLOWING ON THE HEELS OF WORCESTER’S SUPER-SUCCESSFUL ADOPT-A-HYDRANT AND BIZARRO WORCESTER’S EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL ADOPT-A-SNOWBANK PROGRAM…

THINK OF THE SNOWBANKS

… BIZARRO WORCESTER AM PLEASED TO PRESENT THE ADOPT-A-POTHOLE PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

largehole

NO, WE DON’T ASK THAT YOU REPORT POTHOLES TO THE REPAIR HOTLINE AT (508) 754-9696 OR USE THE POTHOLE CLAIM FORM TO REPORT POTHOLES. WE CERTAINLY DON’T WANT YOU TO FILL THEM!!! INSTEAD, WE JUST WANT YOU TO TAKE THEM UNDER YOUR WING AND SHOW THEM THE LOVE THEY DESERVE AND OFTEN NEVER RECEIVE.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO AM DIG THEM OUT AND BRING THEM INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM!!! NO FEEDING OR CARE OF ANY KIND AM NECESSARY!!!!!!! AND THE BEST PART AM, YOU LEAVE AN EVEN BIGGER POTHOLE FOR THE NEXT PERSON TO ADOPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

… BESIDES, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY RESIST THAT FACE???????????????

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FROM THE DESK OF DR. ENOOB ADNILEM, SUPERINTENDENT OF BIZARRO WORCESTER PUBLIC SCHOOLS

Ladies and gentlemen, students, teachers and citizens of Bizarro Worcester,

First of all, I would like to thank 99% of the students of Worcester for the kindness and respect they’ve shown me since starting my job as Superintendent of Bizarro Worcester Public Schools in 2009, as demonstrated on social media:

I would also like to thank 71.42% of the School Committee for once again renewing my contract for the next three years. Without their help, we wouldn’t have spurred the youth of this city into action, including one young man who might be elected to the school committee purely as a referendum on my performance. It can therefore be said that my policies have increased youth participation in our municipal government to record-breaking levels.

Finally, I would like to thank Mayor Joseph Petty for his support through this troubling time for the Worcester Public Schools administration. Mr. Mayor, let me assure you right now that there is a 16% chance I will be able to help you get the exam school you have been working on since your inaugural address in 2012. Although it is 78% possible you may just be supporting me because you really need that school, I’m not going to complain. I have 194,826 reasons not to.

Now, to business. There is an 89.61% chance you may have heard about North High School and what is being portrayed in 95% of local media as a failure to supervise our children and enforce the laws of our city, state and country, as well as failure to collaborate with the Worcester Police Department towards a solution agreeable to our entire city. I have been assigned 77% of the blame for this, including accusations that I favor statistical analysis to direct meetings 62% of the time.

Therefore, there is a 50.00% chance that what I am about to tell you is very important.

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