Ladies and gentlemen, students, teachers and citizens of Bizarro Worcester,
First of all, I would like to thank 99% of the students of Worcester for the kindness and respect they’ve shown me since starting my job as Superintendent of Bizarro Worcester Public Schools in 2009, as demonstrated on social media:
Melinda Boone be like.. pic.twitter.com/KiScErbM4c
— TyShawn (@TSims_TheOne) December 17, 2013
I would also like to thank 71.42% of the School Committee for once again renewing my contract for the next three years. Without their help, we wouldn’t have spurred the youth of this city into action, including one young man who might be elected to the school committee purely as a referendum on my performance. It can therefore be said that my policies have increased youth participation in our municipal government to record-breaking levels.
Finally, I would like to thank Mayor Joseph Petty for his support through this troubling time for the Worcester Public Schools administration. Mr. Mayor, let me assure you right now that there is a 16% chance I will be able to help you get the exam school you have been working on since your inaugural address in 2012. Although it is 78% possible you may just be supporting me because you really need that school, I’m not going to complain. I have 194,826 reasons not to.
Now, to business. There is an 89.61% chance you may have heard about North High School and what is being portrayed in 95% of local media as a failure to supervise our children and enforce the laws of our city, state and country, as well as failure to collaborate with the Worcester Police Department towards a solution agreeable to our entire city. I have been assigned 77% of the blame for this, including accusations that I favor statistical analysis to direct meetings 62% of the time.
Therefore, there is a 50.00% chance that what I am about to tell you is very important.
First, let me assure you that thanks to my rigorous six-weekend program over the course of ten months through the Broad Academy (which has now been increased to an even more rigorous 30 days of coursework over an 18-month period, putting new Fellows through a 0.5% more rigorous program), I am 29.65% more qualified to run a school system facing the challenges Bizarro Worcester faces than any other person named Melinda Boone.
I offer the certificate from Broad Academy to prove it:
However, it has come to my attention that in spite of this training, there are consistent issues regarding 81% of my communication skills as well as a concerted media effort to tarnish my reputation. My goal is to provide a safe and cost-effective education for 86% of the children of Bizarro Worcester, and it is clear to me that something must be done to change the way communication occurs in this office.
To make matters worse, the recent closed-door meeting in which 50 pizzas were delivered for 33 people is now the second time improper use of the Bizarro Worcester Public Schools budget for food service have been alleged in my administration, both times involving local Italian restaurant Ciao Bella. This has resulted in a crisis of confidence which I can no longer ignore.
Therefore, effective immediately…
…I have accepted a position at Ciao Bella as head chef.
I believe the best way I can serve the city of Bizarro Worcester is to take a more hands-on role in the crisis of confidence in Ciao Bella. To that end, I will spearhead the julienne process of hand-picked plum tomato preparation, guide the roasting of savory garlic cloves and personally oversee mouth-watering artichoke placement on our delicious puttanesca pizzas. There are those on the council who respect my convictions and it is my greatest conviction that Ciao Bella’s food is, dollar for dollar, the best in this city.
Of course, I will not be stepping down as Superintendent of Bizarro Worcester Public Schools. In fact, I will retool my office hours to 15 minutes a day, which will mostly be spent forwarding cat pictures to my friends and family. This will eliminate 100% of the problems of superintendent-teacher communications by cutting that communication likewise by 100%. Complaints about poor communication should also go down by 100% since, again, superintendent-teacher communications will exist as much as artificial additives in Ciao Bella’s hand-made pizza dough.
In spite of these new duties, I will still do my best to make the Bizarro Worcester Public Schools the envy of every budget presentation. Most importantly, I will see to it that we close the achievement gap. I plan to accomplish this by making sure there is a 0% chance of achieving anything within the Bizarro Worcester Public Schools. Unless of course it means throwing the best pizza party in this city’s history. To those narrow-minded critics who call it irresponsible for me to pay for $600 worth of Ciao Bella pizza for 35 people, my answer to them would be this: Who wouldn’t pay $600 for enough Ciao Bella porcini pizza to stuff your face for months?
I would also like to remind everyone that this is only the beginning. Once this unfortunate situation is behind us, I will hit the reset button and focus 74% of all my efforts on the push for an exam school. Some might say that we could put Worcester’s money to better use elsewhere. I would say that some people just don’t know what they want until it’s right in front of their face. Take the Ciao Bella house special pasta, for example. You wouldn’t think Dijon mustard would go with kalamata olives, but when you taste it, you’ll wonder why you never asked for it sooner!
I hope I have restored your faith in the Bizarro Worcester Public Schools administration. If not, try the veal morengo.