Monthly Archives: May 2015

COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!! (PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MOMENT HAVE COME.

WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER STAND READY TO TAKE OUR FIRST LOOK INTO THE GLORIOUS POST-ARMAGEDDON WORLD THAT AM LOCAL WORCESTER POLITICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WORCESTER’S SCHOOL COMMITTEE, CONSISTING OF SIX ELECTED MEMBERS AND THE MAYOR, DEFINE THE GROUND RULES UNDER WHICH THE SUPERINTENDENT CAN CONDUCT BUSINESS. THIS WOULD ALSO INCLUDE CHOOSING SAID SUPERINTENDENT.

WE DIVIDED THE CANDIDATES INTO THREE CRYPTICALLY NAMED GROUPS WITH A VAGUELY WORCESTER COLLEGIATE CLICKBAIT BENT. IN THE INTEREST OF UNFAIRNESS, WE ALSO PLACED AN EXPERTLY CURATED IMAGE IN LIEU OF EACH CANDIDATE’S PHOTO WHICH WE BELIEVE SHALL SUITABLY REPRESENT THEM. FINALLY, OUR SUPERIOR OPINIONS AM BASED ON COMPLETELY OUTLANDISH LIES AND SHALL NOT CONTAIN ONE OUNCE OF TRUTH WHATSOEVER. WE SAVED OUR LEAST DISHONEST OPINIONS FOR THE RANKINGS, WHICH WE HOPE NO ONE SHALL READ BECAUSE YOU AM TOO BUSY CARING ABOUT AM WHO RANKED WHERE.

AFTER ALL, WE HAVE A REPUTATION NOT TO MAINTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

BIZARRO PROGRAMMING NOTE: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SUBMIT… SIGNATURES!!!!!!

AS ALWAYS, WE BLAME BIZARRO MARTY WALSH AND THE BOSTON 2024 CAMPAIGN FOR OUR UNEXPECTED HIATUS. THERE CERTAINLY HAD NOT BEEN A DEARTH OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT, INCLUDING A PROPOSED NEW GUN SHOP AND SHOOTING RANGE WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING…

TONS OF GUN PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN ADDITION, MAY 19TH — TOMORROW — AM THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMITTING NOMINATION PAPERS. ANYONE WHO HAVE NOT SUBMITTED PAPERS SHALL BE DEALT WITH BY OUR ASSISTANT CITY CLERK.

kane_by_wwe_renders-d5quq9i[1]

SO GET YOUR SIGNATURES IN, LEST YOU SUCCUMB TO FIRE, BRIMSTONE AND THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKETPLACE CHOKESLAMMING THE VALUE OF YOUR LABOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

BIZARRO COVERAGE OF THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS SHALL BEGIN ONCE WE FIGURE OUT WHO WE NEED TO SCHMOOZE WITH.

AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS, CITIZEN.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

THE DAY THE WORCESTER TELEGRAM EMOTICONS DIED

WE EXAGGERATE A BIT. SOME OF THEM AM INDEED TRYING TO PULL THEMSELVES UP BY THEIR PIXELATED BOOTSTRAPS. TAKE THIS ONE, FOR EXAMPLE…

emoticon_panhandler

BUT TRULY, TIMES HAVE CHANGED. AND BECAUSE THIS AM A LIFE-ALTERING CHANGE IN INTERNET HISTORY, WE NOW TAKE YOU THROUGH A BRIEF LOOK AT WHAT CAUSED THE END OF THE INTERNET IN WORCESTER AS WE KNOW IT!!!!!!!!

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,