COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!! (PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MOMENT HAVE COME.

WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER STAND READY TO TAKE OUR FIRST LOOK INTO THE GLORIOUS POST-ARMAGEDDON WORLD THAT AM LOCAL WORCESTER POLITICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WORCESTER’S SCHOOL COMMITTEE, CONSISTING OF SIX ELECTED MEMBERS AND THE MAYOR, DEFINE THE GROUND RULES UNDER WHICH THE SUPERINTENDENT CAN CONDUCT BUSINESS. THIS WOULD ALSO INCLUDE CHOOSING SAID SUPERINTENDENT.

WE DIVIDED THE CANDIDATES INTO THREE CRYPTICALLY NAMED GROUPS WITH A VAGUELY WORCESTER COLLEGIATE CLICKBAIT BENT. IN THE INTEREST OF UNFAIRNESS, WE ALSO PLACED AN EXPERTLY CURATED IMAGE IN LIEU OF EACH CANDIDATE’S PHOTO WHICH WE BELIEVE SHALL SUITABLY REPRESENT THEM. FINALLY, OUR SUPERIOR OPINIONS AM BASED ON COMPLETELY OUTLANDISH LIES AND SHALL NOT CONTAIN ONE OUNCE OF TRUTH WHATSOEVER. WE SAVED OUR LEAST DISHONEST OPINIONS FOR THE RANKINGS, WHICH WE HOPE NO ONE SHALL READ BECAUSE YOU AM TOO BUSY CARING ABOUT AM WHO RANKED WHERE.

AFTER ALL, WE HAVE A REPUTATION NOT TO MAINTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GROUP I: COASTING THROUGH PEACE STUDIES WITH A GODDARD SCHOLARSHIP

BRIAN O’CONNELL

gandalf-glasses-2011-05-13-600[1]

PRO: MAGICAL FLOWING LOCKS.

CON: TOO MUCH TIME AT VIA WITH ELVEN ROYALTY.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

SICK OF BEING THE MERYL STREEP OF THE WORCESTER SCHOOL COMMITTEE, BELOVED BY PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE ACROSS THE BOARD EVEN IN DISAGREEMENT, O’CONNELL RECENTLY ANNOUNCED A CAMPAIGN TO SPIT ON EVERY GRANDMOTHER FROM HERE TO PLYMOUTH.

PREDICTION:

LEADING THE PACK DESPITE CONTINUING TO REBELLIOUSLY FOREGO THE TRADITIONAL CHEAP TOUPEE WORCESTER POLITICAL HEADDRESS.

JACK FOLEY

891421_973514266000577_2047153993_n[1]

PRO: MASTER RAPPER.

CON: LONGSTANDING ANTI-DWARF PLATFORM.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

WE DO NOT BELIEVE WORCESTER CAN TAKE TWO MORE YEARS OF JACK FOLEY TAKING 5 MINUTES OUT OF EVERY COUNCIL MEETING JUST TO RECITE GREEN EGGS AND HAM. HE NEVER EVEN TRY TO WORK IT INTO THE TOPIC!!!!

PREDICTION:

2ND PLACE.

DIANNA BIANCHERIA

gimili_snowtent[1]

PRO: OFFERED HER AXE.

CON: SECOND FIDDLE TO ORLANDO BLOOM.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

BIANCHERIA SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE BEEN DISQUALIFIED FOR USING HER SCARF TO STRANGLE MELINDA BOONE TWO WEEKS AGO, ALTHOUGH SHE DID BREAK BEFORE A 5-COUNT.

PREDICTION:

#3 AGAIN BEHIND FOLEY STADIUM AND JEAN-LUC O’CONNELL.

JOHN MONFREDO

tumblr_inline_mv3kixrthk1qa15l3[1]

PRO: LOOKING GOOD FOR ELEVENTY-ONE.

CON: KLEPTOMANIA ISSUES.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

MONFREDO’S ABILITY TO SILENCE CRITICS JUST BY EMITTING A SONIC WAVE FROM HIS 5TH VERTEBRA MAKE HIM AN EASY FAVORITE TO WIN IN NOVEMBER.

PREDICTION:

4TH, BUT SHOULD BE WATCHED CAREFULLY AT HIS ELEVENTY-SECOND BIRTHDAY.

GROUP II: BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE WPI SNOWFLAKES

DONNA COLORIO

8a8d1cd68933cb67a95459bdf20d168c[1]

PRO: KNITTED STUFF FOR THE FELLOWSHIP.

CON: ONLY ATTUNED TO THE TREES OF LOTHLÓRIEN WITH NUTS ON THEM.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

DONNA COLORIO CANNOT GET WITHIN 5 FEET OF TRACY O’CONNELL NOVICK WITHOUT CAUSING A MATTER-ANTIMATTER REACTION WHICH WOULD LEVEL EVERYTHING WITHIN A 500-MILE RADIUS. SHE ALSO EXPERTLY KNIT A NEW BRIGHTLY COLORED WIG TO WEAR TO EVERY SCHOOL COMMITTEE MEETING.

PREDICTION:

5TH.

TO BE SAFE, SHE MIGHT WANT TO WAIT UNTIL DECEMBER TO EAT AT CORAL SEAFOOD AGAIN.

TRACY O’CONNELL NOVICK

422519512_f66c7350e7_o[1]

PRO: GOT ALL THE TOLKIEN REFERENCES IN THIS BLOG POST AND THE ART REFERENCE HERE.

CON: CANNOT STOP CALLING JOHN MONFREDO A “STUPID FAT HOBBIT” AT MEETINGS.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

SHE ACTUALLY DID INTEND TO VOTE TO REMOVE BOONE IN 2015, BUT SHE ACTUALLY LOST HER BATTLE WITH PINK SLIME BACK IN 2012 AND WHAT WE CALL TRACY O’CONNELL NOVICK AM ACTUALLY A BOVINE BYPRODUCT IMPOSTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS COULD EXPLAIN WHY OVER HALF OF THE 70,000 POSTS ON HER BLOG ABOUT THE FY15 BUDGET AM DIGRESSIONS INTO BELMONT ELEMENTARY’S NEW SALISBURY STEAK RECIPE .

PREDICTION:

6TH PLACE, BUT ONLY ON THE FLIMSIEST POSSIBLE GROUNDS OF ARBITRARY BIAS.

REALISTICALLY, SHE AND COTEY COLLINS SEEM TO BE IN A DEAD HEAT WITH COLLINS SHOWING MORE ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT IN HIS CAMPAIGN. ALSO PREDICTED RANKINGS THIS EARLY ULTIMATELY MEAN BUPKIS ANYWAY OTHER THAN AS ASSESSMENTS OF EARLY MOMENTUM AS WELL AS A BLATANT TROLLING DEVICE.

HOW COULD WE NOT PICK NOVICK TO STICK AROUND TWO MORE YEARS???????????

COTEY COLLINS

tumblr_mikxw8bGUY1rodbuxo1_500[1]

PRO: SAVED THE WORLD.

CON: REALLY SHOULD PUT SOME ICE ON THAT RING FINGER.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

EMISSARIES FROM SOME OTHER ALTERNATE UNIVERSE HAVE ALREADY STATED THEY OPPOSE NOT SUPPORTING A POSITION AGAINST OPPOSITION TO OPPOSING COTEY COLLINS.

AS FOR US, WE LIKE THAT HE CAN GROW A FULL MANE OF FLOWING LOCKS IN 8 SECONDS.

PREDICTION:

THE SPOILER.

COLLINS GOT A SIGNIFICANT HEAD START UPON WHICH HE CAN STILL CAPITALIZE EVEN MORE. SHOULD HE HAVE THE CHANCE TO BETTER DISTINGUISH HIMSELF ON NON-BOONE ISSUES OR HIS NON-BOONE ISSUES BECOME NON-ISSUES (MARVEL AT OUR SUPERIOR WORDSMITHING!!!), WE MIGHT SEE HIM FULFILL HIS DESTINY IN ROUNDING OUT THE TOP 6 AND TOSSING MELINDA BOONE FROM MOUNT DOOM.

7TH BY A FIXED COIN-FLIP.

GROUP III: BARFED ON ED AUGUSTUS JR THE MORNING AFTER A COLLEGE HILL KEGGER

HILDA RAMIREZ

tumblr_inline_mg1aa1vgoB1rrbnii[1]

PRO: HAD A HOT STREAK IN THE RETURN OF THE KING.

CON: DADDY ISSUES.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

WITH HER INVISIBILITY CLOAK, THE DIRECTOR OF THE WORCESTER YOUTH CENTER HAVE SUCCESSFULLY EVADED LINDSEY CORCORAN, TOM QUINN AND OTHER INTREPID LOCAL REPORTERS NUMEROUS TIMES DESPITE A NEAR-MISS WITH WALTER BIRD JR STARING RIGHT AT HER FOR A FEW MOMENTS AND THEN WALKING OFF.

PREDICTION:

8TH PLACE AT BEST. RAMIREZ MADE BOLD STANCES THESE PAST TWO YEARS, BUT SEEMED LACKING THE FERVOR OF OTHERS WITH SIMILAR STANCES. COURTING THE PRESS WITH THE FERVOR OF NOVICK, MONFREDO OR COLLINS MAY NOT GUARANTEE VOTES… BUT UNDER-UTILIZE THE PRESS AT YOUR OWN RISK, ESPECIALLY IN A YEAR WITH SO MANY VOLATILE ISSUES.

NICOLA D’ANDREA

10-witch-king-death[1]

PRO: TROLLED THE WITCH-KING.

CON: DITCHED MERRY FOR SIR-SNOOZE-A-LOT.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

D’ANDREA’S BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENT, WITHOUT A DOUBT, HAPPENED IN NOME, ALASKA. HE RISKED HIS LIFE TO BRING MEDICINE TO A GIRL WITH THE HELP OF A SNOW GOOSE AND TWO POLAR BEARS IN 1925, A HEROIC MUSHING WHICH WOULD INSPIRE THE IDITAROD TRAIL SLED DOG RACE 42 YEARS LATER.

PREDICTION:

9TH. GOOD POTENTIAL, AND HOPEFULLY SHALL BACK UP HIS NUANCED POSITIONS WITH A MORE DISTINCT PUBLIC PERSONA AS THE RACE PROGRESSES.

POTENTIAL DARK HORSE.

MOLLY MCCULLOUGH

Frustrated-Boromir[1]

PRO: CAN TAKE THREE ARROWS TO THE CHEST.

CON: ALWAYS SOMEHOW TAKING THREE ARROWS TO THE CHEST.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

MCCULLOUGH HAVE REPEATEDLY BROUGHT UP HER PROUD HISTORY OF SERVICE IN THE WORCESTER PUBLIC SCHOOLS AS A 3RD GENERATION FIRE ALARM AT BURNCOAT HIGH.

PREDICTION:

WE REALIZE IT AM TOO EARLY TO DECLARE HER THE 10TH-PLACE WINNER WITH ANY TRUE ACCURACY. BUT WE AGREE WITH WHAT SHE STATED IN HER GOLOCALWORCESTER INTERVIEW: SHE MUST DO MORE HOMEWORK.

 

 

A RAMBLING PARAGRAPH TYING ALL THIS NONSENSE TOGETHER:

EAGLE-EYED READER SHALL NOTE WE EXPECT THIS SCHOOL COMMITTEE ELECTION TO BE A REFERENDUM ON MELINDA BOONE’S PERFORMANCE EVEN WITH SIX MONTHS TO GO.

WE SEE LITTLE REASON FOR THIS TO CHANGE.

QUESTIONS OF THE SUPERINTENDENT’S LEADERSHIP HAVE SMOLDERED SINCE 2012 WITH THE CLAREMONT ACADEMY STRIKE, BUT NEVER TRULY RECEIVED A DEFINITIVE ANSWER. WITH TEACHER-SUPERINTENDENT RELATIONS AT THEIR WORST LEVEL SINCE JANICE HARVEY INSULTED MELINDA BOONE’S LOWER BACK TATTOO, THE IDEA OF THE MELINDA BOONE COMEDY HOUR NOT PLAYING A ROLE IN THIS ELECTION WOULD BE NAIVE AT BEST.

HAVING STATED THIS, WE NONETHELESS CONCEDE THAT MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN SIX MONTHS WHILE OUR TIME MACHINE AM IN THE SHOP. WE ALSO REMIND OUR READER THAT ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN WORCESTER POLITICS, ESPECIALLY WITH TURNOUT EXPECTED TO BE LOW AND A MORE CROWDED FIELD.

BUT DO NOT NOT TAKE OUR WORD FOR IT. AS ALWAYS, DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH. AND REMEMBER: WITH TURNOUT EXPECTED TO BE LOW, YOUR VOTE SHALL COUNT. COLORIO, WE SHOULD REMIND EVERYONE, WON BY RECOUNT — AND THAT WERE IN THOSE SALAD DAYS WHEN 19.91% TURNOUT WERE A TRIUMPH!!!!!

TO THE NEWCOMERS IN THIS RACE, WE HOPE YOU SHALL CONTINUE TO ESTABLISH YOUR PLATFORMS, STAY IN THE PUBLIC EYE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY… BE YOURSELVES.

… STRIKE THAT.

BE BRIAN O’CONNELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 thoughts on “COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!! (PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS)

  1. Ingredients

    Meat Mixture:

    1 1/2 pounds PINK SLIME
    1/2 cup seasoned breadcrumbs
    1 tablespoon ketchup
    2 teaspoons dry mustard
    4 dashes Worcestershire sauce
    1 cube beef bouillon, crumbled (or powdered beef base)
    Salt and pepper
    1 tablespoon butter
    1 tablespoon olive oil

    Gravy:

    1 whole onion, halved and thinly sliced (or diced if you prefer)
    2 cups beef broth, more if needed for thinning
    1 tablespoon ketchup
    1 teaspoon seasoning sauce, such as Kitchen Bouquet, optional
    4 dashes Worcestershire
    1 teaspoon cornstarch, optional
    Salt and pepper

    Gravy:

    1 whole onion, halved and thinly sliced (or diced if you prefer)
    2 cups beef broth, more if needed for thinning
    1 tablespoon ketchup
    1 teaspoon seasoning sauce, such as Kitchen Bouquet, optional
    4 dashes Worcestershire
    1 teaspoon cornstarch, optional
    Salt and pepper

    Directions

    For the meat mixture: Combine the ground beef, breadcrumbs, ketchup, dry mustard, Worcestershire sauce, bouillon and some salt and pepper. Knead until all combined. Form into 4 to 6 oval patties, and then make lines across the patties to give them a “steak” appearance.

    Fry the patties in a skillet with the butter and oil over medium-high heat on both sides until no longer pink in the middle. Remove from the skillet and pour off any excess grease.

    For the gravy: Reduce the heat to medium and add in the sliced onions. Stir and cook until golden brown and somewhat soft, for several minutes. Add the beef stock, ketchup, seasoning sauce, if using, and the Worcestershire. Then combine the cornstarch with a little beef broth and add to the sauce if using. Stir and cook to reduce.

    Add a sprinkle of salt and pepper and more broth if needed for thinning. Then return the patties to the gravy. Spoon the gravy over the top and let them simmer and heat back up for a couple of minutes.

    2012 Ree Drummond, All Rights Reserved

    Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ree-drummond/salisbury-steak-recipe.html?oc=linkback

  2. […] EFFORTLESSLY DECIDED THE 2015 WORCESTER SCHOOL COMMITTEE ELECTION BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED, WE NOW TAKE THE HERCULEAN TASK OF DECIDING WHO SHALL REPRESENT THE 5 […]

HAVE A COMMENT??? AMUSE ME OR SUFFER!!!!!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: