A MODEST PROPOSAL TO THE WORCESTER ART IN THE PARK VANDALS

PLEASE VISIT THIS LINK TO DONATE TO ART IN THE PARK DIRECTLY, AS THE MAYOR AND CITY MANAGER HAVE REQUESTED.

VANDALS HAVE DAMAGED THE ART IN THE PARK EXHIBIT.

WE OF COURSE TWEETED OUR USUAL PITHY COMMENT (NOW DELETED) ON SATURDAY MORNING ABOUT HAVING THE ART REMOVED BY THE CITY, NOT REALIZING POE’S LAW WOULD STRIKE 10-12 HOURS LATER WITH SOMEONE ARROGANT ENOUGH TO DEFACE AN EXHIBIT MEANT TO ENRICH THEIR LIVES.

THE CONVERSATION ABOUT CAMERAS AND/OR POLICE PRESENCE IN RESPONSE CAN WAIT. WE JUST CARE ABOUT THE VANDALS THEMSELVES RIGHT NOW.

 

WE HAVE A MODEST PROPOSAL.

 

WE PROPOSE THAT THE VANDALS WHO DEFACED THE ART IN THE PARK EXHIBIT BE GRANTED COMPLETE CRIMINAL AND CIVIL AMNESTY.

NO CHARGES.

NO LAWSUITS.

NOT EVEN SO MUCH AS A TICKET.

A COMPLETE LEGAL PASS. NO BUTS, ANDS OR IFS.

IN EXCHANGE FOR THIS AMNESTY, THEY WOULD ISSUE A STATEMENT. THIS WOULD INCLUDE:

  • FULL NAMES.
  • CITY OF RESIDENCE.
  • THE MISSION STATEMENT OF ART IN THE PARK.
  • A DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF THEIR ACTIONS.
  • A DETAILED EXPLANATION FOR THOSE ACTIONS.
  • AN APOLOGY TO ALL CITIZENS OF WORCESTER.
  • AN APOLOGY TO THE VISITORS TO ELM PARK.
  • AN APOLOGY TO THE ARTISTS WHOSE EXHIBITS WERE DAMAGED.
  • AN APOLOGY TO THE ARTISTS WHOSE EXHIBITS WERE NOT DAMAGED.
  • AN APOLOGY TO THE ORGANIZERS OF ART IN THE PARK, INCLUDING VOLUNTEERS WHO GAVE VALUABLE TIME AND EFFORT TO INSTALL THE EXHIBIT.
  • AN APOLOGY TO THE CHILDREN OF THE WORCESTER PUBLIC SCHOOLS WHO WORKED ON SOME OF THE EXHIBITS.
  • AN APOLOGY TO THE STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS FOR VANDALIZING AN INITIATIVE RECOGNIZED STATEWIDE.
  • AN APOLOGY TO THE FIREFIGHTERS AND FAMILIES OF FALLEN FIREFIGHTERS FOR UPSTAGING A DAY MEANT TO HONOR THOSE WHO WOULD GIVE THEIR LIVES FOR THEM IF NEED BE.
  • A STATEMENT ABOUT THE MEANING OF ART.
  • SIGNATURES.

THEY WOULD THEN BE SUBJECTED TO A LIE DETECTOR AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE, WHICH WOULD STILL BE LESS THAN THE COST OF REIMBURSING THE ARTISTS FOR THEIR DAMAGED PROPERTY. ANY STATEMENTS DETERMINED TO BE FALSE WOULD BE REWRITTEN UNTIL ALL STATEMENTS HAVE BEEN CONFIRMED TO BE TRUTHFUL.

A MODEST LATE FEE WOULD ALSO BE ASSESSED, NATCH, WITH ANY NONCOMPLIANCE RESULTING IN FULL CHARGES.

THIS APOLOGY WOULD THEN BE PRINTED IN A PAMPHLET TO BE DISTRIBUTED WITH THE REMAINDER OF THE STANDARD ART IN THE PARK PAMPHLETS, AGAIN AT THE VANDALS’ EXPENSE AND AGAIN, LIKELY FOR LESS THAN COURT COSTS OTHERWISE.

 

SOME OF YOU MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED SOMETHING LIKE “HANG THEM NEXT TO THE REMAINING EXHIBITS”. WE HAVE THREE REASONS TO DECLINE. FIRST, IT WOULD VIOLATE THE SPIRIT OF ART IN THE PARK: “[…] to present public art to a broad community, to promote the works of artists, enhance outdoor spaces, enrich lives and create visibility for the greater Worcester area.” SUCH A DISPLAY WOULD BE A BLATANT RIP-OFF OF GIOVANNI BATTISTA PIRANESI’S “CARCERI D’INVENZIONE” AND THEREFORE NOT ENRICHING.

SECOND, WE BELIEVE IT BE THE SORT OF UNFOCUSED RAGE THE VANDALS WOULD PREFER. WE CERTAINLY FELT THAT RAGE, AS MANY WOULD. BUT WE ALSO FELT PITY FOR THEIR LOSING SOMETHING SO VALUABLE WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT.

THIRD, THIS APPROACH WOULD ALSO WORK REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THE PERPETRATORS TURNED OUT TO BE DRUNKEN COLLEGE STUDENTS, BORED HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS WHO COULDN’T MAKE IT TO DENNY’S, REALLY HARD-UP KILBY POSSE MEMBERS, TERRORISTS SLUMMING IT, VICTIMS OF MIND CONTROL OR SASQUATCHES.

THE VANDALS WOULD LEARN LESSONS ABOUT PROPER ATTENTION-SEEKING BEHAVIOR, CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY, AND ART WHICH DID NOT TAKE THE FIRST TIME AROUND. THE REST OF US WOULD GAIN INSIGHT INTO WHY SOMEONE WOULD DESTROY ART WITHOUT BEING FROM BIZARRO WORLD.

AGAIN, PLEASE VISIT THIS LINK TO DONATE TO ART IN THE PARK DIRECTLY, AS THE MAYOR AND CITY MANAGER HAVE REQUESTED.

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