Monthly Archives: July 2015

COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MAIN EVENT.

AS ANYONE WHO EVER TRIED TO ASK FOR KICKBACKS CAN TELL YOU, THE TITLE OF WORCESTER’S MAYOR AM LARGELY CEREMONIAL. THE PRIMARY DUTIES OF THE MAYOR INCLUDE PRESIDING OVER THE CITY COUNCIL AND SCHOOL COMMITTEE. BUT ONE SHOULD NOT DISCOUNT THE OFFICE’S HIGH PROFILE. WHILE THE CITY MANAGER MIGHT DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING WITH REGARD TO BIGSHOT DEALS, THE MAYOR MUST SELL THOSE DEALS TO THE PUBLIC. THEY SERVE AS THE FACE OF WORCESTER.

THIS YEAR, BARRING A SENSATIONAL VIRAL CAMPAIGN FROM WILLIAM S COLEMAN III, WE HAVE TWO CANDIDATES FOR MAYOR:

MIKE GAFFNEY AND JOE PETTY.

WITH THE DEMOCRATIC CITY COMMITTEE GIVING THE REPUBLICAN CITY COMMITTEE A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY IN TERMS OF THROWING SAID MONEY AWAY, THIS SHOULD BE THE MOST CONTESTED MAYORAL RACE SINCE THE LUKES VS RUSHTON VS ROSEN THREE-WAY DANCE IN 2007. WE LIKE WELL-CONTESTED RACES, AS THEY BRING IN MORE VOTERS AND PROVIDE MORE GOOFY PHOTO OPS AND SOUND BITES.

TO THAT END, WE HAVE PROVIDED THE CANDIDATES (AND ONE SPECIAL GUEST) THE HIGHEST HONOR BIZARRO WORLD CAN OFFER: PHOTOSHOPS GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK.

WE REMINDER READERS… PREDICTIONS DO NOT EQUAL ENDORSEMENTS.

LET US NOT WASTE NO MORE TIME.

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GET PANHANDLERS OFF THE STREETS!!! SUPPORT THE SOUTH HIGH COLONELS!!!!!

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WE HAVE RECEIVED WORD THAT MR. MICHAEL MCAULIFFE BECAME THE NEW HEAD COACH OF WORCESTER’S SOUTH HIGH SCHOOL COLONELS, HAVING PAST SERVED AS AN ASSISTANT COACH FOR SEVERAL YEARS. INSTEAD OF RISKING ARREST BY CLOGGING UP STREETS AS IN YEARS PAST WITH RAMBUNCTIOUS YOUTH UNDER THE AGE OF 60, HE INSTEAD SHOCKINGLY TOOK A 21ST-CENTURY APPROACH TO FUNDING!!!!!

MEH, WHAT THE HEY. WE CONCEDE THE FLOOR:

Hello All!

My name is Michael McAuliffe and I am the new Head Coach for the Varsity Boys Football Team at South High Community School in Worcester Massachusetts. As the new Head Coach I would like to start the program off on the right foot and begin to establish a positive culture needed to be successful on and off the football field. I have taken an inventory of the equipment and supplies that the team has to work with and I was very disappointed. We are in dire need of blocking shields, stepover bags, blocking sleds, jerseys, footballs, and much more. We are planning on putting together as many fundraisers as we can this season but we still need a lot of help. My main goal is for the student athletes on the South High Football Team to become young men that value hard work, friendship, sportsmanship, and selflessness. Any help that you can provide will go a long way in reaching our goal and improving the lives of the young men at South High Community School.

Thank you!

The South High Football Team

PLEASE CONSIDER DONATING TO THE COLONELS’ GOFUNDME CAMPAIGN HERE.

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

ONE MIGHT THINK THE REAL POWER IN WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT WOULD LIE IN THE MAYOR’S OFFICE OR THE CITY MANAGER’S OFFICE OR OF THE GUY IN CHARGE OF DISTRIBUTING SHAQ ARIZONA STRAWBERRY CREAM SODA TO WORCESTER.

IN FACT, THE AT-LARGE COUNCILORS OF WORCESTER CONTROL WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT LARGELY BECAUSE ONCE ELECTED, THEY NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE POLITICS!!!!!! WHEN THE INVETTIBLE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST FINALLY STRIKES, THERE SHALL BE COCKROACHES… AND AT-LARGE COUNCILORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AN ASTONISHING 18 CANDIDATES WERE FIRST NAMED FOR THE FIELD. BUT PAUL COONEY JR AND RICK RUSHTON BOTH DECIDED THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE LIVES AND SO NOW WE HAVE A STILL-LIVELY FIELD OF 16 TO CULL TO 12 ON SEPTEMBER 8TH!!!!! BUT BEFORE THE SEPTEMBER RUN-OFF, IN WHICH WE EXPECT HUNDRED OF CITIZENS TO PARTICIPATE… WE IN BIZARRO WORLD SHALL MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU AND DECIDE WHO SHALL GOVERN YOUR MISERABLE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE WE PLAN TO SAVE THE MAYOR’S OFFICE FOR A FOURTH UPDATE TO STRETCH THIS NONSENSE EVEN FURTHER, MICHAEL GAFFNEY AND JOSEPH PETTY SHALL BOTH RECEIVE A SEPARATE UPDATE.

WE ASSUME PETTY AND GAFFNEY RETAIN THEIR COUNCIL SEATS.

AS ALWAYS, ALL CANDIDATES SHALL BE DIVIDED INTO THREE GROUPS WITH NAMES IN A VAGUE REFERENCE TO HUMOR. EACH CANDIDATE’S BIOGRAPHY SHALL INCLUDE EXPERT ARTISTIC RENDITIONS OF THEIR CAMPAIGN SIGNS, FOLLOWED BY NONSENSICAL INFORMATION AND THEN, WITH THE LEAD SUCCESSFULLY BURIED, AN ASSESSMENT OF THEIR CURRENT POSITION. THE LINKS FOR EACH CANDIDATE’S CAMPAIGN AM THE BEST WE COULD FIND WITH 2 MINUTES OF SEARCHING GOOGLE. DON’T HARASS ANYONE ON FACEBOOK, NERD.

NOTE: IN THE EVENT THAT WE CANNOT FIND A CURRENT SIGN TO CRUDELY REPRODUCE, WE SHALL EITHER FIND THE LAST ONE AVAILABLE ONLINE OR — IN THE INTERESTS OF UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED PSEUDO-JOURNALISM — JUST MAKE ONE UP. IF YOU FIND ANY SIGNS WE MISSED AND WISH THEM TO BE ACCURATELY MISREPRESENTED, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT OR OTHERWISE CONTACT US.

 

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PROGRAMMING NOTE: HOW TO RUN A 21ST-CENTURY CAMPAIGN FOR A 20TH-CENTURY CITY

MANY THEORIES ABOUND ON HOW TO RUN A SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN FOR OFFICE IN WORCESTER. MOST OF THEM SUCK. BUT THE ONE WE NEVER HEAR??? “YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH NOT USING THE TOOLS AVAILABLE TO YOU.”

IN 2009, FUTURE MAYOR JOE O’BRIEN BECAME ONE OF THE FIRST POLITICIANS IN WORCESTER TO USE TWO WEBSITES CALLED TWITTER AND FACEBOOK WHICH WERE OF COURSE NEVER HEARD FROM EVER AGAIN. HIS CAMPAIGN, THOUGH PERHAPS WITH A FEW TOO CLOSE INSIDER TIES FOR COMFORT, LEVERAGED THE INTERNET LIKE NONE BEFORE OR, FOR YOUR MONEY, SINCE.

THIS MIGHT SURPRISE YOU, BUT WE FIND THE INTERNET A USEFUL TOOL!!! FOR A MINIMAL INVESTMENT OF TIME, YOU RELAY A MESSAGE TO ANYONE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO STUMBLE ONTO YOUR WEBSITE!!!!!! NO PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE OF ANY KIND NECESSARY — JUST A KEYBOARD OR EVEN JUST YOUR PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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HOW EASY????

WE MADE THIS.

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