PROGRAMMING NOTE: HOW TO RUN A 21ST-CENTURY CAMPAIGN FOR A 20TH-CENTURY CITY

MANY THEORIES ABOUND ON HOW TO RUN A SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN FOR OFFICE IN WORCESTER. MOST OF THEM SUCK. BUT THE ONE WE NEVER HEAR??? “YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH NOT USING THE TOOLS AVAILABLE TO YOU.”

IN 2009, FUTURE MAYOR JOE O’BRIEN BECAME ONE OF THE FIRST POLITICIANS IN WORCESTER TO USE TWO WEBSITES CALLED TWITTER AND FACEBOOK WHICH WERE OF COURSE NEVER HEARD FROM EVER AGAIN. HIS CAMPAIGN, THOUGH PERHAPS WITH A FEW TOO CLOSE INSIDER TIES FOR COMFORT, LEVERAGED THE INTERNET LIKE NONE BEFORE OR, FOR YOUR MONEY, SINCE.

THIS MIGHT SURPRISE YOU, BUT WE FIND THE INTERNET A USEFUL TOOL!!! FOR A MINIMAL INVESTMENT OF TIME, YOU RELAY A MESSAGE TO ANYONE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO STUMBLE ONTO YOUR WEBSITE!!!!!! NO PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE OF ANY KIND NECESSARY — JUST A KEYBOARD OR EVEN JUST YOUR PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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HOW EASY????

WE MADE THIS.

THAT TOOK AN HOUR AND A HALF. COST US JUST TIME, INCLUDING GETTING DISTRACTED BY ONE OF OUR SCOTT BROWN CLONES WHO WANTED WALKIES.

THIS MESSAGE AM NOT TO THE INCUMBENTS. ALTHOUGH WE THINK THERE MIGHT BE A SMALL CHANCE OF BERGMAN BEING ON THE BUBBLE, WE EXPECT PETTY, GAFFNEY, TOOMEY AND LUKES TO RETURN TO OFFICE UNLESS WE SHOULD SEE A SUDDEN UPSWING IN VOTER TURNOUTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NO, THIS MESSAGE GO OUT TO CARMEN CARMONA, ROB SARGENT, RON O’CLAIR,  AND TO OUR SHOCK, WILLIAM COLEMAN III.

YOU CAN OF COURSE GET FANCY WITH MORE POLISHED TEMPLATES FOR SOMEWHERE AROUND $60-70. BUT WIX? 100% FREE. YOU JUST NEED TIME AND PATIENCE. NO HTML KNOWLEDGE. NO PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE. THE ONLY THING YOU MIGHT NEED? A LITTLE BIT OF GRAPHIC DESIGN TALENT. BUT IF YOU HAVE NO CAMPAIGN MANAGER, YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE A RELATIVE WHO HEARD OF THE INTERNET AND MIGHT HAVE HEARD OF SOME THING CALLED A BLOG.

ONLY IN THIS CITY COULD “FREE” BE CONSIDERED EXPENSIVE. YET WE STAND HERE SURGICALLY REWIRING OUR JAW TO OUR HEAD AFTER IT DROPPED. BECAUSE APPARENTLY, SOME PEOPLE WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF AM NOW STILL PEOPLE WE KNOW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT IN PART BECAUSE THEY FAILED TO UTILIZE FREE TOOLS. YOU HAVE A LOW-BUDGET OR EVEN FAUX-BUDGET CAMPAIGN??? FREE WEBSITES LIKE THESE COST YOU JUST TIME AND ENERGY; AT MOST, THE COST OF ENTRY WOULD BE $50 FOR A CHEAP CELLPHONE. YOU CAN BE A LUDDITE AND RUN FOR OFFICE IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE SO INTENSELY INTERESTING THAT YOU CAN GET OTHERS TO GENERATE ATTENTION ONLINE FOR YOU. BUT WE WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO STOP HEARING ABOUT YOU IF THAT WERE THE CASE.

IN SEVERAL DAYS, WE SHALL GOOF ON A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR THIS CITY. THE NEWCOMERS SEEM TO WANT THE JOB. BUT APPARENTLY WITH ONLY ONE SEAT ABSOLUTELY UP FOR GRABS, SOME OF THEM THINK THEY DON’T NEED TO GET THEIR NAMES OUT NOW.

WRONG.

GUESS WHAT, FOLKS? PHIL PALMIERI ACTUALLY HAD THE SPINE TO JOIN TWITTER. YES, THAT PHIL!!!!! EVEN IF YOU TAKE THE WORST CASE AND SAY THAT A RELATIVE OR A CAMPAIGN MANAGER OR WHATEVER POSTED UPDATES FOR HIM, YOU STILL NEED TO AT LEAST MEET PHIL PALMIERI’S BAR FOR ONLINE ACTIVITY TO STAND A CHANCE OF BEATING HIM. HE COULD STAND TO BETTER INTEGRATE IT INTO HIS CAMPAIGN, BUT FOR A TWITTER ROOKIE? AN EXCELLENT START.

YOU MIGHT THINK, “OH, PHIL JUST PUT PICTURES OF HIMSELF KISSING HANDS AND SHAKING BABIES.” TRUE. TO DATE, HE POSTED A MINIMAL AMOUNT ON CURRENT EVENTS AND POLICY. SO WHAT?? WHAT SHOULD HE PUT, PICTURES OF HIMSELF FARTING ALONG WITH THE DOHERTY HIGH MADRIGAL SINGERS?!?!?!? HE JUST TOLD PEOPLE WHAT HE DID!!!!!! YOU A CANDIDATE???? CONGLATURATIONS, YOU JUST BECAME INTERESTING!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUT THERE AND TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU DID, KNUCKLEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK AT MIKE GAFFNEY ON TWITTER. ALMOST NOTHING BUT SELFIES OF HIMSELF… BUT WHAT OF??? GOING OUT AND ACTUALLY TALKING TO PEOPLE. SIMPLE, SUBTLE, EFFECTIVE. YOU NEED NOT BE SHAKESPEARE. YOU EVER SEE THE TRAFFIC SUBCOMMITTEE??? ABOUT AS FAR FROM SHAKESPEARE AS YOU CAN GET, THOUGH AN EXCELLENT ALTERNATIVE TO JUDGE JUDY. BUT WE DIGRESS. THESE TWO EXAMPLES REINFORCE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE LEARNED IN FOUR YEARS AS A MEDIA GADFLY: YOU JUST NEED TO BE THERE.

WE SHALL GET TO NITPICKING INDIVIDUAL CAMPAIGNS LATER, HOWEVER. IN THE MEANTIME, WE RECOGNIZE TINA ZLODY, MATT WALLY, JUAN GOMEZ, KHRYSTIAN KING AND LINDA PARHAM FOR MANAGING AT LEAST THE BASICS OF AN ONLINE CAMPAIGN: REGULAR UPDATES, GOOD VISIBILITY WHEN WE TRY TO LOOK YOU UP ON GOOGLE, A DEDICATED CAMPAIGN WEBSITE, AND DECENT INTEGRATION OF ALL THE LINKS. THANK YOU FOR DEIGNING TO RUN A 21ST-CENTURY CAMPAIGN DESPITE WORCESTER NEVER REALLY MAKING IT PAST 1975.

TO THE REST OF YOU, WE HOPE YOUR POOR ONLINE SHOWING SHALL IMPROVE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CAMPAIGN. TO BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN WORCESTER, WE RECOMMEND YOU GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.

NOW.

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