COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MAIN EVENT.

AS ANYONE WHO EVER TRIED TO ASK FOR KICKBACKS CAN TELL YOU, THE TITLE OF WORCESTER’S MAYOR AM LARGELY CEREMONIAL. THE PRIMARY DUTIES OF THE MAYOR INCLUDE PRESIDING OVER THE CITY COUNCIL AND SCHOOL COMMITTEE. BUT ONE SHOULD NOT DISCOUNT THE OFFICE’S HIGH PROFILE. WHILE THE CITY MANAGER MIGHT DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING WITH REGARD TO BIGSHOT DEALS, THE MAYOR MUST SELL THOSE DEALS TO THE PUBLIC. THEY SERVE AS THE FACE OF WORCESTER.

THIS YEAR, BARRING A SENSATIONAL VIRAL CAMPAIGN FROM WILLIAM S COLEMAN III, WE HAVE TWO CANDIDATES FOR MAYOR:

MIKE GAFFNEY AND JOE PETTY.

WITH THE DEMOCRATIC CITY COMMITTEE GIVING THE REPUBLICAN CITY COMMITTEE A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY IN TERMS OF THROWING SAID MONEY AWAY, THIS SHOULD BE THE MOST CONTESTED MAYORAL RACE SINCE THE LUKES VS RUSHTON VS ROSEN THREE-WAY DANCE IN 2007. WE LIKE WELL-CONTESTED RACES, AS THEY BRING IN MORE VOTERS AND PROVIDE MORE GOOFY PHOTO OPS AND SOUND BITES.

TO THAT END, WE HAVE PROVIDED THE CANDIDATES (AND ONE SPECIAL GUEST) THE HIGHEST HONOR BIZARRO WORLD CAN OFFER: PHOTOSHOPS GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK.

WE REMINDER READERS… PREDICTIONS DO NOT EQUAL ENDORSEMENTS.

LET US NOT WASTE NO MORE TIME.

MAYOR JOSEPH “QUIET MAN” PETTY

CONSIDER THIS A BIZARRO GIFT, MR. RUSHTON. NOT EVERYONE CAN SAY THEY SAT NEXT TO JOHN RATZENBERGER.

“I think there’s a lot of good candidates, and… I think I’m one of them.”

Joseph Petty, Soapbox 582, WCCA-TV

 

PRO: EVERYBODY KNOW HIS NAME.

CON: QUESTIONABLE CHOICE IN DRINKING BUDDIES.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

THIS COULD NOT BE A WORSE TIME FOR PETTY TO FACE RE-ELECTION.

WITH HIS OFFICE AT UNPRECEDENTED ODDS WITH TEACHERS THANKS TO FIASCO AFTER FIASCO IN THE WORCESTER PUBLIC SCHOOLS, THE EXPECTED UNION SUPPORT FOR PETTY WOULD SEEM QUESTIONABLE AT BEST. HIS QUEST FOR AN EXAM SCHOOL ALSO DERAILED AS IN ORDER TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN, HE NEEDED THE SUPPORT OF SUPERINTENDENT MELINDA BOONE, THE ARCHITECT OF THOSE FIASCOES. HE ALSO TOOK THE WRONG SIDE OF THE SLOTS PARLOR DEBATE AND MORE RECENTLY, SHOWED FAR TOO MUCH ENTHUSIASM FOR THE INANE OPAQUENESS OF THE SEARCH FOR A CITY MANAGER.

CONSIDERABLY MORE PERSONABLE THAN ERUDITE, HE MUST USE THAT TO HIS ADVANTAGE. HOWEVER, AS NOTED BACK IN 2011 WHEN BOTH LUKES AND PETTY TOOK FIRE OVER BEING POTENTIAL PART-TIME MAYORS, THERE WERE QUESTIONS OVER WHETHER PETTY COULD MOUNT A SPIRITED CAMPAIGN WITH HIS OFFICE OSTENSIBLY LOCATED IN BOSTON. ALTHOUGH IT DID NOT SEEM TO AFFECT HIS ROLE AS MAYOR MUCH, IT ALREADY AFFECTED THIS CAMPAIGN. WE SEE HE ONCE AGAIN CHOSE EMAIL TO GET HIS MESSAGE OUT, BUT WE THINK HE FALTERED ON TWITTER.

WE HAVE SEEN PHOTOS OF PETTY LOOKING NOTABLY CASUAL RECENTLY. THESE SPONTANEOUS GLIMPSES INTO PETTY’S LIGHTER MOMENTS WHEN NOT RULING THE COUNCIL CHAMBER WITH AN IRON FIST HAVE BEEN REGRETTABLY FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. HE FACES A SOCIAL MEDIA BUTTERFLY AND THEREFORE MUST WORK DOUBLY HARD TO LOOSEN UP AND GET VOTERS TO GET OFF THEIR COLLECTIVE KEISTERS.

THERE SHOULD BE PLENTY OF MONEY AND POWER BEHIND HIS CAMPAIGN, WHICH WE NOTE SHALL NOT NECESSARILY GUARANTEE VICTORY IN THIS STATE, EVEN IN WORCESTER. BUT UNLIKE SOME OTHER MASSACHUSETTS POLITICIANS WHO MIGHT FAIL A TURING TEST, WE SEE SWIFT AND DECISIVE RESPONSE TO GAFFNEY’S BROADSIDES FROM PETTY. ON THAT NOTE, WE WOULD ALSO UNDERESTIMATE PETTY’S DEBATE SKILLS AT YOUR OWN PERIL. HE GOT IN SOME STRONG ARGUMENTS AGAINST LUKES IN THE 2011 DEBATES AND IT WOULD NOT BE UNHEARD OF FOR PETTY TO DO THE SAME AGAINST GAFFNEY.

WE HAVE SEEN PETTY’S CAMPAIGN PAINT GAFFNEY AS TOO FAR RIGHT FOR WORCESTER AND IN LEAGUE WITH A REPUBLICAN MACHINE WITH QUESTIONABLE SUCCESS. BUT WHERE THE WDCC FAILED, GAFFNEY HIMSELF MIGHT HAVE UNWITTINGLY SUCCEEDED WITH HIS CAMPAIGN AGAINST THE MOSAIC CULTURAL COMPLEX. HE CHOSE TO GO HOME OR GO BIG, AS A FINDING CLEARING MOSAIC WOULD STRENGTHEN THE CASE OF GAFFNEY PLAYING POLITICAL FAVORITES.

OF COURSE, A DRAWN-OUT AUDIT OR EVEN SOMETHING ROTTEN IN MOSAIC WOULD BE DISASTROUS FOR PETTY. BUT WE SHALL NOT COME TO THAT BRIDGE UNTIL WE CROSS IT.

FINALLY, PETTY MUST ONCE AND FOR ALL OVERCOME HIS PENCHANT FOR HARRUMPHING AT HIS OPPOSITION. PARTICULARLY REGARDING GAFFNEY’S FOCUS ON “SAFETY, SAFETY, SAFETY,” HE MUST REMIND VOTERS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID TO MAKE WORCESTER A SAFER PLACE AFTER FOUR YEARS AS MAYOR AND 18 YEARS ON THE COUNCIL, IN THE FACE OF A SUMMER WHERE EVERYWHERE IN THE CITY FROM SCHOOLS TO GRAVEYARDS TO ART IN THE PARK FELT LIKE A BATTLEGROUND NEEDING TO BE TAKEN BACK.

PETTY MUST EITHER FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS OR BE SENTENCED TO REMEDIAL CHATS WITH MAURO DEPASQUALE.

KEYS TO DEFEAT:

  • FAIL TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PERSONAL STRENGTHS.
  • MAKE ONLY A TOKEN PUSH TO INCREASE TURNOUT.
  • INEFFECTIVELY ATTACK OPPONENT’S REPUBLICAN CONNECTIONS.
  • MINIMIZE PUBLIC ISSUES WITHOUT OFFERING EFFECTIVE SOLUTIONS.

COUNCILOR MICHAEL “THE MACHINE” GAFFNEY

GLITCHED_AIDAN

OH NO, WE BROKE IT!!!! LET US TRY THAT AGAIN…

WE MADE HIS NECK LOOK A LITTLE TOO REPTILIAN. MEH.

“I even gave money to Rick Rushton.”

Michael Gaffney, 508 #226, WCCA-TV

 

PRO: WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO WIN.

CON: ON NETFLIX IN A CITY STUCK ON RADIO.

OUR SUPERIOR OPINION:

DEMOCRATS HAVE SHOWN A REMARKABLE FEAR OF THIS MAN.

THEY SHOULD BE EVEN MORE AFRAID.

EASILY THE SMARTEST WORCESTER CITY COUNCILOR IN YEARS, BY A MILE. HE WON HIS FIRST MAJOR VICTORY ON THE COUNCIL WITH A TRULY DEVIOUS FEINT. IF YOU WANT AN IDEA OF WHAT GAFFNEY MIGHT BE LIKE AS MAYOR, SEE HIS TENURE PRESIDING OVER THE TRAFFIC SUBCOMMITTEE WITH BERGMAN AND LUKES. CONSIDER IT WORCESTER’S ANSWER TO THE PEOPLE’S COURT: SURPRISINGLY EFFICIENT AND ENGAGING. THIS WOULD BE IN DRAMATIC CONTRAST TO HIS OPPONENT, WITH A NO-NONSENSE AND OFTEN GRUFF APPROACH IN COUNCIL SESSIONS.

WE ALSO SEE AN INSISTENCE ON POUNCING ON FAVORABLE INFORMATION, A TRAIT WE WOULD EXPECT OF A SEASONED ATTORNEY WHOSE ADS OF YORE PUT HIM ON PAR WITH THE LIKES OF JOSEPH J. CARIGLIA, BARRY FEINSTEIN AND EVEN JIM SOKOLOVE. GAFFNEY POSITIONED HIMSELF AS MR. PUBLIC SAFETY IN THIS ELECTION, ATTACKING PETTY FOR FAILING TO ADEQUATELY ADDRESS THE ISSUE AFTER YEARS OF OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO.

IN BOTH THIS CAMPAIGN AND HIS LAST ONE, WE HAVE NOT SEEN A CANDIDATE EMBRACE AND ASSIMILATE SOCIAL MEDIA THIS MUCH SINCE JOE O’BRIEN DECIDED HE WOULD RATHER BE SANE THAN BE MAYOR OF WORCESTER AGAIN. HE HAVE SHOWN ENTHUSIASM FOR THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX, AS SEEN ON “THE WIRE” VIRAL MARKETING VEHICLE 508 WORCESTER, AND A RESISTANCE TO NEATLY FITTING INTO STEREOTYPES. DANGEROUS TRAITS IN WORCESTER POLITICS.

ON THE DOWNSIDE, GAFFNEY’S TOM MENINO-ESQUE STRATEGY OF ENTERTAINING ANYONE AND EVERYONE IN THIS CITY WITH EVEN A HINT OF A FAVORABLE WORD TOWARDS HIM RESULTED IN BEING TIED TO THE TED MCGINLEY OF WORCESTER BLOGS.

US. YEAH, HE RETWEETED US A FEW TIMES AND RECENTLY LIKED OUR FACEBOOK PAGE.

OH, AND HE ALSO RETWEETED TURTLEBOY SPORTS A LOT. GAFFNEY SCORED A MINOR VICTORY AGAINST THEIR COMMON ENEMY — THE MOSAIC CULTURAL COMPLEX — WITH THE RECENT AUDIT. HOWEVER, WE FOUND HIS FAILING TO BRING FORTH A GENERAL AUDIT TO AVOID THIS MANEUVER LOOKING EVEN REMOTELY LIKE A PERSONAL VENDETTA, REGARDLESS OF ANY PROBABLE CAUSE, TO BE A SURPRISING MISSTEP.

AGAIN, GAFFNEY WOULD BENEFIT FROM A SLOW AUDIT OR, OF COURSE, MALFEASANCE. BUT MOSAIC BEING CLEARED WOULD STRENGTHEN THE CASE OF GAFFNEY BEING FAR LESS INDEPENDENT THAN HE LET ON.

IT SHOULD THEREFORE NOT SURPRISE US THAT DESPITE SEEMING MORE MODERATE THAN REPUBLICAN AT THIS EARLY STAGE IN HIS POLITICAL CAREER, GAFFNEY MIGHT BE THE ONE BEING WORKED. SHOULD THIS RACE SUCCESSFULLY BE FRAMED AS A PARTISAN SLUGFEST, EVEN WITH THE X-FACTOR OF LOW TURNOUT, PETTY WOULD HAVE AN ADVANTAGE. GAFFNEY MUST THEREFORE POSITION HIMSELF AS A VOICE OF REASON AGAINST AN ENTRENCHED POLITICAL MACHINE.

AND ALSO POST PICTURES OF HIS CATS.

KEYS TO DEFEAT:

  • FAIL TO DEMONSTRATE CRITICAL THINKING IN THE FACE OF POLITICAL SILLY SEASON.
  • ALLOW RACE TO BECOME A PARTISAN SLUGFEST.
  • CONTINUE FEUD WITH MOSAIC CULTURAL COMPLEX WITHOUT OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE.
  • THINK INSIDE THE BOX.

PREDICTION:

ON PAPER, JOSEPH PETTY SHOULD WIN.

PAUL GIORGIO SUGGESTED THIS WOULD BE AN EASY WIN FOR JOSEPH PETTY AND IF ANYONE KNOW HOW TO BRING OUT VOTES, IT WOULD BE HIM.

… ALLEGEDLY.

ANYWAY, WITH 44% OF WORCESTER VOTING DEMOCRATIC AND 9% REPUBLICAN ACCORDING TO A RECENT WORCESTER RESEARCH BUREAU BRIEF, THERE SHOULD BE NO QUESTION OF OUR NEXT MAYOR. DESPITE HORRENDOUS TURNOUT IN 2013, PETTY TROUNCED KONSTANTINA LUKES WITH A 58% VICTORY OVER HER DISMAL 27%.

BUT IN 2013, WE HAD NO UPROAR OVER LIVES MATTERING, SCHOOL SAFETY OR MORE SENSELESS VIOLENCE THAN USUAL. WE HAD NO TALKS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE SEEKING SOLUTIONS TO THIS CITY’S PROBLEMS FROM ITS CITIZENS, ALL OF WHICH WE EXPECT ED AUGUSTUS JR TO TAKE CREDIT FOR. WE HAD NO DOGS EJECTED FROM PARKS NOT EVEN IN OUR CITY LIMITS. WE HAD NO ART UNDER ASSAULT. WE ALSO DID NOT HAVE A CHALLENGER FOR PETTY WITH THE SHEER RELENTLESS TENACITY OF ONE MICHAEL GAFFNEY.

GAFFNEY WAGED A ONE-MAN WAR AGAINST A BEWILDERINGLY INCOMPETENT DEMOCRATIC MACHINE WHILE CASUALLY SIDESTEPPING THE DEBRIS FROM THE ABSURDLY INEPT REPUBLICAN MACHINE. PETTY MAY HAVE THE MORE POWERFUL FRIENDS, BUT UNLIKE GAFFNEY, HE THUS FAR PREFERRED TO USE HIS OFFICIAL APPEARANCES AND EMAIL SPAM TO MAKE HIS CASE FOR RE-ELECTION. THIS WOULD SEEM A POOR WAY TO INCREASE TURNOUT FROM THE 86% OF REGISTERED VOTERS WHO SAT OUT THE 2013 ELECTION.

RELIABLE SOURCES FOR VOTES HAVE ALSO CHANGED. IN THE PAST, VICTORIES FOR UNION-FRIENDLY CANDIDATES MUCH LIKE BILL EDDY AND MICHAEL GERMAIN WOULD HAVE BEEN NO-BRAINERS, MUCH LIKE BILL EDDY AND MICHAEL GERMAIN. YET GAFFNEY DID THE UNTHINKABLE IN COURTING TEACHERS AND MIGHT ACTUALLY STAND A CHANCE OF GETTING THEIR VOTE.

THIS YEAR, WE HAVE ALL OF THE ABOVE AND LIKELY MORE TO COME COMPLICATING THE RACE FOR MAYOR. YET EVEN WITH A COMPETITIVE FIELD OF CANDIDATES IN THREE LOCAL RACES, EVEN WITH TECHNOLOGY MAKING IT SO EVEN A MONKEY COULD RUN A STRONG CAMPAIGN, EVEN WITH OUR CITY ACTUALLY SEEING PROTESTS OTHER THAN IN FRONT OF HOSPITALS AND SCHOOLS, EVEN WITH EVERY POSSIBLE REASON TO VOTE… WE PREDICT TURNOUT TO DROP.

AND THEREFORE, WITH SO MANY FACTORS OUT OF PETTY’S HANDS THAT NORMALLY WOULD BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED…

WE PREDICT MICHAEL GAFFNEY TO BE THE NEXT MAYOR OF WORCESTER.

 

GAFFNEY USED SOCIAL MEDIA WITH EFFECTIVENESS UNMATCHED BY ANY OTHER CANDIDATE THIS YEAR. HE CAPTURED EVERYTHING THAT MADE KONSTANTINA LUKES A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH — THE DISDAIN FOR USING THE COUNCIL AS A BLUNT OBJECT, THE ATTORNEY’S EYE FOR CONTRADICTION, THE SHEER CHUTZPAH TO REMAIN DEFIANT IN THE FACE OF OPPOSITION — AND ACTUALLY GOT RESULTS. HE CAPITALIZED ON OPPORTUNITIES TO MAKE HIS PRESENCE ON THE COUNCIL KNOWN.

THE ONLY THING THAT COULD GUARANTEE A PETTY VICTORY WOULD BE UNPRECEDENTED TURNOUT. SHOULD THE MOSAIC AUDIT REVEAL NOTHING MORE THAN MILDEW AND GROUT, PETTY MUST STILL OVERCOME THE CHALLENGE OF GETTING OUT THE VOTE. WE SEE ONE SUB-MINOR MEDIA ORGANIZATION SUGGEST TURNOUT COULD BE “CLOSE TO DOUBLE” COMPARED TO LAST YEAR. WE FIND THIS AN EXTRAORDINARILY OPTIMISTIC PREDICTION.

ON THAT NOTE, WE WARN BOTH CANDIDATES: ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN WITH LOW TURNOUT. LIKE, SAY, A VITRIOL-SPEWING FACEBOOK PAGE MOCKING A VITRIOL-SPEWING BLOG.

EXCUSE US. WE MEANT A SATIRE PAGE MOCKING A SATIRE BLOG. SORRY, TURTLEBIGOT SHORTS. (EDIT: SHOCKINGLY REMOVED BY THE FACEBOOK MACHINE; NOD OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT TO MR. ROZEVICIUS FOR THE TIP)

 

SO TO BOTH GAFFNEY AND PETTY, WE SAY THIS:

POUND THAT SHOE LEATHER.

SHAKE THOSE HANDS.

GET THOSE SELFIES TAKEN.

ACCEPT SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE, FROM VIA TO MADVAPES.

ROCK THE VOTE.

BECAUSE YOU CANNOT BE MAYOR OF WORCESTER WITH BIGSHOT BACKING ALONE.

 

WITHOUT A MANDATE FROM THE PEOPLE, YOU MAY AS WELL BE THE MAYOR OF BIZARRO WORCESTER.

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4 thoughts on “COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM)

  1. Turtlebigot Shorts was taken down by the Facebook machine.

  2. […] OUT THESE NUMBERS OTHER THAN TO PROVE OUR SUPERIORITY IN USING THE WINDOWS CALCULATOR????? IN THE MAYORAL RUNDOWN, WE LINKED AN ARTICLE WHICH PREDICTED TURNOUT WOULD DOUBLE […]

  3. […] SPOILER: NONE OF THE LOSERS SHALL BE us. WE GOT ALL OUR PREDICTIONS RIGHT. ESPECIALLY OUR PICK FOR MAYOR. […]

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