COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (SEPTEMBER RECAP)

THE PRELIMINARIES HAVE GONE AND COME. THROUGH OUR DEFT SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE CAMPAIGN USING THE FIRST LETTERS OF EVERY SENTENCE IN JANICE HARVEY’S WORCESTER MAGAZINE COLUMNS, WE SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO SAY “TGIUTLYHIGHLIGEUYTIUITRIYW” AND BOOST PRELIMINARY TURNOUT TO 11.2%!!!!!

PITIFUL THOUGH THIS MAY BE, WE AT LEAST ESCAPED THE IGNOMINY OF A TURNOUT EVEN MORE ABYSMAL THAN 2011. THEREFORE, NOW THE TIME HAVE COME FOR A PREMATURE CELEBRATION!!!!!!!! WE WERE PLEASED ENOUGH WITH OUR INFORMAL RANKINGS TO GLOAT FAR BEYOND OUR TALENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS A RESULT, WE PRESENT A LOOK AT THE WINNERS AND/OR LOSERS THUS FAR, INCLUDING A FEW OFFHAND PREDICTIONS WE SHALL COMPLETELY DENY HAVING MADE LATER.

ONE MORE THING BEFORE THE REST OF OUR GLORIOUS ARTICLE: WE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ALL THE CANDIDATES, INCLUDING THOSE STILL IN THE RUNNING, FORCED OUT, AND THOSE WHO SIMPLY WITHDREW

… THANK YOU.

 

SCHOOL COMMITTEE

 

MOLLY MCCULLOUGH, WE WERE WRONG ABOUT YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN UPGRADED FROM BOROMIR TO EOWYN.

10-witch-king-death[1]

SHE IMPROVED HER GAME IN THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE RACE, CLARIFYING HER POSITION AND STEPPING UP HER CAMPAIGNING; SO MUCH, IN FACT, THAT WE NOW EXPECT THE MEAT OF THE RACE TO BE BETWEEN HER AND TRACY O’CONNELL NOVICK. MCCULLOUGH NEEDED TO DO HER HOMEWORK AND TO OUR SHOCK, SHE ACTUALLY DID. DONNA COLORIO COULD SCORE A VICTORY STILL, BUT WE HAVE NOT YET SEEN ENOUGH OF HER TO TRULY GAUGE WHAT IMPACT SHE SHALL HAVE ON THE ELECTION.

COTEY COLLINS COULD ALSO EARN A SCHOOL COMMITTEE SEAT, AND HE REMINDED EVERYONE OF HIS SIGNATURE TALKING POINT: DROP THE ZERO AND GET YOURSELF A HERO!!!!! BUT WE THINK HIS FISH-SLAPPING DANCE WITH NOVICK BACK IN JUNE BACKFIRED. DISAGREEMENTS CAN AND SHOULD HAPPEN ON ANY COUNCIL. HOWEVER, IN A JOB WHERE YOU NEED TO WORK WITH PEOPLE YOU DON’T LIKE ON A DAILY BASIS, ONE CAN ILL AFFORD TO OUTRIGHT INSTIGATE A BROUHAHA. OR EVEN A KERFUFFLE. OR JUST A TIFF.

ALTHOUGH WE THINK COLLINS GOT THE WORST OF IT, WE FELT NOVICK AND COLLINS DAMAGED THEIR STOCKS SOME. IN LIGHT OF MCCULLOUGH’S RECENT PERFORMANCE, THIS WOULD SEEM A COSTLY ERROR, BUT WE SHALL SEE WHAT HAPPEN IN NOVEMBER.
 

DISTRICT COUNCIL

 

IN DISTRICT 1, TONY ECONOMOU HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN SOME FUNDRAISING BECAUSE APPARENTLY A 70/30 VICTORY OVER CINDY NGUYEN AM NOT ENOUGH OF A BEATDOWN.

DISTRICT 2 SAW THE MOST ACTION WITH THE RACE NOW OFFICIALLY DOWN TO CANDY MERO-CARLSON AND JENNITHAN CORTES, BUT THEN DEFEATED CHALLENGERS ANA SEQUERA AND LARRY SHETLER UNITED WITH CORTES TO FORM THE DREAD GOD CORTSEQUETLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CORTSEQUETLER

AS THE MERO-CARLSON/CORTES RACE AM DISTRICT 2’S ANSWER TO A BLUE JAYS-CARDINALS WORLD SERIES, WE CAN NOW PREDICT TWO THINGS: 1) WE SHALL FALL ASLEEP IF WE TRY TO COVER THIS RACE FOR MORE THAN 30 SECONDS AND B) WE PREDICT CARLSON TO BE THE ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ………….

MEANWHILE, IN DISTRICT 4, JACKIE KOSTAS HAVE APPARENTLY MADE LITTLE HEADWAY AGAINST INCUMBENT SARAI RIVERA. WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS CANDIDATE’S CHANCES, CAMPAIGN MANAGER KEVIN KSEN INSISTED HE DIALED THE WRONG NUMBER AND HUNG UP ON US.
 

AT-LARGE COUNCIL

 

WE EASILY CLAIMED 5 OUT OF THE TOP 6 AS EVEN A MONKEY DRESSED LIKE GUY GLODIS COULD, ALTHOUGH WE WERE SURPRISED TO SEE WHO DID CLAIM #6: MATT WALLY. CLEARLY, HIS MESSAGE OF “TAKING BACK” WORCESTER AS WELL AS SIGNAGE CONSISTENT WITH FHWA GUIDELINES APPEALED TO VOTERS IN THE PRELIMINARY MORE THAN WE HAD GUESSED. JUAN GOMEZ, KHRYSTIAN KING AND ROB SARGENT TRAILED WALLY, WHICH MEAN WE SHOULD GET AROUND TO PUTTING UP A REAL ENTRY FOR MR. SARGENT’S PRICE IS RIGHT-CALIBER GLITZY SIGNAGE AFTER ALL.

ROB SARGENT: COOL RAD BRO!!!!!

BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!

 

NEXT, AFTER HIS STUNNING 11TH-PLACE SHOWING IN THE PRELIMINARIES, PHIL PALMIERI MADE YET ANOTHER STUNNING DECISION AND LEFT THE RACE. WE WERE DISAPPOINTED BY PALMIERI’S PERFUNCTORY CAMPAIGN AS ALTHOUGH HE PUT TOGETHER A DECENT ONLINE PRESENCE, HE RELIED ON HIS REPUTATION OUTSIDE DISTRICT 2… AND IT ONLY BARELY CARRIED HIM THROUGH THE PRELIMINARIES. ENOUGH NOT SAID. THIS DID ALLOW FOR LINDA PARHAM TO JOIN THE PARTY, AND WE HOPE SHE SHALL BRING MORE ENERGY TO HER CAMPAIGN APPEARANCES SHOULD SHE ACCEPT. WE RECOMMEND A PORTABLE DEFIBRILLATOR.

 

LAST AND LEAST, WE FIND WILLIAM COLEMAN III.

BILL, BILL, BILL… WE HAVE LONG SINCE PASSED THE DAYS WHEN “GRASS ROOTS” MEANT “DISORGANIZED BUT PLUCKY”. IF INSANITY AM DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS, WE CONGLATURATE SUSAN LUCCI III ON RUNNING WORCESTER’S MOST INSANE CAMPAIGN FOR 30 YEARS.

YEAH. 30 YEARS.

LISTEN, THURSTON HOWELL III. EMBRACE THE MACHINE!!!! GIVE IT 50/50 LOVE!!!!!!! OR FAILING THAT, FIND MORE PLACES TO SPREAD THE GOSPEL OF BILL!!!!!!!!!!!! BECOME A YOUTUBE SUPERSTAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONVINCE NIKI LUPARELLI AND/OR DALE LEPAGE TO RECORD “I’VE GOT A CRUSH ON COLEMAN”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT AM UNHOLY… DO SOMETHING THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

NO, WE DID NOT FORGET OUR #6 PICK, TINA ZLODY. TO BE UNFAIR, ZLODY DID WELL FOR A FIRST-TIME CANDIDATE IN 10TH PLACE. BUT IN LIGHT OF HER RECENT BIZARRO KONSTANTINA LUKES IMPERSONATION (WHICH WE GIVE A -3 — NEED MORE CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!) WE BELIEVE SHE MUST DO MORE STUDYING.

ZLODY DID WELL WITH ESTABLISHING A LONG-TERM VISION, BUT WE SEE HER #1 WEAKNESS AS POOR EXECUTION OF THE STEPS TOWARD SAID VISION AND POOR SELLING OF HER ABILITY TO DO THE SAME. WE CONSIDER A COUNCILOR WITH POOR EXECUTION OF GOOD PLANS AS UNNECESSARY AS A COUNCILOR WITH GOOD EXECUTION OF POOR PLANS. AGAIN, ALTHOUGH WE NEED CANDIDATES WITH A FRESH OUTLOOK ON WORCESTER, ZLODY MUST EXPLAIN MORE CLEARLY HOW TO GET THERE FROM HERE IN ORDER TO STAND ANY CHANCE OF WINNING.

 

BUT TO ZLODY AND ALL OTHERS LEFT IN THE RACE WHO DID NOT MAKE THE TOP 6, WE OFFER A NUGGET OF POORLY RESEARCHED HOPE FROM 2007: DENNIS IRISH AND GRACE ROSS FINISHED 5TH AND 6TH THAT YEAR. NEITHER WON. MICHAEL GERMAIN IMPROVED HIS STANDING FROM 7TH TO 6TH, WHILE WITH A LEAP FROM 9TH TO 5TH… NONE OTHER THAN JOE PETTY. WE BELIEVE THIS COULD STILL BE ANYONE’S RACE.

….

…..

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, COLEMAN’S.
 

MAYOR

 

MIKE GAFFNEY PUT FORTH A DECENT STRIP POKER FACE FOLLOWING THE PRELIMINARY, BUT HE GOT PANTSED.

… WE SPENT THREE DAYS COMING UP WITH THAT ONE.

PETTY COULD STILL LOSE GIVEN THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF LOW TURNOUT, BUT CLAIMING THE TOP SPOT IN THE COUNCIL RACE WOULD SEEM AN OBVIOUS VOTE OF CONFIDENCE. WERE TURNOUT HIGHER, WE WOULD EXPRESS MORE CONFIDENCE IN HIS VICTORY. IF WE WERE PETTY, HOWEVER, WE WOULD NOT BE PREPARING OUR TWO-YEAR PLAN JUST YET DESPITE GAFFNEY’S FOURTH-PLACE FINISH BEHIND ORIGINAL G LUKES IN THE COUNCIL RACE.

IN THE COMING WEEKS, WE EXPECT GAFFNEY TO ATTACK PETTY’S TENURE MORE AGGRESSIVELY. THE NARRATIVE FROM HIS TWITTER FEED HAVE BEEN ONE OF BUILDING SUPPORT ONE-ON-ONE WITH INDIVIDUAL VOTERS FIRST, WHILE ATTACKING PETTY AND SUBTLY TROLLING THE WDCC SECOND. WE SHALL SEE WHETHER GAFFNEY CAN SUCCESSFULLY FRAME PETTY AS TOO FAR REMOVED FROM HIS CONSTITUENTS.

AND OF COURSE, COLEMAN DID ENTER THE MAYORAL RACE ONCE AGAIN.

COLEMANBUDDHA

WHILE THIS COULD BE GOOD FOR GAFFNEY, WE WERE UNIMPRESSED BY THE FIRST MAYORAL DEBATE IN WHICH WE FOUND COLEMAN TO HAVE WON (!!!) LARGELY ON THE GROUNDS THAT WE DID NOT CONFUSE HIM FOR WILLIAM FEEGBEH. WE STILL EXPECT COLEMAN TO FINISH THIRD, BUT AT LEAST HE CAN STAND ON A PLATFORM OTHER THAN RELYING ON VOTERS TO ACCIDENTALLY FILL IN THE WRONG BOX ON THE BALLOT.

WE STILL THINK THIS RACE TO BE VERY CLOSE AND, LIKE MY MITOCHONDRIA, HIGHLY UNSTABLE.

 

SELF-AGGRANDIZING CONCLUSION

 

TO EVERYONE STILL IN THE RACE, WE WOULD ADVISE YOU TO TRULY SHOW YOURSELF TO BE THE ENERGETIC FORCE WORCESTER NEED. WE CONSIDER TOM MENINO THE GOLD STANDARD OF CIVIC ENGAGEMENT, FAMOUSLY GETTING SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS WHEREVER AND WHENEVER HE COULD.

THE CHALLENGERS MUST DO THE SAME.

ASSUME YOU NEED TO FIGHT FOR THIS JOB.

ASSUME YOU CANNOT RELY ON ANY VOTES.

ASSUME NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHY YOU DESERVE TO REPRESENT WORCESTER.

GIVE THEM A REASON TO VOTE FOR YOU.

 

AND TO POTENTIAL VOTERS…

… AM YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?!?!?

IN THIS RACE, YOU HAVE EASILY THE WIDEST SELECTION OF CANDIDATES ONE COULD NOT ASK FOR!!!!! WITH THE AT-LARGE RACE, YOU HAVE A GUARANTEE THAT AT LEAST ONE OF THE COUNCIL MEMBERS SHALL BE DIFFERENT. IN THE MAYOR’S RACE, YOU HAVE WHAT SHOULD BE A TRULY WELL-FOUGHT CONTEST FEATURING A HORSE RACE BETWEEN PETTY AND GAFFNEY WITH AT LEAST A BETTER THIRD WHEEL THAN EMMANUEL TSITSILIANOS. IN THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE, YOU HAVE A WIDE-RANGING SELECTION OF COMPETENT CANDIDATES FOR AND AGAINST MELINDA BOONE, AS WELL AS POSSIBLY HAVING OTHER OPINIONS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN ANY EVENT, WE SEE LITTLE EXCUSE FOR WHY ANYONE SHOULD NOT VOTE. PARTISAN OR NONPARTISAN, LEFT OR RIGHT OR SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN, VOCAL OR SOFT-SPOKEN, INTELLECTUAL OR GLIB, VETERAN OR ROOKIE… WE ONLY RARELY SEE A FIELD THIS DIVERSE.

SO TO YOU, THE CITIZEN-SLAVES OF WORCESTER, WE REMIND YOU THAT YOU GET ONE CHANCE A YEAR TO REMOVE YOUR SHACKLES, AND ON NOVEMBER 3RD YOU GET THAT CHANCE.

WE CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, IN PART BECAUSE WE HAVE A MALFUNCTIONING LIMBIC SYSTEM…

 

VOTE.

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