THE BIZARRO WORCESTER TICKET

INTIMIDATED BY THE BALLOT??

CONFUSED BY WORCESTER’S MEGABUCKS-STYLE COUNCIL ELECTION PROCESS????

LOOKING FOR OUR BIZARRO TICKET TO MAKE YOUR VOTING LIVES EASIER ON NOVEMBER 3RD?!?!?!?!?!?

LOOK NO FURTHER, CITIZEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE ALREADY MADE PREDICTIONS REGARDING THE WORCESTER ELECTIONS FOR SCHOOL COMMITTEE, CITY COUNCIL AND MAYOR, WHICH WE GUARANTEE TO BE AT LEAST 1% ACCURATE, AND WHICH WE MADE PROBABLY WAY TOO PREMATURELY. BUT EVEN THOUGH WE CAN RIG THE ELECTIONS WITH ONE SNAP OF OUR FINGERS, WE UNDERSTAND SOME OF YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW WHO WE WOULD VOTE FOR IF SUCH A THING WERE NOT AN ABOMINATION IN BIZARRO WORLD.

WE HIGHLY RECOMMEND BLOC VOTING (AS HAVE LESSER BLOGS) AND WE UNDERSTAND OTHER MORE RESPECTABLE SITES SHALL BE GIVING ENDORSEMENTS IN THE NEXT 2-3 MONTHS IF THEY HAVE NOT ALREADY. WE WOULD DO THE SAME. JUST ONE PROBLEM…

WE DO NOT HAVE A BIZARRO TICKET.

NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!!!!!!!!

WE GENERALLY LIKE TO AVOID ENDORSING ANYONE UNTIL THEY HAVE FIRST GIVEN US AT LEAST A C-NOTE OR 50. AND AS WE SAID BEFORE, OUR PREDICTIONS SHOULD NOT IN ANY WAY BE MISTAKEN FOR ENDORSEMENTS. OUR PREDICTIONS REPRESENT A GRADUAL SHIFT IN INERTIA (YES, THAT WOULD INCLUDE A NEW MAYOR) AND WITH FEW EXCEPTIONS, NOT PERSONAL PREFERENCE.

BUT WE RECOGNIZE THAT PICKING SIX CANDIDATES FOR COUNCILOR AT-LARGE AND SIX FOR SCHOOL COMMITTEE CAN BE A DAUNTING TASK EVEN FOR SEASONED VOTERS. THEREFORE, WE OFFER THE FOLLOWING VOTER CHEAT SHEETS, REQUIRING NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER EXCEPT ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU RELIED ON SOME NITWIT WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND USE IMPROPER VERB FORMS TO PICK YOUR VOTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(NOTE: WE HAVE OMITTED THE DISTRICT PICKS FOR THE SAKE OF EFFICIENCY/SLOTH.)

 


OPTION 1: LAZYTOWN

MAYOR

PETTY

AT-LARGE COUNCIL

PETTY – GAFFNEY – TOOMEY – LUKES – BERGMAN – GOMEZ

SCHOOL COMMITTEE

O’CONNELL – MONFREDO – BIANCHERIA – FOLEY – RAMIREZ – NOVICK

 

OUR FIRST BALLOT AM SIMPLY EVERYONE CURRENTLY ON THE COUNCIL. AFTER PALMIERI DROPPED FROM THE RACE, WE PICKED THE NEXT-BEST THING: GOMEZ, LAST SEEN ON THE COUNCIL EIGHT YEARS AGO.

 

PRO: NO SURPRISES.

CON: NO CHANGE. OR HOPE.

 


OPTION 2: THE RESET BUTTON

MAYOR

COLEMAN

AT-LARGE COUNCIL

ZLODY – SARGENT – KING – GAFFNEY – PARHAM – WALLY

SCHOOL COMMITTEE

D’ANDREA – COLORIO – MCCULLOUGH – COLLINS

 

ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS TICKET WOULD PUT FORTH AN ENTIRELY NEW CROP OF CANDIDATES TO DESPISE IN TWO YEARS. THIS WOULD BE A MAJOR WAKE-UP CALL, ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT TAKE SOME TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHO TO BRIBE WITH SO MANY NEW FACES.

PRO: A FRESH PERSPECTIVE ON WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT.

CON: ONE LESS ALTERNATIVE TO MATLOCK RERUNS.

 


OPTION 3: TAKE BACK WORCESTER FOR RON PAUL BANNERS

MAYOR

GAFFNEY

AT-LARGE COUNCIL

GAFFNEY – LUKES – GOMEZ – SARGENT – WALLY

SCHOOL COMMITTEE

BIANCHERIA – COLLINS – COLORIO – MCCULLOUGH – D’ANDREA – O’CONNELL.

 

“LEFT” AND “RIGHT” HAVE BEEN THE ONLY BANNED WORDS IN BIZARRO WORCESTER. WE FIGURE SINCE DIRECTIONS AM DIFFICULT ENOUGH TO GIVE IN A CITY WITH SEVEN HILLS, WE SHOULD UP THE ANTE. IN ADDITION, AS ANTI-SOCIALISTS, WE CONCEDE TO NOT BEING QUICK ON THE UPTAKE WITH REGARD TO WORCESTER’S GOP (FEEL FREE TO SUGGEST ALTERNATIVES IN THE COMMENT SECTION). BUT WE UNDERSTAND SOME OF YOU HAVE SHOWN AN INTEREST IN FREEING WORCESTER FROM THE CLUTCHES OF DEMOCRATS. THEREFORE, WE FELT WE SHOULD AT LEAST ATTEMPT TO THROW YOU A CLICKBAIT BONE.

ALL OF THESE CANDIDATES HAVE SHOWN AT LEAST MILD DISINTEREST IN THE GREAT DEMOCRATIC MOOTS AT G BAR AND THEREFORE WOULD AT LEAST BE ADEQUATE ALTERNATIVES. WE DID LUMP IN REPUBLICANS WITH LIBERTARIANS AND AT LEAST ONE TEA PARTY BRANCH AS WELL AS THE DELEGATION FROM RONALD O’CLAIR’S HOME PLANET. BUT WE FIGURE YOU CAN SORT ALL THAT OUT IF THE PLEIADES SHOULD SOMEHOW SPONTANEOUSLY REFORM INTO A 4977508404564896153198741505134106-MILE TALL CHINCHILLA AND THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GET ELECTED. WE ALSO REALIZE WALLY AM FAR FROM THE CANAL CREW, BUT HIS MESSAGE OF “OPTING IN” WOULD RESONATE WELL WITH THE CALL TO JUST PACK IT IN AND SPLIT WORCESTER BETWEEN PAXTON AND HOLDEN, WITH UNDESIRABLES RELOCATED TO MILLBURY.

ALTHOUGH WE COULD NOT FIND ENOUGH AT-LARGE CANDIDATES TO GUARANTEE A 6-VOTE MAJORITY, WE FIGURE TONY ECONOMOU COULD ROUND THINGS OUT AT #6.

NEEDLESS NOT TO SAY, THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE AM NOT WHAT ONE MIGHT CALL A RIGHT-WING PARADISE. YET REMARKABLY, WE THINK THE BIANCHERIA-COLLINS-COLORIO JUGGERNAUT COMBINED WITH GAFFNEY WOULD BE ENOUGH TO GIVE JANICE HARVEY A SERIES OF HEART ATTACKS FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS, DESPITE HER HATRED FOR PETTY’S LEADERSHIP. WE ALSO INCLUDED MCCULLOUGH AND D’ANDREA FOR THEIR PRO-LAW ENFORCEMENT POLICIES AND O’CONNELL FOR BEING SUCH A FISCAL WATCHDOG HE MADE KONSTANTINA LUKES LOOK LIKE JAY-Z IN THE MOST DATED POP CULTURE REFERENCE WE MADE ON THIS BLOG IN MONTHS.

 

PRO: WORCESTER WOULD BECOME #1 EXPORTER OF LIBERAL TEARS.

CON: KSEN ALERT INFRARED.

 


OPTION 4: GRANOLA BARS FOR EVERYONE

MAYOR

WILLIAM S COLEMAN III

AT-LARGE COUNCIL

ZLODY – COLEMAN – KING – WALLY – PARHAM

SCHOOL COMMITTEE

RAMIREZ – NOVICK – MONFREDO

 

PICKING A PRO-DEMOCRAT TICKET WOULD BE TOO SIMPLE BECAUSE AS JUST SHOWN, IT WOULD BE FAR HARDER TO PICK AN ANTI-DEMOCRAT TICKET. INSTEAD, WE AIMED EVEN FURTHER LEFT WITH THE MOST STAUNCH LIBERALS, SOCIALISTS AND/OR REGULARS ON 508 WORCESTER WE COULD FIND ON THE BALLOT. IN ESSENCE, WE WOULD CONSIDER THIS BALLOT PROOF THAT DESPITE HALF THE COUNCIL BEING SELFIE BUDDIES WITH STATE REP JAMES MCGOVERN, WE COULD INDEED SHIFT EVEN FURTHER LEFT IN WORCESTER IF WE SO DESIRED.

AGAIN, YOU ALL CAN DEBATE OVER WHETHER TO EAT AT G BAR OR NU CAFE. BUT WE SHOULD NOTE ONE IMPORTANT DETAIL: NONE OF OUR SIX AT-LARGE CANDIDATE PICKS FOR THIS BALLOT WERE INCUMBENTS.

REMARKABLY, WE CONSIDERED MANY OF THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE CANDIDATES UNFIT FOR THIS PARTICULAR NOVEMBER REVOLUTION. BELOVED FISCAL ROTTWEILER BRIAN O’CONNELL CONSISTENTLY CITED A NEED TO TIGHTEN THE BUDGET WITH THE EFFICIENCY OF A VICTORIAN CORSET BEFORE CONSIDERING SOMETHING AUDACIOUS LIKE FUNDING THE SCHOOL BUDGET TO ITS MINIMUM. ALL FOUR CHALLENGERS CITED PUBLIC SAFETY AND BUDGET CONTROL AS TOP CONCERNS, WHEREAS LEAVING NO SERVICE UNFUNDED WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE FOR THIS GROUP.

HOWEVER, SINCE WE ONLY NEED 4 VOTES FOR A SCHOOL COMMITTEE MAJORITY (INCLUDING THE MAYOR), THE BULLET BALLOT WOULD SUFFICE.

 

PRO: INVETTIBLE BERNIE SANDERS VISIT TO NORTH HIGH WITH A MEDAL OF HONOR FOR JANICE HARVEY.

CON: TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM RUPTURE IF COLEMAN ORGANIZED RALLY AGAINST HIMSELF.

 


OPTION 5: THE RUBBER STAMP

MAYOR

PETTY

AT-LARGE COUNCIL

PETTY – TOOMEY – BERGMAN – COLEMAN – PARHAM – WALLY

SCHOOL COMMITTEE

FOLEY – MONFREDO – RAMIREZ – MCCULLOUGH – NOVICK – D’ANDREA

 

THIS TICKET SHOULD BE THE FAVORITE FOR THOSE WHO DISLIKE SEEING ANYTHING BUT 11-0 VOTES ON THE COUNCIL AND 7-0 ON THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE. REMARKABLY SIMILAR TO OPTION 1.

ALTHOUGH WE HAVE NOT SEEN A GREAT DEAL OF DATA FROM MATT WALLY REGARDING SUPPORT FOR COUNCIL DECISIONS, WE HAVE LITTLE REASON TO BELIEVE THEY WOULD VOTE AGAINST THE GRAIN. PARHAM HAVE PROVEN , WHILE CARMONA AM ESSENTIALLY A MIRROR-UNIVERSE ANSWER TO SARAI RIVERA EXCEPT WITH SHORTER HAIR AND A BRIGHTER CAMPAIGN SIGN.

THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE PROVED A MORE DIFFICULT NUT TO UN-CRACK. WE COULD NOT FIND SIX CANDIDATES WHO WOULD RELIABLY RUBBER-STAMP ANYTHING JOE PETTY TOLD THEM TO APPROVE. SOME MIGHT CALL THIS A GOOD THING, BUT WE HAVE TO WRITE RECOMMENDATIONS!!!!! WOE UNTO US!!!!!!!!!!

THEREFORE, WE CAME UP WITH SIX PEOPLE WE THINK WOULD ARGUE THE LEAST WITH THE MAYOR.

….

…..

NEEDLESS NOT TO SAY, THIS SECTION BORED US SO MUCH WE FORGOT TO COMPLETELY UPDATE IT FROM WHEN WE THOUGHT CARMONA MIGHT HAVE HAD A SHOT AT MAKING THE TOP 12. BUT IF YOU AM READING THIS, YOU PROBABLY WOULD NOT VOTE THIS TICKET ANYWAY.

 

RIGHT?

 

PRO: MINIMAL ARGUMENTS.

CON: MINIMAL INTEREST.

 


OPTION 6: THE TWO-RING CIRCUS

MAYOR

PETTY

AT-LARGE COUNCIL

GAFFNEY – COLEMAN – WALLY – LUKES – ZLODY – SARGENT

SCHOOL COMMITTEE

NOVICK – BIANCHERIA – COLORIO – COLLINS – MONFREDO – D’ANDREA

 

WE LIKE CLOSE VOTES ON COUNCILS. THEY DEMONSTRATE THE IMPORTANCE OF REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNMENT AND IDEAS THAT WITHSTOOD A TRUE TRIAL BY FIRE. ON THE OTHER HAND, WE PICKED THESE CANDIDATES AS THE ONES WHO WOULD COLLECTIVELY TURN THE COUNCIL CHAMBER INTO A WAR ZONE. WE AIMED FOR A COMBINATION OF STRONG OPINIONS, AWFUL IDEAS, SHAMELESS SELF-AGGRANDIZATION AND ABOVE ALL MAXIMUM ENMITY.

WE THINK BETWEEN TINA ZLODY, KONSTANTINA LUKES AND GARY ROSEN, YOU COULD HAVE SHOUTING MATCHES SO LOUD THE POLICE WOULD BE CALLED INTO THE ESTHER HOWLAND CHAMBER FOR A NOISE VIOLATION. WE SUSPECT GAFFNEY ACTUALLY WOULD START MONOLOGUING TO THE CAMERA IF THIS COUNCIL CAME TO PASS, IF HE WERE NOT TOO BUSY ARGUING WITH CANDY MERO-CARLSON.

THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE FOR THE MOST PART ATTRACTED EVEN-KEEL CANDIDATES. BUT WE THINK WE COULD GET SOME GOOD GIF MATERIAL FROM A COLLINS-NOVICK BROUHAHA OR EVEN A PETTY-COLORIO STANDOFF.

LASTLY, ALTHOUGH WE PICKED PETTY FOR MAYOR, WE DID NOT PICK HIM FOR AT-LARGE COUNCIL. WHAT WOULD THAT MEAN??? WHO WOULD BE MAYOR????? WHATEVER THE ANSWER, WE GUARANTEE NO ONE WOULD BE PLEASED.

 

PRO: DIVERSITY OF THOUGHT REPRESENTED.

CON: SO MANY INFLATED EGOS AND EXPLOSIVE TEMPERS YOU WOULD THINK WE WERE LOOKING AT WORCESTER’S ANSWER TO THE MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE AS USED TO RECREATE THE HINDENBURG DISASTER.

 


OPTION 7: BAD HAIR DAYS

MAYOR

PETTY

AT-LARGE COUNCIL

PETTY – BERGMAN – COLEMAN – WALLY – ZLODY – LUKES

SCHOOL COMMITTEE

FOLEY – MONFREDO

 

POLITICIANS AM NOT KNOWN FOR BEING PARTICULARLY GOOD WITH HAIR. IN WORCESTER, SOME ENTERPRISING SOULS TURNED THIS INTO A CAUSE CÉLÈBRE.

OF THE NEWCOMERS, WE WERE DEEPLY IMPRESSED BY MATT WALLY’S TRIBUTE TO 80’S BOB BARKER!!!!!

MEANWHILE, ALTHOUGH WE HAVE PREVIOUSLY APPROVED OF TINA ZLODY’S HAIR, WE THOUGHT WITH HER ESTABLISHED FLAIR FOR GRAPHIC DESIGN AND FASHION, SHE MIGHT DO WELL AS THE COUNCIL’S ANSWER TO THE DELIGHTFUL BETTY SLOCOMBE FROM ARE YOU BEING SERVED!!!!!!!!!!!! SINCE WE REEK OF THE ’70S ANYWAY, WHY NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT BY PLACING BETS ON WHAT COLOR WIG ZLODY WOULD WEAR TO THE NEXT COUNCIL SESSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLUE??? GREEN????? BLONDE??????? RAINBOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHO NEED DRAFTKINGS WHEN YOU HAVE LOCAL POLITICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE WERE ALSO REMINDED TO INCLUDE KONSTANTINA LUKES. WE RESISTED AT FIRST BECAUSE WE FELT HER TRUMP-ESQUE COIFFURING WENT AROUND FULL CIRCLE TO BECOMING GOOD AGAIN, AND ALTHOUGH WE WOULD NOT CLASSIFY HER CURRENT ANSWER TO A PIXIE CUT TO BE A SUCCESS, AT LEAST SHE HAD THE STONES NOT TO EMPLOY ANY OBVIOUS SIGNS OF FAKE HAIR. HOWEVER, WE CANNOT IGNORE THAT “THE KONSTANTINA LUKES” MADE IT INTO A ZANZO MOXIE COMIC STRIP (TAH PIT TO ANYONE WHO PROVIDE THE LINK), SECURING HER A PERMANENT STATUS ON THIS LIST WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT.

 

MEANWHILE, ON THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE SIDE… AN EASY BULLET VOTE.

PRO: COULD FILM A SEQUEL TO AMERICAN HUSTLE IN THE COUNCIL CHAMBER WITHOUT HAVING TO CHANGE ONE DAMN THING.

CON: IMPENDING STRIKE FROM ROB ROY.

 


OPTION 8 – OUR PERSONAL OPINION

… SHYEAH, AS IF.

 

WE CONCEDE WE HAD ONE PERSONAL FAVORITE OVER THE COURSE OF OUR COVERAGE OF WORCESTER’S ELECTIONS, WHICH WE SEE NO NEED TO REPEAT HERE. TO BE UNFAIR, WE THINK IT WOULD BE SIMPLE ENOUGH TO TELL WHO WE WOULD VOTE FOR ANYWAY.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY…

WE DO NOT CARE WHO YOU VOTE FOR AS LONG AS YOU VOTE.

 

LET US REVIEW ONE IMPORTANT FACT THAT WE SHALL POUND MERCILESSLY INTO THE GROUND IF WE HAVE NOT ALREADY: 1/6 OF THIS CITY OFFERED A MANDATE TO ITS CURRENT ADMINISTRATION IN 2013. WITH THE PRIMARIES, THAT NUMBER SHRUNK TO 1/9. ALTHOUGH IT SHOULD RISE AGAIN, WE WANT TO BE CLEAR THAT REGARDLESS OF ANY LETTERS FROM BIGSHOTS TO THE CONTRARY, THESE PEOPLE MAKE POLICY DECISIONS FOR THIS CITY. THEY DECIDE WHAT YOU CAN DO ON THE STREET. WHERE YOU CAN GO FOR WORK. WHERE YOU CAN GO WHEN NOT WORKING. HOW LONG YOU CAN STAY OUT. POLICE PRESENCE. THE NUMBER OF TREES NEARBY. WHERE AND HOW CHILDREN IN THIS CITY RECEIVE AN EDUCATION.

WHOSE LIVES MATTER.

THESE MAY BE MINUSCULE ISSUES COMPARED TO THE WIDER SCALE OF THE WHITE HOUSE OR CONGRESS OR EVEN BEACON HILL. WE WOULD ARGUE, HOWEVER, THAT LOCAL GOVERNMENT CAN PROTECT A CITY THROUGH ITS WORST TIMES AND PUSH IT TO EVEN GREATER HEIGHTS IN ITS BEST WITH GOOD PEOPLE IN CHARGE.

THEREFORE, YOU SHOULD TAKE THE TIME TO LOOK INTO ALL THE CANDIDATES. SEE THEIR PRESENCE ONLINE. GO TO THEIR STANDOUTS. WATCH THEM IN FORUMS AND DEBATES. AND ABOVE ALL, DO YOUR OWN DAMN RESEARCH. WE MEAN THIS NOT IN THE “SOUND IT OUT, HURRR” GLENN BECK WAY IN WHICH WE ASK YOU TO LOOK SOMETHING UP KNOWING FULL WELL WE CANNOT BE DISPROVEN. BUT LITERALLY… YOU SHOULD MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION ON YOUR OWN AND ALSO, REGARDLESS OF THEIR OPTIMAL ENTERTAINMENT VALUE, FIND AT LEAST A MORE RELIABLE SOURCE THAN A WEBSITE RUN BY AN ANONYMOUS SCHMUCK.

OR SCHMUCKS, AS THE CASE MIGHT NOT BE.

 

EITHER WAY, YOU NEED ONLY TAKE ONE HOUR’S WORTH OF RESEARCH OUT OF THE NEXT TWO AND A HALF WEEKS — WHICH YOU CAN DIVIDE INTO SOMETHING LIKE 5 MINUTES A DAY IF YOU WISHED — TO BE AN INFORMED VOTER. AFTER THAT HOUR, YOU MIGHT AGREE WITH US. YOU MIGHT DISAGREE. YOUR MIND MIGHT NOT BE CHANGED IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. AND WE REALIZE AROUND 1900 WORDS OF BLATHERING WITH A BIG WALL OF TEXT MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST WAY TO DO THIS. BUT THIS AM HOW WE ROLL, KIDDOS. THE HOMESTUCK OF WORCESTER POLITICAL HUMOR, BABY. RIGHT HERE.

THEREFORE, WE END WITH A PREDICTABLE, BUT NEVER NOT HEARTFELT MESSAGE…..

 

 

NOVEMBER 3RD.

 

VOTE.

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