THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS: A RAMBLING RECAP OF THE BEST, THE WORST, AND THE INVETTIBLE

FOREMOST AND FIRST, WE THANK ALL VOTERS WHO WENT TO THE POLLS IN SPITE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO WRITE IN A BIZARRO VOTE. WE KNOW THIS MADE YOUR CHOICE DIFFICULT.

ALTHOUGH WE CANNOT CLAIM A TRUE SENSE OF PRIDE OVER A 21.3% TURNOUT (DESPITE IT BEING THE HIGHEST TURNOUT BY PERCENTAGE SINCE 2009, AS NOTED BY BIG SMARTY-PANTS REPORTER AND SPELLCHECK-BREAKER NICK KOTSOPOULOS), WE CAN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE THAT IT TROUNCED 2013’S TURNOUT OF 14.4%!!!!!

THEREFORE, LET US TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE 2015 ELECTIONS IN WORCESTER.

SPOILER: NONE OF THE LOSERS SHALL BE US. WE GOT ALL OUR PREDICTIONS RIGHT. ESPECIALLY OUR PICK FOR MAYOR.

 

BEST WORCESTER POLITICAL NEWCOMER:

KHRYSTIAN KING

 

AFTER ALL THE VOTES WERE COUNTED, KHRYSTIAN KING TOOK THE 6TH AND FINAL AT-LARGE COUNCIL SEAT BY A MERE 77 VOTES OVER 7TH-PLACE FINISHER JUAN GOMEZ. THERE COULD BE A RECOUNT GIVEN THE SLIMMEST OF MARGINS, BUT IN THE MEANTIME, WE CANNOT REMEMBER THE LAST COUNCILOR WHO WENT TO GREAT BROOK VALLEY VOLUNTARILY.

WE DEMONIZE THE POOR A GREAT DEAL IN THIS CITY. IT MAKE FOR GOOD POLITICS!!! THEY TYPICALLY VOTE THE LEAST DESPITE HAVING THE MOST TO GAIN. AND DESPITE THE COUNTLESS NUMBERS OF ACTIVISTS IN THIS CITY, FEW HAVE MANAGED TO CONVINCE THEM TO VOTE ON ANY SIGNIFICANT SCALE. HOWEVER, WE EXPECT WITH KING ON THE COUNCIL, THAT SHOULD BEGIN TO CHANGE. WE LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING WHAT KING CAN DO FOR WORCESTER’S MOST VULNERABLE CITIZENS OTHER THAN THE CURRENT STRATEGY OF USING THEM AS CRASH TEST DUMMIES.

 

WORST VICTORY SPEECH:

SARAI RIVERA

SARAIPE_JACKIE

WE WERE DISAPPOINTED TO SEE THAT THE MONTHS OF SCARE TACTICS BY JACQUELINE KOSTAS AND THE WORCESTER REPUBLICAN CITY COMMITTEE GOT THE BETTER OF SARAI RIVERA. TRULY, THE VOTERS OF DISTRICT 4 VOTED AGAINST THEIR OWN SELF-INTERESTS!!!!! HOW COULD THEY FALL PREY TO BASE, SCURRILOUS MACHINE TACTICS????? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??????????

PARDON?? RIVERA WON 68-32?

….

…..

 

IF WE WERE RIVERA, WE WOULD HAVE ASKED THE WRCC TO ATTACK HER MORE OFTEN!!!!! HAD KOSTAS AND CAMPAIGN MANAGER KNOWLTON NOT MADE THE STRATEGIC ERROR TO BACK KOSTAS WITH A REPUBLICAN MACHINE TO COUNTER THE DEMOCRATIC MACHINE, RIVERA MIGHT HAVE LOST!!!!!!!!!!!

LESSON TO ALL FUTURE DISTRICT CANDIDATES: IF YOU FOCUS ON WHAT THE MACHINE YOU CURB-STOMPED FAILED TO DO, THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING. BE GRACIOUS IN VICTORY AS WELL AS DEFEAT, UNLESS YOU CONTROL THE MEDIA LIKE WE DO.

 

BEST REASON TO BRING POPCORN TO CITY COUNCIL MEETINGS:

CANDY MERO-CARLSON

[BIZARRO NOTE: INSERT CLEVER PHOTOSHOPPED IMAGE OF MIKE GAFFNEY AS GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD VS MERO-CARLSON AS THE SWORD MASTER HERE.]

WE CANNOT MAKE ANY STRONG PREDICTIONS ABOUT MERO-CARLSON’S CONTRIBUTIONS TO WORCESTER POLITICS JUST YET. SHE SHALL REPLACE COUNCIL FIXTURE PHIL PALMIERI, AND THEREFORE MIGHT TAKE A BACK-SEAT DESPITE HER TENURE AS A BIGSHOT. BUT AS A VETERAN OF THE WORCESTER DEMOCRATIC CITY COMMITTEE, WE DO EXPECT ONE THING OF MERO-CARLSON: TO PICK UP WHERE RUSHTON AND PALMIERI LEFT OFF WITH THE TIME-HONORED SPORT OF LUKES-BASHING. AND, OF COURSE, THE NEW PASTIME OF INSULT SWORDFIGHTING WITH MIKE GAFFNEY!!!!!!!!!!!

WE RECOGNIZE THE NEED FOR THE COUNCIL TO BE SOMETHING THE PUBLIC TO LOOK UP TO. THEY TACKLE SERIOUS ISSUES WHICH AFFECT THE FUTURE OF WORCESTER, AND THEY SHOULD SET AN EXAMPLE FOR US ALL.

… BUT IN THE ABSENCE OF THAT, THEY NEED TO AT LEAST MAKE FOR GOOD TV.

 

WORST BIZARRO LUKES IMPERSONATION:

TINA ZLODY

BIZARRO_ZLODY

… SEE??? NEED MORE POSTERIZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ALTHOUGH WE SAW (AND STILL SEE) GREAT POTENTIAL IN TINA ZLODY, HER SCATHING REFUTE OF A KONSTANTINA LUKES TRADEMARK TANTRUM COST HER DEARLY. NOT BECAUSE WE DISAGREE THAT LUKES CONTRIBUTED VERY LITTLE TO WORCESTER OTHER THAN A CRITICAL EYE… BUT BECAUSE ZLODY INCORRECTLY BLAMED THIS PERENNIAL PAPER TIGER FOR WORCESTER’S PROBLEMS.

WE BELIEVE THE TRUTH TO BE MUCH MORE INSIDIOUS.

THE TRUE ARCHITECTS OF WORCESTER’S MISFORTUNES WERE NOT NAYSAYERS, BUT YEASAYERS: CHARISMATIC AND WELL-CONNECTED LEADERS WITH THE BEST OF INTENTIONS… BUT WITHOUT VISION, LOGIC, OR HUMILITY. ANY OPPOSITION WERE TREATED WITH THE SAME BROAD STROKES OF SIMILAR — IF NOT GREATER — INTOLERANCE. IN SUCH A MANNER, OUR LEADERS PRESSED ON WITH THE WORCESTER AIRPORT MOVE, THE GALLERIA, THE CURRENT WRTA HUB DESIGN, THE PUBLISHING OF PROSTITUTION SUSPECTS’ NAMES ONLINE (15K-15O; NOTE TIM MURRAY’S CONTRIBUTION AT 15L), AND POLICIES WHICH HELPED BRING ABOUT OUR PRESENT OPIOID CRISIS… ALL WITH INCREASINGLY SLIMMING MANDATES.

ADDITIONALLY, WE ARGUE THAT NAYSAYING ALONE SHOULD NEVER BE DISCOURAGED. LET US NOT FORGET THAT DISAGREEING ON WORCESTER HAVING A PESSIMISTIC FUTURE CAN ALSO BE CONSTRUED AS NAYSAYING!!!!!

WHEN ZLODY BLASTED LUKES, AND FOR THE ONE THING SHE NEVER ACTUALLY DID, ZLODY BECAME PART OF THE PROBLEM.

 

THAT NOT SAID, ZLODY STATED SHE WOULD BE BACK IN 2017. SHE SHOULD. DRAW, LOSE OR WIN, WE NEED MORE BUSYBODIES IN OUR ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!! SO PLEASE RETURN WITH YOUR SILLY NOTIONS LIKE WORCESTER BEING WORTHY OF TAKING PRIDE IN, OR PLANS TO IMPROVE WORCESTER NOT INVOLVING SOYLENT GREEN.

 

BEST NEW PUNDIT:

RICK RUSHTON

TROLL_RUSHTON

WE SEE RUSHTON ALREADY MAKING THE TRANSITION TO SPENDING MORE TIME “WITH HIS FAMILY”, WHICH OF COURSE AM CODE FOR “POSTING INCOHERENT HALF-HEARTED FLAMES ON TWITTER“!!!!!!

WE CLEARLY SEE AN EFFORT BY RUSHTON TO JOIN GUY GLODIS AS A GO-TO WORCESTER POLITICAL TALKING HEAD. OR, AT LEAST, HE SHALL CEMENT HIS PLACE AS THE TIM MCCARVER OF WORCESTER POLITICS. EITHER WAY, HIS ONLINE PRESENCE GUARANTEED THAT HE SHALL BE SUCCESSFUL AT ONE THING: ENSUING HILARITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST LOOK AT HIS JUVENILE USE OF CAPITALIZATION AND PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN ANYONE POSSIBLY READ THAT GARBAGE??????????????????

 

BEST PROOF NOBODY WATCHED 508 WORCESTER (INCLUDING US):

LINDA PARHAM

GUILTY AS CHARGED.

WE MISSED POSSIBLY ONE OF THE MOST PASSIONATE INTERVIEWS EVER ON 508 WORCESTER. WE DID NOT NECESSARILY SEE POLISH OR POLITICAL ACUMEN. BUT WE DID SEE SOMEONE WHO DESERVED BETTER THAN A 12TH-PLACE FINISH. WHERE SHE HAD PREVIOUSLY COME ACROSS AS LUKEWARM IN SOME INTERVIEWS AND PHOTO OPS, PARHAM SHOWED FIRE HERE. SHE SHOWED LEGITIMATE INTEREST IN MAKING WORCESTER A PLACE SOMEONE MIGHT ACTUALLY WANT TO LIVE AND DO BUSINESS IN. SHE SHOWED A GENUINE WARMTH NOT GENERALLY ASSOCIATED WITH WORCESTER POLITICS.

WE SAW SOMEONE WHO TRULY AND DEARLY LOVED WORCESTER. AND NOW WE ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR RIFFING ON HER SIGN.

….

…..

ALMOST.

 

WORST NIGHTMARE OF TURTLEBOY SPORTS:

TRACY O’CONNELL NOVICK

 

WE SAW THE GLEE…

… AND WE TOO HAD OUR DISAGREEMENTS WITH THIS WONKIEST OF POLICY WONKS. DESPITE BEING THE BEST OF FRENEMIES, WE UNDERSTAND WHY ONE WOULD TAKE EXCEPTION TO HER AS A POLITICIAN. POINT IN CASE: THE MELINDA BOONE FLIP-FLOP WHERE NOVICK VOTED TO RECALL ONE YEAR, BUT NOT THIS YEAR.

HOWEVER, TO ALL OF HER DETRACTORS, WE HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU:

 

WHY WOULD YOU EVER BE HAPPY ABOUT TRACY NOVICK HAVING MORE SPARE TIME?!?!?!?!?

 

YOU HAD A POLITICIAN!!!!!!!!! THEY CAN BARELY LIFT THEIR HEADS TO GIVE ANYONE WITHOUT A CAMERA THE TIME OF DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW SHE DO NOT HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE INTERESTED WHENEVER DONNA COLORIO TALK ABOUT THE SWEATER SHE KNITTED. OR HER PUSH TO BRING THE PILLORY TO NORTH HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CROSSED THE STREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU BROKE THE SEVENTH SEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU REMOVED THE “DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW” TAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOON SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TIME TO SLOW DOWN AND EXPLAIN HERSELF BETTER SO THE LAY UNWASHED MASSES CAN BETTER UNDERSTAND HOW THE WORCESTER PUBLIC SCHOOLS CAN SPEND HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND HAVE ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO EXPENSE PIZZAS FROM CIAO BELLA, YET ALSO CHARGE TEACHERS FOR THEIR OWN FINGERPRINTING!!!!!!

DO YOU FOOLS REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE????????????????????????????????

YOU UNLEASHED A PUNDIT.

 

ANTICLIMACTIC CONCLUSION:

OVERALL, WE CONSIDER THIS ELECTION ONE WORCESTER CAN BE PROUD OF. IT FEATURED STIFF COMPETITION IN NEARLY EVERY RACE, A CONCERTED EFFORT BY EVERYONE IN THE MEDIA TO KEEP VOTERS INFORMED, AN ILLUMINATING (IF NOT ALWAYS EXCITING) SERIES OF DEBATES AND FORUMS, AND OF COURSE THE ELECTION COMMISSION’S REALIZATION THAT THEY MIGHT WANT TO ENCOURAGE REGISTERED VOTERS TO DO WHAT THEY REGISTERED TO DO.

WE SAW THE BEGINNINGS OF MANY PROMISING POLITICAL CAREERS, AND ALSO RON O’CLAIR’S. YESTERYEAR’S NAMES OF CLANCY, PALMIERI, HALLER, O’BRIEN AND LUKES HAVE GIVEN WAY TO RUSSELL, MERO-CARLSON, RIVERA, KING AND… LUKES.

IN WORCESTER POLITICS, TORCHES DO NOT PASS AS OFTEN OR AS QUICKLY AS SOME MIGHT LIKE. BUT THEY DO PASS. AND WE BELIEVE THIS ELECTION TOOK ANOTHER STEP IN THE CHANGING OF THE POLITICAL GUARD IN PLACE SINCE THE EARLY 2000S, A PROCESS WHICH STARTED LAST YEAR WHEN GAFFNEY AND BERGMAN REPLACED GERMAIN AND O’BRIEN.

THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTION CAME DOWN TO THREE ISSUES: SAFETY, SAFETY, SAFETY. GAFFNEY AND LUKES MADE THEIR CASE TO DISSATISFIED VOTERS AND WON BIG. BUT WE MAINTAIN A ROUGHLY EQUAL AMOUNT OF VOTERS BELIEVED IN THE CURRENT LEADERSHIP, AS DEMONSTRATED BY PETTY, TOOMEY AND BERGMAN ALL KEEPING THEIR SEATS. ON THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE SIDE, WE SAW ANOTHER SPLIT. WITH COLORIO A LOCK FOR THE SEAT, RAMIREZ COULD NOT WIN. AND NOVICK PUT UP A HELL OF A CAMPAIGN, BUT GOT POLITICALLY OUTMANEUVERED BY MCCULLOUGH.

SPEAKING OF MOLLY MCCULLOUGH… KEEP YOUR EYE ON HER. SHE PROMISED INDEPENDENCE, AND SHE SHOULD BE THE SWING VOTE ON AN OTHERWISE EVENLY SPLIT SCHOOL COMMITTEE. THAT SHALL BE PUT TO THE TEST EARLY ON, AS SHALL PETTY IF HE SHOULD HAVE ANY HOPE OF EVER SEEING HIS WHITE WHALE OF AN EXAM SCHOOL HARPOONED UNDER HIS WATCH. HE MIGHT NEVER LOSE HIS PLACE ON THE COUNCIL, BUT WE SEE HIM QUICKLY APPROACHING MAXIMUM LUKES SHOULD THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE MUTINY TOO MANY TIMES.

FINALLY, REMEMBER ONE CERTAINTY OF WORCESTER POLITICS: ITS UNCERTAINTY. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN WITH A NEW SUPERINTENDENT TO APPROVE, SCHOOL SAFETY PLANS TO DEVISE, VAST TRENCHES ALONG COLOR AND POVERTY LINES TO FILL, AND THE KICKING AND SCREAMING OF A CITY GRADUALLY ABANDONING ITS OLD IDENTITY AS THE ’70S ANSWER TO BRIGADOON. AS ALWAYS, ONLY TIME SHALL TELL HOW THE COUNCIL OF 2015 CAN RISE TO THESE CHALLENGES AND THE OTHERS YET TO COME.

 

ONCE AGAIN, TO ALL THE WINNERS, LOSERS AND — OF COURSE — VOTERS… THANK YOU FOR YOUR SELFLESS SACRIFICES IN THE NAME OF CIVIC ENGAGEMENT. AND COME BACK IN 2017 WHEN THE PENS SHOULD BE EVEN MIGHTIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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One thought on “THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS: A RAMBLING RECAP OF THE BEST, THE WORST, AND THE INVETTIBLE

  1. […] OUR INTENSE COVERAGE OF THE TRUMPOCALYPSE AND THE LOCAL ELECTIONS BEFORE THAT, WE CONCEDE TO HAVING BEEN IN A STATE OF BIZARRO BURNOUT.  OUR PLUTONIUM-LINED JACKET […]

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