Category Archives: FEVER DREAMS

PROGRAMMING NOTE: “YOU IDIOT!!! YOU QUOTED HIS STUNT DOUBLE!!!!!”

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AS STATED ON OUR TWITTER ACCOUNT (WHICH WE SHALL NOT BOTHER DEALING WITH HERE), OUR LONG-AWAITED “YOUR CITY WEBSITE SUCKS” TOUR SHALL COMMENCE ON MARCH 13TH. WE SHALL COMPARE VARIOUS MUNICIPAL WEBSITES TO WORCESTER’S. THIS SPECIAL COVERAGE SHALL COINCIDE WITH SUNSHINE WEEK AND THE UPCOMING “BEST OF WORCESTER” AWARDS TO FINALLY CEMENT OURSELVES AS THE JENNY PACILLO OF THE WORCESTER BLOG SCENE!!!!!!!!

(IN AN ODD TWIST, JENNY PACILLO AM THE BIZARRO WORCESTER OF THE WORCESTER BLOG SCENE. NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPEN.)

BUT FIRST… WE NOTE THE RECENT FLAP OVER A FACEBOOK POST WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN MADE BY THE PEOPLE’S COUNCILOR, MICHAEL GAFFNEY. IN AN ATTEMPT TO LAY THE SMACKETH DOWN ON HIS WOULD-BE IMPERSONATOR, MR. GAFFNEY REPORTEDLY TOLD SAID IMPERSONATOR TO TAKE THEIR COMMENT, SHINE IT UP REAL GOOD, TURN THAT SUMBITCH SIDEWAYS AND STICK IT UP THEIR CANDY ASS!!!!!!!!! OF COURSE, WE REPORTED THAT SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY REFER TO THE 3 ACTUAL JOURNALISTS COVERING THIS ALONG. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO IGNORE DIANNE WILLIAMSON AND CLIVE MCFARLANE AS YOU WISH, HOWEVER.

ESPECIALLY SINCE OUR SUPERIOR TAKE AM ON MASSLIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

INSTEAD OF DISSECTING THIS CONSPIRACY JFK-STYLE AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THE POST ACTUALLY CAME FROM MR. GAFFNEY OR MERELY BACK AND TO THE LEFT, BACK AND TO THE LEFT, BACK AND TO THE LEFT… WE SHALL COMMENT ON BOTH INSTANCES OF SCHROEDINGER’S POST SO YOU HAVE TWICE THE OPINIONS TO IGNORE!!!!!!!!

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BIZARRO ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WE CONTINUE RESEARCH INTO WORCESTER.GOV AND HOW IT MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK.

BUT FIRST, WITH A NEW YEAR COME NEW CHALLENGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE OF THOSE CHALLENGES???? IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST….. PANDIMENSIONAL ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU, OUR READER, MAY PARTICIPATE IN SHAPING THE DESTINY OF AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH ANY LUCK, WE MIGHT EVEN BEAT WORCESTER’S 2013 TURNOUT NUMBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE FACTIONS REIGN IN BIZARRO WORLD. UNLIKE THIS CRAZY WORLD, BIZARRO WORLD AM NOT DIVIDED BY POLITICS. WE AM DIVIDED BY GRAMMAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEREFORE, WE HAVE GIVEN UNEQUAL TIME TO REPRESENTATIVES FROM ALL THREE FACTIONS. PLEASE VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE OR ALTERNATIVELY, VOTE FOR WHICHEVER STYLE YOU THINK WOULD GIVE US AN ANEURYSM TO WRITE.

 

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THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS: A RAMBLING RECAP OF THE BEST, THE WORST, AND THE INVETTIBLE

FOREMOST AND FIRST, WE THANK ALL VOTERS WHO WENT TO THE POLLS IN SPITE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO WRITE IN A BIZARRO VOTE. WE KNOW THIS MADE YOUR CHOICE DIFFICULT.

ALTHOUGH WE CANNOT CLAIM A TRUE SENSE OF PRIDE OVER A 21.3% TURNOUT (DESPITE IT BEING THE HIGHEST TURNOUT BY PERCENTAGE SINCE 2009, AS NOTED BY BIG SMARTY-PANTS REPORTER AND SPELLCHECK-BREAKER NICK KOTSOPOULOS), WE CAN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE THAT IT TROUNCED 2013’S TURNOUT OF 14.4%!!!!!

THEREFORE, LET US TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE 2015 ELECTIONS IN WORCESTER.

SPOILER: NONE OF THE LOSERS SHALL BE US. WE GOT ALL OUR PREDICTIONS RIGHT. ESPECIALLY OUR PICK FOR MAYOR.

 

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MAIN EVENT.

AS ANYONE WHO EVER TRIED TO ASK FOR KICKBACKS CAN TELL YOU, THE TITLE OF WORCESTER’S MAYOR AM LARGELY CEREMONIAL. THE PRIMARY DUTIES OF THE MAYOR INCLUDE PRESIDING OVER THE CITY COUNCIL AND SCHOOL COMMITTEE. BUT ONE SHOULD NOT DISCOUNT THE OFFICE’S HIGH PROFILE. WHILE THE CITY MANAGER MIGHT DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING WITH REGARD TO BIGSHOT DEALS, THE MAYOR MUST SELL THOSE DEALS TO THE PUBLIC. THEY SERVE AS THE FACE OF WORCESTER.

THIS YEAR, BARRING A SENSATIONAL VIRAL CAMPAIGN FROM WILLIAM S COLEMAN III, WE HAVE TWO CANDIDATES FOR MAYOR:

MIKE GAFFNEY AND JOE PETTY.

WITH THE DEMOCRATIC CITY COMMITTEE GIVING THE REPUBLICAN CITY COMMITTEE A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY IN TERMS OF THROWING SAID MONEY AWAY, THIS SHOULD BE THE MOST CONTESTED MAYORAL RACE SINCE THE LUKES VS RUSHTON VS ROSEN THREE-WAY DANCE IN 2007. WE LIKE WELL-CONTESTED RACES, AS THEY BRING IN MORE VOTERS AND PROVIDE MORE GOOFY PHOTO OPS AND SOUND BITES.

TO THAT END, WE HAVE PROVIDED THE CANDIDATES (AND ONE SPECIAL GUEST) THE HIGHEST HONOR BIZARRO WORLD CAN OFFER: PHOTOSHOPS GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK.

WE REMINDER READERS… PREDICTIONS DO NOT EQUAL ENDORSEMENTS.

LET US NOT WASTE NO MORE TIME.

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

ONE MIGHT THINK THE REAL POWER IN WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT WOULD LIE IN THE MAYOR’S OFFICE OR THE CITY MANAGER’S OFFICE OR OF THE GUY IN CHARGE OF DISTRIBUTING SHAQ ARIZONA STRAWBERRY CREAM SODA TO WORCESTER.

IN FACT, THE AT-LARGE COUNCILORS OF WORCESTER CONTROL WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT LARGELY BECAUSE ONCE ELECTED, THEY NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE POLITICS!!!!!! WHEN THE INVETTIBLE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST FINALLY STRIKES, THERE SHALL BE COCKROACHES… AND AT-LARGE COUNCILORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AN ASTONISHING 18 CANDIDATES WERE FIRST NAMED FOR THE FIELD. BUT PAUL COONEY JR AND RICK RUSHTON BOTH DECIDED THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE LIVES AND SO NOW WE HAVE A STILL-LIVELY FIELD OF 16 TO CULL TO 12 ON SEPTEMBER 8TH!!!!! BUT BEFORE THE SEPTEMBER RUN-OFF, IN WHICH WE EXPECT HUNDRED OF CITIZENS TO PARTICIPATE… WE IN BIZARRO WORLD SHALL MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU AND DECIDE WHO SHALL GOVERN YOUR MISERABLE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE WE PLAN TO SAVE THE MAYOR’S OFFICE FOR A FOURTH UPDATE TO STRETCH THIS NONSENSE EVEN FURTHER, MICHAEL GAFFNEY AND JOSEPH PETTY SHALL BOTH RECEIVE A SEPARATE UPDATE.

WE ASSUME PETTY AND GAFFNEY RETAIN THEIR COUNCIL SEATS.

AS ALWAYS, ALL CANDIDATES SHALL BE DIVIDED INTO THREE GROUPS WITH NAMES IN A VAGUE REFERENCE TO HUMOR. EACH CANDIDATE’S BIOGRAPHY SHALL INCLUDE EXPERT ARTISTIC RENDITIONS OF THEIR CAMPAIGN SIGNS, FOLLOWED BY NONSENSICAL INFORMATION AND THEN, WITH THE LEAD SUCCESSFULLY BURIED, AN ASSESSMENT OF THEIR CURRENT POSITION. THE LINKS FOR EACH CANDIDATE’S CAMPAIGN AM THE BEST WE COULD FIND WITH 2 MINUTES OF SEARCHING GOOGLE. DON’T HARASS ANYONE ON FACEBOOK, NERD.

NOTE: IN THE EVENT THAT WE CANNOT FIND A CURRENT SIGN TO CRUDELY REPRODUCE, WE SHALL EITHER FIND THE LAST ONE AVAILABLE ONLINE OR — IN THE INTERESTS OF UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED PSEUDO-JOURNALISM — JUST MAKE ONE UP. IF YOU FIND ANY SIGNS WE MISSED AND WISH THEM TO BE ACCURATELY MISREPRESENTED, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT OR OTHERWISE CONTACT US.

 

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

HAVING EFFORTLESSLY DECIDED THE 2015 WORCESTER SCHOOL COMMITTEE ELECTION BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED, WE NOW TAKE THE HERCULEAN TASK OF DECIDING WHO SHALL REPRESENT THE 5 DISTRICTS OF WORCESTER AS DISTRICT COUNCILORS!!!!!!!!!

OR, AS THE AT-LARGE COUNCILORS PREFER TO CALL THEM, PAWNS.

GEORGE RUSSELL OF DISTRICT 3 AND GARY ROSEN OF DISTRICT 5 AM RUNNING UNOPPOSED. THEREFORE, THEY AM SURE TO LOSE AND NO MORE NEED BE SAID ABOUT THEM.

HOWEVER, WE STILL HAVE TWO EXTREMELY CONTENTIOUS RACES IN DISTRICTS 2 AND 4 AND WE GUESS ALSO ONE IN DISTRICT 1!!!!! AND SO WE ONCE AGAIN MUST TAKE OUR KINGMAKING SKILLS OF USING GOOGLE AND THROWING DARTS AT DARTBOARDS TO DETERMINE WHO AM MOST FAVORED TO WIN!!!!!!!!!!

AS BEFORE, WE SHALL CURATE MASTERFUL REPRESENTATIONS OF EACH CANDIDATE IN THE INTEREST OF UNFAIRNESS. IF WE HAVE DONE OUR JOB CORRECTLY, BY THE TIME WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE AN ASSESSMENT AND PREDICTION, YOU SHALL BE GIGGLING AT THE PRETTY PICTURES AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THOSE PREDICTIONS AND THEIR POINTLESSNESS WITH FIVE MONTHS BEFORE ELECTION DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE AM MASTERS OF CLICKBAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!! (PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MOMENT HAVE COME.

WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER STAND READY TO TAKE OUR FIRST LOOK INTO THE GLORIOUS POST-ARMAGEDDON WORLD THAT AM LOCAL WORCESTER POLITICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WORCESTER’S SCHOOL COMMITTEE, CONSISTING OF SIX ELECTED MEMBERS AND THE MAYOR, DEFINE THE GROUND RULES UNDER WHICH THE SUPERINTENDENT CAN CONDUCT BUSINESS. THIS WOULD ALSO INCLUDE CHOOSING SAID SUPERINTENDENT.

WE DIVIDED THE CANDIDATES INTO THREE CRYPTICALLY NAMED GROUPS WITH A VAGUELY WORCESTER COLLEGIATE CLICKBAIT BENT. IN THE INTEREST OF UNFAIRNESS, WE ALSO PLACED AN EXPERTLY CURATED IMAGE IN LIEU OF EACH CANDIDATE’S PHOTO WHICH WE BELIEVE SHALL SUITABLY REPRESENT THEM. FINALLY, OUR SUPERIOR OPINIONS AM BASED ON COMPLETELY OUTLANDISH LIES AND SHALL NOT CONTAIN ONE OUNCE OF TRUTH WHATSOEVER. WE SAVED OUR LEAST DISHONEST OPINIONS FOR THE RANKINGS, WHICH WE HOPE NO ONE SHALL READ BECAUSE YOU AM TOO BUSY CARING ABOUT AM WHO RANKED WHERE.

AFTER ALL, WE HAVE A REPUTATION NOT TO MAINTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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