Category Archives: MANDATORY CULTURE

PROGRAMMING NOTE: “YOU IDIOT!!! YOU QUOTED HIS STUNT DOUBLE!!!!!”

11824940_1142608469089605_5001449447393886125_n

AS STATED ON OUR TWITTER ACCOUNT (WHICH WE SHALL NOT BOTHER DEALING WITH HERE), OUR LONG-AWAITED “YOUR CITY WEBSITE SUCKS” TOUR SHALL COMMENCE ON MARCH 13TH. WE SHALL COMPARE VARIOUS MUNICIPAL WEBSITES TO WORCESTER’S. THIS SPECIAL COVERAGE SHALL COINCIDE WITH SUNSHINE WEEK AND THE UPCOMING “BEST OF WORCESTER” AWARDS TO FINALLY CEMENT OURSELVES AS THE JENNY PACILLO OF THE WORCESTER BLOG SCENE!!!!!!!!

(IN AN ODD TWIST, JENNY PACILLO AM THE BIZARRO WORCESTER OF THE WORCESTER BLOG SCENE. NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPEN.)

BUT FIRST… WE NOTE THE RECENT FLAP OVER A FACEBOOK POST WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN MADE BY THE PEOPLE’S COUNCILOR, MICHAEL GAFFNEY. IN AN ATTEMPT TO LAY THE SMACKETH DOWN ON HIS WOULD-BE IMPERSONATOR, MR. GAFFNEY REPORTEDLY TOLD SAID IMPERSONATOR TO TAKE THEIR COMMENT, SHINE IT UP REAL GOOD, TURN THAT SUMBITCH SIDEWAYS AND STICK IT UP THEIR CANDY ASS!!!!!!!!! OF COURSE, WE REPORTED THAT SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY REFER TO THE 3 ACTUAL JOURNALISTS COVERING THIS ALONG. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO IGNORE DIANNE WILLIAMSON AND CLIVE MCFARLANE AS YOU WISH, HOWEVER.

ESPECIALLY SINCE OUR SUPERIOR TAKE AM ON MASSLIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

INSTEAD OF DISSECTING THIS CONSPIRACY JFK-STYLE AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THE POST ACTUALLY CAME FROM MR. GAFFNEY OR MERELY BACK AND TO THE LEFT, BACK AND TO THE LEFT, BACK AND TO THE LEFT… WE SHALL COMMENT ON BOTH INSTANCES OF SCHROEDINGER’S POST SO YOU HAVE TWICE THE OPINIONS TO IGNORE!!!!!!!!

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

BIZARRO ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WE CONTINUE RESEARCH INTO WORCESTER.GOV AND HOW IT MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK.

BUT FIRST, WITH A NEW YEAR COME NEW CHALLENGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE OF THOSE CHALLENGES???? IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST….. PANDIMENSIONAL ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU, OUR READER, MAY PARTICIPATE IN SHAPING THE DESTINY OF AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH ANY LUCK, WE MIGHT EVEN BEAT WORCESTER’S 2013 TURNOUT NUMBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE FACTIONS REIGN IN BIZARRO WORLD. UNLIKE THIS CRAZY WORLD, BIZARRO WORLD AM NOT DIVIDED BY POLITICS. WE AM DIVIDED BY GRAMMAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEREFORE, WE HAVE GIVEN UNEQUAL TIME TO REPRESENTATIVES FROM ALL THREE FACTIONS. PLEASE VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE OR ALTERNATIVELY, VOTE FOR WHICHEVER STYLE YOU THINK WOULD GIVE US AN ANEURYSM TO WRITE.

 

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

TRUMP PROTEST DON’TS AND DOS

TOMORROW, THE FABRIC OF REALITY SHALL BE TESTED LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DONALD TRUMP SHALL BE SPEAKING IN WORCESTER TOMORROW ON NOVEMBER 18TH AT THE DCU CENTER AT 7 PM. THIS SHALL BE PART OF HIS “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN EXCLAMATION POINT” TOUR; APPROPRIATE SINCE AS WE ALL KNOW, AMERICA SUCKS AND WORCESTER AM EXHIBIT A.

SHOCKINGLY, WE HAVE LEARNED THERE MAY BE PEOPLE IN WORCESTER WHO DO NOT LIKE TRUMP!!!!! SOME OF THEM MIGHT EVEN DISLIKE HIM ENOUGH TO… PROTEST??? IN WORCESTER?!?!?!?!?!? UNTHINKABLE!!!!!!!!! UNPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED IN A CITY WHERE WE NEVER SEE ANYONE PROTEST ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE, DISRESPECTING THE MOST ESTEEMED SPEAKER TO VISIT WORCESTER SINCE THE GREAT CARLOS MENCIA!!!!!!!!!!

OF COURSE, SECURITY SHALL BE AT MAXIMUM. WE HAVE HAD A RECENT BREAK-IN AT THE ARMY RESERVES BUILDING, FUELING SPECULATION THAT SOMEONE MIGHT BE UNBALANCED ENOUGH TO ASSASSINATE A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, EVEN IF TRUMP HAVE LESS CHANCE OF GETTING ELECTED THAN WE DO. ACCORDINGLY, WE HAVE HEARD THAT SECURITY MEASURES DEPLOYED INCLUDE UNDERCOVER OFFICERS AND EXPLODING DOGS.

WITH TENSIONS AT AN ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM, WE THEREFORE HAVE TAKEN IT UPON OUR BIZARRO SELVES TO INTERVENE IN THE INTERESTS OF PUBLIC SAFETY. WE HAVE RECENTLY PUBLISHED A LIST OF DON’TS AND DO’S FOR PROTESTING, WHICH WE NOW PRESENT ONLINE FOR YOUR EDIFICATION!!!!!!!!!! THIS WAY, WITH NEWS MEDIA FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO BOTH EXERCISE YOUR FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT AND AVOID BEING CRUSHED BY HEAVY STONES FROM TRUMP’S PRIVATE SECURITY BARBARIANS.

THINK OF US AS THE LOVE CHILD OF EMILY POST AND ABBIE HOFFMAN.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,

THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS: A RAMBLING RECAP OF THE BEST, THE WORST, AND THE INVETTIBLE

FOREMOST AND FIRST, WE THANK ALL VOTERS WHO WENT TO THE POLLS IN SPITE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO WRITE IN A BIZARRO VOTE. WE KNOW THIS MADE YOUR CHOICE DIFFICULT.

ALTHOUGH WE CANNOT CLAIM A TRUE SENSE OF PRIDE OVER A 21.3% TURNOUT (DESPITE IT BEING THE HIGHEST TURNOUT BY PERCENTAGE SINCE 2009, AS NOTED BY BIG SMARTY-PANTS REPORTER AND SPELLCHECK-BREAKER NICK KOTSOPOULOS), WE CAN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE THAT IT TROUNCED 2013’S TURNOUT OF 14.4%!!!!!

THEREFORE, LET US TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE 2015 ELECTIONS IN WORCESTER.

SPOILER: NONE OF THE LOSERS SHALL BE US. WE GOT ALL OUR PREDICTIONS RIGHT. ESPECIALLY OUR PICK FOR MAYOR.

 

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

GET PANHANDLERS OFF THE STREETS!!! SUPPORT THE SOUTH HIGH COLONELS!!!!!

447e133d6c9f316c48ffcae7bc6a16df_400x400[1]

WE HAVE RECEIVED WORD THAT MR. MICHAEL MCAULIFFE BECAME THE NEW HEAD COACH OF WORCESTER’S SOUTH HIGH SCHOOL COLONELS, HAVING PAST SERVED AS AN ASSISTANT COACH FOR SEVERAL YEARS. INSTEAD OF RISKING ARREST BY CLOGGING UP STREETS AS IN YEARS PAST WITH RAMBUNCTIOUS YOUTH UNDER THE AGE OF 60, HE INSTEAD SHOCKINGLY TOOK A 21ST-CENTURY APPROACH TO FUNDING!!!!!

MEH, WHAT THE HEY. WE CONCEDE THE FLOOR:

Hello All!

My name is Michael McAuliffe and I am the new Head Coach for the Varsity Boys Football Team at South High Community School in Worcester Massachusetts. As the new Head Coach I would like to start the program off on the right foot and begin to establish a positive culture needed to be successful on and off the football field. I have taken an inventory of the equipment and supplies that the team has to work with and I was very disappointed. We are in dire need of blocking shields, stepover bags, blocking sleds, jerseys, footballs, and much more. We are planning on putting together as many fundraisers as we can this season but we still need a lot of help. My main goal is for the student athletes on the South High Football Team to become young men that value hard work, friendship, sportsmanship, and selflessness. Any help that you can provide will go a long way in reaching our goal and improving the lives of the young men at South High Community School.

Thank you!

The South High Football Team

PLEASE CONSIDER DONATING TO THE COLONELS’ GOFUNDME CAMPAIGN HERE.

Tagged

PROGRAMMING NOTE: HOW TO RUN A 21ST-CENTURY CAMPAIGN FOR A 20TH-CENTURY CITY

MANY THEORIES ABOUND ON HOW TO RUN A SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN FOR OFFICE IN WORCESTER. MOST OF THEM SUCK. BUT THE ONE WE NEVER HEAR??? “YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH NOT USING THE TOOLS AVAILABLE TO YOU.”

IN 2009, FUTURE MAYOR JOE O’BRIEN BECAME ONE OF THE FIRST POLITICIANS IN WORCESTER TO USE TWO WEBSITES CALLED TWITTER AND FACEBOOK WHICH WERE OF COURSE NEVER HEARD FROM EVER AGAIN. HIS CAMPAIGN, THOUGH PERHAPS WITH A FEW TOO CLOSE INSIDER TIES FOR COMFORT, LEVERAGED THE INTERNET LIKE NONE BEFORE OR, FOR YOUR MONEY, SINCE.

THIS MIGHT SURPRISE YOU, BUT WE FIND THE INTERNET A USEFUL TOOL!!! FOR A MINIMAL INVESTMENT OF TIME, YOU RELAY A MESSAGE TO ANYONE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO STUMBLE ONTO YOUR WEBSITE!!!!!! NO PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE OF ANY KIND NECESSARY — JUST A KEYBOARD OR EVEN JUST YOUR PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

internet_img1[1]

HOW EASY????

WE MADE THIS.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,