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YOUR CITY WEBSITE SUCKS — PART 7: BUFFALO, THE WORCESTER OF NEW YORK

AND NOW, WE FINALLY BRING A MERCIFUL END TO OUR “YOUR CITY WEBSITE SUCKS” COVERAGE FOR SUNSHINE WEEK WITH A CITY NEAR AND DEAR TO US: BUFFALO, NEW YORK.

EAGLE-EYED WORCESTER BLOGOSPHERE HAUNTS SHALL RECALL BUFFALO TO BE THE HOME OF ONE OF THE GREATEST SPORTS BLOGS OF ALL TIME: BUFFALO BRUISES. BUT BETWEEN THE SNOW, POLITICS AND THE BUFFALO BILLS, THIS DOWNTRODDEN CITY (HEY, IT FEEL GOOD TO SAY THAT ABOUT A CITY BESIDES WORCESTER FOR A CHANGE!!!) DO HAVE THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT, INCLUDING A FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT HOUSE, THE FIRST NATURAL GAS WELL IN THE UNITED STATES, AND A HOST OF PAINSTAKINGLY RESTORED BUILDINGS.

BUT SHOULD BUFFALO’S WEBSITE BE COUNTED AS ONE OF ITS PRIZED POSSESSIONS, ARDENTLY DEFENDED BY A #BUFFALOCITYWEBSITEMAFIA????? OR WOULD THE HOTTEST TAKE BE THAT IT SUCKS??????????????????

(BIZARRO NOTE: THANK GOD WE DON’T HAVE TO PUT IN ONE OF THOSE LEAD-INS AGAIN.)

METHODOLOGY

FIRST, WE PERFORM A SERIES OF TASKS ONE WOULD TYPICALLY EXPECT FROM A GOVERNMENT WEBSITE. THEN, WE COMPARE THOSE RESULTS TO THAT OF OTHER WEBSITES FROM CITIES OF SIMILAR SIZES ACROSS THE US. THEN WE ASSESS A SERIES OF ARBITRARY PENALTIES BASED ON SUBJECTIVE RAGE INDUCED BY THE PROCESS. WE SCORE LIKE GOLF (OR THE PREFERRED BIZARRO VERSION, FLOGGING); LOWER SCORES == BETTER THAN. IT COULD BE SIMPLER, BUT THEN YOU’D END UP ON A WEBSITE WHERE THE GRAPHIC DESIGNER WENT BOBBING FOR APPLES IN GASOLINE BEFORE MAKING THE ADS. AT LEAST WITH OUR FAUX-BUDGET WORDPRESS SITE YOU GET A SURPRISINGLY READABLE WEBSITE DESPITE OUR BIZARRO CAPITALIZATION AND BASED PRONOUN USAGE.

IN ALL CASES, WE ASSUME CITY HALL STAFF WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO HELP IN PERSON OR VIA PHONE WITH ANY TASKS YOU MIGHT REQUIRE OF THEM, IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THAT THEY OTHERWISE HAVE TO DEAL WITH POLITICIANS ALL DAY.

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I never got the chance to meet him. I have no idea if he would have liked this page or thought it was a colossal waste of time. But in any case... Thank you, Jeff. Without you, this wouldn't exist.

“It’s what you DO that people want to identify you by.” – Jeff Barnard, 1948-2010

TRUMP PROTEST DON’TS AND DOS

TOMORROW, THE FABRIC OF REALITY SHALL BE TESTED LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DONALD TRUMP SHALL BE SPEAKING IN WORCESTER TOMORROW ON NOVEMBER 18TH AT THE DCU CENTER AT 7 PM. THIS SHALL BE PART OF HIS “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN EXCLAMATION POINT” TOUR; APPROPRIATE SINCE AS WE ALL KNOW, AMERICA SUCKS AND WORCESTER AM EXHIBIT A.

SHOCKINGLY, WE HAVE LEARNED THERE MAY BE PEOPLE IN WORCESTER WHO DO NOT LIKE TRUMP!!!!! SOME OF THEM MIGHT EVEN DISLIKE HIM ENOUGH TO… PROTEST??? IN WORCESTER?!?!?!?!?!? UNTHINKABLE!!!!!!!!! UNPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED IN A CITY WHERE WE NEVER SEE ANYONE PROTEST ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE, DISRESPECTING THE MOST ESTEEMED SPEAKER TO VISIT WORCESTER SINCE THE GREAT CARLOS MENCIA!!!!!!!!!!

OF COURSE, SECURITY SHALL BE AT MAXIMUM. WE HAVE HAD A RECENT BREAK-IN AT THE ARMY RESERVES BUILDING, FUELING SPECULATION THAT SOMEONE MIGHT BE UNBALANCED ENOUGH TO ASSASSINATE A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, EVEN IF TRUMP HAVE LESS CHANCE OF GETTING ELECTED THAN WE DO. ACCORDINGLY, WE HAVE HEARD THAT SECURITY MEASURES DEPLOYED INCLUDE UNDERCOVER OFFICERS AND EXPLODING DOGS.

WITH TENSIONS AT AN ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM, WE THEREFORE HAVE TAKEN IT UPON OUR BIZARRO SELVES TO INTERVENE IN THE INTERESTS OF PUBLIC SAFETY. WE HAVE RECENTLY PUBLISHED A LIST OF DON’TS AND DO’S FOR PROTESTING, WHICH WE NOW PRESENT ONLINE FOR YOUR EDIFICATION!!!!!!!!!! THIS WAY, WITH NEWS MEDIA FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO BOTH EXERCISE YOUR FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT AND AVOID BEING CRUSHED BY HEAVY STONES FROM TRUMP’S PRIVATE SECURITY BARBARIANS.

THINK OF US AS THE LOVE CHILD OF EMILY POST AND ABBIE HOFFMAN.

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