Tag Archives: AHISTORICAL REENACTMENT

BIZARRO ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WE CONTINUE RESEARCH INTO WORCESTER.GOV AND HOW IT MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK.

BUT FIRST, WITH A NEW YEAR COME NEW CHALLENGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE OF THOSE CHALLENGES???? IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST….. PANDIMENSIONAL ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU, OUR READER, MAY PARTICIPATE IN SHAPING THE DESTINY OF AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH ANY LUCK, WE MIGHT EVEN BEAT WORCESTER’S 2013 TURNOUT NUMBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE FACTIONS REIGN IN BIZARRO WORLD. UNLIKE THIS CRAZY WORLD, BIZARRO WORLD AM NOT DIVIDED BY POLITICS. WE AM DIVIDED BY GRAMMAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEREFORE, WE HAVE GIVEN UNEQUAL TIME TO REPRESENTATIVES FROM ALL THREE FACTIONS. PLEASE VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE OR ALTERNATIVELY, VOTE FOR WHICHEVER STYLE YOU THINK WOULD GIVE US AN ANEURYSM TO WRITE.

 

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PROGRAMMING NOTE: HOW TO RUN A 21ST-CENTURY CAMPAIGN FOR A 20TH-CENTURY CITY

MANY THEORIES ABOUND ON HOW TO RUN A SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN FOR OFFICE IN WORCESTER. MOST OF THEM SUCK. BUT THE ONE WE NEVER HEAR??? “YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH NOT USING THE TOOLS AVAILABLE TO YOU.”

IN 2009, FUTURE MAYOR JOE O’BRIEN BECAME ONE OF THE FIRST POLITICIANS IN WORCESTER TO USE TWO WEBSITES CALLED TWITTER AND FACEBOOK WHICH WERE OF COURSE NEVER HEARD FROM EVER AGAIN. HIS CAMPAIGN, THOUGH PERHAPS WITH A FEW TOO CLOSE INSIDER TIES FOR COMFORT, LEVERAGED THE INTERNET LIKE NONE BEFORE OR, FOR YOUR MONEY, SINCE.

THIS MIGHT SURPRISE YOU, BUT WE FIND THE INTERNET A USEFUL TOOL!!! FOR A MINIMAL INVESTMENT OF TIME, YOU RELAY A MESSAGE TO ANYONE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO STUMBLE ONTO YOUR WEBSITE!!!!!! NO PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE OF ANY KIND NECESSARY — JUST A KEYBOARD OR EVEN JUST YOUR PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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HOW EASY????

WE MADE THIS.

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OUR OBLIGATORY PATRONIZING LIST OF PICKS FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE’S BEST OF WORCESTER 2015 AWARDS!!!!!

IN CASE YOU’VE NOT BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK AND AM THEREFORE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE, WORCESTER MAGAZINE ONCE AGAIN ASKED ITS READER TO PICK THE SUPERLATIVES OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!!! THIS NOT ONLY PROVIDES A SPOTLIGHT TO LOCAL BUSINESSES, PEOPLE AND SERVICES, BUT ALSO GIVES WALTER BIRD JR A CHANCE TO TEACH TOM QUINN THE ART OF STACKING SODA CANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE OF COURSE MADE A TOKEN PUSH FOR THE CITIZENS OF WORCESTER TO VOTE BIZARRO!!!! (SORRY, TOM — WE PROMISED A MORE SHAMELESS CAMPAIGN, BUT BIZARRO AFFAIRS OF STATE GOT IN OUR WAY. YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER AN ARMY OF SCOTT BROWN CLONES.) WE EVEN TRIED THE FACEBOOK FOR ADVERTISING OUR MAGNIFICENCE!!!!!!!!

THE RESULTS SHALL BE PUBLISHED NEXT THURSDAY. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD DO WHAT EVERY OTHER MEDIOCRE BLOGGER DO, WHICH AM TO GIVE YOU WHAT WE PICKED FOR THE BEST OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!! OF COURSE, LISTS LIKE THOSE AM BORING. SO INSTEAD, IN A DECISION SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM INSPIRED BY TOM QUINN, WE HAVE DECIDED TO RUN OUR PICKS THROUGH THE EVER-INFALLIBLE AUTOCORRECT FEATURE ON OUR BIZARRO PHONE AND PRESENT OUR EXPERT DEPICTION OF THE RESULTS!!!!!!!!

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MINOR MEDIA COVERAGE FOR BIZARRO WORCESTER!!!!!!!!!!

LAST OF ALL, WE APOLOGIZE AGAIN FOR THE DELAYS IN OUR COVERAGE OF ARTEMAS WARD’S ALTERNATE-UNIVERSE CAMPAIGN IN OUR “LET’S PLAY” (MORE LIKE RETSUPURAE, AM ME NOT RIGHT) OF THE KOEI MILITARY STRATEGY GAME LIBERTY OR DEATH. BIZARRO BOSTON MAYOR HSLAW YTRAM AND WE HAVE BEEN NEGOTIATING THE MAXIMUM ANNOYANCE TO WORCESTER CITIZENS IN PREPARATION FOR HIS MANDATORY PROPOSED BID TO HOST THE 2024 OLYMPICS IN BOSTON!!!!!!!!!! WE MADE SURE TO ADMIRE HIS TASTE IN ARCHITECTURE, OFF COURSE…

REGULARLY SCHEDULED OPPRESSION SHALL ENSUE WITHIN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.

SECOND, MINOR MEDIA ORGANIZATION HENCHMAN TOM QUINN OF WORCESTER “MAGAZINE” SPOKE WITH A BIZARRO CITIZEN WHO CLEARLY LEFT ROGUE!!!!! WE SHALL DO THE RIGHT THING AND PRETEND IT WERE OUR IDEA ALL ALONG AND PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY PLUG OUR INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE THANK TOM QUINN FOR HIS TIME, WHICH WE SHALL NOW PROMPTLY FORGET ABOUT.

IF YOU HAVE NOT COME LOOKING FOR THE ARTICLE QUOTED BY CITIZEN QUINN REGARDING THE 2014 MASSACHUSETTS RACE FOR GOVERNOR, HERE IT AM!!!!! AND NOTE THAT WE, THE GREATEST PUNDIT IN THE UNIVERSE, MANAGED TO FIND THE ONE ASPECT OF THE 2014 RACE EVERYONE COULD AGREE ON:

SCOTT LIVELY BLOWS.

IN THE MEANTIME, STAY APATHETIC, CITIZENS OF BIZARRO WORCESTER!!!!! WE SHALL OVERCOME!! AND BY WE, WE MEAN NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

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