Tag Archives: CITY MISMANAGER

YOUR CITY WEBSITE SUCKS — PART 1: WORCESTER, A BENCHMARK OF MEDIOCRITY

AFTER OUR AWARD-LOSING COVERAGE OF THE WORCESTER ELECTIONS AND THAT GUY WITH THE HAIR… TODAY, WE BEGIN AN EXCITING NEW CHAPTER IN BIZARRO WORCESTER, IN WHICH WE RETURN TO OUR M.O. OF LOOKING AT OPEN GOVERNMENT AND WORCESTER’S LACKADAISICAL COMMITMENT TO IT!!!!!!! THEREFORE, IN HONOR OF SUNSHINE WEEK AND THE UPCOMING BEST OF WORCESTER AWARDS, WE PROUDLY PRESENT A LOOK AT ONE THING WE ALWAYS FIND COMEDY IN NO MATTER HOW CRAZY THINGS GET OTHERWISE: GOVERNMENT WEBSITES.

A CITY’S WEBSITE CAN REVEAL A GREAT DEAL ABOUT ITS CIVIC HEALTH. IT CAN REVEAL HOW WE INFORM. HOW WE PROVIDE. HOW WE VALUE THOSE WITHIN CITY HALL. HOW WE VALUE VISITORS. HOW WE VALUE THE INTERNET. WHAT WE THINK OF OURSELVES. OR HOW LITTLE WE GIVE A CRAP ABOUT ANY OF THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE MADE A LOT OF JOKES OVER THE YEARS ABOUT WORCESTER’S PRESENCE ONLINE. BUT ONE THING WE NEVER DID WERE TAKING AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT EXACTLY HOW IT MIGHT MEASURE UP OUTSIDE THE COMPLETELY TRUE STATEMENT THAT EVERYTHING FROM WORCESTER MUST SUCK BY DEFAULT. WE DO NOT EXPECT TO BE UP THERE WITH SUCH GIANTS OF WEB DESIGN AS INDEPENDENCE, MISSOURI, OR EVEN NEW YORK, NEW YORK‘S RECENT UPDATE. BUT WE HOPE TO AT LEAST BEAT THE MULTITUDE OF OTHER GENERIC CITY WEBSITES WE LOOK EXACTLY LIKE. THEREFORE, WE SHALL PIT THE CITY OF WORCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS, AGAINST FOUR OTHER SIMILARLY-SIZED CITIES’ WEBSITES (AND TWO PERSONAL CHOICES).

TO THAT END:

METHODOLOGY

FIRST, WE PERFORM A SERIES OF TASKS ONE WOULD TYPICALLY EXPECT FROM A GOVERNMENT WEBSITE. THEN, WE COMPARE THOSE RESULTS TO THAT OF OTHER WEBSITES FROM CITIES OF SIMILAR SIZES ACROSS THE US. THEN WE ASSESS A SERIES OF ARBITRARY PENALTIES BASED ON SUBJECTIVE RAGE INDUCED BY THE PROCESS. WE SCORE LIKE GOLF (OR THE PREFERRED BIZARRO VERSION, FLOGGING); LOWER SCORES == BETTER THAN. IT COULD BE SIMPLER, BUT THEN YOU’D END UP ON A WEBSITE WHERE THE GRAPHIC DESIGNER WENT BOBBING FOR APPLES IN GASOLINE BEFORE MAKING THE ADS. AT LEAST WITH OUR FAUX-BUDGET WORDPRESS SITE YOU GET A SURPRISINGLY READABLE WEBSITE DESPITE OUR BIZARRO CAPITALIZATION AND BASED PRONOUN USAGE.

IN ALL CASES, WE ASSUME CITY HALL STAFF WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO HELP IN PERSON OR VIA PHONE WITH ANY TASKS YOU MIGHT REQUIRE OF THEM, IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THAT THEY OTHERWISE HAVE TO DEAL WITH POLITICIANS ALL DAY.

 

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PROGRAMMING NOTE: COVERAGE OF HOW MUCH WORCESTER.GOV SUCKS, PLUS THE CASE FOR MOSAIC

AFTER OUR INTENSE COVERAGE OF THE TRUMPOCALYPSE AND THE LOCAL ELECTIONS BEFORE THAT, WE CONCEDE TO HAVING BEEN IN A STATE OF BIZARRO BURNOUT.  OUR PLUTONIUM-LINED JACKET AM TOTALLY DEPLETED!!!!!!!!! WE PLAN TO REMEDY THIS WITH AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT HOW MUCH WORCESTER.GOV, OUR CITY’S E-FACE, MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD ADDRESS THE MOST PRESSING TOPIC IN WORCESTER TODAY, DESPITE IT BEING INHERENTLY UNFUNNY: THE CASE AGAINST MOSAIC.

THOSE WHO READ THE CTRL+ALT+DEL TO OUR HOMESTUCK HAVE HEARD THE CASE AGAINST THE MOSAIC CULTURAL COMPLEX PRESENTED A MILLION TIMES, OCCASIONALLY LEGIBLE BETWEEN ADS AND MEMES THAT MAKE OUR LOW-EFFORT WORK LOOK LIKE JOHN SINGER SARGENT (WE WOULD LINK THE ARTICLES, BUT WE THOUGHT SAYING “WE HEARD FROM A FRIEND OF A FRIEND THE AUDIT MIGHT COME BACK DIRTY” AND THEN PARAPHRASING PRIOR ARTICLES ON MOSAIC TO FILL THE REST OF YOUR WORD COUNT DESERVED AN EQUAL LEVEL OF EFFORT FROM US). EVERYONE FROM JANICE HARVEY TO CHRISTOPHER PINTO RIPPED INTO THEM, AND WE EXPECT TONIGHT’S COUNCIL SESSION TO BE UGLIER THAN SEXTING WITH JOHN FRESOLO.

THEREFORE, LET US PLAY BIZARRO ADVOCATE… AND ADDRESS THE CASE FOR MOSAIC.

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (SEPTEMBER RECAP)

THE PRELIMINARIES HAVE GONE AND COME. THROUGH OUR DEFT SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE CAMPAIGN USING THE FIRST LETTERS OF EVERY SENTENCE IN JANICE HARVEY’S WORCESTER MAGAZINE COLUMNS, WE SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO SAY “TGIUTLYHIGHLIGEUYTIUITRIYW” AND BOOST PRELIMINARY TURNOUT TO 11.2%!!!!!

PITIFUL THOUGH THIS MAY BE, WE AT LEAST ESCAPED THE IGNOMINY OF A TURNOUT EVEN MORE ABYSMAL THAN 2011. THEREFORE, NOW THE TIME HAVE COME FOR A PREMATURE CELEBRATION!!!!!!!! WE WERE PLEASED ENOUGH WITH OUR INFORMAL RANKINGS TO GLOAT FAR BEYOND OUR TALENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS A RESULT, WE PRESENT A LOOK AT THE WINNERS AND/OR LOSERS THUS FAR, INCLUDING A FEW OFFHAND PREDICTIONS WE SHALL COMPLETELY DENY HAVING MADE LATER.

ONE MORE THING BEFORE THE REST OF OUR GLORIOUS ARTICLE: WE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ALL THE CANDIDATES, INCLUDING THOSE STILL IN THE RUNNING, FORCED OUT, AND THOSE WHO SIMPLY WITHDREW

… THANK YOU.

 

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MAIN EVENT.

AS ANYONE WHO EVER TRIED TO ASK FOR KICKBACKS CAN TELL YOU, THE TITLE OF WORCESTER’S MAYOR AM LARGELY CEREMONIAL. THE PRIMARY DUTIES OF THE MAYOR INCLUDE PRESIDING OVER THE CITY COUNCIL AND SCHOOL COMMITTEE. BUT ONE SHOULD NOT DISCOUNT THE OFFICE’S HIGH PROFILE. WHILE THE CITY MANAGER MIGHT DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING WITH REGARD TO BIGSHOT DEALS, THE MAYOR MUST SELL THOSE DEALS TO THE PUBLIC. THEY SERVE AS THE FACE OF WORCESTER.

THIS YEAR, BARRING A SENSATIONAL VIRAL CAMPAIGN FROM WILLIAM S COLEMAN III, WE HAVE TWO CANDIDATES FOR MAYOR:

MIKE GAFFNEY AND JOE PETTY.

WITH THE DEMOCRATIC CITY COMMITTEE GIVING THE REPUBLICAN CITY COMMITTEE A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY IN TERMS OF THROWING SAID MONEY AWAY, THIS SHOULD BE THE MOST CONTESTED MAYORAL RACE SINCE THE LUKES VS RUSHTON VS ROSEN THREE-WAY DANCE IN 2007. WE LIKE WELL-CONTESTED RACES, AS THEY BRING IN MORE VOTERS AND PROVIDE MORE GOOFY PHOTO OPS AND SOUND BITES.

TO THAT END, WE HAVE PROVIDED THE CANDIDATES (AND ONE SPECIAL GUEST) THE HIGHEST HONOR BIZARRO WORLD CAN OFFER: PHOTOSHOPS GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK.

WE REMINDER READERS… PREDICTIONS DO NOT EQUAL ENDORSEMENTS.

LET US NOT WASTE NO MORE TIME.

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OUR OBLIGATORY PATRONIZING LIST OF PICKS FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE’S BEST OF WORCESTER 2015 AWARDS!!!!!

IN CASE YOU’VE NOT BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK AND AM THEREFORE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE, WORCESTER MAGAZINE ONCE AGAIN ASKED ITS READER TO PICK THE SUPERLATIVES OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!!! THIS NOT ONLY PROVIDES A SPOTLIGHT TO LOCAL BUSINESSES, PEOPLE AND SERVICES, BUT ALSO GIVES WALTER BIRD JR A CHANCE TO TEACH TOM QUINN THE ART OF STACKING SODA CANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE OF COURSE MADE A TOKEN PUSH FOR THE CITIZENS OF WORCESTER TO VOTE BIZARRO!!!! (SORRY, TOM — WE PROMISED A MORE SHAMELESS CAMPAIGN, BUT BIZARRO AFFAIRS OF STATE GOT IN OUR WAY. YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER AN ARMY OF SCOTT BROWN CLONES.) WE EVEN TRIED THE FACEBOOK FOR ADVERTISING OUR MAGNIFICENCE!!!!!!!!

THE RESULTS SHALL BE PUBLISHED NEXT THURSDAY. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD DO WHAT EVERY OTHER MEDIOCRE BLOGGER DO, WHICH AM TO GIVE YOU WHAT WE PICKED FOR THE BEST OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!! OF COURSE, LISTS LIKE THOSE AM BORING. SO INSTEAD, IN A DECISION SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM INSPIRED BY TOM QUINN, WE HAVE DECIDED TO RUN OUR PICKS THROUGH THE EVER-INFALLIBLE AUTOCORRECT FEATURE ON OUR BIZARRO PHONE AND PRESENT OUR EXPERT DEPICTION OF THE RESULTS!!!!!!!!

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BIZARRO INFOGRAPHICS: THE 2015 WORCESTER DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC WORKS SNOW BUDGET

IT HAVE BEEN RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT THE CITY PAID $6,266,190 FOR SNOW REMOVAL THIS PAST WINTER, OVERRUNNING ITS BUDGET BY OVER $2 MILLION. THEREFORE, CITY MANAGER AND BIGSHOT-IN-CHIEF ED AUGUSTUS JR WISHES FOR PERMISSION TO SPEND THE MONEY THE CITY ALREADY SPENT.

THE CITY MANAGER SHALL BE GIVING A REPORT TO THE COUNCIL TOMORROW, AND DPW COMMISSIONER PAUL MOOSEY SHALL DETAIL WHERE THIS MONEY HAVE BEEN SPENT WHILE GAMELY TRYING TO CONVINCE PHIL PALMIERI THAT HE AM NOT, IN FACT, BOB MOYLAN.

HOWEVER…

IN A FEAT OF JOURNALISTIC TRIUMPH WORTHY OF A POST ON THIS BLOG, BIZARRO WORCESTER HAVE RECENTLY ACQUIRED AN ADVANCE COPY OF THE DPW REPORT!!!!!! WE SHALL NOW PROVIDE TO YOU THIS DATA IN A TOUR DE FORCE THAT ALL THE COOL REPUTABLE NEWS SOURCES AM DOING THESE DAYS…

A POORLY RESEARCHED INFOGRAPHIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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MINUTES FROM THE APRIL 1ST CHANDLER MAGNET SCHOOL BALL FIELD MEETING

(BIZARRO NOTE: THE PLAN WERE OFFICIALLY CANCELLED, BUT SINCE WE PUT SO LITTLE EFFORT INTO THIS RIP-OFF OF A SIMPSONS CLASSIC, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD POST IT ANYWAY…)

 

SIMPSONS_AUGUSTUS

Ed Augustus Jr:
Y’know, a city with a ball field’s a little like the panhandler with a credit card. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!

(audience laughs)

Rick Rushton:
Heh heh! Panhandler.

Ed Augustus Jr:
The name’s Augustus, Ed Augustus Junior. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest…

Aw, it’s not for you. It’s more of a Lawrence idea.

Joe Petty:
Now wait just a minute! We’re twice as smart as the people of Lawrence! Just tell us your idea and we’ll vote for it!

Ed Augustus Jr:
All right, I tell you what I’ll do. I’ll show you my idea!

I give you… the Chandler Magnet Parking Lot!

(everyone gasps)

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