Tag Archives: JEDI MASTER GARY ROSEN

PROGRAMMING NOTE: COVERAGE OF HOW MUCH WORCESTER.GOV SUCKS, PLUS THE CASE FOR MOSAIC

AFTER OUR INTENSE COVERAGE OF THE TRUMPOCALYPSE AND THE LOCAL ELECTIONS BEFORE THAT, WE CONCEDE TO HAVING BEEN IN A STATE OF BIZARRO BURNOUT.  OUR PLUTONIUM-LINED JACKET AM TOTALLY DEPLETED!!!!!!!!! WE PLAN TO REMEDY THIS WITH AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT HOW MUCH WORCESTER.GOV, OUR CITY’S E-FACE, MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD ADDRESS THE MOST PRESSING TOPIC IN WORCESTER TODAY, DESPITE IT BEING INHERENTLY UNFUNNY: THE CASE AGAINST MOSAIC.

THOSE WHO READ THE CTRL+ALT+DEL TO OUR HOMESTUCK HAVE HEARD THE CASE AGAINST THE MOSAIC CULTURAL COMPLEX PRESENTED A MILLION TIMES, OCCASIONALLY LEGIBLE BETWEEN ADS AND MEMES THAT MAKE OUR LOW-EFFORT WORK LOOK LIKE JOHN SINGER SARGENT (WE WOULD LINK THE ARTICLES, BUT WE THOUGHT SAYING “WE HEARD FROM A FRIEND OF A FRIEND THE AUDIT MIGHT COME BACK DIRTY” AND THEN PARAPHRASING PRIOR ARTICLES ON MOSAIC TO FILL THE REST OF YOUR WORD COUNT DESERVED AN EQUAL LEVEL OF EFFORT FROM US). EVERYONE FROM JANICE HARVEY TO CHRISTOPHER PINTO RIPPED INTO THEM, AND WE EXPECT TONIGHT’S COUNCIL SESSION TO BE UGLIER THAN SEXTING WITH JOHN FRESOLO.

THEREFORE, LET US PLAY BIZARRO ADVOCATE… AND ADDRESS THE CASE FOR MOSAIC.

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MINUTES FROM THE APRIL 1ST CHANDLER MAGNET SCHOOL BALL FIELD MEETING

(BIZARRO NOTE: THE PLAN WERE OFFICIALLY CANCELLED, BUT SINCE WE PUT SO LITTLE EFFORT INTO THIS RIP-OFF OF A SIMPSONS CLASSIC, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD POST IT ANYWAY…)

 

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Ed Augustus Jr:
Y’know, a city with a ball field’s a little like the panhandler with a credit card. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!

(audience laughs)

Rick Rushton:
Heh heh! Panhandler.

Ed Augustus Jr:
The name’s Augustus, Ed Augustus Junior. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest…

Aw, it’s not for you. It’s more of a Lawrence idea.

Joe Petty:
Now wait just a minute! We’re twice as smart as the people of Lawrence! Just tell us your idea and we’ll vote for it!

Ed Augustus Jr:
All right, I tell you what I’ll do. I’ll show you my idea!

I give you… the Chandler Magnet Parking Lot!

(everyone gasps)

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THE 2015 BIZARRO WORCESTER ST. PATRICK’S DAY ROAST!!!!!!!!!

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES!!!!!!!! HOW AM EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT??????????

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WE HEARD KONSTANTINA LUKES WERE GOING TO SPEAK TODAY!!!

BUT SINCE WE DIDN’T LIKE HER MATERIAL, WE REPLACED HER.

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“193 IS THE NEW 3”, 194 AM NOT 13, AND OTHER WORCESTER MATHEMATICAL TRIUMPHS

FOR OVER 1200 YEARS, THE WORLD HAVE SUFFERED UNDER THE TYRANNY OF THE HINDU-ARABIC NUMERICAL SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT HAVE LAIN STAGNANT SINCE AL-KHWARIZMI POPULARIZED THE USE OF BIZARRO NUMBER ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THANKS TO THE WORK OF CHARTER, WHO WILL CERTAINLY NOT GET ANY WORSE WITH AN IMMINENT CHANGING OF THE GUARD TO COMCAST, WE IN WORCESTER HAVE MADE A BREAKTHROUGH IN MATHEMATICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE NUMBER 3 NO LONGER EXISTS AS IT ONCE DID!!!!!!!!!!! ONCE A BASTION OF SUCH RIVETING PROGRAMS AS 6TH SENSE AND BEYOND, NOW IT STANDS AS A BASTION OF WHATEVER GARBAGE WOULDN’T SELL AT MACY’S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEREFORE, IN A DESPERATE BID TO REMIND PEOPLE THAT THEIR PARENT COMPANY AM CERTAINLY NOT SOUL-SUCKING LEECHES, CHARTER TV3 HAVE DEVISED A SOLUTION WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER APPROVE:

193 AM THE NEW 3!!!!!!!!!!!!

WCCA FOLLOWED SUIT WITH THEIR “194 — NOT 13, LIKE ‘BEFORE’” CAMPAIGN, BUT NO ONE COULD GET THE PUNCTUATION RIGHT.

IN ADDITION, IN NEWS NOT NOTABLE ENOUGH FOR A WACKY CATCHPHRASE:

  • EDUCATIONAL ACCESS CHANNEL 11 MOVED TO 191
  • GOVERNMENT ACCESS CHANNEL 12 MOVED TO 192.

PREPARE TO BE BLATHERED TO ON HOW ALL OF THIS AFFECTS YOUR DAILY LIVES!!!!!!!!!!

 

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