Tag Archives: MAGIC EMPEROR PHIL PALMIERI

THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS: A RAMBLING RECAP OF THE BEST, THE WORST, AND THE INVETTIBLE

FOREMOST AND FIRST, WE THANK ALL VOTERS WHO WENT TO THE POLLS IN SPITE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO WRITE IN A BIZARRO VOTE. WE KNOW THIS MADE YOUR CHOICE DIFFICULT.

ALTHOUGH WE CANNOT CLAIM A TRUE SENSE OF PRIDE OVER A 21.3% TURNOUT (DESPITE IT BEING THE HIGHEST TURNOUT BY PERCENTAGE SINCE 2009, AS NOTED BY BIG SMARTY-PANTS REPORTER AND SPELLCHECK-BREAKER NICK KOTSOPOULOS), WE CAN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE THAT IT TROUNCED 2013’S TURNOUT OF 14.4%!!!!!

THEREFORE, LET US TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE 2015 ELECTIONS IN WORCESTER.

SPOILER: NONE OF THE LOSERS SHALL BE US. WE GOT ALL OUR PREDICTIONS RIGHT. ESPECIALLY OUR PICK FOR MAYOR.

 

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (SEPTEMBER RECAP)

THE PRELIMINARIES HAVE GONE AND COME. THROUGH OUR DEFT SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE CAMPAIGN USING THE FIRST LETTERS OF EVERY SENTENCE IN JANICE HARVEY’S WORCESTER MAGAZINE COLUMNS, WE SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO SAY “TGIUTLYHIGHLIGEUYTIUITRIYW” AND BOOST PRELIMINARY TURNOUT TO 11.2%!!!!!

PITIFUL THOUGH THIS MAY BE, WE AT LEAST ESCAPED THE IGNOMINY OF A TURNOUT EVEN MORE ABYSMAL THAN 2011. THEREFORE, NOW THE TIME HAVE COME FOR A PREMATURE CELEBRATION!!!!!!!! WE WERE PLEASED ENOUGH WITH OUR INFORMAL RANKINGS TO GLOAT FAR BEYOND OUR TALENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS A RESULT, WE PRESENT A LOOK AT THE WINNERS AND/OR LOSERS THUS FAR, INCLUDING A FEW OFFHAND PREDICTIONS WE SHALL COMPLETELY DENY HAVING MADE LATER.

ONE MORE THING BEFORE THE REST OF OUR GLORIOUS ARTICLE: WE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ALL THE CANDIDATES, INCLUDING THOSE STILL IN THE RUNNING, FORCED OUT, AND THOSE WHO SIMPLY WITHDREW

… THANK YOU.

 

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PROGRAMMING NOTE: TWO-MONTH HIATUS… PLUS TURNOUT TALK!!!!!

IT AM WITH THE GREATEST SADNESS WE CAN MUSTER IN BIZARRO WORCESTER THAT WE MUST RELEASE YOU CITIZENS FROM OUR IRON-FISTED CLUTCHES UNTIL SEPTEMBER. BUT BEFORE WE DEPART, WE HAVE ONE FINAL COMMENT ON THE UPCOMING 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS.

THE SUMMER AM FAST APPROACHING ITS HEAT-DEATH. IN ONE MONTH ON SEPTEMBER 8TH, A CROWD OF 16 AT-LARGE COMBATANTS SHALL BE REDUCED TO 12, WHILE THE UNRULY CROWD OF 4 GLADIATORS FROM DISTRICT 2 SHALL BE SLASHED IN HALF. REALITY SHOWS CAN ONLY DREAM OF BEING SO EFFICIENT!!!!!

WE HAVE HAD TALKS ABOUT RACE, POLICE, EDUCATION AND EVEN THE INTERNETS!!! WE EVEN HAVE A CONTROVERSY WITH POTENTIAL TO DRIVE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES TO THE POLL BOOTHS!!!!!!! WE ONLY RARELY SEE LOCAL POLITICS THIS HEATED. WE HAVE HAD AN UNPRECEDENTED NUMBER OF PROTESTERS AND POLITICIANS AND JOURNALISTS AND PUNDITS AND BLOGGERS AND TWEETERS TAKE A STAND OF SOME KIND ON SO MANY ISSUES AFFECTING WORCESTER, BOTH FROM WITHOUT AND WITHIN. IT WOULD BE A TRAVESTY INDEED IF THE SUM TOTAL OF SO MANY PEOPLE’S LABOR… SHOULD BE SINGLE-DIGIT TURNOUT, AS WE FEAR.

THEREFORE, WE SHALL INDEED BE PAYING CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS ELECTION. IN OCTOBER, WE SHALL POST OUR OFFICIAL BIZARRO PICKS TO AID THOSE WHO FIND NARROWING TWO COMPETITIVE FIELDS DOWN TO 6 CANDIDATES TOUGHER THAN CHOOSING MUNCHKINS FOR A STAFF MEETING. WE WOULD DO THE SAME FOR THE 16 AT-LARGE CANDIDATES NOW, BUT THIS PRELIMINARY ELECTION AM MORE ABOUT CAMPAIGN OUTREACH THAN LEGISLATIVE PROWESS. WE DO NOT EXPECT THE TOP 12 TO BE TOO DIFFERENT FROM OUR PREDICTIONS. BARRING RON O’CLAIR MAKING THE CUT, WE CARE LITTLE FOR WHO SHOULD ADVANCE TO NOVEMBER.

WHAT WE SHALL BE WATCHING MOST AM THE TURNOUT.

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PREPARE FOR A MATH LESSON, DUNCES!!!!!!!!!!

 

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

ONE MIGHT THINK THE REAL POWER IN WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT WOULD LIE IN THE MAYOR’S OFFICE OR THE CITY MANAGER’S OFFICE OR OF THE GUY IN CHARGE OF DISTRIBUTING SHAQ ARIZONA STRAWBERRY CREAM SODA TO WORCESTER.

IN FACT, THE AT-LARGE COUNCILORS OF WORCESTER CONTROL WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT LARGELY BECAUSE ONCE ELECTED, THEY NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE POLITICS!!!!!! WHEN THE INVETTIBLE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST FINALLY STRIKES, THERE SHALL BE COCKROACHES… AND AT-LARGE COUNCILORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AN ASTONISHING 18 CANDIDATES WERE FIRST NAMED FOR THE FIELD. BUT PAUL COONEY JR AND RICK RUSHTON BOTH DECIDED THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE LIVES AND SO NOW WE HAVE A STILL-LIVELY FIELD OF 16 TO CULL TO 12 ON SEPTEMBER 8TH!!!!! BUT BEFORE THE SEPTEMBER RUN-OFF, IN WHICH WE EXPECT HUNDRED OF CITIZENS TO PARTICIPATE… WE IN BIZARRO WORLD SHALL MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU AND DECIDE WHO SHALL GOVERN YOUR MISERABLE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE WE PLAN TO SAVE THE MAYOR’S OFFICE FOR A FOURTH UPDATE TO STRETCH THIS NONSENSE EVEN FURTHER, MICHAEL GAFFNEY AND JOSEPH PETTY SHALL BOTH RECEIVE A SEPARATE UPDATE.

WE ASSUME PETTY AND GAFFNEY RETAIN THEIR COUNCIL SEATS.

AS ALWAYS, ALL CANDIDATES SHALL BE DIVIDED INTO THREE GROUPS WITH NAMES IN A VAGUE REFERENCE TO HUMOR. EACH CANDIDATE’S BIOGRAPHY SHALL INCLUDE EXPERT ARTISTIC RENDITIONS OF THEIR CAMPAIGN SIGNS, FOLLOWED BY NONSENSICAL INFORMATION AND THEN, WITH THE LEAD SUCCESSFULLY BURIED, AN ASSESSMENT OF THEIR CURRENT POSITION. THE LINKS FOR EACH CANDIDATE’S CAMPAIGN AM THE BEST WE COULD FIND WITH 2 MINUTES OF SEARCHING GOOGLE. DON’T HARASS ANYONE ON FACEBOOK, NERD.

NOTE: IN THE EVENT THAT WE CANNOT FIND A CURRENT SIGN TO CRUDELY REPRODUCE, WE SHALL EITHER FIND THE LAST ONE AVAILABLE ONLINE OR — IN THE INTERESTS OF UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED PSEUDO-JOURNALISM — JUST MAKE ONE UP. IF YOU FIND ANY SIGNS WE MISSED AND WISH THEM TO BE ACCURATELY MISREPRESENTED, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT OR OTHERWISE CONTACT US.

 

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PROGRAMMING NOTE: HOW TO RUN A 21ST-CENTURY CAMPAIGN FOR A 20TH-CENTURY CITY

MANY THEORIES ABOUND ON HOW TO RUN A SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN FOR OFFICE IN WORCESTER. MOST OF THEM SUCK. BUT THE ONE WE NEVER HEAR??? “YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH NOT USING THE TOOLS AVAILABLE TO YOU.”

IN 2009, FUTURE MAYOR JOE O’BRIEN BECAME ONE OF THE FIRST POLITICIANS IN WORCESTER TO USE TWO WEBSITES CALLED TWITTER AND FACEBOOK WHICH WERE OF COURSE NEVER HEARD FROM EVER AGAIN. HIS CAMPAIGN, THOUGH PERHAPS WITH A FEW TOO CLOSE INSIDER TIES FOR COMFORT, LEVERAGED THE INTERNET LIKE NONE BEFORE OR, FOR YOUR MONEY, SINCE.

THIS MIGHT SURPRISE YOU, BUT WE FIND THE INTERNET A USEFUL TOOL!!! FOR A MINIMAL INVESTMENT OF TIME, YOU RELAY A MESSAGE TO ANYONE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO STUMBLE ONTO YOUR WEBSITE!!!!!! NO PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE OF ANY KIND NECESSARY — JUST A KEYBOARD OR EVEN JUST YOUR PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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HOW EASY????

WE MADE THIS.

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

HAVING EFFORTLESSLY DECIDED THE 2015 WORCESTER SCHOOL COMMITTEE ELECTION BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED, WE NOW TAKE THE HERCULEAN TASK OF DECIDING WHO SHALL REPRESENT THE 5 DISTRICTS OF WORCESTER AS DISTRICT COUNCILORS!!!!!!!!!

OR, AS THE AT-LARGE COUNCILORS PREFER TO CALL THEM, PAWNS.

GEORGE RUSSELL OF DISTRICT 3 AND GARY ROSEN OF DISTRICT 5 AM RUNNING UNOPPOSED. THEREFORE, THEY AM SURE TO LOSE AND NO MORE NEED BE SAID ABOUT THEM.

HOWEVER, WE STILL HAVE TWO EXTREMELY CONTENTIOUS RACES IN DISTRICTS 2 AND 4 AND WE GUESS ALSO ONE IN DISTRICT 1!!!!! AND SO WE ONCE AGAIN MUST TAKE OUR KINGMAKING SKILLS OF USING GOOGLE AND THROWING DARTS AT DARTBOARDS TO DETERMINE WHO AM MOST FAVORED TO WIN!!!!!!!!!!

AS BEFORE, WE SHALL CURATE MASTERFUL REPRESENTATIONS OF EACH CANDIDATE IN THE INTEREST OF UNFAIRNESS. IF WE HAVE DONE OUR JOB CORRECTLY, BY THE TIME WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE AN ASSESSMENT AND PREDICTION, YOU SHALL BE GIGGLING AT THE PRETTY PICTURES AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THOSE PREDICTIONS AND THEIR POINTLESSNESS WITH FIVE MONTHS BEFORE ELECTION DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE AM MASTERS OF CLICKBAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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MINUTES FROM THE APRIL 1ST CHANDLER MAGNET SCHOOL BALL FIELD MEETING

(BIZARRO NOTE: THE PLAN WERE OFFICIALLY CANCELLED, BUT SINCE WE PUT SO LITTLE EFFORT INTO THIS RIP-OFF OF A SIMPSONS CLASSIC, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD POST IT ANYWAY…)

 

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Ed Augustus Jr:
Y’know, a city with a ball field’s a little like the panhandler with a credit card. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!

(audience laughs)

Rick Rushton:
Heh heh! Panhandler.

Ed Augustus Jr:
The name’s Augustus, Ed Augustus Junior. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest…

Aw, it’s not for you. It’s more of a Lawrence idea.

Joe Petty:
Now wait just a minute! We’re twice as smart as the people of Lawrence! Just tell us your idea and we’ll vote for it!

Ed Augustus Jr:
All right, I tell you what I’ll do. I’ll show you my idea!

I give you… the Chandler Magnet Parking Lot!

(everyone gasps)

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THE 2015 BIZARRO WORCESTER ST. PATRICK’S DAY ROAST!!!!!!!!!

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES!!!!!!!! HOW AM EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT??????????

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WE HEARD KONSTANTINA LUKES WERE GOING TO SPEAK TODAY!!!

BUT SINCE WE DIDN’T LIKE HER MATERIAL, WE REPLACED HER.

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