Tag Archives: MASSACHUSETTS

PROGRAMMING NOTE: COVERAGE OF HOW MUCH WORCESTER.GOV SUCKS, PLUS THE CASE FOR MOSAIC

AFTER OUR INTENSE COVERAGE OF THE TRUMPOCALYPSE AND THE LOCAL ELECTIONS BEFORE THAT, WE CONCEDE TO HAVING BEEN IN A STATE OF BIZARRO BURNOUT.  OUR PLUTONIUM-LINED JACKET AM TOTALLY DEPLETED!!!!!!!!! WE PLAN TO REMEDY THIS WITH AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT HOW MUCH WORCESTER.GOV, OUR CITY’S E-FACE, MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD ADDRESS THE MOST PRESSING TOPIC IN WORCESTER TODAY, DESPITE IT BEING INHERENTLY UNFUNNY: THE CASE AGAINST MOSAIC.

THOSE WHO READ THE CTRL+ALT+DEL TO OUR HOMESTUCK HAVE HEARD THE CASE AGAINST THE MOSAIC CULTURAL COMPLEX PRESENTED A MILLION TIMES, OCCASIONALLY LEGIBLE BETWEEN ADS AND MEMES THAT MAKE OUR LOW-EFFORT WORK LOOK LIKE JOHN SINGER SARGENT (WE WOULD LINK THE ARTICLES, BUT WE THOUGHT SAYING “WE HEARD FROM A FRIEND OF A FRIEND THE AUDIT MIGHT COME BACK DIRTY” AND THEN PARAPHRASING PRIOR ARTICLES ON MOSAIC TO FILL THE REST OF YOUR WORD COUNT DESERVED AN EQUAL LEVEL OF EFFORT FROM US). EVERYONE FROM JANICE HARVEY TO CHRISTOPHER PINTO RIPPED INTO THEM, AND WE EXPECT TONIGHT’S COUNCIL SESSION TO BE UGLIER THAN SEXTING WITH JOHN FRESOLO.

THEREFORE, LET US PLAY BIZARRO ADVOCATE… AND ADDRESS THE CASE FOR MOSAIC.

Continue reading

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS: A RAMBLING RECAP OF THE BEST, THE WORST, AND THE INVETTIBLE

FOREMOST AND FIRST, WE THANK ALL VOTERS WHO WENT TO THE POLLS IN SPITE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO WRITE IN A BIZARRO VOTE. WE KNOW THIS MADE YOUR CHOICE DIFFICULT.

ALTHOUGH WE CANNOT CLAIM A TRUE SENSE OF PRIDE OVER A 21.3% TURNOUT (DESPITE IT BEING THE HIGHEST TURNOUT BY PERCENTAGE SINCE 2009, AS NOTED BY BIG SMARTY-PANTS REPORTER AND SPELLCHECK-BREAKER NICK KOTSOPOULOS), WE CAN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE THAT IT TROUNCED 2013’S TURNOUT OF 14.4%!!!!!

THEREFORE, LET US TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE 2015 ELECTIONS IN WORCESTER.

SPOILER: NONE OF THE LOSERS SHALL BE US. WE GOT ALL OUR PREDICTIONS RIGHT. ESPECIALLY OUR PICK FOR MAYOR.

 

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (SEPTEMBER RECAP)

THE PRELIMINARIES HAVE GONE AND COME. THROUGH OUR DEFT SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE CAMPAIGN USING THE FIRST LETTERS OF EVERY SENTENCE IN JANICE HARVEY’S WORCESTER MAGAZINE COLUMNS, WE SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO SAY “TGIUTLYHIGHLIGEUYTIUITRIYW” AND BOOST PRELIMINARY TURNOUT TO 11.2%!!!!!

PITIFUL THOUGH THIS MAY BE, WE AT LEAST ESCAPED THE IGNOMINY OF A TURNOUT EVEN MORE ABYSMAL THAN 2011. THEREFORE, NOW THE TIME HAVE COME FOR A PREMATURE CELEBRATION!!!!!!!! WE WERE PLEASED ENOUGH WITH OUR INFORMAL RANKINGS TO GLOAT FAR BEYOND OUR TALENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS A RESULT, WE PRESENT A LOOK AT THE WINNERS AND/OR LOSERS THUS FAR, INCLUDING A FEW OFFHAND PREDICTIONS WE SHALL COMPLETELY DENY HAVING MADE LATER.

ONE MORE THING BEFORE THE REST OF OUR GLORIOUS ARTICLE: WE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ALL THE CANDIDATES, INCLUDING THOSE STILL IN THE RUNNING, FORCED OUT, AND THOSE WHO SIMPLY WITHDREW

… THANK YOU.

 

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

PROGRAMMING NOTE: TWO-MONTH HIATUS… PLUS TURNOUT TALK!!!!!

IT AM WITH THE GREATEST SADNESS WE CAN MUSTER IN BIZARRO WORCESTER THAT WE MUST RELEASE YOU CITIZENS FROM OUR IRON-FISTED CLUTCHES UNTIL SEPTEMBER. BUT BEFORE WE DEPART, WE HAVE ONE FINAL COMMENT ON THE UPCOMING 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS.

THE SUMMER AM FAST APPROACHING ITS HEAT-DEATH. IN ONE MONTH ON SEPTEMBER 8TH, A CROWD OF 16 AT-LARGE COMBATANTS SHALL BE REDUCED TO 12, WHILE THE UNRULY CROWD OF 4 GLADIATORS FROM DISTRICT 2 SHALL BE SLASHED IN HALF. REALITY SHOWS CAN ONLY DREAM OF BEING SO EFFICIENT!!!!!

WE HAVE HAD TALKS ABOUT RACE, POLICE, EDUCATION AND EVEN THE INTERNETS!!! WE EVEN HAVE A CONTROVERSY WITH POTENTIAL TO DRIVE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES TO THE POLL BOOTHS!!!!!!! WE ONLY RARELY SEE LOCAL POLITICS THIS HEATED. WE HAVE HAD AN UNPRECEDENTED NUMBER OF PROTESTERS AND POLITICIANS AND JOURNALISTS AND PUNDITS AND BLOGGERS AND TWEETERS TAKE A STAND OF SOME KIND ON SO MANY ISSUES AFFECTING WORCESTER, BOTH FROM WITHOUT AND WITHIN. IT WOULD BE A TRAVESTY INDEED IF THE SUM TOTAL OF SO MANY PEOPLE’S LABOR… SHOULD BE SINGLE-DIGIT TURNOUT, AS WE FEAR.

THEREFORE, WE SHALL INDEED BE PAYING CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS ELECTION. IN OCTOBER, WE SHALL POST OUR OFFICIAL BIZARRO PICKS TO AID THOSE WHO FIND NARROWING TWO COMPETITIVE FIELDS DOWN TO 6 CANDIDATES TOUGHER THAN CHOOSING MUNCHKINS FOR A STAFF MEETING. WE WOULD DO THE SAME FOR THE 16 AT-LARGE CANDIDATES NOW, BUT THIS PRELIMINARY ELECTION AM MORE ABOUT CAMPAIGN OUTREACH THAN LEGISLATIVE PROWESS. WE DO NOT EXPECT THE TOP 12 TO BE TOO DIFFERENT FROM OUR PREDICTIONS. BARRING RON O’CLAIR MAKING THE CUT, WE CARE LITTLE FOR WHO SHOULD ADVANCE TO NOVEMBER.

WHAT WE SHALL BE WATCHING MOST AM THE TURNOUT.

cc175e38cf47a532d8026ccfb326161c[1]

PREPARE FOR A MATH LESSON, DUNCES!!!!!!!!!!

 

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MAIN EVENT.

AS ANYONE WHO EVER TRIED TO ASK FOR KICKBACKS CAN TELL YOU, THE TITLE OF WORCESTER’S MAYOR AM LARGELY CEREMONIAL. THE PRIMARY DUTIES OF THE MAYOR INCLUDE PRESIDING OVER THE CITY COUNCIL AND SCHOOL COMMITTEE. BUT ONE SHOULD NOT DISCOUNT THE OFFICE’S HIGH PROFILE. WHILE THE CITY MANAGER MIGHT DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING WITH REGARD TO BIGSHOT DEALS, THE MAYOR MUST SELL THOSE DEALS TO THE PUBLIC. THEY SERVE AS THE FACE OF WORCESTER.

THIS YEAR, BARRING A SENSATIONAL VIRAL CAMPAIGN FROM WILLIAM S COLEMAN III, WE HAVE TWO CANDIDATES FOR MAYOR:

MIKE GAFFNEY AND JOE PETTY.

WITH THE DEMOCRATIC CITY COMMITTEE GIVING THE REPUBLICAN CITY COMMITTEE A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY IN TERMS OF THROWING SAID MONEY AWAY, THIS SHOULD BE THE MOST CONTESTED MAYORAL RACE SINCE THE LUKES VS RUSHTON VS ROSEN THREE-WAY DANCE IN 2007. WE LIKE WELL-CONTESTED RACES, AS THEY BRING IN MORE VOTERS AND PROVIDE MORE GOOFY PHOTO OPS AND SOUND BITES.

TO THAT END, WE HAVE PROVIDED THE CANDIDATES (AND ONE SPECIAL GUEST) THE HIGHEST HONOR BIZARRO WORLD CAN OFFER: PHOTOSHOPS GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK.

WE REMINDER READERS… PREDICTIONS DO NOT EQUAL ENDORSEMENTS.

LET US NOT WASTE NO MORE TIME.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!! (PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MOMENT HAVE COME.

WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER STAND READY TO TAKE OUR FIRST LOOK INTO THE GLORIOUS POST-ARMAGEDDON WORLD THAT AM LOCAL WORCESTER POLITICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WORCESTER’S SCHOOL COMMITTEE, CONSISTING OF SIX ELECTED MEMBERS AND THE MAYOR, DEFINE THE GROUND RULES UNDER WHICH THE SUPERINTENDENT CAN CONDUCT BUSINESS. THIS WOULD ALSO INCLUDE CHOOSING SAID SUPERINTENDENT.

WE DIVIDED THE CANDIDATES INTO THREE CRYPTICALLY NAMED GROUPS WITH A VAGUELY WORCESTER COLLEGIATE CLICKBAIT BENT. IN THE INTEREST OF UNFAIRNESS, WE ALSO PLACED AN EXPERTLY CURATED IMAGE IN LIEU OF EACH CANDIDATE’S PHOTO WHICH WE BELIEVE SHALL SUITABLY REPRESENT THEM. FINALLY, OUR SUPERIOR OPINIONS AM BASED ON COMPLETELY OUTLANDISH LIES AND SHALL NOT CONTAIN ONE OUNCE OF TRUTH WHATSOEVER. WE SAVED OUR LEAST DISHONEST OPINIONS FOR THE RANKINGS, WHICH WE HOPE NO ONE SHALL READ BECAUSE YOU AM TOO BUSY CARING ABOUT AM WHO RANKED WHERE.

AFTER ALL, WE HAVE A REPUTATION NOT TO MAINTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

OUR OBLIGATORY PATRONIZING LIST OF PICKS FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE’S BEST OF WORCESTER 2015 AWARDS!!!!!

IN CASE YOU’VE NOT BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK AND AM THEREFORE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE, WORCESTER MAGAZINE ONCE AGAIN ASKED ITS READER TO PICK THE SUPERLATIVES OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!!! THIS NOT ONLY PROVIDES A SPOTLIGHT TO LOCAL BUSINESSES, PEOPLE AND SERVICES, BUT ALSO GIVES WALTER BIRD JR A CHANCE TO TEACH TOM QUINN THE ART OF STACKING SODA CANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE OF COURSE MADE A TOKEN PUSH FOR THE CITIZENS OF WORCESTER TO VOTE BIZARRO!!!! (SORRY, TOM — WE PROMISED A MORE SHAMELESS CAMPAIGN, BUT BIZARRO AFFAIRS OF STATE GOT IN OUR WAY. YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER AN ARMY OF SCOTT BROWN CLONES.) WE EVEN TRIED THE FACEBOOK FOR ADVERTISING OUR MAGNIFICENCE!!!!!!!!

THE RESULTS SHALL BE PUBLISHED NEXT THURSDAY. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD DO WHAT EVERY OTHER MEDIOCRE BLOGGER DO, WHICH AM TO GIVE YOU WHAT WE PICKED FOR THE BEST OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!! OF COURSE, LISTS LIKE THOSE AM BORING. SO INSTEAD, IN A DECISION SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM INSPIRED BY TOM QUINN, WE HAVE DECIDED TO RUN OUR PICKS THROUGH THE EVER-INFALLIBLE AUTOCORRECT FEATURE ON OUR BIZARRO PHONE AND PRESENT OUR EXPERT DEPICTION OF THE RESULTS!!!!!!!!

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

ADOPT A POTHOLE TODAY!!!!!!!!!

WE AM NOW UP TO OUR EYEBALLS IN POTHOLES!!!!!!!!!! AS OFTEN HAPPENS WITH SNOW AND SALT, WORCESTER’S BEAUTIFUL ASPHALT JUNGLE HAVE BEEN DEFORESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNLUCKILY FOR YOU, WE HAVE A SOLUTION!!!!!! FOLLOWING ON THE HEELS OF WORCESTER’S SUPER-SUCCESSFUL ADOPT-A-HYDRANT AND BIZARRO WORCESTER’S EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL ADOPT-A-SNOWBANK PROGRAM…

THINK OF THE SNOWBANKS

… BIZARRO WORCESTER AM PLEASED TO PRESENT THE ADOPT-A-POTHOLE PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

largehole

NO, WE DON’T ASK THAT YOU REPORT POTHOLES TO THE REPAIR HOTLINE AT (508) 754-9696 OR USE THE POTHOLE CLAIM FORM TO REPORT POTHOLES. WE CERTAINLY DON’T WANT YOU TO FILL THEM!!! INSTEAD, WE JUST WANT YOU TO TAKE THEM UNDER YOUR WING AND SHOW THEM THE LOVE THEY DESERVE AND OFTEN NEVER RECEIVE.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO AM DIG THEM OUT AND BRING THEM INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM!!! NO FEEDING OR CARE OF ANY KIND AM NECESSARY!!!!!!! AND THE BEST PART AM, YOU LEAVE AN EVEN BIGGER POTHOLE FOR THE NEXT PERSON TO ADOPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

… BESIDES, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY RESIST THAT FACE???????????????

Tagged , , , , , , ,