Ladies and gentlemen, students, teachers and citizens of Bizarro Worcester,
First of all, I would like to thank 99% of the students of Worcester for the kindness and respect they’ve shown me since starting my job as Superintendent of Bizarro Worcester Public Schools in 2009, as demonstrated on social media:
I would also like to thank 71.42% of the School Committee for once again renewing my contract for the next three years. Without their help, we wouldn’t have spurred the youth of this city into action, including one young man who might be elected to the school committee purely as a referendum on my performance. It can therefore be said that my policies have increased youth participation in our municipal government to record-breaking levels.
Finally, I would like to thank Mayor Joseph Petty for his support through this troubling time for the Worcester Public Schools administration. Mr. Mayor, let me assure you right now that there is a 16% chance I will be able to help you get the exam school you have been working on since your inaugural address in 2012. Although it is 78% possible you may just be supporting me because you really need that school, I’m not going to complain. I have 194,826 reasons not to.
Now, to business. There is an 89.61% chance you may have heard about North High School and what is being portrayed in 95% of local media as a failure to supervise our children and enforce the laws of our city, state and country, as well as failure to collaborate with the Worcester Police Department towards a solution agreeable to our entire city. I have been assigned 77% of the blame for this, including accusations that I favor statistical analysis to direct meetings 62% of the time.
Therefore, there is a 50.00% chance that what I am about to tell you is very important.