Tag Archives: PROFESSIONAL BUSYBODY TRACY NOVICK

THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS: A RAMBLING RECAP OF THE BEST, THE WORST, AND THE INVETTIBLE

FOREMOST AND FIRST, WE THANK ALL VOTERS WHO WENT TO THE POLLS IN SPITE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO WRITE IN A BIZARRO VOTE. WE KNOW THIS MADE YOUR CHOICE DIFFICULT.

ALTHOUGH WE CANNOT CLAIM A TRUE SENSE OF PRIDE OVER A 21.3% TURNOUT (DESPITE IT BEING THE HIGHEST TURNOUT BY PERCENTAGE SINCE 2009, AS NOTED BY BIG SMARTY-PANTS REPORTER AND SPELLCHECK-BREAKER NICK KOTSOPOULOS), WE CAN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE THAT IT TROUNCED 2013’S TURNOUT OF 14.4%!!!!!

THEREFORE, LET US TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE 2015 ELECTIONS IN WORCESTER.

SPOILER: NONE OF THE LOSERS SHALL BE US. WE GOT ALL OUR PREDICTIONS RIGHT. ESPECIALLY OUR PICK FOR MAYOR.

 

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THE BIZARRO WORCESTER TICKET

INTIMIDATED BY THE BALLOT??

CONFUSED BY WORCESTER’S MEGABUCKS-STYLE COUNCIL ELECTION PROCESS????

LOOKING FOR OUR BIZARRO TICKET TO MAKE YOUR VOTING LIVES EASIER ON NOVEMBER 3RD?!?!?!?!?!?

LOOK NO FURTHER, CITIZEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE ALREADY MADE PREDICTIONS REGARDING THE WORCESTER ELECTIONS FOR SCHOOL COMMITTEE, CITY COUNCIL AND MAYOR, WHICH WE GUARANTEE TO BE AT LEAST 1% ACCURATE, AND WHICH WE MADE PROBABLY WAY TOO PREMATURELY. BUT EVEN THOUGH WE CAN RIG THE ELECTIONS WITH ONE SNAP OF OUR FINGERS, WE UNDERSTAND SOME OF YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW WHO WE WOULD VOTE FOR IF SUCH A THING WERE NOT AN ABOMINATION IN BIZARRO WORLD.

WE HIGHLY RECOMMEND BLOC VOTING (AS HAVE LESSER BLOGS) AND WE UNDERSTAND OTHER MORE RESPECTABLE SITES SHALL BE GIVING ENDORSEMENTS IN THE NEXT 2-3 MONTHS IF THEY HAVE NOT ALREADY. WE WOULD DO THE SAME. JUST ONE PROBLEM…

WE DO NOT HAVE A BIZARRO TICKET.

NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!!!!!!!!

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (SEPTEMBER RECAP)

THE PRELIMINARIES HAVE GONE AND COME. THROUGH OUR DEFT SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE CAMPAIGN USING THE FIRST LETTERS OF EVERY SENTENCE IN JANICE HARVEY’S WORCESTER MAGAZINE COLUMNS, WE SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO SAY “TGIUTLYHIGHLIGEUYTIUITRIYW” AND BOOST PRELIMINARY TURNOUT TO 11.2%!!!!!

PITIFUL THOUGH THIS MAY BE, WE AT LEAST ESCAPED THE IGNOMINY OF A TURNOUT EVEN MORE ABYSMAL THAN 2011. THEREFORE, NOW THE TIME HAVE COME FOR A PREMATURE CELEBRATION!!!!!!!! WE WERE PLEASED ENOUGH WITH OUR INFORMAL RANKINGS TO GLOAT FAR BEYOND OUR TALENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS A RESULT, WE PRESENT A LOOK AT THE WINNERS AND/OR LOSERS THUS FAR, INCLUDING A FEW OFFHAND PREDICTIONS WE SHALL COMPLETELY DENY HAVING MADE LATER.

ONE MORE THING BEFORE THE REST OF OUR GLORIOUS ARTICLE: WE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ALL THE CANDIDATES, INCLUDING THOSE STILL IN THE RUNNING, FORCED OUT, AND THOSE WHO SIMPLY WITHDREW

… THANK YOU.

 

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PROGRAMMING NOTE: TWO-MONTH HIATUS… PLUS TURNOUT TALK!!!!!

IT AM WITH THE GREATEST SADNESS WE CAN MUSTER IN BIZARRO WORCESTER THAT WE MUST RELEASE YOU CITIZENS FROM OUR IRON-FISTED CLUTCHES UNTIL SEPTEMBER. BUT BEFORE WE DEPART, WE HAVE ONE FINAL COMMENT ON THE UPCOMING 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS.

THE SUMMER AM FAST APPROACHING ITS HEAT-DEATH. IN ONE MONTH ON SEPTEMBER 8TH, A CROWD OF 16 AT-LARGE COMBATANTS SHALL BE REDUCED TO 12, WHILE THE UNRULY CROWD OF 4 GLADIATORS FROM DISTRICT 2 SHALL BE SLASHED IN HALF. REALITY SHOWS CAN ONLY DREAM OF BEING SO EFFICIENT!!!!!

WE HAVE HAD TALKS ABOUT RACE, POLICE, EDUCATION AND EVEN THE INTERNETS!!! WE EVEN HAVE A CONTROVERSY WITH POTENTIAL TO DRIVE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES TO THE POLL BOOTHS!!!!!!! WE ONLY RARELY SEE LOCAL POLITICS THIS HEATED. WE HAVE HAD AN UNPRECEDENTED NUMBER OF PROTESTERS AND POLITICIANS AND JOURNALISTS AND PUNDITS AND BLOGGERS AND TWEETERS TAKE A STAND OF SOME KIND ON SO MANY ISSUES AFFECTING WORCESTER, BOTH FROM WITHOUT AND WITHIN. IT WOULD BE A TRAVESTY INDEED IF THE SUM TOTAL OF SO MANY PEOPLE’S LABOR… SHOULD BE SINGLE-DIGIT TURNOUT, AS WE FEAR.

THEREFORE, WE SHALL INDEED BE PAYING CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS ELECTION. IN OCTOBER, WE SHALL POST OUR OFFICIAL BIZARRO PICKS TO AID THOSE WHO FIND NARROWING TWO COMPETITIVE FIELDS DOWN TO 6 CANDIDATES TOUGHER THAN CHOOSING MUNCHKINS FOR A STAFF MEETING. WE WOULD DO THE SAME FOR THE 16 AT-LARGE CANDIDATES NOW, BUT THIS PRELIMINARY ELECTION AM MORE ABOUT CAMPAIGN OUTREACH THAN LEGISLATIVE PROWESS. WE DO NOT EXPECT THE TOP 12 TO BE TOO DIFFERENT FROM OUR PREDICTIONS. BARRING RON O’CLAIR MAKING THE CUT, WE CARE LITTLE FOR WHO SHOULD ADVANCE TO NOVEMBER.

WHAT WE SHALL BE WATCHING MOST AM THE TURNOUT.

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PREPARE FOR A MATH LESSON, DUNCES!!!!!!!!!!

 

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!! (PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MOMENT HAVE COME.

WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER STAND READY TO TAKE OUR FIRST LOOK INTO THE GLORIOUS POST-ARMAGEDDON WORLD THAT AM LOCAL WORCESTER POLITICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WORCESTER’S SCHOOL COMMITTEE, CONSISTING OF SIX ELECTED MEMBERS AND THE MAYOR, DEFINE THE GROUND RULES UNDER WHICH THE SUPERINTENDENT CAN CONDUCT BUSINESS. THIS WOULD ALSO INCLUDE CHOOSING SAID SUPERINTENDENT.

WE DIVIDED THE CANDIDATES INTO THREE CRYPTICALLY NAMED GROUPS WITH A VAGUELY WORCESTER COLLEGIATE CLICKBAIT BENT. IN THE INTEREST OF UNFAIRNESS, WE ALSO PLACED AN EXPERTLY CURATED IMAGE IN LIEU OF EACH CANDIDATE’S PHOTO WHICH WE BELIEVE SHALL SUITABLY REPRESENT THEM. FINALLY, OUR SUPERIOR OPINIONS AM BASED ON COMPLETELY OUTLANDISH LIES AND SHALL NOT CONTAIN ONE OUNCE OF TRUTH WHATSOEVER. WE SAVED OUR LEAST DISHONEST OPINIONS FOR THE RANKINGS, WHICH WE HOPE NO ONE SHALL READ BECAUSE YOU AM TOO BUSY CARING ABOUT AM WHO RANKED WHERE.

AFTER ALL, WE HAVE A REPUTATION NOT TO MAINTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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OUR OBLIGATORY PATRONIZING LIST OF PICKS FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE’S BEST OF WORCESTER 2015 AWARDS!!!!!

IN CASE YOU’VE NOT BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK AND AM THEREFORE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE, WORCESTER MAGAZINE ONCE AGAIN ASKED ITS READER TO PICK THE SUPERLATIVES OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!!! THIS NOT ONLY PROVIDES A SPOTLIGHT TO LOCAL BUSINESSES, PEOPLE AND SERVICES, BUT ALSO GIVES WALTER BIRD JR A CHANCE TO TEACH TOM QUINN THE ART OF STACKING SODA CANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE OF COURSE MADE A TOKEN PUSH FOR THE CITIZENS OF WORCESTER TO VOTE BIZARRO!!!! (SORRY, TOM — WE PROMISED A MORE SHAMELESS CAMPAIGN, BUT BIZARRO AFFAIRS OF STATE GOT IN OUR WAY. YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER AN ARMY OF SCOTT BROWN CLONES.) WE EVEN TRIED THE FACEBOOK FOR ADVERTISING OUR MAGNIFICENCE!!!!!!!!

THE RESULTS SHALL BE PUBLISHED NEXT THURSDAY. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD DO WHAT EVERY OTHER MEDIOCRE BLOGGER DO, WHICH AM TO GIVE YOU WHAT WE PICKED FOR THE BEST OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!! OF COURSE, LISTS LIKE THOSE AM BORING. SO INSTEAD, IN A DECISION SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM INSPIRED BY TOM QUINN, WE HAVE DECIDED TO RUN OUR PICKS THROUGH THE EVER-INFALLIBLE AUTOCORRECT FEATURE ON OUR BIZARRO PHONE AND PRESENT OUR EXPERT DEPICTION OF THE RESULTS!!!!!!!!

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FROM THE DESK OF DR. ENOOB ADNILEM, SUPERINTENDENT OF BIZARRO WORCESTER PUBLIC SCHOOLS

Ladies and gentlemen, students, teachers and citizens of Bizarro Worcester,

First of all, I would like to thank 99% of the students of Worcester for the kindness and respect they’ve shown me since starting my job as Superintendent of Bizarro Worcester Public Schools in 2009, as demonstrated on social media:

I would also like to thank 71.42% of the School Committee for once again renewing my contract for the next three years. Without their help, we wouldn’t have spurred the youth of this city into action, including one young man who might be elected to the school committee purely as a referendum on my performance. It can therefore be said that my policies have increased youth participation in our municipal government to record-breaking levels.

Finally, I would like to thank Mayor Joseph Petty for his support through this troubling time for the Worcester Public Schools administration. Mr. Mayor, let me assure you right now that there is a 16% chance I will be able to help you get the exam school you have been working on since your inaugural address in 2012. Although it is 78% possible you may just be supporting me because you really need that school, I’m not going to complain. I have 194,826 reasons not to.

Now, to business. There is an 89.61% chance you may have heard about North High School and what is being portrayed in 95% of local media as a failure to supervise our children and enforce the laws of our city, state and country, as well as failure to collaborate with the Worcester Police Department towards a solution agreeable to our entire city. I have been assigned 77% of the blame for this, including accusations that I favor statistical analysis to direct meetings 62% of the time.

Therefore, there is a 50.00% chance that what I am about to tell you is very important.

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EULOGY FOR TURTLE BOY (SPORTS) [BIZARRO UPDATE]

UPDATE: AT SOME POINT, TURTLE BOY HAVE UNDERGONE A BRAIN TRANSPLANT AND/OR PSYCHOTIC BREAK. THE TURTLE BOY SPORTS WEBSITE HAVE RETURNED, BUT WITH A REFERENCE TO “LAYING EGGS” AND “TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES” WITH THE ARCHIVES, WHICH IN NO WAY MEAN “ERASING EVERY TRACE OF THE ARTICLES SO BAD THEY WOULD GET US CROSS-EXAMINED BY THE GUY WE PLUG ON OUR WEBSITE”.

WE SHALL GIVE THE VOICES IN TURTLE BOY’S HEAD THE PENALTY OF THE DOUBT. SO LONG AS THEY WISH TO AT LEAST NOT TURN THEIR WEBSITE INTO RAY RIVERA III’S HOUSE AGAIN, WE RETAIN INDIFFERENCE. WE MARK THIS PAGE A BIZARRO CULTURAL ARTIFACT DUE TO ITS HISTORICAL AND SHAMELESS CLICKBAIT VALUE.

 

DEARLY BELOATHED CITIZENS OF WORCESTER…

RIP_TURTLEBOY

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