Tag Archives: RICK RUSHTON CHOOSES POORLY

PROGRAMMING NOTE: COVERAGE OF HOW MUCH WORCESTER.GOV SUCKS, PLUS THE CASE FOR MOSAIC

AFTER OUR INTENSE COVERAGE OF THE TRUMPOCALYPSE AND THE LOCAL ELECTIONS BEFORE THAT, WE CONCEDE TO HAVING BEEN IN A STATE OF BIZARRO BURNOUT.  OUR PLUTONIUM-LINED JACKET AM TOTALLY DEPLETED!!!!!!!!! WE PLAN TO REMEDY THIS WITH AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT HOW MUCH WORCESTER.GOV, OUR CITY’S E-FACE, MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD ADDRESS THE MOST PRESSING TOPIC IN WORCESTER TODAY, DESPITE IT BEING INHERENTLY UNFUNNY: THE CASE AGAINST MOSAIC.

THOSE WHO READ THE CTRL+ALT+DEL TO OUR HOMESTUCK HAVE HEARD THE CASE AGAINST THE MOSAIC CULTURAL COMPLEX PRESENTED A MILLION TIMES, OCCASIONALLY LEGIBLE BETWEEN ADS AND MEMES THAT MAKE OUR LOW-EFFORT WORK LOOK LIKE JOHN SINGER SARGENT (WE WOULD LINK THE ARTICLES, BUT WE THOUGHT SAYING “WE HEARD FROM A FRIEND OF A FRIEND THE AUDIT MIGHT COME BACK DIRTY” AND THEN PARAPHRASING PRIOR ARTICLES ON MOSAIC TO FILL THE REST OF YOUR WORD COUNT DESERVED AN EQUAL LEVEL OF EFFORT FROM US). EVERYONE FROM JANICE HARVEY TO CHRISTOPHER PINTO RIPPED INTO THEM, AND WE EXPECT TONIGHT’S COUNCIL SESSION TO BE UGLIER THAN SEXTING WITH JOHN FRESOLO.

THEREFORE, LET US PLAY BIZARRO ADVOCATE… AND ADDRESS THE CASE FOR MOSAIC.

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THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS: A RAMBLING RECAP OF THE BEST, THE WORST, AND THE INVETTIBLE

FOREMOST AND FIRST, WE THANK ALL VOTERS WHO WENT TO THE POLLS IN SPITE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO WRITE IN A BIZARRO VOTE. WE KNOW THIS MADE YOUR CHOICE DIFFICULT.

ALTHOUGH WE CANNOT CLAIM A TRUE SENSE OF PRIDE OVER A 21.3% TURNOUT (DESPITE IT BEING THE HIGHEST TURNOUT BY PERCENTAGE SINCE 2009, AS NOTED BY BIG SMARTY-PANTS REPORTER AND SPELLCHECK-BREAKER NICK KOTSOPOULOS), WE CAN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE THAT IT TROUNCED 2013’S TURNOUT OF 14.4%!!!!!

THEREFORE, LET US TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE 2015 ELECTIONS IN WORCESTER.

SPOILER: NONE OF THE LOSERS SHALL BE US. WE GOT ALL OUR PREDICTIONS RIGHT. ESPECIALLY OUR PICK FOR MAYOR.

 

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PROGRAMMING NOTE: TWO-MONTH HIATUS… PLUS TURNOUT TALK!!!!!

IT AM WITH THE GREATEST SADNESS WE CAN MUSTER IN BIZARRO WORCESTER THAT WE MUST RELEASE YOU CITIZENS FROM OUR IRON-FISTED CLUTCHES UNTIL SEPTEMBER. BUT BEFORE WE DEPART, WE HAVE ONE FINAL COMMENT ON THE UPCOMING 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS.

THE SUMMER AM FAST APPROACHING ITS HEAT-DEATH. IN ONE MONTH ON SEPTEMBER 8TH, A CROWD OF 16 AT-LARGE COMBATANTS SHALL BE REDUCED TO 12, WHILE THE UNRULY CROWD OF 4 GLADIATORS FROM DISTRICT 2 SHALL BE SLASHED IN HALF. REALITY SHOWS CAN ONLY DREAM OF BEING SO EFFICIENT!!!!!

WE HAVE HAD TALKS ABOUT RACE, POLICE, EDUCATION AND EVEN THE INTERNETS!!! WE EVEN HAVE A CONTROVERSY WITH POTENTIAL TO DRIVE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES TO THE POLL BOOTHS!!!!!!! WE ONLY RARELY SEE LOCAL POLITICS THIS HEATED. WE HAVE HAD AN UNPRECEDENTED NUMBER OF PROTESTERS AND POLITICIANS AND JOURNALISTS AND PUNDITS AND BLOGGERS AND TWEETERS TAKE A STAND OF SOME KIND ON SO MANY ISSUES AFFECTING WORCESTER, BOTH FROM WITHOUT AND WITHIN. IT WOULD BE A TRAVESTY INDEED IF THE SUM TOTAL OF SO MANY PEOPLE’S LABOR… SHOULD BE SINGLE-DIGIT TURNOUT, AS WE FEAR.

THEREFORE, WE SHALL INDEED BE PAYING CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS ELECTION. IN OCTOBER, WE SHALL POST OUR OFFICIAL BIZARRO PICKS TO AID THOSE WHO FIND NARROWING TWO COMPETITIVE FIELDS DOWN TO 6 CANDIDATES TOUGHER THAN CHOOSING MUNCHKINS FOR A STAFF MEETING. WE WOULD DO THE SAME FOR THE 16 AT-LARGE CANDIDATES NOW, BUT THIS PRELIMINARY ELECTION AM MORE ABOUT CAMPAIGN OUTREACH THAN LEGISLATIVE PROWESS. WE DO NOT EXPECT THE TOP 12 TO BE TOO DIFFERENT FROM OUR PREDICTIONS. BARRING RON O’CLAIR MAKING THE CUT, WE CARE LITTLE FOR WHO SHOULD ADVANCE TO NOVEMBER.

WHAT WE SHALL BE WATCHING MOST AM THE TURNOUT.

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PREPARE FOR A MATH LESSON, DUNCES!!!!!!!!!!

 

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MAIN EVENT.

AS ANYONE WHO EVER TRIED TO ASK FOR KICKBACKS CAN TELL YOU, THE TITLE OF WORCESTER’S MAYOR AM LARGELY CEREMONIAL. THE PRIMARY DUTIES OF THE MAYOR INCLUDE PRESIDING OVER THE CITY COUNCIL AND SCHOOL COMMITTEE. BUT ONE SHOULD NOT DISCOUNT THE OFFICE’S HIGH PROFILE. WHILE THE CITY MANAGER MIGHT DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING WITH REGARD TO BIGSHOT DEALS, THE MAYOR MUST SELL THOSE DEALS TO THE PUBLIC. THEY SERVE AS THE FACE OF WORCESTER.

THIS YEAR, BARRING A SENSATIONAL VIRAL CAMPAIGN FROM WILLIAM S COLEMAN III, WE HAVE TWO CANDIDATES FOR MAYOR:

MIKE GAFFNEY AND JOE PETTY.

WITH THE DEMOCRATIC CITY COMMITTEE GIVING THE REPUBLICAN CITY COMMITTEE A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY IN TERMS OF THROWING SAID MONEY AWAY, THIS SHOULD BE THE MOST CONTESTED MAYORAL RACE SINCE THE LUKES VS RUSHTON VS ROSEN THREE-WAY DANCE IN 2007. WE LIKE WELL-CONTESTED RACES, AS THEY BRING IN MORE VOTERS AND PROVIDE MORE GOOFY PHOTO OPS AND SOUND BITES.

TO THAT END, WE HAVE PROVIDED THE CANDIDATES (AND ONE SPECIAL GUEST) THE HIGHEST HONOR BIZARRO WORLD CAN OFFER: PHOTOSHOPS GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK.

WE REMINDER READERS… PREDICTIONS DO NOT EQUAL ENDORSEMENTS.

LET US NOT WASTE NO MORE TIME.

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

ONE MIGHT THINK THE REAL POWER IN WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT WOULD LIE IN THE MAYOR’S OFFICE OR THE CITY MANAGER’S OFFICE OR OF THE GUY IN CHARGE OF DISTRIBUTING SHAQ ARIZONA STRAWBERRY CREAM SODA TO WORCESTER.

IN FACT, THE AT-LARGE COUNCILORS OF WORCESTER CONTROL WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT LARGELY BECAUSE ONCE ELECTED, THEY NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE POLITICS!!!!!! WHEN THE INVETTIBLE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST FINALLY STRIKES, THERE SHALL BE COCKROACHES… AND AT-LARGE COUNCILORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AN ASTONISHING 18 CANDIDATES WERE FIRST NAMED FOR THE FIELD. BUT PAUL COONEY JR AND RICK RUSHTON BOTH DECIDED THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE LIVES AND SO NOW WE HAVE A STILL-LIVELY FIELD OF 16 TO CULL TO 12 ON SEPTEMBER 8TH!!!!! BUT BEFORE THE SEPTEMBER RUN-OFF, IN WHICH WE EXPECT HUNDRED OF CITIZENS TO PARTICIPATE… WE IN BIZARRO WORLD SHALL MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU AND DECIDE WHO SHALL GOVERN YOUR MISERABLE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE WE PLAN TO SAVE THE MAYOR’S OFFICE FOR A FOURTH UPDATE TO STRETCH THIS NONSENSE EVEN FURTHER, MICHAEL GAFFNEY AND JOSEPH PETTY SHALL BOTH RECEIVE A SEPARATE UPDATE.

WE ASSUME PETTY AND GAFFNEY RETAIN THEIR COUNCIL SEATS.

AS ALWAYS, ALL CANDIDATES SHALL BE DIVIDED INTO THREE GROUPS WITH NAMES IN A VAGUE REFERENCE TO HUMOR. EACH CANDIDATE’S BIOGRAPHY SHALL INCLUDE EXPERT ARTISTIC RENDITIONS OF THEIR CAMPAIGN SIGNS, FOLLOWED BY NONSENSICAL INFORMATION AND THEN, WITH THE LEAD SUCCESSFULLY BURIED, AN ASSESSMENT OF THEIR CURRENT POSITION. THE LINKS FOR EACH CANDIDATE’S CAMPAIGN AM THE BEST WE COULD FIND WITH 2 MINUTES OF SEARCHING GOOGLE. DON’T HARASS ANYONE ON FACEBOOK, NERD.

NOTE: IN THE EVENT THAT WE CANNOT FIND A CURRENT SIGN TO CRUDELY REPRODUCE, WE SHALL EITHER FIND THE LAST ONE AVAILABLE ONLINE OR — IN THE INTERESTS OF UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED PSEUDO-JOURNALISM — JUST MAKE ONE UP. IF YOU FIND ANY SIGNS WE MISSED AND WISH THEM TO BE ACCURATELY MISREPRESENTED, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT OR OTHERWISE CONTACT US.

 

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PROGRAMMING NOTE: HOW TO RUN A 21ST-CENTURY CAMPAIGN FOR A 20TH-CENTURY CITY

MANY THEORIES ABOUND ON HOW TO RUN A SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN FOR OFFICE IN WORCESTER. MOST OF THEM SUCK. BUT THE ONE WE NEVER HEAR??? “YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH NOT USING THE TOOLS AVAILABLE TO YOU.”

IN 2009, FUTURE MAYOR JOE O’BRIEN BECAME ONE OF THE FIRST POLITICIANS IN WORCESTER TO USE TWO WEBSITES CALLED TWITTER AND FACEBOOK WHICH WERE OF COURSE NEVER HEARD FROM EVER AGAIN. HIS CAMPAIGN, THOUGH PERHAPS WITH A FEW TOO CLOSE INSIDER TIES FOR COMFORT, LEVERAGED THE INTERNET LIKE NONE BEFORE OR, FOR YOUR MONEY, SINCE.

THIS MIGHT SURPRISE YOU, BUT WE FIND THE INTERNET A USEFUL TOOL!!! FOR A MINIMAL INVESTMENT OF TIME, YOU RELAY A MESSAGE TO ANYONE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO STUMBLE ONTO YOUR WEBSITE!!!!!! NO PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE OF ANY KIND NECESSARY — JUST A KEYBOARD OR EVEN JUST YOUR PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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HOW EASY????

WE MADE THIS.

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BIZARRO PROGRAMMING NOTE: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SUBMIT… SIGNATURES!!!!!!

AS ALWAYS, WE BLAME BIZARRO MARTY WALSH AND THE BOSTON 2024 CAMPAIGN FOR OUR UNEXPECTED HIATUS. THERE CERTAINLY HAD NOT BEEN A DEARTH OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT, INCLUDING A PROPOSED NEW GUN SHOP AND SHOOTING RANGE WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING…

TONS OF GUN PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN ADDITION, MAY 19TH — TOMORROW — AM THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMITTING NOMINATION PAPERS. ANYONE WHO HAVE NOT SUBMITTED PAPERS SHALL BE DEALT WITH BY OUR ASSISTANT CITY CLERK.

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SO GET YOUR SIGNATURES IN, LEST YOU SUCCUMB TO FIRE, BRIMSTONE AND THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKETPLACE CHOKESLAMMING THE VALUE OF YOUR LABOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

BIZARRO COVERAGE OF THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS SHALL BEGIN ONCE WE FIGURE OUT WHO WE NEED TO SCHMOOZE WITH.

AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS, CITIZEN.

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BIZARRO INFOGRAPHICS: THE 2015 WORCESTER DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC WORKS SNOW BUDGET

IT HAVE BEEN RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT THE CITY PAID $6,266,190 FOR SNOW REMOVAL THIS PAST WINTER, OVERRUNNING ITS BUDGET BY OVER $2 MILLION. THEREFORE, CITY MANAGER AND BIGSHOT-IN-CHIEF ED AUGUSTUS JR WISHES FOR PERMISSION TO SPEND THE MONEY THE CITY ALREADY SPENT.

THE CITY MANAGER SHALL BE GIVING A REPORT TO THE COUNCIL TOMORROW, AND DPW COMMISSIONER PAUL MOOSEY SHALL DETAIL WHERE THIS MONEY HAVE BEEN SPENT WHILE GAMELY TRYING TO CONVINCE PHIL PALMIERI THAT HE AM NOT, IN FACT, BOB MOYLAN.

HOWEVER…

IN A FEAT OF JOURNALISTIC TRIUMPH WORTHY OF A POST ON THIS BLOG, BIZARRO WORCESTER HAVE RECENTLY ACQUIRED AN ADVANCE COPY OF THE DPW REPORT!!!!!! WE SHALL NOW PROVIDE TO YOU THIS DATA IN A TOUR DE FORCE THAT ALL THE COOL REPUTABLE NEWS SOURCES AM DOING THESE DAYS…

A POORLY RESEARCHED INFOGRAPHIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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MINUTES FROM THE APRIL 1ST CHANDLER MAGNET SCHOOL BALL FIELD MEETING

(BIZARRO NOTE: THE PLAN WERE OFFICIALLY CANCELLED, BUT SINCE WE PUT SO LITTLE EFFORT INTO THIS RIP-OFF OF A SIMPSONS CLASSIC, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD POST IT ANYWAY…)

 

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Ed Augustus Jr:
Y’know, a city with a ball field’s a little like the panhandler with a credit card. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!

(audience laughs)

Rick Rushton:
Heh heh! Panhandler.

Ed Augustus Jr:
The name’s Augustus, Ed Augustus Junior. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest…

Aw, it’s not for you. It’s more of a Lawrence idea.

Joe Petty:
Now wait just a minute! We’re twice as smart as the people of Lawrence! Just tell us your idea and we’ll vote for it!

Ed Augustus Jr:
All right, I tell you what I’ll do. I’ll show you my idea!

I give you… the Chandler Magnet Parking Lot!

(everyone gasps)

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