Tag Archives: THAT BLUE KOOSH BALL THING

THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS: A RAMBLING RECAP OF THE BEST, THE WORST, AND THE INVETTIBLE

FOREMOST AND FIRST, WE THANK ALL VOTERS WHO WENT TO THE POLLS IN SPITE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO WRITE IN A BIZARRO VOTE. WE KNOW THIS MADE YOUR CHOICE DIFFICULT.

ALTHOUGH WE CANNOT CLAIM A TRUE SENSE OF PRIDE OVER A 21.3% TURNOUT (DESPITE IT BEING THE HIGHEST TURNOUT BY PERCENTAGE SINCE 2009, AS NOTED BY BIG SMARTY-PANTS REPORTER AND SPELLCHECK-BREAKER NICK KOTSOPOULOS), WE CAN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE THAT IT TROUNCED 2013’S TURNOUT OF 14.4%!!!!!

THEREFORE, LET US TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE 2015 ELECTIONS IN WORCESTER.

SPOILER: NONE OF THE LOSERS SHALL BE US. WE GOT ALL OUR PREDICTIONS RIGHT. ESPECIALLY OUR PICK FOR MAYOR.

 

Continue reading

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“193 IS THE NEW 3”, 194 AM NOT 13, AND OTHER WORCESTER MATHEMATICAL TRIUMPHS

FOR OVER 1200 YEARS, THE WORLD HAVE SUFFERED UNDER THE TYRANNY OF THE HINDU-ARABIC NUMERICAL SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT HAVE LAIN STAGNANT SINCE AL-KHWARIZMI POPULARIZED THE USE OF BIZARRO NUMBER ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THANKS TO THE WORK OF CHARTER, WHO WILL CERTAINLY NOT GET ANY WORSE WITH AN IMMINENT CHANGING OF THE GUARD TO COMCAST, WE IN WORCESTER HAVE MADE A BREAKTHROUGH IN MATHEMATICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE NUMBER 3 NO LONGER EXISTS AS IT ONCE DID!!!!!!!!!!! ONCE A BASTION OF SUCH RIVETING PROGRAMS AS 6TH SENSE AND BEYOND, NOW IT STANDS AS A BASTION OF WHATEVER GARBAGE WOULDN’T SELL AT MACY’S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEREFORE, IN A DESPERATE BID TO REMIND PEOPLE THAT THEIR PARENT COMPANY AM CERTAINLY NOT SOUL-SUCKING LEECHES, CHARTER TV3 HAVE DEVISED A SOLUTION WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER APPROVE:

193 AM THE NEW 3!!!!!!!!!!!!

WCCA FOLLOWED SUIT WITH THEIR “194 — NOT 13, LIKE ‘BEFORE’” CAMPAIGN, BUT NO ONE COULD GET THE PUNCTUATION RIGHT.

IN ADDITION, IN NEWS NOT NOTABLE ENOUGH FOR A WACKY CATCHPHRASE:

  • EDUCATIONAL ACCESS CHANNEL 11 MOVED TO 191
  • GOVERNMENT ACCESS CHANNEL 12 MOVED TO 192.

PREPARE TO BE BLATHERED TO ON HOW ALL OF THIS AFFECTS YOUR DAILY LIVES!!!!!!!!!!

 

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

HOW TO PROTECT WORCESTER COMPLETELY FROM EBOLA!!!!!

SOME OF YOU IN WORCESTER MAY HAVE HEARD ABOUT DR. RICK SACRA, DESPITE HIM BEING FROM HOLDEN AND THEREFORE UNIMPORTANT. SOME OF YOU IN WORCESTER MAY ALSO HAVE HEARD THAT DR. RICK SACRA HAD BEEN HOSPITALIZED AGAIN FOR WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE NOT EBOLA.

THIS, OF COURSE, HAVE NOT PREVENTED ANYONE FROM PANICKING DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE PEOPLE FREAKING OUT THE MOST HAVE AS MUCH CHANCE OF GETTING EBOLA AS GETTING LAID.

BUT DON’T NOT PANIC, CITIZENS!!!!! EBOLA WILL SPREAD, AND WE IN WORCESTER HAVE A PLAN ALL FIGURED OUT!!!!! WE WILL DO WHAT NO OTHER CITY IN THE COUNTRY HAVE THE COURAGE, RESOURCEFULNESS AND BOREDOM TO DO!!!!!! WE WILL DECLARE WAR ON THIS VIRUS!!!!!!!!!!!! MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WILL BE TAKEN FROM ORPHANS AND USED TO INITIATE…

THE BIZARRO WORCESTER EBOLA CONTROL PLAN!!!!!!!!!

Continue reading

Tagged , , , ,

ED AUGUSTUS JR.: WORCESTER CITY MANAGER FOR LIFE!!!!! (A BIZARRO UNIVERSE TIMELINE)

REJOICE, CITIZENS!!!!! AT THE NEXT COUNCIL MEETING THIS TUESDAY, THE MOST IMPORTANT POSITION IN THE CITY WILL BE FILLED BY PEOPLE WHO ANSWER TO LESS THAN 20% OF YOU!!!!! AND IN PHIL PALMIERI’S CASE, HE ONLY HAVE TO ANSWER TO THE REGULARS AT SCANO’S!!!!!!

SO FAR, THE CHOICES FOR CITY MANAGER AS IT STANDS AM THE FOLLOWING:

  • THE GUY WHO NO ONE LIKES FROM WORCESTER.
  • THE GUY WHO NO ONE LIKES FROM RHODE ISLAND.
  • THE GUY WHO NO ONE LIKES FROM NEW MEXICO (BUT LOOKS LIKE JIMMY SMITS).

TRULY AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES.

BUT WAIT!!!!

ME BROKE THE FOURTH SEAL, AND ME HEARD THE VOICE OF THE LIVING CREATURE SAYING, “STRONG MAYOR”. ME LOOKED, AND BEHOLD, AN ASHEN HORSE; AND HE WHO SAT ON IT HAD THE NAME OF MICHAEL ANGELINI; AND 40 OTHER RICH PEOPLE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO FOLLOWED HIM. AUTHORITY WERE GIVEN TO THEM OVER A FOURTH OF THE EARTH, TO KILL THE CITY CHARTER WITH SWORD AND WITH FAMINE AND WITH INCOMPETENCE AND BY THE WILD MODERATELY POWERFUL ORGANIZATIONS OF THE CITY. AND, OF COURSE, TO NOT REST UNTIL ED AUGUSTUS JR. STANDS TALL AS PERMANENT CITY MANAGER.

(OH AND WALTER BIRD JR. AGREED TOO, BUT NO ONE IMPORTANT CARES WHAT SOME DOOFUS FROM A MINOR MEDIA ORGANIZATION THINKS.)

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT SUCH A WORLD WOULD BE LIKE???? YOUR ANSWERS WILL BE QUESTIONED NOW, FOR IT JUST SO HAPPENS ME HAPPEN TO HAVE A TIME MACHINE!!!!! SINCE ME CANNOT TAKE YOU PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET THROUGH TIME (NOT BECAUSE IT AM IMPOSSIBLE, BUT BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE AM CREEPY), ME WILL INSTEAD GIVE YOU A PAINSTAKINGLY ACCURATE DIARY DEPICTING THE GLORIOUS CAREER OF ED AUGUSTUS JR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,