Tag Archives: YOUR INEVITABLE DEMISE

BIZARRO ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WE CONTINUE RESEARCH INTO WORCESTER.GOV AND HOW IT MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK.

BUT FIRST, WITH A NEW YEAR COME NEW CHALLENGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE OF THOSE CHALLENGES???? IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST….. PANDIMENSIONAL ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU, OUR READER, MAY PARTICIPATE IN SHAPING THE DESTINY OF AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH ANY LUCK, WE MIGHT EVEN BEAT WORCESTER’S 2013 TURNOUT NUMBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE FACTIONS REIGN IN BIZARRO WORLD. UNLIKE THIS CRAZY WORLD, BIZARRO WORLD AM NOT DIVIDED BY POLITICS. WE AM DIVIDED BY GRAMMAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEREFORE, WE HAVE GIVEN UNEQUAL TIME TO REPRESENTATIVES FROM ALL THREE FACTIONS. PLEASE VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE OR ALTERNATIVELY, VOTE FOR WHICHEVER STYLE YOU THINK WOULD GIVE US AN ANEURYSM TO WRITE.

 

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TRUMP PROTEST DON’TS AND DOS

TOMORROW, THE FABRIC OF REALITY SHALL BE TESTED LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DONALD TRUMP SHALL BE SPEAKING IN WORCESTER TOMORROW ON NOVEMBER 18TH AT THE DCU CENTER AT 7 PM. THIS SHALL BE PART OF HIS “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN EXCLAMATION POINT” TOUR; APPROPRIATE SINCE AS WE ALL KNOW, AMERICA SUCKS AND WORCESTER AM EXHIBIT A.

SHOCKINGLY, WE HAVE LEARNED THERE MAY BE PEOPLE IN WORCESTER WHO DO NOT LIKE TRUMP!!!!! SOME OF THEM MIGHT EVEN DISLIKE HIM ENOUGH TO… PROTEST??? IN WORCESTER?!?!?!?!?!? UNTHINKABLE!!!!!!!!! UNPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED IN A CITY WHERE WE NEVER SEE ANYONE PROTEST ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE, DISRESPECTING THE MOST ESTEEMED SPEAKER TO VISIT WORCESTER SINCE THE GREAT CARLOS MENCIA!!!!!!!!!!

OF COURSE, SECURITY SHALL BE AT MAXIMUM. WE HAVE HAD A RECENT BREAK-IN AT THE ARMY RESERVES BUILDING, FUELING SPECULATION THAT SOMEONE MIGHT BE UNBALANCED ENOUGH TO ASSASSINATE A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, EVEN IF TRUMP HAVE LESS CHANCE OF GETTING ELECTED THAN WE DO. ACCORDINGLY, WE HAVE HEARD THAT SECURITY MEASURES DEPLOYED INCLUDE UNDERCOVER OFFICERS AND EXPLODING DOGS.

WITH TENSIONS AT AN ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM, WE THEREFORE HAVE TAKEN IT UPON OUR BIZARRO SELVES TO INTERVENE IN THE INTERESTS OF PUBLIC SAFETY. WE HAVE RECENTLY PUBLISHED A LIST OF DON’TS AND DO’S FOR PROTESTING, WHICH WE NOW PRESENT ONLINE FOR YOUR EDIFICATION!!!!!!!!!! THIS WAY, WITH NEWS MEDIA FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO BOTH EXERCISE YOUR FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT AND AVOID BEING CRUSHED BY HEAVY STONES FROM TRUMP’S PRIVATE SECURITY BARBARIANS.

THINK OF US AS THE LOVE CHILD OF EMILY POST AND ABBIE HOFFMAN.

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (SEPTEMBER RECAP)

THE PRELIMINARIES HAVE GONE AND COME. THROUGH OUR DEFT SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE CAMPAIGN USING THE FIRST LETTERS OF EVERY SENTENCE IN JANICE HARVEY’S WORCESTER MAGAZINE COLUMNS, WE SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO SAY “TGIUTLYHIGHLIGEUYTIUITRIYW” AND BOOST PRELIMINARY TURNOUT TO 11.2%!!!!!

PITIFUL THOUGH THIS MAY BE, WE AT LEAST ESCAPED THE IGNOMINY OF A TURNOUT EVEN MORE ABYSMAL THAN 2011. THEREFORE, NOW THE TIME HAVE COME FOR A PREMATURE CELEBRATION!!!!!!!! WE WERE PLEASED ENOUGH WITH OUR INFORMAL RANKINGS TO GLOAT FAR BEYOND OUR TALENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS A RESULT, WE PRESENT A LOOK AT THE WINNERS AND/OR LOSERS THUS FAR, INCLUDING A FEW OFFHAND PREDICTIONS WE SHALL COMPLETELY DENY HAVING MADE LATER.

ONE MORE THING BEFORE THE REST OF OUR GLORIOUS ARTICLE: WE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ALL THE CANDIDATES, INCLUDING THOSE STILL IN THE RUNNING, FORCED OUT, AND THOSE WHO SIMPLY WITHDREW

… THANK YOU.

 

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PROGRAMMING NOTE: TWO-MONTH HIATUS… PLUS TURNOUT TALK!!!!!

IT AM WITH THE GREATEST SADNESS WE CAN MUSTER IN BIZARRO WORCESTER THAT WE MUST RELEASE YOU CITIZENS FROM OUR IRON-FISTED CLUTCHES UNTIL SEPTEMBER. BUT BEFORE WE DEPART, WE HAVE ONE FINAL COMMENT ON THE UPCOMING 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS.

THE SUMMER AM FAST APPROACHING ITS HEAT-DEATH. IN ONE MONTH ON SEPTEMBER 8TH, A CROWD OF 16 AT-LARGE COMBATANTS SHALL BE REDUCED TO 12, WHILE THE UNRULY CROWD OF 4 GLADIATORS FROM DISTRICT 2 SHALL BE SLASHED IN HALF. REALITY SHOWS CAN ONLY DREAM OF BEING SO EFFICIENT!!!!!

WE HAVE HAD TALKS ABOUT RACE, POLICE, EDUCATION AND EVEN THE INTERNETS!!! WE EVEN HAVE A CONTROVERSY WITH POTENTIAL TO DRIVE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES TO THE POLL BOOTHS!!!!!!! WE ONLY RARELY SEE LOCAL POLITICS THIS HEATED. WE HAVE HAD AN UNPRECEDENTED NUMBER OF PROTESTERS AND POLITICIANS AND JOURNALISTS AND PUNDITS AND BLOGGERS AND TWEETERS TAKE A STAND OF SOME KIND ON SO MANY ISSUES AFFECTING WORCESTER, BOTH FROM WITHOUT AND WITHIN. IT WOULD BE A TRAVESTY INDEED IF THE SUM TOTAL OF SO MANY PEOPLE’S LABOR… SHOULD BE SINGLE-DIGIT TURNOUT, AS WE FEAR.

THEREFORE, WE SHALL INDEED BE PAYING CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS ELECTION. IN OCTOBER, WE SHALL POST OUR OFFICIAL BIZARRO PICKS TO AID THOSE WHO FIND NARROWING TWO COMPETITIVE FIELDS DOWN TO 6 CANDIDATES TOUGHER THAN CHOOSING MUNCHKINS FOR A STAFF MEETING. WE WOULD DO THE SAME FOR THE 16 AT-LARGE CANDIDATES NOW, BUT THIS PRELIMINARY ELECTION AM MORE ABOUT CAMPAIGN OUTREACH THAN LEGISLATIVE PROWESS. WE DO NOT EXPECT THE TOP 12 TO BE TOO DIFFERENT FROM OUR PREDICTIONS. BARRING RON O’CLAIR MAKING THE CUT, WE CARE LITTLE FOR WHO SHOULD ADVANCE TO NOVEMBER.

WHAT WE SHALL BE WATCHING MOST AM THE TURNOUT.

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PREPARE FOR A MATH LESSON, DUNCES!!!!!!!!!!

 

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

ONE MIGHT THINK THE REAL POWER IN WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT WOULD LIE IN THE MAYOR’S OFFICE OR THE CITY MANAGER’S OFFICE OR OF THE GUY IN CHARGE OF DISTRIBUTING SHAQ ARIZONA STRAWBERRY CREAM SODA TO WORCESTER.

IN FACT, THE AT-LARGE COUNCILORS OF WORCESTER CONTROL WORCESTER’S GOVERNMENT LARGELY BECAUSE ONCE ELECTED, THEY NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE POLITICS!!!!!! WHEN THE INVETTIBLE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST FINALLY STRIKES, THERE SHALL BE COCKROACHES… AND AT-LARGE COUNCILORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AN ASTONISHING 18 CANDIDATES WERE FIRST NAMED FOR THE FIELD. BUT PAUL COONEY JR AND RICK RUSHTON BOTH DECIDED THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE LIVES AND SO NOW WE HAVE A STILL-LIVELY FIELD OF 16 TO CULL TO 12 ON SEPTEMBER 8TH!!!!! BUT BEFORE THE SEPTEMBER RUN-OFF, IN WHICH WE EXPECT HUNDRED OF CITIZENS TO PARTICIPATE… WE IN BIZARRO WORLD SHALL MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU AND DECIDE WHO SHALL GOVERN YOUR MISERABLE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE WE PLAN TO SAVE THE MAYOR’S OFFICE FOR A FOURTH UPDATE TO STRETCH THIS NONSENSE EVEN FURTHER, MICHAEL GAFFNEY AND JOSEPH PETTY SHALL BOTH RECEIVE A SEPARATE UPDATE.

WE ASSUME PETTY AND GAFFNEY RETAIN THEIR COUNCIL SEATS.

AS ALWAYS, ALL CANDIDATES SHALL BE DIVIDED INTO THREE GROUPS WITH NAMES IN A VAGUE REFERENCE TO HUMOR. EACH CANDIDATE’S BIOGRAPHY SHALL INCLUDE EXPERT ARTISTIC RENDITIONS OF THEIR CAMPAIGN SIGNS, FOLLOWED BY NONSENSICAL INFORMATION AND THEN, WITH THE LEAD SUCCESSFULLY BURIED, AN ASSESSMENT OF THEIR CURRENT POSITION. THE LINKS FOR EACH CANDIDATE’S CAMPAIGN AM THE BEST WE COULD FIND WITH 2 MINUTES OF SEARCHING GOOGLE. DON’T HARASS ANYONE ON FACEBOOK, NERD.

NOTE: IN THE EVENT THAT WE CANNOT FIND A CURRENT SIGN TO CRUDELY REPRODUCE, WE SHALL EITHER FIND THE LAST ONE AVAILABLE ONLINE OR — IN THE INTERESTS OF UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED PSEUDO-JOURNALISM — JUST MAKE ONE UP. IF YOU FIND ANY SIGNS WE MISSED AND WISH THEM TO BE ACCURATELY MISREPRESENTED, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT OR OTHERWISE CONTACT US.

 

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COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!!!!!!! (PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

THE MOMENT HAVE COME.

WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER STAND READY TO TAKE OUR FIRST LOOK INTO THE GLORIOUS POST-ARMAGEDDON WORLD THAT AM LOCAL WORCESTER POLITICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WORCESTER’S SCHOOL COMMITTEE, CONSISTING OF SIX ELECTED MEMBERS AND THE MAYOR, DEFINE THE GROUND RULES UNDER WHICH THE SUPERINTENDENT CAN CONDUCT BUSINESS. THIS WOULD ALSO INCLUDE CHOOSING SAID SUPERINTENDENT.

WE DIVIDED THE CANDIDATES INTO THREE CRYPTICALLY NAMED GROUPS WITH A VAGUELY WORCESTER COLLEGIATE CLICKBAIT BENT. IN THE INTEREST OF UNFAIRNESS, WE ALSO PLACED AN EXPERTLY CURATED IMAGE IN LIEU OF EACH CANDIDATE’S PHOTO WHICH WE BELIEVE SHALL SUITABLY REPRESENT THEM. FINALLY, OUR SUPERIOR OPINIONS AM BASED ON COMPLETELY OUTLANDISH LIES AND SHALL NOT CONTAIN ONE OUNCE OF TRUTH WHATSOEVER. WE SAVED OUR LEAST DISHONEST OPINIONS FOR THE RANKINGS, WHICH WE HOPE NO ONE SHALL READ BECAUSE YOU AM TOO BUSY CARING ABOUT AM WHO RANKED WHERE.

AFTER ALL, WE HAVE A REPUTATION NOT TO MAINTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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BIZARRO PROGRAMMING NOTE: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SUBMIT… SIGNATURES!!!!!!

AS ALWAYS, WE BLAME BIZARRO MARTY WALSH AND THE BOSTON 2024 CAMPAIGN FOR OUR UNEXPECTED HIATUS. THERE CERTAINLY HAD NOT BEEN A DEARTH OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT, INCLUDING A PROPOSED NEW GUN SHOP AND SHOOTING RANGE WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING…

TONS OF GUN PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN ADDITION, MAY 19TH — TOMORROW — AM THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMITTING NOMINATION PAPERS. ANYONE WHO HAVE NOT SUBMITTED PAPERS SHALL BE DEALT WITH BY OUR ASSISTANT CITY CLERK.

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SO GET YOUR SIGNATURES IN, LEST YOU SUCCUMB TO FIRE, BRIMSTONE AND THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKETPLACE CHOKESLAMMING THE VALUE OF YOUR LABOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

BIZARRO COVERAGE OF THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS SHALL BEGIN ONCE WE FIGURE OUT WHO WE NEED TO SCHMOOZE WITH.

AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS, CITIZEN.

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