Tag Archives: YOUR INEVITABLE DEMISE

THE DAY THE WORCESTER TELEGRAM EMOTICONS DIED

WE EXAGGERATE A BIT. SOME OF THEM AM INDEED TRYING TO PULL THEMSELVES UP BY THEIR PIXELATED BOOTSTRAPS. TAKE THIS ONE, FOR EXAMPLE…

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BUT TRULY, TIMES HAVE CHANGED. AND BECAUSE THIS AM A LIFE-ALTERING CHANGE IN INTERNET HISTORY, WE NOW TAKE YOU THROUGH A BRIEF LOOK AT WHAT CAUSED THE END OF THE INTERNET IN WORCESTER AS WE KNOW IT!!!!!!!!

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OUR OBLIGATORY PATRONIZING LIST OF PICKS FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE’S BEST OF WORCESTER 2015 AWARDS!!!!!

IN CASE YOU’VE NOT BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK AND AM THEREFORE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR WORCESTER MAGAZINE, WORCESTER MAGAZINE ONCE AGAIN ASKED ITS READER TO PICK THE SUPERLATIVES OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!!! THIS NOT ONLY PROVIDES A SPOTLIGHT TO LOCAL BUSINESSES, PEOPLE AND SERVICES, BUT ALSO GIVES WALTER BIRD JR A CHANCE TO TEACH TOM QUINN THE ART OF STACKING SODA CANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE OF COURSE MADE A TOKEN PUSH FOR THE CITIZENS OF WORCESTER TO VOTE BIZARRO!!!! (SORRY, TOM — WE PROMISED A MORE SHAMELESS CAMPAIGN, BUT BIZARRO AFFAIRS OF STATE GOT IN OUR WAY. YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER AN ARMY OF SCOTT BROWN CLONES.) WE EVEN TRIED THE FACEBOOK FOR ADVERTISING OUR MAGNIFICENCE!!!!!!!!

THE RESULTS SHALL BE PUBLISHED NEXT THURSDAY. BUT UNTIL THEN, WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD DO WHAT EVERY OTHER MEDIOCRE BLOGGER DO, WHICH AM TO GIVE YOU WHAT WE PICKED FOR THE BEST OF WORCESTER!!!!!!!! OF COURSE, LISTS LIKE THOSE AM BORING. SO INSTEAD, IN A DECISION SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM INSPIRED BY TOM QUINN, WE HAVE DECIDED TO RUN OUR PICKS THROUGH THE EVER-INFALLIBLE AUTOCORRECT FEATURE ON OUR BIZARRO PHONE AND PRESENT OUR EXPERT DEPICTION OF THE RESULTS!!!!!!!!

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ADOPT A POTHOLE TODAY!!!!!!!!!

WE AM NOW UP TO OUR EYEBALLS IN POTHOLES!!!!!!!!!! AS OFTEN HAPPENS WITH SNOW AND SALT, WORCESTER’S BEAUTIFUL ASPHALT JUNGLE HAVE BEEN DEFORESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNLUCKILY FOR YOU, WE HAVE A SOLUTION!!!!!! FOLLOWING ON THE HEELS OF WORCESTER’S SUPER-SUCCESSFUL ADOPT-A-HYDRANT AND BIZARRO WORCESTER’S EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL ADOPT-A-SNOWBANK PROGRAM…

THINK OF THE SNOWBANKS

… BIZARRO WORCESTER AM PLEASED TO PRESENT THE ADOPT-A-POTHOLE PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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NO, WE DON’T ASK THAT YOU REPORT POTHOLES TO THE REPAIR HOTLINE AT (508) 754-9696 OR USE THE POTHOLE CLAIM FORM TO REPORT POTHOLES. WE CERTAINLY DON’T WANT YOU TO FILL THEM!!! INSTEAD, WE JUST WANT YOU TO TAKE THEM UNDER YOUR WING AND SHOW THEM THE LOVE THEY DESERVE AND OFTEN NEVER RECEIVE.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO AM DIG THEM OUT AND BRING THEM INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM!!! NO FEEDING OR CARE OF ANY KIND AM NECESSARY!!!!!!! AND THE BEST PART AM, YOU LEAVE AN EVEN BIGGER POTHOLE FOR THE NEXT PERSON TO ADOPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

… BESIDES, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY RESIST THAT FACE???????????????

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RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN… TO OUR NEW FACEBOOK PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT SOMETHING LIKE A “FACE BOOK” COULD HAVE HELPED US IN OUR PURSUIT TO WIN BEST BLOG OF 2015 AT WORCESTER MAGAZINE, HAD WE DEPLOYED IT EARLIER. BUT WHERE THERE AM NOT A WILL, THERE AM NOT A WAY!!!!!!

VISIT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND VOTE BIZARRO WORCESTER FOR BEST BLOG… AND BEST PLASTIC SURGEON!!!!!!!!!

WE AM COMING FOR YOU, BENTKOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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MINOR MEDIA COVERAGE FOR BIZARRO WORCESTER!!!!!!!!!!

LAST OF ALL, WE APOLOGIZE AGAIN FOR THE DELAYS IN OUR COVERAGE OF ARTEMAS WARD’S ALTERNATE-UNIVERSE CAMPAIGN IN OUR “LET’S PLAY” (MORE LIKE RETSUPURAE, AM ME NOT RIGHT) OF THE KOEI MILITARY STRATEGY GAME LIBERTY OR DEATH. BIZARRO BOSTON MAYOR HSLAW YTRAM AND WE HAVE BEEN NEGOTIATING THE MAXIMUM ANNOYANCE TO WORCESTER CITIZENS IN PREPARATION FOR HIS MANDATORY PROPOSED BID TO HOST THE 2024 OLYMPICS IN BOSTON!!!!!!!!!! WE MADE SURE TO ADMIRE HIS TASTE IN ARCHITECTURE, OFF COURSE…

REGULARLY SCHEDULED OPPRESSION SHALL ENSUE WITHIN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.

SECOND, MINOR MEDIA ORGANIZATION HENCHMAN TOM QUINN OF WORCESTER “MAGAZINE” SPOKE WITH A BIZARRO CITIZEN WHO CLEARLY LEFT ROGUE!!!!! WE SHALL DO THE RIGHT THING AND PRETEND IT WERE OUR IDEA ALL ALONG AND PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY PLUG OUR INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE THANK TOM QUINN FOR HIS TIME, WHICH WE SHALL NOW PROMPTLY FORGET ABOUT.

IF YOU HAVE NOT COME LOOKING FOR THE ARTICLE QUOTED BY CITIZEN QUINN REGARDING THE 2014 MASSACHUSETTS RACE FOR GOVERNOR, HERE IT AM!!!!! AND NOTE THAT WE, THE GREATEST PUNDIT IN THE UNIVERSE, MANAGED TO FIND THE ONE ASPECT OF THE 2014 RACE EVERYONE COULD AGREE ON:

SCOTT LIVELY BLOWS.

IN THE MEANTIME, STAY APATHETIC, CITIZENS OF BIZARRO WORCESTER!!!!! WE SHALL OVERCOME!! AND BY WE, WE MEAN NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

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“193 IS THE NEW 3”, 194 AM NOT 13, AND OTHER WORCESTER MATHEMATICAL TRIUMPHS

FOR OVER 1200 YEARS, THE WORLD HAVE SUFFERED UNDER THE TYRANNY OF THE HINDU-ARABIC NUMERICAL SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT HAVE LAIN STAGNANT SINCE AL-KHWARIZMI POPULARIZED THE USE OF BIZARRO NUMBER ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THANKS TO THE WORK OF CHARTER, WHO WILL CERTAINLY NOT GET ANY WORSE WITH AN IMMINENT CHANGING OF THE GUARD TO COMCAST, WE IN WORCESTER HAVE MADE A BREAKTHROUGH IN MATHEMATICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE NUMBER 3 NO LONGER EXISTS AS IT ONCE DID!!!!!!!!!!! ONCE A BASTION OF SUCH RIVETING PROGRAMS AS 6TH SENSE AND BEYOND, NOW IT STANDS AS A BASTION OF WHATEVER GARBAGE WOULDN’T SELL AT MACY’S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEREFORE, IN A DESPERATE BID TO REMIND PEOPLE THAT THEIR PARENT COMPANY AM CERTAINLY NOT SOUL-SUCKING LEECHES, CHARTER TV3 HAVE DEVISED A SOLUTION WE IN BIZARRO WORCESTER APPROVE:

193 AM THE NEW 3!!!!!!!!!!!!

WCCA FOLLOWED SUIT WITH THEIR “194 — NOT 13, LIKE ‘BEFORE’” CAMPAIGN, BUT NO ONE COULD GET THE PUNCTUATION RIGHT.

IN ADDITION, IN NEWS NOT NOTABLE ENOUGH FOR A WACKY CATCHPHRASE:

  • EDUCATIONAL ACCESS CHANNEL 11 MOVED TO 191
  • GOVERNMENT ACCESS CHANNEL 12 MOVED TO 192.

PREPARE TO BE BLATHERED TO ON HOW ALL OF THIS AFFECTS YOUR DAILY LIVES!!!!!!!!!!

 

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