COUNTDOWN TO THE INVETTIBLE: A BIZARRO LOOK AT THE 2015 WORCESTER ELECTIONS!!!!! (PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES)

CONTENT OF TABLES

PART 1 – COMMITTEE CHAOS

PART 2 – DISTRICT DIATRIBES

PART 3 – AT-LARGE ANARCHY

PART 4 – MAYOR MAYHEM

 

HAVING EFFORTLESSLY DECIDED THE 2015 WORCESTER SCHOOL COMMITTEE ELECTION BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED, WE NOW TAKE THE HERCULEAN TASK OF DECIDING WHO SHALL REPRESENT THE 5 DISTRICTS OF WORCESTER AS DISTRICT COUNCILORS!!!!!!!!!

OR, AS THE AT-LARGE COUNCILORS PREFER TO CALL THEM, PAWNS.

GEORGE RUSSELL OF DISTRICT 3 AND GARY ROSEN OF DISTRICT 5 AM RUNNING UNOPPOSED. THEREFORE, THEY AM SURE TO LOSE AND NO MORE NEED BE SAID ABOUT THEM.

HOWEVER, WE STILL HAVE TWO EXTREMELY CONTENTIOUS RACES IN DISTRICTS 2 AND 4 AND WE GUESS ALSO ONE IN DISTRICT 1!!!!! AND SO WE ONCE AGAIN MUST TAKE OUR KINGMAKING SKILLS OF USING GOOGLE AND THROWING DARTS AT DARTBOARDS TO DETERMINE WHO AM MOST FAVORED TO WIN!!!!!!!!!!

AS BEFORE, WE SHALL CURATE MASTERFUL REPRESENTATIONS OF EACH CANDIDATE IN THE INTEREST OF UNFAIRNESS. IF WE HAVE DONE OUR JOB CORRECTLY, BY THE TIME WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE AN ASSESSMENT AND PREDICTION, YOU SHALL BE GIGGLING AT THE PRETTY PICTURES AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THOSE PREDICTIONS AND THEIR POINTLESSNESS WITH FIVE MONTHS BEFORE ELECTION DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE AM MASTERS OF CLICKBAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

DISTRICT 1: LUXURY

TONY ECONOMOU

PRO: NOTED NATURALIST.

CON: TOO ATTACHED TO SPIDERS.

ASSESSMENT:

RESPECTED ON THE COUNCIL AND BELOVED IN HIS DISTRICT, THOUGH ONLY RARELY IN THE SPOTLIGHT. DESPITE THIS, HE WOULD SEEM TO BE THE ODDS-ON FAVORITE IN THE DISTRICT RACES FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS, INCLUDING HAVING WON TWO CAMPAIGNS ALREADY.

WE ALSO UNDERSTAND HE MAY BRING THE BEARD BACK…

 

CINDY NGUYEN

PRO: SMARTEST MUGGLE IN THE ROOM.

CON: FELL FOR RON WEASLEY.

ASSESSMENT:

WE DO NOT KNOW WHO FIRST RAISED A STINK ABOUT NGUYEN TAKING MONEY FROM THE GAFFNEYS. BUT AFTER SEEING SIMILAR TOKEN DONATIONS FROM MCCULLOUGH TO ECONOMOU, FOR EXAMPLE, WE AGREE ON THIS BEING OF MINIMAL SIGNIFICANCE TO THE CAMPAIGN AT HAND.

THE BIGGER PROBLEM FOR NGUYEN WOULD BE FACING A POPULAR INCUMBENT WITHOUT TO DATE CLEARLY EXPLAINING HOW SHE WOULD IMPROVE UPON ECONOMOU’S COUNCIL TENURE.

 

PREDICTION:

WE THINK NGUYEN SHALL PUT FORTH A POSITIVE, INTELLIGENT, PASSIONATE CAMPAIGN AND WE EXPECT ANY DEBATE BETWEEN THE TWO TO BE PRODUCTIVE. WE ALSO BELIEVE SOMEONE AS CIVIC-MINDED AS NGUYEN WOULD CONSIDER IT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT JUST TO RUN AN HONORABLE CAMPAIGN IN WHAT SOUND LIKE THE START OF A LONG CAREER IN PUBLIC SERVICE.

… WHICH OF COURSE AM GLODIS-SPEAK FOR: EXPECT AN ECONOMOU WIN.

THIS SHOULD BE A SPIRITED BUT CIVIL RACE.

IN OTHER WORDS… B O R I N G.

 

DISTRICT 2: MASONRY

 

CANDY CARLSON

PRO: LEGIT STREET CRED FROM ORDER OF THE PHOENIX.

CON: COULD USE MORE PRACTICE WITH PIERTOTUM LOCOMOTOR.

ASSESSMENT:

LOST TO PALMIERI IN 2005, THEREBY SATISFYING THE 6-YEAR STATUTE ON WORCESTER MUNICIPAL ELECTION COMEBACKS.

AS THE DEMOCRATIC CITY COMMITTEE CHAIR, SHE SHOULD HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF SUPPORT BEHIND HER. SHE CAN ALSO SUMMON JIM MCGOVERN WITH SOME CHALK, CANDLES AND A STOUFFER’S HUNGRY MAN MEAL.

WE WOULD BE REMISS IF WE DID NOT NOTE THE MOMENT CANDY CARLSON’S WDCC PULLED A WRCC AND DECLARED THERE TO BE A REPUBLICAN ~MACHINE~ BEHIND MIKE GAFFNEY, OVERLOOKING THAT GAFFNEY AM A MACHINE.

PLUS CARLSON’S ARGUMENTS WITH GAFFNEY SHOULD MAKE LUKES VS. RUSHTON LOOK LIKE NERF FENCING.

 

JENNITHAN CORTES

PRO: OUTSMARTED A DARK LORD.

CON: GAVE AWAY HIS PLAN THROUGH IMPROPER WAND USE.

ASSESSMENT:

LOST TO PALMIERI IN 2011. WHILE THIS SHOULD GIVE HIM SOME NAME RECOGNITION, CANDY CARLSON LOST LESS RECENTLY AND SO AM MORE A FAVORITE TO WIN NOW.

 

LARRY SHETLER

PRO: LUCKIEST CANDIDATE IN THE ROOM, AT LEAST FOR A COUPLE HOURS.

CON: CAN BLEND IN WITH THE ROOM AT TIMES.

ASSESSMENT:

EVIDENTLY WILLING TO WORK WITH ANYONE, ALTHOUGH EVERY OTHER WORCESTER CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE IMMEDIATELY READ THIS AND SAID “DUH”.

WE DO, HOWEVER, APPRECIATE HIS COMMITMENT TO FIRE. SOME MEN JUST WANT TO SEE THE WORLD BURN!!!!!

 

ANA SEQUERA

PRO: THE ONLY CANDIDATE WE UNDERSTAND.

CON: NARGLE CONSPIRACY THEORIST.

ASSESSMENT:

ON THE WCUW BOARD, AS WELL AS A 3-YEAR MEMBER OF THE OAK HILL CDC.

CLEARLY THE POPULIST CHOICE. OR, AS WE PREFER TO CALL IT, LAST PLACE.

 

PREDICTION:

A TOSS-UP.

WE HAVE SAW MINIMAL CIVIC ENGAGEMENT FROM THE VOTERS OF THIS DISTRICT IN 2013. ALTHOUGH A 4-WAY RACE COULD FINALLY WAKE UP DISTRICT 2’S VOTERS, WE REMAIN CAUTIOUSLY PESSIMISTIC AND ASSUME ANYONE COULD WIN WITH SUCH AN ABSURDLY SMALL EXPECTED TURNOUT REGARDLESS OF NAME RECOGNITION OR EVEN COMPETENCE.

THEREFORE, WE PICK THE PYROMANIAC TO WIN, UNLESS THE CANDIDATES SOMEHOW BREAK THROUGH A DECADE OF INCREASING VOTER APATHY. THEN WE PICK CANDY CARLSON AND BUY STOCK IN POPCORN FUTURES.

 

DISTRICT 4: FISHING

SARAI RIVERA

PRO: EXPERT GARDENER.

CON: UNLIKELY TO WIN THE MANDRAKE VOTE.

ASSESSMENT:

INVENTOR OF THE BIGGEST FASHION STATEMENT IN CITY COUNCIL HISTORY, THE SARAIPE!!!

WON IN 2011 LARGELY ON PERSONALITY, AS SHE AND THEN-INCUMBENT BARBARA HALLER APPEARED TO SHARE SIMILAR POLITICAL EXPERTISE. RECEIVED ENDORSEMENTS FROM THE MAYOR AND JIM MCGOVERN LAST WEEK.

ALTHOUGH OCCASIONALLY WILLING TO BUCK THE COUNCIL EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, MOST NOTABLY ON THE PANHANDLING LAWS, SHE RECENTLY HAVE BEEN BETTER KNOWN CITYWIDE FOR HER SOCIAL ADVOCACY. WE RECALL HER TO BE THE ONE COUNCILOR WHO JOINED A RECENT RALLY NOMINALLY AGAINST HATRED, BUT PRIMARILY DIRECTED AT A BLATANT CLICKBAIT WEBSITE WHICH MUST NOT BE NAMED…

OH, COME ON, WE KNOW WHO SHE MEANT!! FUN THINGS TO DO IN CENTRAL MASS!!!!! WERE THAT SO HARD????? HOW DARE THEY SAY FUN COULD EXIST IN OR AROUND WORCESTER!!!!!!! SUCH OFFENSIVELY POSITIVE LANGUAGE MUST NOT POISON THE APATHY IN THIS CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

… IN ANY CASE, IF RIVERA CAN BRING THAT SAME PASSION TO THE CAMPAIGN ITSELF, WE THINK SHE CAN SCORE A VICTORY.

 

JACKIE KOSTAS

PRO: MASTER BREEDER OF ABRAXAN HORSES.

CON: SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM TRUTH OR DARE AT ALL COSTS IN THIS POST’S MOST OBSCURE JOKE.

ASSESSMENT:

FOR SMALL BUSINESS, INCREASED EDUCATION FUNDING, AND BETTER RELATIONS WITH THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

“UNABASHED MEMBER OF THE TEA PARTY” OR NOT, WE THINK SHE CAN WIN IF SHE CAN PROVE HERSELF TO BE THE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEMS SHE ADDRESSED. OR THE OTHER WAY AROUND. OR SOMETHING.

KOSTAS MUST, HOWEVER, RESPOND TO THE SABER-RATTLING FROM RIVERA’S CAMP SOMEHOW IF SHE SHOULD HAVE ANY HOPE OF WINNING. ALTHOUGH WE SEE HER GETTING THE PHOTO OP RUB FROM KATE CAMPANALE TWO WEEKS AGO, HER CAMPAIGN WEBSITE TOLD A DIFFERENT STORY: ONE WITH NO PRESS RELEASES SINCE 2014.

 

PREDICTION:

WE GIVE THE EARLY EDGE TO RIVERA SOLELY ON ACCOUNT OF HER MACHINE FIRING UP FIRST.

DESPITE HER BACKING FROM THE WORCESTER REPUBLICAN CITY COMMITTEE, WHICH PROVED TO BE AS EFFECTIVE AS THROWING MONEY AT A WEED WACKER IN THE PAST (ALSO SEE OUR WDCC HARRUMPH ABOVE), WE THINK KOSTAS CAN WIN IF SHE CAN PROVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF DISTRICT 4’S ISSUES THAN RIVERA.

HOWEVER, WITH TURNOUT IN DISTRICT 4 EXPECTED TO BE LOWER THAN THIS BLOG’S READERSHIP, ANYONE COULD WIN IF THE REPUBLICAN MACHINE SHOULD ROLL IN FOR KOSTAS AS ONE WOULD EXPECT.

SHOULD THIS OCCUR, WE ALSO PICK THIS RACE TO HAVE THE GREATEST POTENTIAL TO TURN UGLY.

WE SEE SIGNIFICANT IDEOLOGICAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN KOSTAS AND RIVERA. ALTHOUGH WE HOPE THE RACE SHALL REMAIN CIVIL, AS IT APPEARED TO BE IN 2011 WITH RIVERA AND HALLER, WE RECALL THE SYNCHRONIZED WHINING EXHIBITION FROM BILL EDDY AND GARY ROSEN IN 2013… AND THEY WERE ROUGHLY ON THE SAME IDEOLOGICAL PAGE. WITH TWO EQUALLY MATCHED OPPONENTS WITH VERY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES, WE EXPECT DISTRICT 4 TO HEAT UP IF THE KOSTAS CAMPAIGN WAKES UP.

 

CLOSING REMARKS WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT ADDRESS WHY WE USED HARRY POTTER PICTURES THIS TIME AROUND:

ALTHOUGH DISTRICT 2 BORE THE LARGEST FIELD, WE EXPECT DISTRICT 4 TO BE THE MOST CONTESTED DISTRICT RACE. WE ALSO EXPECT IT TO CONTAIN ONE IMPORTANT LESSON NO MATTER WHO SHOULD WIN:

MACHINE POLITICS MEAN NOTHING WITHOUT A STRONG CANDIDATE.

FOR LOCAL ELECTIONS IN WORCESTER, WITH ALL MACHINES BEING EQUAL (AND THEY SEEM TO BE AT THIS POINT), VOTERS VOTE FOR CANDIDATES THEY CAN CONNECT WITH… NOT PARTIES. AT-LARGE CANDIDATES CAN AFFORD TO BE IDEOLOGUES IF THEY WISH, BUT NOT DISTRICT COUNCILORS. THE MOST SUCCESSFUL DISTRICT COUNCILORS HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEMS FACING THEIR DISTRICTS AND AT LEAST LOOK LIKE THEY CAME UP WITH SOLUTIONS.

IF THEY WANTED TO JUST TURN WORCESTER INTO THEIR OWN PERSONAL SIMCITY GAME, OFFERING GRANDIOSE PLANS COSTING THE CITY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND GETTING RE-ELECTED FOR “SPEAKING TRUTH TO POWER”… THEY SHOULD HAVE RUN AT-LARGE.

TO VOTERS, ESPECIALLY IN DISTRICTS 2 AND 4, WE SAY THIS:

YOUR VOTE MEANS THE MOST IN DISTRICT ELECTIONS.

ONE VOTE CAN LITERALLY MEAN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN STATUS QUO AND A MAJOR CHANGE RIGHT WHERE YOU LIVE, ESPECIALLY WITH TURNOUT LOW IN DISTRICT RACES ROUTINELY DECIDED BY A SMALL NUMBER OF VOTES TO BEGIN WITH.

EVEN IN DISTRICTS 3 AND 5, YOU CAN STILL EXPRESS YOUR APPROVAL OR DISAPPROVAL FOR RUSSELL AND ROSEN. WE HAVE NO REASON TO THINK THEY SHOULD SEE A LOT OF OPPOSITION THIS YEAR. BUT WHATEVER YOU DECIDE GETS RECORDED AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, GETS ACTED UPON.

ONE VOTE CAN CHANGE LIVES.

MAKE YOURS COUNT.